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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 12, 2017 19:44:54 GMT -5
I have recently noticed a pattern that I have with my Spouse, aka Mr. Grumpy. I have thought about it but it hasn't quite solidified until recently.
My husband will act slightly nicer, I'll get hope for us to get better, I'll open up, he'll say something not so nice and laugh/smile at how ridiculous and stupid I'm being. My feelings will get hurt and I'll close back up.
Like today my husband was making fun of people who go to England to look at castles. I wouldn't mind. But because there are older cultures with older castles, my husband thought it was hilarious. And then he goes into looking at Amercians who hate anything thats European because its not American.
Oh boy. I swear he takes pleasure in people's displeasure.
Every time he starts acting nicer, I open up only to find that he hasn't changed that much.
I have no clue how to do this/change this. I'm thinking I just need to learn how to close myself off from him, no matter how he starts to act. But ...... I have no idea how. Grrrrr.
any ideas?
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Post by baza on Mar 12, 2017 20:06:40 GMT -5
If you are still of a mind to keep concentrating on your spouses idiot behaviours, then you are still "why chasing" to a large extent, and you are still invested in the relationship to a greater or lesser extent.
It will be pretty difficult - if not impossible - to move forward from that position.
The bloke is an idiot, and a potentially dangerous idiot at that (going by your back stories)
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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 12, 2017 20:20:20 GMT -5
I guess I am, more than I thought I was. I thought I was as closed off as I ever could get. I geuss I was wrong. But at least I have a base line to work with now.
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Post by brian on Mar 12, 2017 20:56:18 GMT -5
Sry for being a bit off topic, but I LOVE looking at castles... I'm an American and I don't dislike things that aren't American. Anyway, different people like different things. I really enjoy the history of technology in warfare, so I like to tour castles and contemplate how it would be defended, how it would be attacked, and how it would be resupplied given the technology of the period. Never been to England's castles, but I thoroughly enjoyed my time in some of Italy's and Switzerland's castles. I spent an entire day in the 3 castles in Bellinzona, Switzerland walking the walls and grounds.
Back on topic... Mr. Grumpy sounds about right for your spouse. Life is too short to criticize others for their likes and dislikes. Worry about your own happiness. Maybe he's just jealous that he sees other people enjoying life.
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Post by JMX on Mar 12, 2017 21:17:18 GMT -5
Good news - this is the LEAST dick move your husband has displayed.
Because, he is a dick.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2017 21:18:04 GMT -5
Remember the saying "it's like riding a bike" that what this is you react automatically/ physically to this so do NOT think bad of yourself when you react to this. And that's your defense be nice to yourself realize what's happening and stay on a path that makes you happy
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2017 11:54:38 GMT -5
I have recently noticed a pattern that I have with my Spouse, aka Mr. Grumpy. I have thought about it but it hasn't quite solidified until recently. My husband will act slightly nicer, I'll get hope for us to get better, I'll open up, he'll say something not so nice and laugh/smile at how ridiculous and stupid I'm being. My feelings will get hurt and I'll close back up. Like today my husband was making fun of people who go to England to look at castles. I wouldn't mind. But because there are older cultures with older castles, my husband thought it was hilarious. And then he goes into looking at Amercians who hate anything thats European because its not American. Oh boy. I swear he takes pleasure in people's displeasure. Every time he starts acting nicer, I open up only to find that he hasn't changed that much. I have no clue how to do this/change this. I'm thinking I just need to learn how to close myself off from him, no matter how he starts to act. But ...... I have no idea how. Grrrrr. any ideas? Actually, you don't have to try to close yourself off. You will eventually do it. If a person gives you negative replies most of the time, you will eventually stop opening up to him/her. It will be a conditioned response. For instance, I used to ask my refuser to do little favors, like dropping off dry cleaning, or getting me a drink if she was already in the kitchen. Once, I was sick & asked her to pick up some Nyquil on her way home from work. She not only refused, but was angry at me for asking. After years of getting very rude reactions, I stopped asking. It was just not worth the rude comments, so I eventually stopped. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 13, 2017 12:07:19 GMT -5
Actually, you don't have to try to close yourself off. You will eventually do it. If a person gives you negative replies most of the time, you will eventually stop opening up to him/her. It will be a conditioned response. For instance, I used to ask my refuser to do little favors, like dropping off dry cleaning, or getting me a drink if she was already in the kitchen. Once, I was sick & asked her to pick up some Nyquil on her way home from work. She not only refused, but was angry at me for asking. After years of getting very rude reactions, I stopped asking. It was just not worth the rude comments, so I eventually stopped. A classic manipulative controller. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 14, 2017 1:29:43 GMT -5
thank you all for the replies. I will most definitely have to do more research on this.
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Post by snowman12345 on Mar 14, 2017 6:20:52 GMT -5
It is him - not you. He knows what buttons to push to get his entertainment from you. He appears to like stepping on your feelings - it brings him pleasure to hurt you. You are conditioned to respond in order to keep the status quo. If you refuse to respond what will his reaction be? As baza said, knowing your backstory points to increasingly cruel behavior from him. You want to gain more control, but how far will he go to keep you from having it? You, my dear, are one I would advise to tread cautiously. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Mar 15, 2017 0:38:49 GMT -5
Oh! I know how you feel. What to do or how to respond, I would have no idea. They say the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore them. We all know how well that works. The bully will keep escalating his offensive behavior until he gets the response he wants.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 15, 2017 0:52:17 GMT -5
I had to deal with bullies a lot in my younger years both in high school and in my early years in the military and Rhapsodee you're absolutely right.
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