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Post by warmways on Feb 16, 2017 12:03:06 GMT -5
Only I can make it stop.
I'm frustrated it's taking me so long to shore up my exit plan. I'm learning it's okay to leave and cause my husband to feel sad. I've been forever about protecting his feelings and feeling his feelings so he doesn't have to. The enabling has to end.
It's time to stop putting him first. Yes, it will be painful for him, for us, but life is painful. It's time to get healthier and look at myself first and stop wasting valuable mental energy on a problem that can't be solved by staying.
I can no longer make myself believe it's okay to live in an unfulfilling marriage. It's empty, sad, sexless and emotionless and I'll keep going around, year after year unless I focus on me and believe I can take the steps to walk away. It may take me a while, but if it's the right thing to do, I'll create what I need to do to leave.
This is what's on my mind.. I just needed a place to put these thoughts down. Thanks for being there to read this and good luck to all of you whatever stage you're at. 💕💕💕💕🌟🌟🌟courage!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2017 12:18:44 GMT -5
I understand completely. Sometimes, you just have to realize that a person is NOT going to change. He/she honestly does not care about the results of his/her actions.
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 16, 2017 15:06:11 GMT -5
Hi Warmways,
Yes, only you can put a stop to this situation.
Yes, it will hurt your husband; perhaps more than you think OR perhaps less than you think.
I'm sure many of us here will be able to empathise with your plight. It's good that you think of other's but as you hint, it's taking a serious toll on you. I stayed for years because I didn't want to upset people and when the realisation dawned that I had given up the best years of my life, it had a devastating effect on me.
You're right it is a sad and lonely existence. I remember, as a young person, listening to a play and hearing the line "You are never so lonely as when you are married" and thinking that it made no sense to me at all.
It does now... and from what you say it does to you too.
Only you can formulate that plan that will work for you. I know it seems impossible but you will find the courage, you really will; you will make a plan and you will open your mouth and the words that you have chosen will spill out and you will move on from there "You gotta keep making decisions"... for good or ill because the status quo is not working for you.
Best wishes
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 16, 2017 15:23:08 GMT -5
Yes Warmways - take ACTION - Weigh / Decide / Act.
Also, I recall now my last Divorce - why was it so painful for me? It was so painful for me because of the pain it caused my ex-wife and my daughter and my parent-in-laws. Divorce really hurts because no matter what Pain will be the result.
So why do it? Because it is a "one off" pain injection and "cheaper" in the long run. A big dose of Pain to get out of the Marriage now rather than a much more collossal dose of pain for staying in the marriage that will cost you time - years and years of it.
So ACTION TIME - get your exit plan together and preparation and then ACT.
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Post by warmways on Feb 16, 2017 23:48:14 GMT -5
McRoomMateThanks for all of your words. I feel like I'm losing myself, feeling less and less joy. I have to save myself - tomorrow Im off work so I'm heading to the library with all my paperwork, financial stuff and just to get focused so I can begin my plan.
My mom always says that life is pain (and of course so much happiness too), but when I look at it like, yeah, suffering is a given, it makes me braver. It's part of life and you can't avoid it. My husband spends all of his life trying to avoid life. Trying not to feel his feelings. It's sad he's so afraid but I can't save him. I tried and became an enabler. He only wants to cocoon with music cranked, pot, video games, work and that is it.
By staying i I lost so much confidence but I owe it to myself to - as you've said, ACT. It's great to know you get it as this stuff definitely messes with your head.
dinnaken - this is is so helpful and it's awesome to be understood. Thank you.
flashjohn: exactly. That's the truth. It feels so good to be understood!! Thanks.
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dave
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Post by dave on Feb 17, 2017 2:08:47 GMT -5
warmways, your words "only you can make it stop" are something a few of us here should say to ourselves daily. well myself for sure. i'm only one step ahead of you right now as in i did end it finally. put it to sleep as it where, before it did me in! no more of "oh i'll try harder, no more false hopes, no more reset sex, no more being rejected and disappointed. no more!" yes, i'm pretty sure it will hurt the other, but it's hurting us more. i truely feel it will kill me to stay any longer and keep trying to make it work. i think the decision to get out of this was always in my mind allthough way at the back, but once i did tell her i cant do this anymore, i felt so good! the only hesitation i have now is the stuff. house, car, just all the stuff. the very little we do have together will be very hard for me to replace. she is entitled to 50& {even though i don't believe she has earned any of it} i'm more concerned about how and where i will live once we are completely over. good luck to you warmdays, you will get through this! good luck to all of us.
