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Post by randy53 on Mar 6, 2017 0:22:15 GMT -5
I haven't dated in 20 years, how does a 45 year old guy find someone? I know that it will be much different then when I was 25. Back then everyone was single. Where do you find single 40 year old women? This is one of my biggest fears about leaving
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Post by baza on Mar 6, 2017 1:18:00 GMT -5
Here's my suggestion (bear in mind it usually flies about as well as an iron hang-glider).
Once you are out of your ILIASM shithole, it is a real good idea to conduct an exhaustive autopsy on your failed marriage, and in particular, your role in that. There is absolutely heaps you could learn, about yourself mainly.
And *if* you developed some bad habits / behaviours to cope with your ILIASM shithole (for example - being a door mat, perhaps developing a smart mouth to cope, mebbe adopting passive aggressive tactics to protect yourself, developed a worn down beaten attitude, developed a habit of bullshitting yourself etc etc etc) then it is a good time to start working hard on eradicating those things, because they are not going to help you one bit in your future.
Sort as much of your own shit out as you can before you take another turn on the carousel.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 6, 2017 9:52:49 GMT -5
Do things you like. Join groups or hang out where you may find people of common interests (hikes in parks, book signings, art openings - whatever floats your boat) Do what you like to do. Do what baza suggests above (first). People are most attracted to happy people so make yourself happy & you'll find people. Tinder app, Plenty of Fish, other online dating sites/apps are out there with results varied. Real life encounters, results vary too. All my friends wanted to refer me too early. I don't really want a committed monogamy type deal just yet. I think dating will be fun. I'm okay with where I'm at, & that's the only part that matters (how I feel about it). Whether you find someone else or not doesn't bear that much relevance on whether you can tolerate staying in a shithole (not if it really qualifies as ILIASM shithole). You could get hit by a bus tomorrow- will you have lived the life you want to? If not, get to it with the living! |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 6, 2017 9:58:49 GMT -5
I agree with baza, but I would be a hypocrite if I said I followed that advise after I got out because I sure did not. I did the opposite; I dove right in --- online dating profiles, the whole nine. I had two "FWB" that I knew wouldn't go anywhere and that may seem "loose" of me, but these two men kept me from feeling totally and utterly alone, and also reminded me that I AM desirable as a woman. The relationships were not as shallow as one might think a FWB relationship is and I didn't feel used by them - they were great until they weren't and then I ended things. My dating life got messy and confusing. I see this playing out in my newly divorced SIL who informed me last week "she chooses" a man she had known for 10 whole days but now this week he has gone back to his girlfriend and she is "going back" to man who last week had all kinds of red flags for her. I just listen and tell her to slow down, breathe, knowing full well she won't and she will likely make the same stupid mistakes I made.
So -- I will say that DATING is fine at any point in the process as long as your attitude about it is to have fun, meet people for potential friendships not necessarily "the one" and also work on your own stuff along the way.
I think it's also VERY TRUE that we attract what we are -- so when I was a confused mess, I was attracting a lot of that in my life. When I got clear, confident and sure what I want in my life, my now-husband came along. No coincidence.
If you are literally asking how to meet women - try an online dating website but know this: not everything you see online is true. Don't get attached before meeting because no matter how AWESOME you might hit it off via text/email, in-person is a whole new ballgame. Also, along with that - just get back to doing things you LOVE to do, whatever that is. For me it was hiking, kayaking, concerts so I met up with others doing that via MEETUP.com with no intention of "finding someone" at these events - made awesome gal friends and had fun.
It's a new chapter -- enjoy as much as you can.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2017 11:01:05 GMT -5
You will not have a problem. Go to a church or take a class. When word gets out that you are a single, stable man, you will be surprised.
