Sex Therapy?

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dinnaken
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Sex Therapy? Mar 8, 2017 19:33:42 GMT -5 Dan and greatcoastal like this

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Post by dinnaken on Mar 8, 2017 19:33:42 GMT -5

Hi Carol,
My wife and I went to see one, early in our marriage. She helped my wife get over some of her difficulties but saw no need to investigate any underlying problems... I was unimpressed at the time. As an individual, I have seen other therapists since (over workplace stress and a marriage counsellor to vent over the state of my marriage) and they varied from OK to good. In any profession you will encounter a range of abilities but with hindsight that sex therapist was very poor.

Dan
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Sex Therapy? Mar 8, 2017 19:43:31 GMT -5 GeekGoddess, greatcoastal, and 8 more like this

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Post by Dan on Mar 8, 2017 19:43:31 GMT -5

Mar 8, 2017 16:21:25 GMT -5 Carol said:

He has had some "homework". ... The next one was to massage each other's hands. I have to say that it made my skin crawl. I have no desire for him at all. How the hell am I going to get a through all of this? 😔

Ugh. I'm so sorry. As for me, there seem to be a "line". I'm OK with touch up to that line; not OK past it;

• Peck on the lips "good night"? OK. She wants a deep kiss/making out? Eeek -- skin is crawling.
• Light spooning in bed? OK. Her hands slip under my shorts? Hope if I lie really still she'll stop. If she doesn't, time to roll over. Ugh!

So sad I now can't stand what I used to want SO BADLY.

Not sure I want to get re-acclimatized to touch/intimacy/sex with her; all the years without has allowed me to see all the other aspects of her that I really don't like so much.

I think she has lost me.

Last Edit: Mar 9, 2017 6:15:02 GMT -5 by Dan

baza
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Sex Therapy? Mar 8, 2017 20:21:45 GMT -5 GeekGoddess, tamara68, and 1 more like this

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Post by baza on Mar 8, 2017 20:21:45 GMT -5

Mar 8, 2017 16:21:25 GMT -5 Carol said:

He researched this pretty well. She is a certified sex therapist. He makes the hour drive just to see her. There was one not too far from us but he said she was too good looking and it made him uncomfortable (insert eye roll here!). He wanted to bring me to this last session but she said no. He seems in a big rush to get me there with him. I told him that she'll let him know when the time is right for me to come in also. He has had some "homework". First was to masturbate with not using visuals (i.e. Porn) but just a though about a time him and I had sex. I didn't ask to see if he completed that task! The next one was to massage each other's hands. I have to say that it made my skin crawl. I have no desire for him at all. How the hell am I going to get a through all of this? 😔

I hope he continues his therapy and gets the maximum possible value out of it. That would be in his longer term best interest.
That is his issue and hopefully addressing it will help him to a point where he could be a good partner for someone.

What I am not seeing is any obligation on you to hang around further than you already have whilst he addresses his issue(s).
And what I am not seeing at all is how hanging around is going to be in *your* longer term best interests.

You see *if* (and it is a fucking HUGE *if*) he successfully addresses his issues by 2021 and is ready to adopt a full adult relationship with someone, *you* are still in a position where his touch makes your skin crawl.
In other words the dynamics of the existing ILIASM shithole will have just shifted around a bit. It will still be an ILIASM shithole. Him hot to trot (*if* his treatment works) and you repelled by his touch.

Last Edit: Mar 8, 2017 21:21:32 GMT -5 by baza

iceman
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Sex Therapy? Mar 9, 2017 9:12:13 GMT -5 GeekGoddess, novembercomingfire, and 2 more like this

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Post by iceman on Mar 9, 2017 9:12:13 GMT -5

Mar 7, 2017 17:18:29 GMT -5 baza said:

I think the idea of him seeing a sex therapist is a great idea.
In fact I think anyone with a particular problem seeing an appropriate professional for help is a great idea.

What I am NOT seeing as such a great idea is you "marking time" while he undergoes this help. Particularly as his commitment level to the therapy is not known, nor is his prognosis.
You could easily trash another year or two whilst he "tries", you could easily then trash another year or two as he "succeeds" of "fails". And there you'll be 4 or 5 more years down the track confronting the exact same issue and choices you face today, but having pissed another half decade up against the wall.

