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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 1, 2017 17:44:59 GMT -5
It appears that at this point, you know that - a fulfilling sexual life ain't going to happen with your spouse. And that if you are to have a fulfilling sex life, he ain't in that picture. It really seems to come down to being a matter of 'how far out of the picture' he goes. All the way out ? - ie the marriage being dissolved or Part of the way out ? - ie an open arrangement That's your call to make, and either option is perfectly valid. It probably comes down to whether you are looking for a regular fuck, or whether you are looking for a new primary relationship. If you are open to a new primary relationship (the whole enchilada including sex) then the existing primary relationship needs to be wound up and ended so you are available should the right bloke cross your sights. What do you want Sister lostheart ? Ah, behold the Rub . . . the absolute and ultimate OWNERSHIP of the DECISION is for Each to make. No way around it whatsoever. |
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Post by unmatched on Mar 1, 2017 20:36:45 GMT -5
I agree with Dan. Given your husband's chronic lack of confidence, it does seem very likely than an open marriage is going to drive the two of you further apart. That may not be the end of the world, but you would really need to know why you are doing it and what kind of marriage you want to have for the future.
A lot of your story is very familiar to me. My relationship didn't start out sexless as yours did, but my wife has always had issues around sex and once the initial hormone rush died off our sex life got worse and worse over time. To the point where she rarely had any libido at all except (like you) very occasionally when she felt threatened or was drunk. The rest of the time any libido she does have gets strangled by the mass of neurotic crap that is piled on top. It reached a head about a year ago and we more or less decided to split up and then both agreed to try counselling first. The counselling has been good, in that we are much better able to talk to each other and relate to each other's point of view. And we have been having sex more and trying to make it work, but the truth is once you have been in a SM for a long time it is really difficult. There is so much baggage, and so much history of pain, that it is like rubbing raw wounds against each other. We still love each other and are trying, but it is like being on an emotional roller-coaster. We had sex a couple of weeks ago, and she struggled to get into it but felt obligated to keep going and then felt awful afterwards, which made me feel like shit. That set us back quite a way. And then we had sex again last weekend when she was drunk and I just didn't want to be having sex with somebody who had no interest in me at all until she found the bottom of that bottle of wine. And again felt really icky afterwards. It is not always like that, but it does make me wonder whether our sexual connection hasn't just died and we aren't trying desperately to beat it back to life again.
I guess what I am trying to say is it sounds like your husband wants to make your marriage work, and is making an effort in that direction. And maybe - maybe! - he can recover some libido through his counselling. But if it hasn't happened by now I don't know how likely that is. And if he doesn't want you, it doesn't matter how much he wants to want you. You are just going to keep hurting each other. He will feel like shit because he feels inadequate and can't give you what you want. And you will feel like shit because you need intimacy and sex in your life and he can't give it to you. And sometimes there is no solution.
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 2, 2017 0:47:59 GMT -5
. . . And if he doesn't want you, it doesn't matter how much he wants to want you . . . . . . And sometimes there is no solution. If I may hone in on the crux of the matter . . . |
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Post by lyn on Mar 2, 2017 2:55:26 GMT -5
Hi lostheart. I'm glad that you found us, and hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you're not alone. I can relate so much to your story. You are one patient woman, but, this you already know. Sometimes, as we've all learned, patience is a virtue. Sometimes it's just not. In your case, my dear, it seems to be your worst enemy. With each day spent in a sexless - intimacy free marriage, we lose a bit of ourselves. Little by little, these days will add-up. This subtle erosion will eventually devastate. One day, we'll wake up only to find a fragile shell of the glorious person we once were. Your patience could destroy you. Your relationship is that of a roommate, or maybe a sibling even. I'm sorry to say, it's just not a marriage. Sex is important. Intimacy is crucial. Without these, you have just a simple arrangement. Please, consider the reality of the situation. If you're to live an authentic and abundant life full of sex and intimacy, you're going to have to pick yourself up and move on. There's no magic remedy for a long term sexless marriage. It will not turn around. Sorry to be such a buzzkill. Xx |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 2, 2017 4:21:19 GMT -5
Hi lostheart . I'm glad that you found us, and hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you're not alone. I can relate so much to your story. You are one patient woman, but, this you already know. Sometimes, as we've all learned, patience is a virtue. Sometimes it's just not. In your case, my dear, it seems to be your worst enemy. With each day spent in a sexless - intimacy free marriage, we lose a bit of ourselves. Little by little, these days will add-up. This subtle erosion will eventually devastate. One day, we'll wake up only to find a fragile shell of the glorious person we once were. Your patience could destroy you. Your relationship is that of a roommate, or maybe a sibling even. I'm sorry to say, it's just not a marriage. Sex is important. Intimacy is crucial. Without these, you have just a simple arrangement. Please, consider the reality of the situation. If you're to live an authentic and abundant life full of sex and intimacy, you're going to have to pick yourself up and move on. There's no magic remedy for a long term sexless marriage. It will not turn around. Sorry to be such a buzzkill. Xx Just simply a post so PROFOUND and HONEST (unavoidably so a bit brutal because it penetrates so deep). Sublime to read. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2017 15:36:10 GMT -5
Hi Teervij, no we don't have any children. We have dependencies though, like financial and other. I am working at it but don't know what the outcome will be yet Deal with the finances & leave. I seriously doubt he will ever change. There is no reason to stay in this situation. |
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lostheart
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lostheart on Mar 3, 2017 3:03:35 GMT -5
lostheart , Dan and others have given you some sound advice and thoughts. I would add that your story, unfortunately, is not unique. There is a woman on here (I cannot remember her username) with a nearly identical story who now is in an open marriage. It is working for her at least for now. Maybe one of the other members can remember her name. What struck me in your story was how his libido would skyrocket when another man made a play for you. So then his childhood abuse was not a problem. It sounds to me that he may have a cuckold fetish, in which case an open marriage may be advantageous. If you do have sex with your H (or anyone) always use protection, it only takes 1 sperm cell to impregnate you. If that happens then your life veers off on a whole new path. Hi jim, yes I lurked into this blog for a couple of months before I registered and noticed a woman who (practically?) never had sex with her H but was very good friends. Unfortunately I don't think I read from her any more for at least a month or so. I think her avatar may have been an elderly native American woman or so?! Yes, maybe someone else remembers her name that would be nice.. By the way, not sure if that thing you mentioned about my H's libido is a fetish or if he was afraid to lose me and that my increased his libido? |
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Post by Dan on Mar 3, 2017 8:17:25 GMT -5
Hi jim, yes I lurked into this blog for a couple of months before I registered and noticed a woman who (practically?) never had sex with her H but was very good friends. Unfortunately I don't think I read from her any more for at least a month or so. I think her avatar may have been an elderly native American woman or so?! Yes, maybe someone else remembers her name that would be nice.. I wonder if you are speaking of Isabellas39 . <-- Click the link to see her profile, and see if that is the avatar you are recalling. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2017 9:19:39 GMT -5
lostheart, I will not repeat what others have said, but they all have good ideas. If even your counselor says it's unlikely that he will ever be able to give you a reasonable sex life - what does that tell you?
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