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Post by rejected101 on Feb 18, 2017 6:25:37 GMT -5
Well last night was a first. I rejected an advance from my wife for the first time in our entire relationship. Amazingly she felt she had the right to be pissed off. We've gone 7 weeks without sex and I just couldn't be bothered with last nights effort. She's currently in the gym now which was always her plan but before leaving she tells me how she is going to get in amazing shape for me this year. Immediately, after one rejection she has shown signs of feeling pissed off and physically inadequate.
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 18, 2017 8:35:59 GMT -5
If she is getting in amazing shape for you this year than that does not mean shit. If she is getting in amazing shape for herself then that is significant. If she cannot love herself then she cannot love you.
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Rejected
Feb 18, 2017 8:54:11 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 18, 2017 8:54:11 GMT -5
Well last night was a first. I rejected an advance from my wife for the first time in our entire relationship. Amazingly she felt she had the right to be pissed off. We've gone 7 weeks without sex and I just couldn't be bothered with last nights effort. She's currently in the gym now which was always her plan but before leaving she tells me how she is going to get in amazing shape for me this year. Immediately, after one rejection she has shown signs of feeling pissed off and physically inadequate. Sounds like she didn't have full control,and in her opinion, that ain't good! Not even pissed off but "The right" to be pissed off! Amazing shape for you? Don't hold your breath. History has a funny way of repeating itself. Another DARVO, the issue is her controlling behavior, and fear of intimacy and sex, so instead she deliberately avoids it ,and makes the story about her going to the gym. |
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:24:41 GMT -5
good for you for being strong. It might make her think differently.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 18, 2017 9:43:18 GMT -5
Ironically I actually feel bad for rejecting her now. WTF!!!!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 18, 2017 9:48:25 GMT -5
Ironically I actually feel bad for rejecting her now. WTF!!!! What you are doing is standing up for yourself and no longer being abused and manipulated. You'll feel better about it with time. Give yourself to someone who is going to give back in return. |
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Rejected
Feb 18, 2017 9:59:49 GMT -5
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:59:49 GMT -5
Ironically I actually feel bad for rejecting her now. WTF!!!! That is only natural, but that's what feeds the dysfunction is the guilt. Besides which, you are entitled to refuse too! |
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 18, 2017 10:07:54 GMT -5
Ironically I actually feel bad for rejecting her now. WTF!!!! During my S/M I only said no to my X once. Every 3 months or so she would just announce she was "in the mood" and that I would "get lucky" tonight. One evening I was watching TV when she walked in, grabbed the remote, turned off the TV and announced she was "in the mood". She turned and headed for the bedroom. I turned the TV back on and finished watching the program. I then headed for the bedroom. She had already moved to the guest bedroom where she normally slept. A couple days later out of the blue she said "I guess you feel better for having gotten even with me for the times I have said no". I replied "no, it wasn't about getting even. It was about respect". She had nothing more to say. Hopefully that's what your refusal was really about. Taking back some respect for yourself and communicating that to her. A woman will not have sex with a man she does not respect. Don't let this be a one time shot across the bow when it comes to insisting on the respect she should be showing to you. And for sure don't feel bad about it. Having to swallow a little of her own medicine will do her good. |
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Rejected
Feb 18, 2017 10:17:23 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 18, 2017 10:17:23 GMT -5
Ironically I actually feel bad for rejecting her now. WTF!!!! I always do too. As much as it is a good thing that you made the decision that you actually didn't want to today and stuck to it (even though you obviously need it) it still always hurts to say no when you crave a yes for so long. |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 18, 2017 10:23:35 GMT -5
Ironically I actually feel bad for rejecting her now. WTF!!!! During my S/M I only said no to my X once. Every 3 months or so she would just announce she was "in the mood" and that I would "get lucky" tonight. One evening I was watching TV when she walked in, grabbed the remote, turned off the TV and announced she was "in the mood". She turned and headed for the bedroom. I turned the TV back on and finished watching the program. I then headed for the bedroom. She had already moved to the guest bedroom where she normally slept. A couple days later out of the blue she said "I guess you feel better for having gotten even with me for the times I have said no". I replied "no, it wasn't about getting even. It was about respect". She had nothing more to say. Hopefully that's what your refusal was really about. Taking back some respect for yourself and communicating that to her. A woman will not have sex with a man she does not respect. Don't let this be a one time shot across the bow when it comes to insisting on the respect she should be showing to you. And for sure don't feel bad about it. Having to swallow a little of her own medicine will do her good. I don't know 100% why I refused. I suppose it was a little motivated by balancing the issue but I just felt like I have been patiently waiting for weeks and would have loved for some effort to have been made weeks ago. Instead there is a wait until I fancy a shag type of mentality which I don't believe is the way a marital sex life should work. |
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Post by cc on Feb 18, 2017 15:41:42 GMT -5
It's a darn mind game. I think maybe they do like being chased. When we stop that freaks them out. We aren't playing our part on this vicious cycle in our marriages. To tell them no is wrong because isn't this what we nag about nonstop? They see it as they did something. They don't realize we don't want this one time get out of jail free card. My husband has thrown that in my face...I tried on such and such date and time. Yes, he knows the dang time. I swear my husband sounds like your wives. It's unreal.
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Post by leifericson on Feb 19, 2017 20:06:26 GMT -5
What was your motivation to reject your wife's advances? Yeah, it might be strange after 7 weeks but it sounds like a starting point. Were you rejecting her out of principal because she rejected you? It does sound dysfunctional. Your upset you are in a sexless marriage but you refuse sex? My wife has been rejecting me for 10 years and if she made an advance I would hope it was an opening to more intimacy. I am searching for intimacy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 19, 2017 20:21:03 GMT -5
It's a darn mind game. I think maybe they do like being chased. When we stop that freaks them out. We aren't playing our part on this vicious cycle in our marriages. To tell them no is wrong because isn't this what we nag about nonstop? They see it as they did something. They don't realize we don't want this one time get out of jail free card. My husband has thrown that in my face...I tried on such and such date and time. Yes, he knows the dang time. I swear my husband sounds like your wives. It's unreal. The only thing your husband did was try to shut you up, and revert things back to suit his needs. More DARVO. When you got married you both said "I do" the reality is You said " I do" he said, "I don't". shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/ |
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Post by baza on Feb 19, 2017 20:34:26 GMT -5
Counter refusing has one main thing going for it.
It is a step in the process of you reclaiming your sexual autonomy.
It puts you squarely in ownership.
It is you CHOOSING that if there is to be no sex in your deal that it is going to be *your* choice - not something that is foisted upon you by a refusive spouse.
That, can be very empowering.
Don't expect it to "wake your spouse up", nor expect it to do anything about "fixing" your ILIASM shithole.
It is *a* step, in a series of steps to start reclaiming yourself.
Nothing more - and certainly nothing less - than that.
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