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Post by Carol on Mar 7, 2017 16:34:38 GMT -5
Has anyone ever or know of a person to see a sex therapist? My H is seeing one to see if he can overcome his issues. I just want some idea of what I might expect.
Also, what do you all think about sex therapy? Any thoughts or comments are very appreciated!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2017 16:46:21 GMT -5
I have never been to one, and I know that true sex therapists are very rare. I do know that all the sex therapy in the world will not help someone who does not put any value on sex. I know it is not what you would like to hear.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 7, 2017 16:59:37 GMT -5
I don't know one but I do have a life goal to become one of sorts. It's a lot of education, though, and I may never make it.
You may want to check under the Resources discussion topic and see if you can find any threads that deal with selecting a therapist. I think I recall having seen a mention of a national association of sex therapists (or something of that sort) - - or, I would search the web for practitioners in your area (maybe specifically a site for the doctor he is seeing) - so see what you can glean from that.
And - I would maybe ask to be invited for one visit so that the three of you may have one discussion over how the process works or what you, as the partner, ought to expect from this work he is doing.
Attitudes about sex are deeply set in a person and "changing them" is not likely to be easy (even for a person who does want to) but I hope this work pays off for him. Please keep us posted on developments if you can!
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Post by baza on Mar 7, 2017 17:18:29 GMT -5
I think the idea of him seeing a sex therapist is a great idea.
In fact I think anyone with a particular problem seeing an appropriate professional for help is a great idea.
What I am NOT seeing as such a great idea is you "marking time" while he undergoes this help. Particularly as his commitment level to the therapy is not known, nor is his prognosis.
You could easily trash another year or two whilst he "tries", you could easily then trash another year or two as he "succeeds" of "fails". And there you'll be 4 or 5 more years down the track confronting the exact same issue and choices you face today, but having pissed another half decade up against the wall.
Here's an alternate scenario for you.
Off he goes to the sex therapy. Works hard and diligently, or just dicks about wasting time.
You continue formulating your exit strategy and knocking it into do-able shape, and continue to sort your own shit out.
As soon as you can, you have a (cough cough) "trial" separation. During which you keep working on your shit unhindered by his presence. And he works on his shit unhindered by your presence.
At the conclusion of this "trial" separation - or at a time you nominate - you make the call to reunite or turn the trial separation into permanency.
This scenario would be *fair* on everyone.
It keeps you moving forward.
It gives him the time he wants.
Don't make the tactical error I made back in the day.
At one point I confronted my spouse saying words to the effect - "I know you are struggling with some issues, and I am here for you while you sort them out, but once they are sorted out we are going to have to decide whether to wind this up or not. But until then, I am here for you".
That was very noble and thoughtful of me don't you think ?
WRONG !!!!!!
What I had done was provide a powerful incentive for her NOT to try and sort her shit out, because I had committed to staying until such time as she sorted her shit out.
Run a clock on it. Don't give open ended committments.
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Post by cagedtiger on Mar 7, 2017 17:23:45 GMT -5
A friend of mine from high school is a practicing sex therapist - like @geekgoddess said, it took her a massive amount of education, practicum, and observation. I know she's doing well and business is booming, but I haven't really asked her about her work, and the last we really talked about it was when she was still in undergrad.
Is also br interested to hear if it helps - I've wondered if my wife would've maybe been helped by seeing a specialist herself, but given how hard it was to get her to see any other kind of therapist, I wasn't gonna hold my breath.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2017 17:46:47 GMT -5
A friend of mine from high school is a practicing sex therapist - like @geekgoddess said, it took her a massive amount of education, practicum, and observation. I know she's doing well and business is booming, but I haven't really asked her about her work, and the last we really talked about it was when she was still in undergrad. Is also br interested to hear if it helps - I've wondered if my wife would've maybe been helped by seeing a specialist herself, but given how hard it was to get her to see any other kind of therapist, I wasn't gonna hold my breath. Just out of curiousity, where does she practice? |
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Post by leifericson on Mar 7, 2017 17:59:12 GMT -5
All I know is from the movie, The Sessions with Helen Hunt where she was naked through half the movie and had actual sex with the patient. Doesn't sound ethical or realistic. Sx therapist is probably like any other therapist, just an expert on sexual dysfunctions.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2017 18:06:53 GMT -5
All I know is from the movie, The Sessions with Helen Hunt where she was naked through half the movie and had actual sex with the patient. Doesn't sound ethical or realistic. Sx therapist is probably like any other therapist, just an expert on sexual dysfunctions. I think that is a sex surrogate instead of a sex therapist. |
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Post by leifericson on Mar 7, 2017 18:11:48 GMT -5
All I know is from the movie, The Sessions with Helen Hunt where she was naked through half the movie and had actual sex with the patient. Doesn't sound ethical or realistic. Sx therapist is probably like any other therapist, just an expert on sexual dysfunctions. I think that is a sex surrogate instead of a sex therapist. aka Prostitute. In the movie the gent had a premature ejaculation problem. She was helping him overcome the dysfunction. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Mar 7, 2017 18:12:11 GMT -5
All I know is from the movie, The Sessions with Helen Hunt where she was naked through half the movie and had actual sex with the patient. Doesn't sound ethical or realistic. Sx therapist is probably like any other therapist, just an expert on sexual dysfunctions. I think that is a sex surrogate instead of a sex therapist. Precisely. My friend is just a very, very specialized therapist who got her first degree in Psychology. That she's an NFL cheerleader on the weekends is just an entertaining coincidence. |
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Post by Dan on Mar 7, 2017 18:46:15 GMT -5
Sx therapist is probably like any other therapist, just an expert on sexual dysfunctions. This is what I suppose, too. I agree you should ask your H if you can meet her sometime; then -- at your H's option -- see her alone to ask your questions, or with him. If you go alone, she probably won't be able to discuss anything your H has told her in confidence, but you could at least ask YOUR questions about the process, and ask "how can I help my H be successful with this". I'm SO deep in to counter-refusing (just wrote a long post about it in this thread) -- because any thought of sex with my wife just brings up intense feelings of rejection and the resentment of past years. I wonder if I'll be able to have a semi-normal sexual relationship after this marriage. If not... I will probably try [regular] talk therapy... but I've already pondered that I might need to see a sex therapist, too. Please do get back to us, to let us know as you find out more. |
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Post by kiltedpadre on Mar 8, 2017 15:08:05 GMT -5
My wife and I are seeing a couples sex therapist; so things may not 100% transfer between our experience and those of someone in individual sex therapy.
