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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 11:48:33 GMT -5
You are correct. There is lots of toxicity, manipulation and control issues in the relationship. I am super laid back until Im not. She poked a sleeping lion.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 12:28:23 GMT -5
You are correct. There is lots of toxicity, manipulation and control issues in the relationship. I am super laid back until Im not. She poked a sleeping lion. I get that and could have written that. I tended to avoid direct confrontation, and I think she used that against me. Thus why I was cautioning you to stand your ground at those key (and possibly relatively rare) moments. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 12:40:44 GMT -5
In my line of work...confrontation is a given. Im used to it and get paid well for it. But part of that is to have thick skin and approach things diplomatically because large sums of money are on the line. You cant just thump your chest to show who is more alpha. Well you can, but you'd be out if a job quickly.
I tend to be the same at home, try to appoach things diplomatically. AND she does take advantage of that. She probably perceives it as a sign of weakness and acts accordingly. Until now that is. Ive left the bedroom to sleep in another room for a few months now. I dont pursue sex. Dont talk about sex or lament over the lack of it. There is no affection from my part. We are basically roommates. We have 4 kids so most of our discussions are about the kids or the house work.
She seems happier. I sleep so much better. But she's is also uneasy about the loss of control on the affection front.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 14:13:56 GMT -5
In my line of work...confrontation is a given. Im used to it and get paid well for it. But part of that is to have thick skin and approach things diplomatically because large sums of money are on the line. You cant just thump your chest to show who is more alpha. Well you can, but you'd be out if a job quickly. I tend to be the same at home, try to appoach things diplomatically. AND she does take advantage of that. She probably perceives it as a sign of weakness and acts accordingly. Until now that is. Ive left the bedroom to sleep in another room for a few months now. I dont pursue sex. Dont talk about sex or lament over the lack of it. There is no affection from my part. We are basically roommates. We have 4 kids so most of our discussions are about the kids or the house work. She seems happier. I sleep so much better. But she's is also uneasy about the loss of control on the affection front. You've negotiated your way into a deal where she is happy and you are not, and you have established a new status quo ensuring that. You may be happy with that, or you may not. She may be uneasy about the loss of control but she got what she really wanted. Sort of. She'll adjust, and be even happier. Will you? |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 14:43:17 GMT -5
I'll be ok. I have 4 beautiful kids, a job and colleagues I enjoy. If worse came to worse I can take a job traveling again and Im sure adventures would follow. But Ill hold that card for the time being.
Need to figure out what I want to do first. Not even close to that yet since Im still detaching. Im going to try journalling so people can follow alongnif they wish.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 15:12:11 GMT -5
I'll be ok. I have 4 beautiful kids, a job and colleagues I enjoy. If worse came to worse I can take a job traveling again and Im sure adventures would follow. But Ill hold that card for the time being. Need to figure out what I want to do first. Not even close to that yet since Im still detaching. Im going to try journalling so people can follow alongnif they wish. From your backstory, it appears you've been married (or together) 17 years, and you're around 44, so you can expect a long life together unless you change something. I know what it's like to spend more than a decade in the fully detached deal you've made for yourself (which was inevitable of course). If I knew then (before year 20) what I know now, after 32 years of an SM, I would have gotten out then. Because I never foresaw the mental damage it would do to me. I hope you deal with it better than I did. From what I've read here, with some reading between the lines, the 3rd decade of an SM is far, far worse than the first 2. You might think you adjust, but if you read the stories of the 3 decade vets here, you may come to a different conclusion. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 15:25:54 GMT -5
I appreciate the input. And Im here to learn and share.
Here's a funny but true story. People used to ask us how long we've been married. So we'd answer. But I would joke that we upgraded to include the 20 year option.
Them:20 year option? What is that?
Me: Well at 20 years we'll take a nice trip somewhere and figure out if we want to stick around another 20 years. If not we go our separate ways
Well. Guess who jokes about that now. It aint me. :-)
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 15:59:01 GMT -5
I appreciate the input. And Im here to learn and share. Here's a funny but true story. People used to ask us how long we've been married. So we'd answer. But I would joke that we upgraded to include the 20 year option. Them:20 year option? What is that? Me: Well at 20 years we'll take a nice trip somewhere and figure out if we want to stick around another 20 years. If not we go our separate ways Well. Guess who jokes about that now. It aint me. :-) Actually,that is a convo you should have with your wife, but in private. The rest of your life may depend on it. The fact that you can no longer even joke about it among friends was a HUGE win for your wife... You've had a 30 ton elephant in the bedroom for 5 years now, but neither of you are willing to face it head on. The elephant will keep eating and get bigger every year. At some point it will start growing exponentially. At some point it will be so big you will find it necessary to relocate to the couch or another bedroom. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 16:36:00 GMT -5
You are right. That conversation will come. And even tho we joked about it, I may in fact propose that we take that trip at year 20 and make a decision.
Speaking of elephants, I have another story.
An elephant in Sri Lanka is having a bear of a time scratching an itch between his shoulder blades where his trunk does not reach. He sees a mouse close by and summons him over.
Pssst. Mouse, can you climb on my back and scratch between my shoulders.
Whats in it for me, elephant?
What do you want?
Mouse thinks it over and says, I want to fuck you in the ass.
Elephant relunctantly agrees but only after moving over by the palm trees so his buddies cant see.
While the elephant is basking in the soothing relief from the itch, the mouse positions himself behind the elephant and gets ready.
The elephant turns to look at the mouse and bumps his head on a palm tree, releasing a coconut that lands on his head.
Ahhhhhh, the elephant winces in pain.
Aha! A virgin! says the mouse as he grinds his hips into the elephant from behind.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 16:47:03 GMT -5
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