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Post by cc on Feb 18, 2017 18:15:31 GMT -5
Needless to say, we are moving back to our hometown. The place we fell in love, the place we married, etc. I will see that first house, the hospital we birthed our first baby in, all the date night spots, etc.
It has me a bit on edge. We are going back in a failed and struggling marriage. I have kept this place as my happy place in my mind. I visit that place when alone. I think about and live out entire days in my mind. Now, that place is going to be muddied with our current situation. Also, family is jumping on board that we are to have dates and such. They think they can fix us. It's so terrifying to me. I don't want them fixing me and I don't want to pretend and go on these dates. I bluntly told my mother last night that she wasn't hearing me. To please hear me. See me. She apologized and changed the subject.
I value that I can hold my emotional outbursts in with friends and family. I can't with the H, but I do for everyone else. How will I not lose my crap?
Is H going to be all about following their leads and blame me when I don't or can't, because I have for years done this?
What exactly is going to be expected of me?
Going home on the crash and burn portion of our marriage is proving to be more of a pain than my lonely marriage.
I will be instituting the NO ONE ELSE is in this marriage rule as needed.
I am just sitting here looking at homes online and thinking...what in the heck am I walking into....
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Post by baza on Feb 19, 2017 2:50:05 GMT -5
In overall terms, this shifting locality is probably going to change nothing.
If you are in an ILIASM shithole, it doesn't matter a real lot "where" you are located.
Be miserable "there", or be miserable "somewhere else".
I recall my ex missus and I having a look at another house in our street at one point, we were thinking about buying it and renting out our original house (which was a bit of a dump)
I couldn't generate any enthusiasm for the plan at all. I said to her "all we'll be doing is moving our problems from #19 to #136".
We ended up putting an extension on to #19 and remained miserable there.
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 19, 2017 7:28:19 GMT -5
cc take my word for it - you can't go home again. We moved back to our home town a few years ago, thinking we would be happy again there (it was a place of happiness). We found the place had changed so much in bad ways, and stayed the same or was worse in other ways. Myself and another like-minded person who had moved back home to retire tried our best to fix it. We were involved and we worked hard at it. In the end an event happened which gave up our little village to the larger town - all our efforts failed. During this same time period our SM began. I had to become this different person. I had to learn to like this new person and accept the fact that what this person does to stay sane could end in a very messy divorce. I know the risks of outsourcing and will be willing to live with that outcome if I am discovered. With the death of my mother in law we are now mired in taking care of my wife's not so bright half brothers and their poor life choices. The only thing that was a real blessing was the births of my grandchildren who would not be here if we had not moved home. For them I would do it all over again. My wife and I spend so little time alone together that I am not even sure what she wants for the future with "us". I am not even sure there will be a future "us". No, moving home did not achieve the peaceful happiness we had hoped for. The has only caused damage to our marriage. I need time now to rest and heal. There are more changes ahead and I am not getting any younger.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 19, 2017 9:24:43 GMT -5
Needless to say, we are moving back to our hometown. The place we fell in love, the place we married, etc. I will see that first house, the hospital we birthed our first baby in, all the date night spots, etc. It has me a bit on edge. We are going back in a failed and struggling marriage. I have kept this place as my happy place in my mind. I visit that place when alone. I think about and live out entire days in my mind. Now, that place is going to be muddied with our current situation. Also, family is jumping on board that we are to have dates and such. They think they can fix us. It's so terrifying to me. I don't want them fixing me and I don't want to pretend and go on these dates. I bluntly told my mother last night that she wasn't hearing me. To please hear me. See me. She apologized and changed the subject. I value that I can hold my emotional outbursts in with friends and family. I can't with the H, but I do for everyone else. How will I not lose my crap? Is H going to be all about following their leads and blame me when I don't or can't, because I have for years done this? What exactly is going to be expected of me? Going home on the crash and burn portion of our marriage is proving to be more of a pain than my lonely marriage. I will be instituting the NO ONE ELSE is in this marriage rule as needed. I am just sitting here looking at homes online and thinking...what in the heck am I walking into.... Your "hometown" is not just a place on a map, it's also a place in time. You will find it has changed over the intervening years. In some ways, it will have changed for the better, in some ways, for the worse. Your old favorite restaurant might not be there anymore, and the tree under which you had your first kiss may have been bulldozed to make room for a strip center. Other things will not have changed a bit since you left. The memories you have of your "hometown" will always be there, but don't dwell on them. You are a new person just as your hometown is a new place. The scenery may just look familiar. |
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Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 16:07:50 GMT -5
Moving home has the merits of my oldest going to college in town and possibly settling down in said same town. I want to see my grandbabies. I want to be home to help my mom, dad, grandmother. I've lost two grandparents while away. There's also a great hospital that caters to the things my boys deal with. Here each hospitalization has them in a hallway with curtains because the hospital is close to closing monthly. They don't even have a bathroom.
I in no way think going home will restore my marriage. I'm hopeful that it helps some things though. I am eager to have family again.
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Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 16:09:10 GMT -5
Funny, years ago they tore down the exact spot we shared our first kiss. I remember that being so sad to me.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 19, 2017 16:31:47 GMT -5
Understood Family can be interfering in a failing dying Marriage save - If you can manage them to stay out of your Divorce or whatever action - at least you will presumably have a support network of family nearby.
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Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 16:41:00 GMT -5
Hopeful that is the case. They love me and I have no qualms telling them to hush. 😏
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2017 17:08:37 GMT -5
Moving home has the merits of my oldest going to college in town and possibly settling down in said same town. I want to see my grandbabies. I want to be home to help my mom, dad, grandmother. I've lost two grandparents while away. There's also a great hospital that caters to the things my boys deal with. Here each hospitalization has them in a hallway with curtains because the hospital is close to closing monthly. They don't even have a bathroom. I in no way think going home will restore my marriage. I'm hopeful that it helps some things though. I am eager to have family again. I moved back to my home town about 1.5 years ago. It really helped because I had support from family. They knew how difficult my refuser is. |
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2017 17:17:10 GMT -5
FWIW, I moved back to a little country town I had lived in when I was a kid in late 2009.
And I haven't any regrets about that at all.
The big difference was that I did NOT bring my ILIASM shithole with me.
I left that behind when I moved.
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Post by LITW on Feb 21, 2017 17:20:06 GMT -5
Good luck to you CC, and I am really glad you are going to have a support network.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 21, 2017 17:32:16 GMT -5
Your story makes me sad because it sounds like you were very much in love in the beginning. I think a SM with that history must be so much harder and my heart goes out to you. I had doubts the day I got married to my ex. My husband had doubts the day he married his ex. We don't regret anything because we ended up together finally experiencing that real love. I cherish every spot we have been so far as we create our love story. If that stopped? Words can't express.... I'm sorry for all you are facing now. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. I wish you the best.
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Post by leifericson on Feb 21, 2017 19:37:42 GMT -5
I think if I ever moved back to my home town that I would not be happy. I went back 8 years ago and took a walking tour. The house I grew up in was run down, the neighbor house who's owner took such loving care of their lawn was basically dirt, the house in need of a paint job. My elementary school was changed, my Jr HS a community center. the places that did not change were different.
You can go back but it will be like moving to a new town. Concentrate on the grand kids and that should be enough to make you glad.
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