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Post by Copernicus on Feb 25, 2017 23:04:29 GMT -5
In reading through the many posts on this forum and the crappy situation of ILIASM that we all find ourselves in, it is understandable that so many have gone through, or going through, nasty divorces. Has anyone gone through an 'amicable' divorce, at least to the extent that it was done through mediation rather than lawyers?
I'm sure many of you (if not all) understand that there is a substantial amount of inertia in making that final decision to start proceedings because of the ensuing chaos. I certainly don't wish to lose everything, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in this SM. After all, I'm entering the Autumn of my life and I would like to think that I could spend my remaining time in a loving, sexually expressive marriage.
Does anybody on here actually regret making the decision to divorce, wishing that they had stayed in the SM?
I appreciate any guidance here. Thanks a bundle.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 25, 2017 23:26:56 GMT -5
I asked my wife for a divorce last month. So far it is proceeding amicably. It seems to me that there are a few things that are necessary: your spouse is actually a person of good will, you have something in common you both care about more than "winning" (in our case the kids), and you are willing to give things up to keep the peace.
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Post by baza on Feb 26, 2017 0:03:23 GMT -5
After the initial acrimony, and things cooled off a bit, my missus and I nutted out what we figured was a reasonable split of assets (under an instrument called a "Binding Financial Agreement")
In effect, the splitting of the assets. The 'financial divorce' if you like.
The actual 'marriage divorce' we didn't even bother about until a couple of years after that. And it was just a rubber stamp on what we'd already done.
I would regard it as pretty amicable, but it sure was pretty lively in the lead up to me leaving, and immediately after.
It is possible to have an amicable divorce I reckon - presuppossing you both behave like adults.
But I do think it would be an error to assume that it will be amicable.
But the main game is getting out.
Whether you do it with grace and class, or whether you do it in anger and blame doesn't really matter.
You don't get points for style and artistic merit.
One way out is as good as another.
In regard to - "anybody on here actually regret making the decision to divorce, wishing that they had stayed in the SM?"
Personally, no regrets.
Also, I have been a member of this (and the group that preceeded it) since Feb 09. That's 8 years.
Of all the stories I have read from ILIASM escapees, hundreds and hundreds of them, I have seen only one (1) being Sister Carissimo, who expressed a wish to return to her ILIASM shithole.
The most common thing you see escapees saying is - "I regret not leaving earlier".
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Post by tamara68 on Feb 26, 2017 5:14:16 GMT -5
I also regret not leaving much much earlier. I am going to a bad divorce now but I know someone from EP who has has a amicable divorce. She didn't really want to divorce but agreed because she understood it was the best option. They have managed to agree fairly quickly on a lot of matters, even a few complicated financial issues. She has even stayed in touch with her former family in law.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 26, 2017 6:27:35 GMT -5
My divorce was amicable. I used a lawyer but that was only $3000.
We are friends and co parents. A couple of times a month we take the kids together to dinner as a family unit. It is possible. If you haven't talked to an attorney then go for a free consult to get informed on what's best for you.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 26, 2017 6:51:24 GMT -5
I had an amicable divorce. My X and I remain best friends. We still date. we attend the same church and occasionally we are still intimate. The sex is actually better since she is no longer stressed to fulfill a perceived martial obligation, but is free to indulge on her terms and time. A number of folks here have divorced and remained friends, some actually saying the relationship is better than when they were married. Like most things in life it just has to be what you want.
We lived as roommates and I helped her find a new home. Having a construction background I take care of a lot of her "honey do" repairs.
We worked out all the details before separating so our need for an attorney was minimal. I paid for the attorney and I think my total outlay for him and court fees was around $700.00. So separation can be done without the animosity if both parties are of the mindset that it's what's in their best interest. Good luck
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Post by nancyb on Feb 26, 2017 8:38:09 GMT -5
I am going through an amicable divorce. We used lawyers to get some information and have been working out the details ourselves. We will use a mediator to work out the financial support details. There was a lot of animosity at the beginning but now its civil enough. We are still living in the same house while I am preparing to buy a home for myself.
