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Post by WindSister on Mar 1, 2017 14:15:03 GMT -5
So what is your real-life friendship life like?
I have to say, it's hard for me to make actual friends at this stage in my life in this new area we moved to 3 years ago. I suppose part of the reason is I am always with my husband. Tonight is literally the first time he is going out with guy friends after work since we have been together. He was feeling weird about it but I told him not to at all! My gosh -- go out for a few, have fun! He needs to be able to talk freely without me there sometimes, too. I know that's healthy, we just haven't done it. No one has been holding anyone back or anything- it just hasn't happened. He took awhile to open up and befriend those at his work and we have just been busy doing our own thing. But now he is starting to make some good friendships there. I am happy for him! It doesn't hurt that I really like and respect the guys he is going out with tonight - good people. I enjoy being around them, too.
Anyway - my job is isolating. I can't really go out with staff -- that's not appropriate. My peers are all scattered across a few counties so we don't get together for happy hour or anything. I actually like this one woman who works with my husband - we have a big camping trip coming up in June with his work crew friends - maybe she and I can set up kayaking trips after that, I know she wants to try kayaking; she could use my husband's kayak sometime and I could take her (he already suggested it).
But, yeah, since moving from the city I lived in (3 hours away), I just don't have a group of women that I can hang out with anymore. I used to do a lot in the city and I am still friends with the women I was friends with there, but I just don't see them anymore.
I guess I will work on being more mindful and create/seize opportunities. I am sure it can still be done! Small towns are just a little tougher, I think.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 1, 2017 19:26:30 GMT -5
It's not so easy to make let alone keep up friendships when we lead busy lives and for a long time it was just my husband and I and the kids. We didn't have any social life outside of each other, very unhealthy. As my children got older, when my youngest was 4 I felt like the kids were a little more independent, as well I discovered I was in a SM and started detaching from my H, so I was seeking outlets to cope.
I became more friendly at work and have some close friends there.
One or two of the baseball dads I became close friends with. I hosted an adult game night with their wives and now we are all friends. Occasionally I'll go out with the wife or wives.
My college girlfriends and I reconnected last year after my divorce, and we all live 40 minutes to an hour from each other but we make an effort to get together a few times a year.
I made a new friend that recently separated and she and I have gone out a few times.
If I can get together once a month with a girlfriend I enjoy that. A lot of times I need to make the effort or take the initiative to make it happen.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2017 13:33:41 GMT -5
I'm very grateful that I've recently gotten more active with a friend I've known since college.
I have probably hundreds of acquaintances and lite friends. For an introvert, I know a lot of people. (And I'm no longer certain I'm a true introvert. I never accomplish a thing without other people expecting things of me. If I had no obligations, I could easily become a passive consumer of entertainment, and do nothing with my life. I need other people to give me that kick in the butt to get going.)
Anyway - Robin and I have known each other since college; and I visited her last weekend. She is one of the few people on this earth who I think I could tell *anything*, IRL. She's the only IRL friend who I feel truly understood about my SM problem; and she may be helping me to be less in denial about Mr. Kat's Rx drug problem.
And, she may come visit me in about 2 weeks. I hope so!
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 5, 2017 10:40:16 GMT -5
I used to think I was an introvert.
It was pointed out to me that I am a dick and I just don't like people. So it works out well for everyone.
As for creating friendships irl, I have been fortunate.
I have childhood friends, and new friends. Eight, to be exact.
These people have saved me at different points of my life. I mean that literally.
They mean the world to me and I will do anything in my power to help them.
So if you are meaning a connection like that, it's difficult. If you are looking for a confidant, choose wisely. If you are looking for someone to go to the movies with, that's easy.
But the first step is this.
Be the person, you would want as a friend.