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:48:41 GMT -5
I hear you. I absolutely do.
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Post by ggold on Feb 17, 2017 22:37:10 GMT -5
Only I can make it stop. I'm frustrated it's taking me so long to shore up my exit plan. I'm learning it's okay to leave and cause my husband to feel sad. I've been forever about protecting his feelings and feeling his feelings so he doesn't have to. The enabling has to end. It's time to stop putting him first. Yes, it will be painful for him, for us, but life is painful. It's time to get healthier and look at myself first and stop wasting valuable mental energy on a problem that can't be solved by staying. I can no longer make myself believe it's okay to live in an unfulfilling marriage. It's empty, sad, sexless and emotionless and I'll keep going around, year after year unless I focus on me and believe I can take the steps to walk away. It may take me a while, but if it's the right thing to do, I'll create what I need to do to leave. This is what's on my mind.. I just needed a place to put these thoughts down. Thanks for being there to read this and good luck to all of you whatever stage you're at. 💕💕💕💕🌟🌟🌟courage!!! You are correct, only YOU can make it stop. It was the same with me. I totally get it about protecting your h's feelings. Same here. My therapist said that he's going to be sad and hurt, there is no way around that. He will have to deal with his own feelings as I deal with mine. The cycle of misery will continue if we don't put an end to it. God I look back at the excuses I gave myself for remaining in an unfulfilling marriage and cringe!! It's not okay. It took me forever to come to that realization. Take this at your own pace. There is no timeline, no race to the finish. You can and will do whatever it is you need to in order to exit. As hard as it is, you will begin to feel the weight slowly being lifted and true hope entering in!! I'm here for you girl!! xoxoxo |
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:58:17 GMT -5
Omg, I totally relate to your post. I am only here still as I feel too guilty to hurt him. He was upset at the thought of us separating, and that was not ok f or him. But what about me ? I keep thinking. So he must not be upset, but it's ok for me to have to live in this life that is unhealthy for me, making me more and more exhausted.
It sounds like you married a child too......it is soul destroying to have to live for them too - you deserve better. Good luck with the new chapter in your life....
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Post by ggold on Feb 18, 2017 10:15:52 GMT -5
Omg, I totally relate to your post. I am only here still as I feel too guilty to hurt him. He was upset at the thought of us separating, and that was not ok f or him. But what about me ? I keep thinking. So he must not be upset, but it's ok for me to have to live in this life that is unhealthy for me, making me more and more exhausted. It sounds like you married a child too......it is soul destroying to have to live for them too - you deserve better. Good luck with the new chapter in your life.... I think many of us here are very compassionate and empathetic people. These are beautiful qualities to have. There are moments I look at him and feel sad that I am hurting him by initiating the divorce. Therapy has helped me to work through these feelings. I'm hurting too. I've been hurting for years due to his refusal and neglect of my needs. You deserve better as well. It is not okay to live the way you are. As you stated, it is soul destroying in all ways. He will have to work through his feelings and it will be difficult for you to witness. You have to take care of yourself. xo and (hugs) |
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Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 18, 2017 10:49:10 GMT -5
this all just shows that you are human, compassionate and genuinely caring about someone you've spent a lot of time with (and I'm sure lots of good memories, too).
This is the crux of what we struggle with - it's not easy or uncomplicated - especially if the spouse has many decent qualities (other than their mismatched libidos).
this is why I appreciate this forum so much - there is genuine compassion from so many here - and a healthy dose of 'rational reality' all along.
none of us want to hurt anyone (I hope), but we all seem to want to stop our own pain and frustration.