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 26, 2017 16:20:32 GMT -5
I asked for a separation last month and things are proceeding amicably. On my part there were years of anguish and heart searching before I asked and I can see that in time I will wish I had asked sooner but, in reality, this is the right time for me.
Having asked, my wife agreed to my request; we live in the UK, so after two years apart we can formalise things with a divorce.
It's been a bit tense at times but we have avoided anger and recrimination; there is blame and sadness on both sides. Six weeks down the line we've a good idea of the joint assets and we're sorting out a second home for my wife to move out to (her choice). We've got to sort out a financial agreement, which we are drawing up ourselves, there are some minor costs to be incurred and the court fees when we finally divorce.
It taken it's toll on my wife and me; we are both very tired all the time. It takes courage and energy to keep things moving along; I don't know how it will be when we finally part, rough I expect, but after years of emotional numbness I now feel a mixture of excitement & fear for the future and that feels OK.
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Post by itsjustus on Feb 26, 2017 17:06:19 GMT -5
In reading through the many posts on this forum and the crappy situation of ILIASM that we all find ourselves in, it is understandable that so many have gone through, or going through, nasty divorces. Has anyone gone through an 'amicable' divorce, at least to the extent that it was done through mediation rather than lawyers? I'm sure many of you (if not all) understand that there is a substantial amount of inertia in making that final decision to start proceedings because of the ensuing chaos. I certainly don't wish to lose everything, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in this SM. After all, I'm entering the Autumn of my life and I would like to think that I could spend my remaining time in a loving, sexually expressive marriage. Does anybody on here actually regret making the decision to divorce, wishing that they had stayed in the SM? I appreciate any guidance here. Thanks a bundle. As Baz noted, I had two halves to my divorce. The financial and the emotional. In the financial/legal aspect, my ex and I pretty much agreed on everything, with me voluntarily giving up quite a bit financially because of the disparagement in our earning capability (Mine high, her's low). Everything else 50/50. We "used" the same attorney, which represented her, while I had a consulting attorney that I paid by the hour just to check fact's and look over paperwork. Essentially I was not represented officially. We filed the paperwork and a short time later, got an email that it was official. End of Financial/Legal. Emotionally, it was a train wreck and a living hell. My ex is not a very positive person (those who know her thru here can hear the understatement.....lol) and she has and continues to, make my life miserable. It has taken me quite awhile to "train" her, and myself, that I won't respond to mis-treatment any longer, mostly by me not responding to anything from her at all. I can still feel the hatred thru the ozone....... So....while it was partially amicable, it cost me a great deal of my retirement savings....and cost me a great deal of emotional turmoil. But.......I wanted the Autumn of my life spent in a loving, sexually expressive relationship. And I am. I wouldn't take any of it back.
I don't and won't regret a moment of it.....ever. |
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Post by Copernicus on Feb 28, 2017 20:50:59 GMT -5
All, thanks so much for the feedback and advice - at least it gives me some hope.
We had our second marriage counseling session yesterday - same list of complaints of all the stuff I've done wrong over the past 30yrs. I've heard it so many times I can predict exactly what she's going to say. Maybe, one day, she'll surprise me with something new? On the horizon, I can see a fork in the road...