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2017 15:27:26 GMT -5
Beautifully put Brother wewbwb. Heard a saying once, words to the effect - "If you want a good friend, be a good friend". I reckon I know 100 people I'd be happy to go to the movies with. Among them, I reckon there are about 20 with whom I would be comfortable with discussing most things. Of that 20 there are 5 people who know a great deal about me (and vice versa) with whom I am comfortable discussing anything, including very personal issues. And of that 5, there is Ms enna at the top of the pile. I think there are "grades" of friends too. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Mar 5, 2017 18:24:48 GMT -5
When I started down this course over the summer, my friends were the first ones I was able to talk to about it, and particularly my closest friends from school, childhood, and work who know me best. They'd noticed that I'd dropped off the grid for a good bit, and as I opened up to them, pieces started falling into place for them about what had been going on in my life. Since then, they've been invaluable to checking up on me, making sure I'm ok, listening when I need somebody to talk to, and offer insights based on what they've seen and observed of the both of us.
The wife and I had a few mutual couple friends, but they're nowhere near as close to either me or her, depending, and because all of them have kids, haven't been around as much when it comes to what's been going on. They've mostly fallen on "her side" and are wondering what's wrong with me.
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Post by obobfla on Mar 5, 2017 19:06:30 GMT -5
I don't have a lot of friends. I'm someone who has always enjoyed his own company. Plus, I come from a large family, so I have brothers and sisters to talk to. My family is pretty tight. But I have had some very close friends, particularly female friends, who know my story. They are also friends with my wife and try to be objective with me.
I did have a close male friend, but our friendship fell apart. He just went through a divorce, became extremely religious, and frowned on how I was unfaithful to my wife. I stayed friends with his ex, and she is now a massage therapist who gives me massages (not the erotic kind). She's good because she knows my body so well and where I hurt. During the last few years, her marriage was sexless. She connected with an old love and is planning to get married.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 5, 2017 23:29:59 GMT -5
I have a lot of new friends from recovery programs. After being in the group's a while, I can tell (mostly) who has good sobriety & who is half-measuring it.
I truly can talk to a lot of the women about nearly anything & a handful of the men, too.
I am so grateful for recovery- it is what brought me so many people who I do consider true friends.
I've made new friends at work, too. Very different life to work in a positive environment!!
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 6, 2017 9:21:18 GMT -5
A- It's not so easy to make let alone keep up friendships when we lead busy lives B- A lot of times I need to make the effort or take the initiative to make it happen. A - As for it not being so easy. We, all of us, make the time to do what is important to us. I find time to shot a match, watch tv, do a little knitting and do a 1000 other things that are not nearly as important as connecting with my friends. - I make to time to send an email or text saying "Hey I was thinking about the time we.... I can't believe how stupid we were." Make the time. B- So what? They are your friends - The Frigidaire complains about this "Why am I also the one who has to make the effort?" Big deal. Make the effort. I don't see the issue. If they are my friends - me making the effort, is literally the least I can do. bballgirl - please do not think I am personally criticizing you. I'm not, it's simply that these two complaints are common. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 6, 2017 10:42:10 GMT -5
A- It's not so easy to make let alone keep up friendships when we lead busy lives B- A lot of times I need to make the effort or take the initiative to make it happen. A - As for it not being so easy. We, all of us, make the time to do what is important to us. I find time to shot a match, watch tv, do a little knitting and do a 1000 other things that are not nearly as important as connecting with my friends. - I make to time to send an email or text saying "Hey I was thinking about the time we.... I can't believe how stupid we were." Make the time. B- So what? They are your friends - The Frigidaire complains about this "Why am I also the one who has to make the effort?" Big deal. Make the effort. I don't see the issue. If they are my friends - me making the effort, is literally the least I can do. bballgirl - please do not think I am personally criticizing you. I'm not, it's simply that these two complaints are common. I agree with you totally. I enjoy friendships so I don't mind taking the initiative to keep up with friends. Friendships and socializing make me happy. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 7, 2017 15:18:17 GMT -5
Making friendships......this is probably the greatest flaw in my character. I don't do this well. In fact I almost never do this at all. I don't know why. I am pretty good at starting conversations or holding up my end if someone else starts one. But I just don't seem to have the need to go further than being acquainted with 99% of the people I come into contact with. I'm not unfriendly at all. I think I have a pretty quick wit and a somewhat rapier sense of humor but I never come away thinking "I really need to pursue a closer relationship with this or that person". Yeah, this has to be my biggest character flaw.
But if I ever do come to consider someone a friend, I am with them to the death if it comes to it.
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