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Post by randy53 on Mar 4, 2017 15:35:38 GMT -5
My wife hasn't had sex with me for 4 years. When I try to get something started, she brings up what ever the last thing she was mad at me about. So what I'm wondering is what does she think is going to happen? That I'm going to wait forever? Everything is always on her terms, she would never do anything because I wanted her to do. Hi Randy53, So sorry to hear your story, but mine is very similar to yours. After about 10 years, my wife decided that I needed to make some changes in myself before she would have sex with me again. So I made those changes and guess what? The next time, she said she had more changes she wanted me to try. Then it was medical issues and then the topper - menopause. She informed me that she could no longer engage in any sex because she had lost her sex drive and wasn't going to take any hormonal meds that might bring it back because of the fear of cancer. So here I am, almost 17 years into a sexless marriage. I joined this group last year to get support and be able to learn from other people's experiences, which has been a tremendous help.
What I now know is that I'm no longer a victim. I'm still here by choice. My refuser wife is not ever going to change now, so there will never be any sexual, physical or emotional relationship between us again. We're just legal roommates. We sleep in separate rooms now because of her gripes about sharing the bed (covers, touching, snoring etc.). I've accepted for now that this is the relationship she desires. I'm here because I'm financially better off then if I were to divorce. So at this point, I go along to get along. But I also do what I need to do to try and make myself happy and I don't let my wife's opinions stop me from doing what I want to do. If she chooses to participate, fine, but I do many activities now without her. She just chooses to stay at home watching TV.
I'm glad you found us and you will have to make a hard choice. None of them are pleasant. I get no pleasure or enjoyment in being married to someone who decided to quit being loving, caring and romantic and just grips and complains about everything all the time. But it's the hard choice I made for now. It certainly doesn't mean I'm locked into this choice. I can and may make another choice, if and or when, I choose to do so or an opportunity comes along.
You will find supportive friends here. As we say here "welcome to the group NO ONE wants to be a member of".
I'm really surprised that this is so common. Why are there so many people that choose not to have sex. It makes no sense |
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Post by dinnaken on Mar 4, 2017 16:12:40 GMT -5
Hi Randy53,
Like you I was very surprised when I discovered that this problem in relationships was so common; in a world where sex is so prevalent in almost all aspects of the media, it is a topic which seems never to be discussed.
Perhaps in the future people will be able to talk about it more freely, without fear of mockery or condemnation, as people are beginning to talk openly about mental health problems.
But as an indication of how common it is, I confessed to my oldest friend that I was in a sexless marriage (I knew he and his wife slept in separate rooms so I thought it was a subject I could safely broach), he admitted that he was as well and gave me the names of two of his friends in the same situation; I could also name another two.
As he said, "we're just two guys and we haven't cast the stone very far into the pond and yet look how far the ripples have spread". It's a sadly common problem but here, at least you can find friends and support.
Best wishes
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Post by solodriver on Mar 4, 2017 17:18:04 GMT -5
I think there is some truth to the joke: What is the number one food that kills sex drives? Wedding Cake!
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Post by baza on Mar 4, 2017 18:07:00 GMT -5
If you are in an ILIASM shithole, the rate of dysfunctional marriages generally ain't particularly relevant.
For you, the refused spouse, in your situation, the rate is 100%.
