Fears

yes brother! thank you for those thoughts. I was kind of coming to that conclusion myself and it always helps to hear from someone who has been there.

i think there is a phase where one does nothing. my theory is that it is the time the mind takes to help prepare for change and when it is ready for change it nudges you. i think i am in that phase where i am subconsciously preparing for some big change.

thanks again. much appreciate your thoughts.

You are waking up to the life you want.  It's a process.  I remember feeling paranoid one night as I lay next to my ex - I woke up from a dead sleep and felt this panic wash over me - If I stay, I will never enjoy warm touch again, dance, laugh freely, or be truly understood.  When everyone else is gone, I will be left with this man who doesn't even try to know me at all, this man I don't even share a connection with anymore.  It's scary to make a change, no doubt, but there comes a point it's scarier not to! 

Been there; got out, and that is what saved me.  I found myself feeling angry, bitter and resentful every. single. day.  Then the numbness set in and I don't know if that is better or worse; it is something that helped dull the SM pain, but living numb is no way to live.  I tend to be a lighter, more carefree and happy kind of person, and realizing that I was losing that part of me is what helped push me to leaving.  That and I began to feel I was living a lie.  from the outside our marriage looked perfectly fine, but at home was another story.


I have been out a couple of years, and those feelings still pop up once in a while, ghosts of my past.  I had a great therapist, and she helped through the end of my marriage, my divorce, and afterward.  I feel so much more like myself, but stronger and a better person for having taken care of myself and leaving a situation that was keeping me miserable.  It took me many, many baby steps to leave, but I know I tried everything I could and left with a minimum of guilt (the anger was quite helpful in the divorce process!) The support on EP (the previous home of this group) was a huge part of me feeling I could leave; having a group of people who understand and can both support and provide some tough love to push me along the way was so helpful.  I am thankful I found this group.

I am guessing that is a fear many of us share.
But I also think there comes a point where it stops being a fear.

I may be the only person to feel like this and its something my wife just doesn't seem to be able to get a grip of but, I feel emotionally detached when sex starts drying up. She has previously said that she thinks I'm just a man being a man but it is much much more than that. How do you maintain a desire to be emotionally connected when you long for a physical connection your partner either won't give of reluctantly gives?

I can understand all of these fears.  After 28 years of misery, I was worried about these things myself.

1.  My basic personality is still the same.  The main difference is that I will not be walked on ever again.  If someone is rude or controlling, I call them on it immediately. 

2.  I did stop enjoying things.  But after I moved out, the Batman v. Superman movie was coming out.  I realized that it was the first time in years that I was really looking forward to a movie.  It was very refreshing.  So this will turn around.

3.  Um, no comment, but don't worry about that.  A person who has tried for years to fix a sexless marriage has developed a level of patience and caring that a normal person will find irresistable.