Same Problem, Different Commodity.
Feb 23, 2017 21:49:23 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, jim44444, and 5 more like this
Post by baza on Feb 23, 2017 21:49:23 GMT -5
Background.
Due to a gambling issue that emerged in my deal, I joined a 12 step group called GamAnon (a group for the spouse / family of someone with a gambling problem). Much like AlAnon, NarcAnon in providing support to the persons who are collateral damage.
I got a huge amount out of that group, but I'm not here to promote it.
Rather, I just wanted to share with you all, that just about every newbie to that group would initially hold a position that - "Everything was great, bar the gambling".
And then, over some weeks, as they fleshed out their story, inevitably a picture of a fundamentally dysfunctional situation would be revealed.
In other words, a GamAnon shithole.
The similarities between the old EP ILIASM group (and this current version of it) are quite striking.
GamAnon people, as their stories unfolded, were looking for "the method" of stopping their spouse gambling.
And in that quest, they were singularly unsuccessful. Unsurprisingly, as such a quest relies on *you* changing *them* which is an impossibility.
Some, would bale out, as the group could not help them to "force" the gambler to stop, and they'd presumably direct their search for the "magic bullet" solution somewhere else.
Some would stay, and absorb what they found useful.
I first rocked up to a meeting as a newbie in about 2005. Looking for the "magic bullet" solution.
It was obvious at that first meeting that there was no such thing, but, a couple of the veteran members had made an interesting observation or two, which was enough to drag me back the next week.
Over and over and over the two options available were discussed, debated, and turned upside down and examined from every possible angle explored.
Those options being -
#1 - To continue with your choice to stay in that environment, and how you might manage that.
#2 - To choose a different course of action, and how you might manage that.
And, of critical importance, to fully own YOUR choice, and accept the responsibilities and consequences that go with it.
There was very little discussion of the gambler in this group. Very little.
It was all about *you*. What *you* could do, what *you* couldn't do and essentially recognised that what the gambler did was a matter over which you had no control at all.
It was a life saver for me - but again, I am not trying to promote it - I am just noting the similarities between that GamAnon group, and our group.
PS - as an aside, when the subject of sex came up at GamAnon, it was inevitably missing in the relationship too. Hardly anyone was ever surprised by this, like it was an expected outcome.
I understand that. If your spouse has just pissed the mortgage payment money down the throat of a slot machine, you probably are not real likely to want to be in the same house as them, let alone wanting to fuck them.
Ps to the PS
Of this group, there was a hard core of "senior" members who had been in the group for years.
Maria, Phillip, Roberta, Manfred, George, Alby, Lucien and Neil.
Of these 8, 7 were divorced. (Uniformly, it took them many years to make that choice)
Lucien is still with his missus.
I'm still in touch with several of these people, 12 years on
Due to a gambling issue that emerged in my deal, I joined a 12 step group called GamAnon (a group for the spouse / family of someone with a gambling problem). Much like AlAnon, NarcAnon in providing support to the persons who are collateral damage.
I got a huge amount out of that group, but I'm not here to promote it.
Rather, I just wanted to share with you all, that just about every newbie to that group would initially hold a position that - "Everything was great, bar the gambling".
And then, over some weeks, as they fleshed out their story, inevitably a picture of a fundamentally dysfunctional situation would be revealed.
In other words, a GamAnon shithole.
The similarities between the old EP ILIASM group (and this current version of it) are quite striking.
GamAnon people, as their stories unfolded, were looking for "the method" of stopping their spouse gambling.
And in that quest, they were singularly unsuccessful. Unsurprisingly, as such a quest relies on *you* changing *them* which is an impossibility.
Some, would bale out, as the group could not help them to "force" the gambler to stop, and they'd presumably direct their search for the "magic bullet" solution somewhere else.
Some would stay, and absorb what they found useful.
I first rocked up to a meeting as a newbie in about 2005. Looking for the "magic bullet" solution.
It was obvious at that first meeting that there was no such thing, but, a couple of the veteran members had made an interesting observation or two, which was enough to drag me back the next week.
Over and over and over the two options available were discussed, debated, and turned upside down and examined from every possible angle explored.
Those options being -
#1 - To continue with your choice to stay in that environment, and how you might manage that.
#2 - To choose a different course of action, and how you might manage that.
And, of critical importance, to fully own YOUR choice, and accept the responsibilities and consequences that go with it.
There was very little discussion of the gambler in this group. Very little.
It was all about *you*. What *you* could do, what *you* couldn't do and essentially recognised that what the gambler did was a matter over which you had no control at all.
It was a life saver for me - but again, I am not trying to promote it - I am just noting the similarities between that GamAnon group, and our group.
PS - as an aside, when the subject of sex came up at GamAnon, it was inevitably missing in the relationship too. Hardly anyone was ever surprised by this, like it was an expected outcome.
I understand that. If your spouse has just pissed the mortgage payment money down the throat of a slot machine, you probably are not real likely to want to be in the same house as them, let alone wanting to fuck them.
Ps to the PS
Of this group, there was a hard core of "senior" members who had been in the group for years.
Maria, Phillip, Roberta, Manfred, George, Alby, Lucien and Neil.
Of these 8, 7 were divorced. (Uniformly, it took them many years to make that choice)
Lucien is still with his missus.
I'm still in touch with several of these people, 12 years on
