You don't get to avoid the grief and pain

I think the grieve and pain is not avoidable. Something to go through as you say. But I don't think a broken heart is for the rest of your life. New experiences will make the past fade away. The past will lose its weight when new people and experiences gain importance.

When my wife first starting having delusional thoughts, I finally got her to a proper psychiatrist who diagnosed her as schizo-affective (Another psychiatrist diagnosed her as schizotypal, which was the totally wrong diagnosis). I was told that it could be treated, but there was no cure. I felt that someone had died, but we couldn't bury the body. It lay there in the living room like in a never-ending Irish wake. It's a common feeling for those who love the seriously mentally ill.

At the beginning of each NAMI support group, we go over the three steps of grief: denial, anger, and acceptance. Of course, some of us make it to the third stage to fall back to the first in a crisis. I am way beyond denial, but the anger and resentment have never gone away.

I call the situation: abandonment in situ.
My Ex was still there, physically, but the humorous spirit I had fallen in love with .... he was gone. Some know-it-all asshole had bodysnatched his being. I don't know when it happened but I think it was inside the radiation unit while being further emasculated (first they took the prostate, then they zapped him daily for months, while suppressing all testosterone chemically - and because he wouldn't use the suction thingy, his tissue sucked up into his body to the point that he was incontinent for months. Control came back. But it was truly harrowing for him.) His body survives- but his personality completely changed.
Describing it now, in detail, I realize how little I can blame him for the changes. What he could have done differently would have been to let me in on how he was feeling- emotionally- any thoughts or emotions were not shared. Control became his thing. It was his only coping strategy, I guess.
But I was abandoned in situ, years before I left the house/marriage.
I'm still mourning too. But it's better. One: it's better to not receive the fresh smack on my heart multiple times daily & every night when he would turn his back to me, careful that even our feet wouldn't touch. Two: it's better now than when I first moved out.
And yay on successful dating! I got clarification last weekend that I'm not to be confused about New Guy. We are not GF/BF. (I didn't think we were - yet. We've only seen each other 2 or 3 weeks.) But - we hang out & sometimes do adult things & other times, just hang out. At first I was hurt by the explanation but as the last few days wore on, I'm totally okay with that. If I'm going to have a FWB, at least one who is only 2 miles away is a major upgrade from the one who was 120 miles away.
@smartkat - I hope your grieving process keeps moving along for you. I think what we miss most is long-past. Like you say, it isn't actually available to go back TO. But we do have to have time to grieve it.
Hugs, sister.

baza, does that math apply to all the years we were together, or only the bad years?

And - getting over what really was versus what I had wished it was. In my case, I started grieving over the end of the good years, while we were still together.

My deal was a gradual decline over a period of about 5 years. You know - the "boiling frog" analogy. When things first start to go south, you think it's temporary - until one day you look up and say, "Whoa - things have been tough for longer than I thought!"

I'm still working on accepting that there was nothing I could do (or refrain from doing) that would force him to do anything differently. I'm just starting to tentatively believe that maybe our problems were not all my fault.

It would be a rare bird indeed where only one of the persons was "totally" at fault, or "completely not" at fault either.

Dunno if this suggestion would help or not - but here it goes ---
Write a full history of your deal, with all the warts (yours and his) fully out in the open.
Give it to a person, someone you respect  with no axe to grind, an independent person in other words and subject your story to objective analysis and opinion from this person. Maybe even a counsellor - who doesn't even know you - could provide an objective opinion, if you are into counselling.

I suspect that such an exercise would result in a resounding affirmation that what fucked up in your deal was you (a bit) and him (a lot).

FWIW, the impression I've had (from your stories over quite a few years) was that his prescription meds issue was far more severe than you ever thought. And there was NEVER any chance of *you* fixing that.

I know what you mean SK. Sometimes, I catch myself getting frustrated that my refuser would not make the slightest effort to make things better. If she had done two things, I would have never left:
1) Had sex with me twice a month, and
2) Stopped the verbal abuse.

But the truth is she would do neither. Unfortunately, she did not value the relationship enough to do those two simple things. So when I catch myself regretting ending the "marriage," I remind myself that she made the decisions that made the relationship unsustainable. The boat had multiple leaks, and I could not plug them all myself. So when I jumped out and started swimming away, I was not leaving a seaworthy boat, I was just saving myself.

 
Very thought provoking to read.  You proposition seems so simple even for someone who loathes sex.  

I mean in negotiation terms - you are being a real softie - easy to fulfill obligations.  

Thank-you for mentioning that because it provokes me to another level - if fixing the marriage from disintegration is SO EASY as your simple to fulfill 2 requirements, it really causes me to wonder if there was not an "intentional fail" like letting it lapse on purpose.   I mention this because I look at my Current M and there is too this "intentional fail" scenario so it seems.   It is a question of making a little effort - not much at all - and the lack of willingness for even this little micro simple effort is not even there - hence I would propose for sure in my case - just not performing almost symbolically something so simple - to let it end.