Is he seeing a true sex therapist? As many have said true sex therapists seem to be few and far between. The closest option we could find was almost an hour drive from our home. There were many regular therapists closer though who say they work with sexual disorders, but we deemed it worthwhile to drive the extra distance for someone where the whole focus of his practice was sexual issues.
I think the first step is see if you can join a session. Our therapist was quick to point out the numerous different sex therapy "paths" and you may find it helpful to ensure the one the therapist in question plans to take matches your needs and endgame desires.
His sessions should involve what our therapist refers to as "homeplay" assignments meant to help determine where issues lie and how to cope and/or overcome them. While I know the assignments exist for those in individual therapy I do not know if they will involve your assistance or him on his own. I would think if they involved you as well that you would be asked to take part in sessions so you can be apprised of expectations as well as being able to give feedback on how they have gone.
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Post by Carol on Mar 8, 2017 16:21:25 GMT -5
He researched this pretty well. She is a certified sex therapist. He makes the hour drive just to see her. There was one not too far from us but he said she was too good looking and it made him uncomfortable (insert eye roll here!). He wanted to bring me to this last session but she said no. He seems in a big rush to get me there with him. I told him that she'll let him know when the time is right for me to come in also. He has had some "homework". First was to masturbate with not using visuals (i.e. Porn) but just a though about a time him and I had sex. I didn't ask to see if he completed that task! The next one was to massage each other's hands. I have to say that it made my skin crawl. I have no desire for him at all. How the hell am I going to get a through all of this? 😔
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Post by unmatched on Mar 8, 2017 18:43:27 GMT -5
He researched this pretty well. She is a certified sex therapist. He makes the hour drive just to see her. There was one not too far from us but he said she was too good looking and it made him uncomfortable (insert eye roll here!). He wanted to bring me to this last session but she said no. He seems in a big rush to get me there with him. I told him that she'll let him know when the time is right for me to come in also. He has had some "homework". First was to masturbate with not using visuals (i.e. Porn) but just a though about a time him and I had sex. I didn't ask to see if he completed that task! The next one was to massage each other's hands. I have to say that it made my skin crawl. I have no desire for him at all. How the hell am I going to get a through all of this? 😔 I think it is a really positive step forward. Not what he is doing, but that the balance in your relationship is shifting. When you are refused for years you spend your whole time thinking about sex, wanting it, trying to figure out what you need to be/do/change in order to get your partner to love you the way you need them to. It is like we get fixated on the outcome. But underneath the surface your feelings are constantly changing too, and we often don't notice because we are so obsessed with what we thought we wanted. Now things are shifting a little bit and you get to actually pause and think 'do I really want this'? Even if he does 'fix' himself, he is going to have to make some room for you to figure out what you want and what you need too. And accept that the way he has behaved all this time will have had a massive impact on your life and potentially on your ability to love him and feel attracted to him. After years of pain and rejection you can't just open your heart and give yourself to him completely as if none of it happened. It is not that simple. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 8, 2017 19:08:45 GMT -5
I believe, (without having facts to prove it) that so, so, many people have posted on here, "everything's great , but the sex". Then after a few questions ,along comes the rest of the details. One other question would be, "what other issues is my husband struggling with, that add to ,or end up with him being against having sex with me?"
Notice the "having sex with his wife?". There is always the hidden factor that it could be you, and his perception of you. Or it's all the other issues in his life that lead to him never having sex with another woman or person at all. Those are good "why" things to have answered. Perhaps a sex councilor isn't needed for those. Any therapist could help.
Back to baza's philosophy, work on your own escape plan, the "why" doesn't change anything.
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