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Post by Copernicus on Feb 16, 2017 22:59:59 GMT -5
Just finished our first marriage counseling session. 90min of W telling the counselor everything's my fault and then she's nice as pie on the drive home! WTF? The counselor thinks we are going to need at least 10 sessions (ker-ching!!) - wouldn't disagree because we are completely messed up. On the other hand, it might help both of us to admit we're on the road to nowhere. the next 3mo are going to be one wild ride (but not in the way we all would like a 'wild ride'). So tired of the whole thing.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 17, 2017 0:11:06 GMT -5
Good luck. Yes, I can relate according to my W - all the problems in our marriage are 100% my fault.
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Post by warmways on Feb 17, 2017 0:43:20 GMT -5
I hope she's able to look at how she plays a part in your dynamic and be curious about how things could get better. If the therapist is good, she'll see through all of her blaming you of course. I had bad luck with couples therapy. We saw four therapists (!)- and all of those times were "roads to nowhere".It would work if both couples were authentic and really wanted to see their blind spots but he was unable to.
Nothing changed.. we went to a workshop led by David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage), he refused to do the homework .. I kept thinking it would get better. (I was naive, hopeless romantic, overly devoted,etc).
I hope the therapy helps you guys in the long run and you come away learning more about each other. I did learn more about him. We'd communicate better for a week and then go downhill. We are an extreme case though!!! Yours will go better and at the least you'll learn stuff. Good luck.
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Post by baza on Feb 17, 2017 1:44:58 GMT -5
If one of the spouses is not invested in bringing the situation to resolution, then joint therapy is practically useless.
And it does NOT look like your missus is invested in resolving this, but would sooner apportion blame, and be "right".
Individual counselling - for you - is far more likely to yield dividends.
In particular, establishing why you have thus far chosen to remain in such a sub-optimal relationship.
If you can dig down to the core truth of that question, the whole way forward may look a whole lot clearer.
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 17, 2017 5:08:55 GMT -5
Hi Copernicus,
I really hope this works for you. If the counsellor is astute he/she will see through you wife's behaviour (but I wouldn't rely on it).
You have a realistic approach - ride the bumpy bits and, if it doesn't work for you as a couple, make it work for YOU.
I completely agree with Baza; in particular, after failed joint counselling, 4 sessions of individual counselling helped me to see what was going on and focus on my options (stay, try to fix or leave).
Your last sentence speaks volumes; good luck, I'm sure we'll all be thinking of you.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 17, 2017 5:39:40 GMT -5
Take it all on board. There may be areas of the marriage that you could have done more to improve but carry on letting her blame you for absolutely everything. Sometimes people will realise how much of a dick they're actually being when coincidentally everything is everyone else's fault and if the worst case scenario happens and she blames you for everything and remains completely immune from realising she contributed, you know where you stand more clearly. Leaving will be easier if that happens.
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 17, 2017 6:12:37 GMT -5
If one of the spouses is not invested in bringing the situation to resolution, then joint therapy is practically useless. And it does NOT look like your missus is invested in resolving this, but would sooner apportion blame, and be "right". Individual counselling - for you - is far more likely to yield dividends. In particular, establishing why you have thus far chosen to remain in such a sub-optimal relationship. If you can dig down to the core truth of that question, the whole way forward may look a whole lot clearer. I have to agree with baza, maybe use the counselling to get to the "why". Not "why" doesn't she love me the way I need, but, "why" am I staying for the abuse? That will be a more meaningful answer. |
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Post by Copernicus on Feb 17, 2017 17:27:00 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. We've both been having individual counseling sessions and I'm the one who pushed for the joint ones - one way or another, I want us both to be in the place of recognizing what we need to do, be it together or separate ways. Although I want this resolved, I'm not looking for anything immediate as my son still has the remainder of junior and senior years in high school. I'm hoping we can use that time to be amicable and figure out what is best for everyone in this family.
Thanks again guys!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2017 18:00:41 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. We've both been having individual counseling sessions and I'm the one who pushed for the joint ones - one way or another, I want us both to be in the place of recognizing what we need to do, be it together or separate ways. Although I want this resolved, I'm not looking for anything immediate as my son still has the remainder of junior and senior years in high school. I'm hoping we can use that time to be amicable and figure out what is best for everyone in this family. Thanks again guys! As the father of 6 teens, I would like to share my conclusions of getting divorced now, while my kids are still teens. Just a summary. 1) Teens know, and see way more than you realize. 2) More than 50% of their classmates come from, and live in divorced families, It's the norm. 3) Divorce can take a year to three years. 4) By staying together you are setting a terrible example of what a loving relationship should be. 5) You could be using these last few formidable years to build a better relationship for everyone involved by divorcing. 6) Will it hurt you or help you financially? Check with an attorney. 7) You can rebuild yourself as a much happier, independent person, with a fresh new start, someone you would want to share with your teens. It took years to get this far, and I hope to continue with this approach, for the benefit of the whole family. (with the blessing of my councilor too!) |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 17, 2017 19:16:58 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. We've both been having individual counseling sessions and I'm the one who pushed for the joint ones - one way or another, I want us both to be in the place of recognizing what we need to do, be it together or separate ways. Although I want this resolved, I'm not looking for anything immediate as my son still has the remainder of junior and senior years in high school. I'm hoping we can use that time to be amicable and figure out what is best for everyone in this family. Thanks again guys! As the father of 6 teens, I would like to share my conclusions of getting divorced now, while my kids are still teens. Just a summary. 1) Teens know, and see way more than you realize. 2) More than 50% of their classmates come from, and live in divorced families, It's the norm. 3) Divorce can take a year to three years. 4) By staying together you are setting a terrible example of what a loving relationship should be. 5) You could be using these last few formidable years to build a better relationship for everyone involved by divorcing. 6) Will it hurt you or help you financially? Check with an attorney. 7) You can rebuild yourself as a much happier, independent person, with a fresh new start, someone you would want to share with your teens. It took years to get this far, and I hope to continue with this approach, for the benefit of the whole family. (with the blessing of my councilor too!) THANK-YOU !!! Sorry just to be clear you went thru a divorce with 1,2,3,4,5,6 Teenagers - you have six teenagers? Man Full respect. All the other points 1 thru 7 Very very helpful. I really needed to read those and ask those questions to myself. Beautiful sublime. Thx! |
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 22:53:58 GMT -5
That has to hurt. My fear of counsel is that the work that will be prescribed is what is always suggested to me. I hope these three months aren't as bad as you think they will be, I truly do. I hope your spouse is called out, too, not just you.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 19, 2017 11:38:41 GMT -5
brutal honesty is required. It's easy to focus on the 'other person' and what they 'do to you'. Ultimately, it's not about blame or looking backwards, but much more about strategies for moving forward...
It's extremely insightful to get a firm understanding on what your own drivers are - and if they are helping or hurting the relationship.
Agree w Baz, solo therapy can help you see clearly about yourself.
Good luck!
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