This is NOT selfish thinking!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2017 11:11:47 GMT -5
Only I can make it stop. I'm frustrated it's taking me so long to shore up my exit plan. I'm learning it's okay to leave and cause my husband to feel sad. I've been forever about protecting his feelings and feeling his feelings so he doesn't have to. The enabling has to end. It's time to stop putting him first. Yes, it will be painful for him, for us, but life is painful. It's time to get healthier and look at myself first and stop wasting valuable mental energy on a problem that can't be solved by staying. I can no longer make myself believe it's okay to live in an unfulfilling marriage. It's empty, sad, sexless and emotionless and I'll keep going around, year after year unless I focus on me and believe I can take the steps to walk away. It may take me a while, but if it's the right thing to do, I'll create what I need to do to leave. This is what's on my mind.. I just needed a place to put these thoughts down. Thanks for being there to read this and good luck to all of you whatever stage you're at. 💕💕💕💕🌟🌟🌟courage!!! I can totally relate - to all of this. I'm more than halfway through a multi-year exit plan (long story, no other way out) and I still have days where I think I have to stay because leaving will hurt my husband. I hate to think of him sitting on the couch watching TV alone at night with no one in the house. I know he enjoys the idea of having a family, wife and kids. It's the day-to-day relationship that he's not interested in. (Wait, I'm supposed to talk to her? Have sex with her? Care about what interests her?) Then, I remember that he already sits alone on the couch watching TV every night. Sure, the kids and I are in the house. But he barely speaks to me. He never invites me to sit with him or asks what I want to watch. He wants me around as an accessory. A nice vase sitting on the shelf. I'm tired of being a vase. Another thing I'd point out is that by enabling this behavior (spousal neglect, and in my case, excessive drinking and occasional temper tantrums), it will never end. So long as I am here? The dynamic stays. Then I remember that by staying, I'm impeding my husband's growth (if he's going to grow). It's also possible that he'll be happier when I'm gone. I have to acknowledge that too. It could be that life with me is truly unpleasant to him. That he's not made to have a relationship with me. Maybe he needs or wants a different kind of relationship or no relationship at all. Maybe I just don't do it for him. So, I remember that I might be setting him free too. I agree with ggold , many of us here are empaths. We care a lot. Sometimes too much. Our spouses are responsible for their own actions. If my husband wanted to avoid future hurt? He could have made the changes I've been mentioning for years. He didn't, so I'm left with one conclusion - he doesn't want the same thing I want. And that's actually OK. Better than OK. Now, we move on with love. That's what the next several months entail for us - burying the hatchet, being/becoming friends, understanding that we just aren't a match, and being respectful co-parents to our kids. I honestly picture us going to ballgames together once we're divorced. I truly think it can happen. He's not a bad man. He's just not the man that I need or want. And he would probably say the same of me. (I'm not the woman he needs or wants.) |
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Post by warmways on Feb 19, 2017 0:03:42 GMT -5
Wow, Elle. This says it all. It's so great to be understood. My therapist is always saying he doesn't want to live life, he doesn't want to feel his feelings, he's very selfish, he doesn't know how to be in a relationship, what we have is not a marriage.
Previous therapist said: your marriage is in he toilet. Etc. I have been going around and around for so long but it's weird I'm starting to see how I have to save myself. I don't feel as mixed up. As Baza says a SM really messes with your mind and gets you thinking crazy -- we all have to keep our chins up. I think the SM got me so depressed that hast also clouded my feelings!!
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Post by warmways on Feb 19, 2017 0:06:28 GMT -5
this all just shows that you are human, compassionate and genuinely caring about someone you've spent a lot of time with (and I'm sure lots of good memories, too). This is the crux of what we struggle with - it's not easy or uncomplicated - especially if the spouse has many decent qualities (other than their mismatched libidos). this is why I appreciate this forum so much - there is genuine compassion from so many here - and a healthy dose of 'rational reality' all along. none of us want to hurt anyone (I hope), but we all seem to want to stop our own pain and frustration. This is NOT selfish thinking!! Thank you very much for this---I appreciate the way you get this. I'm going to be re-reading all Hesse replies when I feel weak and lost. (-: this forum is awesome. |
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Post by warmways on Feb 19, 2017 0:08:17 GMT -5
Omg, I totally relate to your post. I am only here still as I feel too guilty to hurt him. He was upset at the thought of us separating, and that was not ok f or him. But what about me ? I keep thinking. So he must not be upset, but it's ok for me to have to live in this life that is unhealthy for me, making me more and more exhausted. It sounds like you married a child too......it is soul destroying to have to live for them too - you deserve better. Good luck with the new chapter in your life.... I think many of us here are very compassionate and empathetic people. These are beautiful qualities to have. There are moments I look at him and feel sad that I am hurting him by initiating the divorce. Therapy has helped me to work through these feelings. I'm hurting too. I've been hurting for years due to his refusal and neglect of my needs. You deserve better as well. It is not okay to live the way you are. As you stated, it is soul destroying in all ways. He will have to work through his feelings and it will be difficult for you to witness. You have to take care of yourself. xo and (hugs) Exactly!!! Thanks so much ggold- this helps so much in getting clarity. (Hugs) |
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