Here's an alternate scenario for you.
Off he goes to the sex therapy. Works hard and diligently, or just dicks about wasting time.
You continue formulating your exit strategy and knocking it into do-able shape, and continue to sort your own shit out.
As soon as you can, you have a (cough cough) "trial" separation. During which you keep working on your shit unhindered by his presence. And he works on his shit unhindered by your presence.
At the conclusion of this "trial" separation - or at a time you nominate - you make the call to reunite or turn the trial separation into permanency.
This scenario would be *fair* on everyone.
It keeps you moving forward.
It gives him the time he wants.

Don't make the tactical error I made back in the day.
At one point I confronted my spouse saying words to the effect - "I know you are struggling with some issues, and I am here for you while you sort them out, but once they are sorted out we are going to have to decide whether to wind this up or not. But until then, I am here for you".

That was very noble and thoughtful of me don't you think ?

WRONG !!!!!!

What I had done was provide a powerful incentive for her NOT to try and sort her shit out, because I had committed to staying until such time as she sorted her shit out.

Run a clock on it. Don't give open ended committments.

Good advice. Waiting around for my wife to sort her shit out has been the main activity of our marriage. She has always had shit to sort out and she expects me just to be patient while she tries to work things out. The problem is that there's never an end to the shit. When one thing is resolved something else magically appears to take its place. There's always something. Everybody has shit they need to sort out in the short term but it shouldn't permanently affect one's marriage. The marriage has to be the top priority in the end, along with kids if you have them. Everything else is not as important in the long term and you need to act accordingly.

snowman12345 Senior Members "The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it." - @bballgirl Posts: 2,650 Age Range: 61-65	Sex Therapy? Mar 9, 2017 23:24:21 GMT -5 GeekGoddess, novembercomingfire, and 1 more like this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by snowman12345 on Mar 9, 2017 23:24:21 GMT -5 image hosting

rejected101
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Sex Therapy? Mar 11, 2017 0:37:29 GMT -5 via mobile GeekGoddess likes this

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Post by rejected101 on Mar 11, 2017 0:37:29 GMT -5

Mar 7, 2017 16:34:38 GMT -5 Carol said:

Has anyone ever or know of a person to see a sex therapist? My H is seeing one to see if he can overcome his issues. I just want some idea of what I might expect.

Also, what do you all think about sex therapy? Any thoughts or comments are very appreciated!

Sex therapy can be excellent so I understand. The issue is, does your H want to change I.e he acknowledges he is coming up short or does he merely want to appear he is making an effort to change. They are very different things. If it's the first, the therapy has a chance of improving things if it's the second therapy has a chance of wasting $1000.

McRoomMate
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Sex Therapy? Mar 11, 2017 1:58:53 GMT -5 Dan likes this

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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 11, 2017 1:58:53 GMT -5

Mar 8, 2017 19:43:31 GMT -5 Dan said:

Mar 8, 2017 16:21:25 GMT -5 Carol said:

Me too Big Counter Refuser now and no going back. I can understand the "skin crawling" it has happened to me.

@dan I am going to go out on a limb and say your "counter refusing" is SPECIFIC only to your current W because of all the toxic baggage. Of course there is one way to for sure test this theory . . . ; )

fred
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Sex Therapy? Mar 16, 2017 14:01:48 GMT -5 thefullmoon likes this

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Post by fred on Mar 16, 2017 14:01:48 GMT -5

We went to one decades ago. Useless. My wife did attend a "sexual awareness" workshop several years ago. WTF is sexual awareness - I have trouble developing unawareness...........
She was advised to get a Hitachi Magic Wand. That provided about a half-year of near-normal sexual activity for us. Then, back to the south pole.
I believe that joining in a group, even for one evening, gave her "permission' to be sexual. i do believe her innate shyness, catholic upbringing, some lock of sensation, some deep buried belief that sex is somehow wrong, all contribute. tough problem

dinnaken
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Sex Therapy? Mar 16, 2017 14:55:57 GMT -5 bballgirl and lyn like this

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Post by dinnaken on Mar 16, 2017 14:55:57 GMT -5

Hi Fred,
I was interested to read your post and I found echoes of my own situation, in the points that you raised at the end; my wife also had a conservative religious upbringing and is deeply religious. I think at her core she has a belief that 'sex isn't something that nice girls do', this combined with her religious beliefs and real problems with body image, that I failed to appreciate the significance of, contributed to a fairly toxic mix.
I really do despair over what society inflicts on some of its members...

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