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Post by randy53 on Mar 6, 2017 11:14:11 GMT -5
Here's my suggestion (bear in mind it usually flies about as well as an iron hang-glider). Once you are out of your ILIASM shithole, it is a real good idea to conduct an exhaustive autopsy on your failed marriage, and in particular, your role in that. There is absolutely heaps you could learn, about yourself mainly. And *if* you developed some bad habits / behaviours to cope with your ILIASM shithole (for example - being a door mat, perhaps developing a smart mouth to cope, mebbe adopting passive aggressive tactics to protect yourself, developed a worn down beaten attitude, developed a habit of bullshitting yourself etc etc etc) then it is a good time to start working hard on eradicating those things, because they are not going to help you one bit in your future. Sort as much of your own shit out as you can before you take another turn on the carousel. I have no plans to rush into anything in fact I need some time to relax and not worry about someone else. I'm actually looking forward to being alone for awhile. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 6, 2017 11:33:43 GMT -5
Here's my suggestion (bear in mind it usually flies about as well as an iron hang-glider). Once you are out of your ILIASM shithole, it is a real good idea to conduct an exhaustive autopsy on your failed marriage, and in particular, your role in that. There is absolutely heaps you could learn, about yourself mainly. And *if* you developed some bad habits / behaviours to cope with your ILIASM shithole (for example - being a door mat, perhaps developing a smart mouth to cope, mebbe adopting passive aggressive tactics to protect yourself, developed a worn down beaten attitude, developed a habit of bullshitting yourself etc etc etc) then it is a good time to start working hard on eradicating those things, because they are not going to help you one bit in your future. Sort as much of your own shit out as you can before you take another turn on the carousel. I have no plans to rush into anything in fact I need some time to relax and not worry about someone else. I'm actually looking forward to being alone for awhile. Your response is so much better than my actions following my marriage dissolving. I had been reading and posting at EP for almost 2 yrs. and I really thought I had a handle on things. Turns out I didn't. As I started dating I seemed to look for reasons to be infatuated with any woman who showed an interest in me. Not unexpectedly, this produced some bad results . I had to sit myself down, have a long talk and do some serious introspection. It took a while but I realized I would rather be alone than force myself to be someone I'm not, just to be in a woman's company. It takes most people a while to cleanse themselves of the poisons and toxins accumulated in a S/M. |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 6, 2017 15:15:52 GMT -5
I have no plans to rush into anything in fact I need some time to relax and not worry about someone else. I'm actually looking forward to being alone for awhile. Your response is so much better than my actions following my marriage dissolving. I had been reading and posting at EP for almost 2 yrs. and I really thought I had a handle on things. Turns out I didn't. As I started dating I seemed to look for reasons to be infatuated with any woman who showed an interest in me. Not unexpectedly, this produced some bad results . I had to sit myself down, have a long talk and do some serious introspection. It took a while but I realized I would rather be alone than force myself to be someone I'm not, just to be in a woman's company. It takes most people a while to cleanse themselves of the poisons and toxins accumulated in a S/M. Kudos to you for doing that self-reflection and going within!! My husband and I were just talking about this, as well, because we see his sister doing the same thing. We bpth shared how when we first divorced if ANYONE liked us we were infatuated because, "OH MY GOD! SOMEONE LIKES ME..." My husband actually moved to a different state for a woman (that he knew for TEN WEEKS) and the day he got there, they broke up. He shudders at that move. Everyone tried to talk sense into him, but most don't heed the advise of others when they are in that fog. Luckily I didn't move for anyone, but I had some crazy times! Finally I did go on solo backpacking and camping trips (to State parks so nothing too extreme...lol) and that was so empowering. I am TRYING to tell my SIL to do the same thing but she is not biting on that advise. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2017 16:08:29 GMT -5
I can relate to this thread. I'm realizing that although I want a man in my life - he has to be the right man. I can't just go along with anybody who wants me, simply because he wants me. And being single isn't as bad as people think.
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Post by randy53 on Mar 8, 2017 19:14:44 GMT -5
I can relate to this thread. I'm realizing that although I want a man in my life - he has to be the right man. I can't just go along with anybody who wants me, simply because he wants me. And being single isn't as bad as people think. You know what drives me nuts about being single though is the pity that people give you. I loved being completely single (no wife, no serious girl friend) but people acted as if I was soo lonesome and sad, I wasn't I was FREE!! |
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Post by dinnaken on Mar 9, 2017 4:53:29 GMT -5
Hi Randy53,
I agree with the point you make here but I'll make a couple of observations:
At 25, your contemporaries may have thought you odd for being single (I felt exactly the same as you at that time, by the way).
Now at 45, when you know that, statistically, 15-20% of your contemporaries are continuing to endure a sexless marriage when you've got out of yours... I suggest that for a fair number of your friends, colleagues etc., envy rather than pity is the likely response.