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Post by randy53 on Mar 5, 2017 18:32:04 GMT -5
Hi randy53 - I too have a son and he just turned 18. One of my flagposts for leaving was when he became college bound. He graduated from high School last June, and I have yet to leave. Granted, it is my plan to exit in a relatively short period of time. I'm only telling you this so that you know that I hear you, and understand. Just like so many of us on this forum. Many many similar stories. Why have I waited? Sure, I'll tell you it was this arbitrary age of my child but, if I'm being honest, fear is the more accurate answer. Maybe complacency- take your pick. In any case, my child going off to college was just a convenient excuse to appease my own conscience. My own guilt for sacrificing so much of my self for what? Nothing. I'm not assuming you're afraid to leave, but, maybe it's something to consider. The thing is, we usually get along fine. We are like the best roommates ever. It's just when I try to make a move, she says something like "remember that thing you did 2 years ago? You were an asshole that day" and then she's mad at me yada, yada, yada |
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2017 18:47:33 GMT -5
"Everythings great bar the sex" - is a very common viewpoint in initial posts here Brother randy53 . It rarely stands up if put to a searching and objective review of the factual situation. Are you up for putting your deal right under the microscope ? If you are, perhaps a good place to start is this line - "we usually get along fine". Might it be - "we usually get on fine presupposing that she is getting her way". |
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Post by randy53 on Mar 5, 2017 20:22:09 GMT -5
"Everythings great bar the sex" - is a very common viewpoint in initial posts here Brother randy53 . It rarely stands up if put to a searching and objective review of the factual situation. Are you up for putting your deal right under the microscope ? If you are, perhaps a good place to start is this line - "we usually get along fine". Might it be - "we usually get on fine presupposing that she is getting her way". You are totally right, and that's why I'm here |
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Post by randy53 on Mar 5, 2017 20:27:06 GMT -5
"Everythings great bar the sex" - is a very common viewpoint in initial posts here Brother randy53 . It rarely stands up if put to a searching and objective review of the factual situation. Are you up for putting your deal right under the microscope ? If you are, perhaps a good place to start is this line - "we usually get along fine". Might it be - "we usually get on fine presupposing that she is getting her way". You are totally right, and that's why I'm here Lucky for me I have a friend looking out for me. She is looking for a lawyer for me and ready to move in with me. |
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2017 22:40:52 GMT -5
This is an interesting new bit of info Brother randy53You are, presumably, outsourcing ? That will chuck a further complication on an already complex situation. Prior suggestions about consulting a lawyer etc are an absolute MUST now. Having a third party involved invariably spins things off at some weird and wonderful tangents. And, most of those tangents involve the primary relationship collapsing either at your instigation, or at the instigation of an ape shit angry spouse when they figure what's going on. |
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Post by randy53 on Mar 5, 2017 23:53:00 GMT -5
This is an interesting new bit of info Brother randy53You are, presumably, outsourcing ? That will chuck a further complication on an already complex situation. Prior suggestions about consulting a lawyer etc are an absolute MUST now. Having a third party involved invariably spins things off at some weird and wonderful tangents. And, most of those tangents involve the primary relationship collapsing either at your instigation, or at the instigation of an ape shit angry spouse when they figure what's going on. No she not an outsource, she is also in a bad situation and looking for her own escape. She is not married but living with an abuser. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2017 10:41:25 GMT -5
Hi randy53 - I too have a son and he just turned 18. One of my flagposts for leaving was when he became college bound. He graduated from high School last June, and I have yet to leave. Granted, it is my plan to exit in a relatively short period of time. I'm only telling you this so that you know that I hear you, and understand. Just like so many of us on this forum. Many many similar stories. Why have I waited? Sure, I'll tell you it was this arbitrary age of my child but, if I'm being honest, fear is the more accurate answer. Maybe complacency- take your pick. In any case, my child going off to college was just a convenient excuse to appease my own conscience. My own guilt for sacrificing so much of my self for what? Nothing. I'm not assuming you're afraid to leave, but, maybe it's something to consider. The thing is, we usually get along fine. We are like the best roommates ever. It's just when I try to make a move, she says something like "remember that thing you did 2 years ago? You were an asshole that day" and then she's mad at me yada, yada, yada This is so typical of a refuser. He/she will find an excuse to avoid sex at all costs. |
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Post by randy53 on Mar 6, 2017 11:17:48 GMT -5
The thing is, we usually get along fine. We are like the best roommates ever. It's just when I try to make a move, she says something like "remember that thing you did 2 years ago? You were an asshole that day" and then she's mad at me yada, yada, yada This is so typical of a refuser. He/she will find an excuse to avoid sex at all costs. This is really blowing my mind that what I thought was so weird is so common. I me where do these people come from that don't like sex? Or can take it or leave it!! I don't get it! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2017 11:37:26 GMT -5
This is so typical of a refuser. He/she will find an excuse to avoid sex at all costs. This is really blowing my mind that what I thought was so weird is so common. I me where do these people come from that don't like sex? Or can take it or leave it!! I don't get it! Unfortunately, they are everywhere. And there are just as many male refusers as female. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 6, 2017 14:43:12 GMT -5
This is really blowing my mind that what I thought was so weird is so common. I me where do these people come from that don't like sex? Or can take it or leave it!! I don't get it! Unfortunately, they are everywhere. And there are just as many male refusers as female. thank you for that. i'm so sick and tired of hearing how only women refuse men and yet my husband started rejecting me after two weeks of marriage. And more often than not, he denies it or acts like it was only one time. and then turned around and said I was just too old to want it. ehhh, go figure |
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