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Post by baza on Feb 28, 2017 21:15:14 GMT -5
You can, now, make some rudimentary preparations for that looming fork in the road Brother Copernicus. You could - - See a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you. - Within the parameters of that advice, start putting together an exit strategy, and knocking it in to do-able shape. - Shore up your support network. - Research everything you can find on helping kids (if any) transition through such an event. Then, if you want to take that fork in the road, you'll at least have some sort of map to refer to. And if you choose to keep following the same path as you have and not use that information you have gathered, you haven't actually lost much bar a bit of time. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 5, 2017 20:15:01 GMT -5
Copernicus - my divorce was amicable. My news of a decision to divorce was a total surprise to my Ex, and yet within about 20 minutes talking about it the very first time - he basically said "ok" - - - I had actually expected a little more fight than that, but I had to remind myself that I wanted OUT more than a declaration of "love" from him and so I moved on. I moved to the guest room and then for about 6 weeks, we were better roommates than we had been during the previous 3 years (or so). I moved into an apartment and we transacted on business like grown up partners (or nearly). Everything went fine - partly because I refused to fight about things like money (and that's the only "item" he really cared about anymore). He stayed living in our house while he fixed what was needed to put it on the market. We split the proceeds of that sale 50/50. All other assets went by the standard of: what's mine is mine and what's his is his. Much of his retirement was accrued prior to our wedding and it was just easier to deal with it that way. It cost me, but it made the whole dissolution much simpler and expeditious. We are still facebook friends and we hug hello and goodbye when we see each other. There's some tension, but certainly NOT more than when we were in the last years of SM. He treats me like he would a stranger, basically, or a cashier at a store: polite, businesslike, some jokes & humor. We "transact" our visits with the stepkids or grandkids and we get along fine, brief as those visits are. It can be done amicably. Like much of the SM itself, however, it depends on the personalities of both parties. Take care of YOU. If it all goes to hell anyway, you will still be okay if you follow that basic rule.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 6, 2017 15:22:31 GMT -5
Amicable -- yes, we were amicable. I left with all I could fit in my SUV (and on it). He got the rest. We hugged, had the obligatory tears but nothing too earth shattering. We said we would remain friends, we didn't. We live in two different worlds, hours apart, don't have kids together. We were indifferent as a couple, so divorce was no different.
MY SIL plans on staying "close friends" with her soon-to-be-ex. I predict that will happen as long as there aren't others in the picture but the "close friends" part will slowly diminish as they have serious partners. Even the guy she is interested in right now gets mad when she talks to her ex too much as it is. Can't say I blame him -- I would seriously question why a "close friendship" has to be in place, but then I tend to be more of a "cut em off and leave em" type, moving on without looking back or hanging on to any facet of what it might have been.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 7, 2017 9:12:41 GMT -5
I love this, WindSister: moving on without looking back or hanging on to any facet of what it might have been I had a BIG breakthrough therapy session yesterday. It was actually about how I grew up (was raised by a tribe of brothers & sisters - mother an emotionally vacant dictator...well, mostly, or anyway that is how it felt). Something about all the sharing and verbalizing that I do not need to look outside myself for love, that I just never REALLY learned I was enough but that I am capable of learning that now.... After I had left, I had a thought of the Loverman and it was not like it used to be. I had let go. I don't know how the two were connected, but I'm certain they were. He's a friend (b/c I introduced him to my 12-step program and I still support him in that effort) but no more a friend I need or want or hope for something from. I have a loving detachment that actually (TRULY) hopes the best for him & his current relationship. I may not be describing the "shift" well enough - but I could tell that I have moved on and it makes (allows) the past to be the good that it was without ANY shadow of "could have been" anymore. It felt SO different - and wonderful. I am glad to let go of things that no longer support my happiness. And by doing it, the parts that were good have that "shadow" removed from them. He & I had some great times - but they were all at the beginning, really, and I just "didn't notice" (i.e., was in denial) that it had changed from really fun to kind of a drag. Now - there is no drag. I am free like a bird, I feel lighter and in charge of my own direction. I'm not quite there (totally free) on the Ex - yet. But now I know I only have a few layers to peel away to be that way. The shared (step)kids with their children too (grandbabies I don't really see) still has some sting to it. But it's workable and solvable and I will continue my progress. This growth shit is addictive! |
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Post by dinnaken on Mar 7, 2017 15:22:26 GMT -5
Hi Geek Goddess,
Thank you so much for this post; I found it really reassuring.
I'm very pleased to hear that it is possible to make progress unravelling all the shit n' corruption that seems to come with a Sexless Marriage.
I say this because as my STBX and me approach the parting of the ways, in the last few days, it's beginning to dawn on me just how 'messed up' I am and just how much work I'm going to have to do to, sorting my shit out, before I can move on.
So good for you, keep up the good work and thank you!
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