The second point I'd make is more of a personal story; about three years ago I was stuck in one of those introspective moods where I sat there 'Chasing the WHY' and thinking 'it's not so bad' and 'What if I left and never met another person?' etc. when the following dialogue popped into my head:
Question "What are the chances of finding happiness in this marriage?"
Answer "Zero"
Okaaaay...
Question "What are the chances of finding happiness if I left this marriage?"
Answer "I don't know but higher than zero"
Right, I have to leave...
Hope it helps
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 11, 2017 6:31:34 GMT -5
I agree with baza, but I would be a hypocrite if I said I followed that advise after I got out because I sure did not. I did the opposite; I dove right in --- online dating profiles, the whole nine. I had two "FWB" that I knew wouldn't go anywhere and that may seem "loose" of me, but these two men kept me from feeling totally and utterly alone, and also reminded me that I AM desirable as a woman. The relationships were not as shallow as one might think a FWB relationship is and I didn't feel used by them - they were great until they weren't and then I ended things. My dating life got messy and confusing. I see this playing out in my newly divorced SIL who informed me last week "she chooses" a man she had known for 10 whole days but now this week he has gone back to his girlfriend and she is "going back" to man who last week had all kinds of red flags for her. I just listen and tell her to slow down, breathe, knowing full well she won't and she will likely make the same stupid mistakes I made. So -- I will say that DATING is fine at any point in the process as long as your attitude about it is to have fun, meet people for potential friendships not necessarily "the one" and also work on your own stuff along the way. I think it's also VERY TRUE that we attract what we are -- so when I was a confused mess, I was attracting a lot of that in my life. When I got clear, confident and sure what I want in my life, my now-husband came along. No coincidence. If you are literally asking how to meet women - try an online dating website but know this: not everything you see online is true. Don't get attached before meeting because no matter how AWESOME you might hit it off via text/email, in-person is a whole new ballgame. Also, along with that - just get back to doing things you LOVE to do, whatever that is. For me it was hiking, kayaking, concerts so I met up with others doing that via MEETUP.com with no intention of "finding someone" at these events - made awesome gal friends and had fun. It's a new chapter -- enjoy as much as you can. Absolutely - it is a PROCESS - after my first divorce I had a "rebound" romance and then met Wife 2 in no time at all - probably way too fast. Savor the process. Start dating apps, go to dating / singles events / But most importantly is WORK ON BEING THE BEST YOU (physical fitness, work hard make some money, get into spiritual development (most important) whatever path you chose, find your "PASSION" - what do you really enjoy doing that is not toxic (alcohol, porn, video games) and then go for it (e.g. golf, hunting, museums, stamp collecting, whatever it is look into your heart and run with it). LIKE WILL ATTRACT LIKE. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on May 14, 2017 17:31:22 GMT -5
Come to my town hahahah! I have had more women complain to me than I'd have ever thought about how few single men there are in my area (lots of single moms in their mid 30's to 40's). There is a distinct lack of available men under the age of 60 :/
My brother in law visited and was swamped with Tinder hits and messages, it was weird.
This is outside of Seattle, lots of sugar Mama's hah!
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Post by randy53 on May 14, 2017 19:19:53 GMT -5
Come to my town hahahah! I have had more women complain to me than I'd have ever thought about how few single men there are in my area (lots of single moms in their mid 30's to 40's). There is a distinct lack of available men under the age of 60 :/ My brother in law visited and was swamped with Tinder hits and messages, it was weird. This is outside of Seattle, lots of sugar Mama's hah! Tell me the name of the town and I'm there!!! |
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Post by worksforme2 on May 15, 2017 9:27:30 GMT -5
By way of how things have changed conversationally between men and women(at least for me). One thing I have found since I started dating again is just how open most women are to conversations about sex. Not the sexting sort of stuff but face to face honest dialogue about if sex and intimacy is really something they are interested in. A woman that is sexual will be forthcoming about having it in the relationship and the forms she enjoys. PDA's, kissing, hugging, intimate caresses even when you both know there isn't time for anything to happen. At your 1st coffee meet just work the subject into the conversation and let her know your expectations about intimacy in the relationship. You might be surprised by the honest positive way many women reply to your honesty.
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