You don't get to avoid the grief and pain

Smartkat said:"That conclusion is: Even if you leave the SM, you will be forced to go through the grief and the pain and the heartbreak. My hypothesis is this: the more you loved your refuser, the better things were when they were still good - the worse the grief and pain and heartbreak are going to be.
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My own experience was different. NOTHING was worse than when I was at sea in a SM feeling suicidal every day and believing that something must be wrong with me for my spouse to be so rejecting. Adding to my feelings was the fact that my spouse in many ways was a model husband. He was a good provider, was polite and kind and a good father to our children. He wasn't verbally or physically abusive. Was a courteous person to travel with or to go to events with. What was missing was something that it was hard for me to identify because I'd grown up amidst in an acrimonious SM. But what was missing was not only sexual intimacy, but also emotional intimacy.

I lost a job that I would have happily worked until I died. It was in the same academic department that my husband (who had 2 masters degrees while I have an earned and honorary doctorate) had come in with guaranteed tenure (which means he had a lifetime job). I had gotten a national award while working there. He had not gotten any national acclaim. I was devastated by the job loss. I spent my days in bed, getting up only to drive one of our kids to school, and to eat dinner (which my husband prepared) A few months later, my mother suddenly died. My ex murmured sympathetic words, but never was able to fully understand the extent of my losses. Indeed, he asked me to accompany him to parties given by his academic department (i.e. my academic department). He said it would be good for me to go so they could see how well I was doing!

A couple of years later, I was still jobless (I could have fairly easily found work elsewhere, but chose to stay because of how much my husband loved his job), we learned that our older child, a young adult living 3,000 miles away, was on drugs. Despite clear evidence -- that son's detailed blog posts that I stumbled upon -- my husband denied the seriousness of what our child was into. I ended up going to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. The doctor correctly diagnosed severe depression, and that was what got me along the road to health, a good life, and ending my marriage.

But it did take intense therapy as well as lots of exploration as I got to know myself again, and developed the independence to make my own friends and pursue my own interests -- independently, without my husband's accompanying me. I went from being a woman who couldn't even decide what clothes to put on to a woman who was leading an interesting life on her own terms.

Finally, I woke up one day and realized that I'd rather be divorced than to continue a marriage that was no marriage. It ended up that my husband really wanted to be divorced, but hadn't had the guts to ask.

The divroce was very angst free. The angst, turmoil and sorrow had occurred long before, and had been healed.

So, my thoughts are that what will need to be done will be doing the very hard work of working on oneself to create a life that is independent of one's refuser. That is where the grieving and redefining oneself occurs. It can happen before the end of the relationship or it can happen afterward. It is indeed very hard work and it can be hard to tell one is making progress. From what I've seen, however, as long as one is focused on oneself and is also trying new things to expand one's understanding of oneself , one is making progress even if as is to be expected some of one's new endeavors don't' work out.