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Post by warmways on Feb 19, 2017 0:13:51 GMT -5
Omg, I totally relate to your post. I am only here still as I feel too guilty to hurt him. He was upset at the thought of us separating, and that was not ok f or him. But what about me ? I keep thinking. So he must not be upset, but it's ok for me to have to live in this life that is unhealthy for me, making me more and more exhausted. It sounds like you married a child too......it is soul destroying to have to live for them too - you deserve better. Good luck with the new chapter in your life.... We both married children. He threw a tantrum tonight saying I provoked the dog to knock over his lemonade and snacks and that I should clean it up. In past I would have. He complained incessantly but I'm no longer spoiling him like his mom did. Ha! actually I'm no longer enabling like I did to keep the peace and because I don't like confrontation. Now I'm shifting slightly and by doing that my thoughts are getting clearer. Yay! Here's to all of getting stronger. Thanks, richfairy72 |
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Post by warmways on Feb 19, 2017 0:21:43 GMT -5
warmways, your words "only you can make it stop" are something a few of us here should say to ourselves daily. well myself for sure. i'm only one step ahead of you right now as in i did end it finally. put it to sleep as it where, before it did me in! no more of "oh i'll try harder, no more false hopes, no more reset sex, no more being rejected and disappointed. no more!" yes, i'm pretty sure it will hurt the other, but it's hurting us more. i truely feel it will kill me to stay any longer and keep trying to make it work. i think the decision to get out of this was always in my mind allthough way at the back, but once i did tell her i cant do this anymore, i felt so good! the only hesitation i have now is the stuff. house, car, just all the stuff. the very little we do have together will be very hard for me to replace. she is entitled to 50& {even though i don't believe she has earned any of it} i'm more concerned about how and where i will live once we are completely over. good luck to you warmdays, you will get through this! good luck to all of us. I know, Dave. Those are concerns I think about too. when I'm worrying about my future alone but I think you're right: it will work for us. I realize we'll also be so much happier and that will make the more uncomfortable aspects such as where you'll live etc easier. I think of all the people in the world who made it work. My friend is now going through a messy divorce and somehow she's still standing after going bankrupt.. she. Feels sure she did the right thing. Thanks.. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2017 4:39:38 GMT -5
This thread is both sobering as also inspiring because of how supportive this forum is. Thank you !!
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 19, 2017 9:18:55 GMT -5
warmways, your words "only you can make it stop" are something a few of us here should say to ourselves daily. well myself for sure. i'm only one step ahead of you right now as in i did end it finally. put it to sleep as it where, before it did me in! no more of "oh i'll try harder, no more false hopes, no more reset sex, no more being rejected and disappointed. no more!" yes, i'm pretty sure it will hurt the other, but it's hurting us more. i truely feel it will kill me to stay any longer and keep trying to make it work. i think the decision to get out of this was always in my mind allthough way at the back, but once i did tell her i cant do this anymore, i felt so good! the only hesitation i have now is the stuff. house, car, just all the stuff. the very little we do have together will be very hard for me to replace. she is entitled to 50& {even though i don't believe she has earned any of it} i'm more concerned about how and where i will live once we are completely over. good luck to you warmdays, you will get through this! good luck to all of us. Inspiring post Dave. If it makes you feel better, when the D finally comes my W will get all the houses, the Business, custody, and I will walk out with visitation rights / a motorcycle and some boxes. Freedom is never free. I am giving up the cash and prizes etc. Just like the Beatles - Money can't buy me Love so freaking true. Courage All! |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 19, 2017 9:39:01 GMT -5
Only I can make it stop. I'm frustrated it's taking me so long to shore up my exit plan. I'm learning it's okay to leave and cause my husband to feel sad. I've been forever about protecting his feelings and feeling his feelings so he doesn't have to. The enabling has to end. It's time to stop putting him first. Yes, it will be painful for him, for us, but life is painful. It's time to get healthier and look at myself first and stop wasting valuable mental energy on a problem that can't be solved by staying. I can no longer make myself believe it's okay to live in an unfulfilling marriage. It's empty, sad, sexless and emotionless and I'll keep going around, year after year unless I focus on me and believe I can take the steps to walk away. It may take me a while, but if it's the right thing to do, I'll create what I need to do to leave. This is what's on my mind.. I just needed a place to put these thoughts down. Thanks for being there to read this and good luck to all of you whatever stage you're at. 💕💕💕💕🌟🌟🌟courage!!! When I find myself frustrated as you are, I rely on action. It doesn't matter how small, but action brings habits. Habits bring progress. For example, what did you do today on your exit plan? Did you do a future budget? Did you look up a new job? Did you make a plan about what you will do AFTER you exit? With exit plans, there are a ton of details. Eventually you will run out of details to work on until it is time to pull the trigger. But you will NEVER run out of ideas of what you can do with the rest of your life after you are gone. Sometimes, I think this is the most critical part. These are your dreams. They are what you are fighting for. Otherwise, you are simply reacting to a horrible situation and creating a void. And you will be filling that void with whatever negative thoughts you are carrying around with you. Instead, pick 5 things you dream to do in the next 6 months. Pick another 5 you dream to do in the next year. Every single day, you need to do something towards one of those goals. It is what is going to get you out of bed in the morning and put a smile on your face. And when the nightmare is over, you may find yourself awakening to a fully planned and implemented dream life. |
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Post by warmways on Feb 19, 2017 10:38:01 GMT -5
I worked yesterday but Friday gathered all the documents I need for my attorney. I didn't do a future budget yet. I am saving my money and being careful not to overspend. I already have a job but I'm constantly looking for other opportunities and I'm in school. I still have dreams and keep myself somewhat happy.
I still find stuff to make me smile. This post is inspiring and reminds me to keep moving and focus on the future.
Thank you!!!!
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dave
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Post by dave on Feb 19, 2017 10:50:39 GMT -5
thing is McRoomMate, it feels like another "got ripped off again" from her. i think that maybe a chemical thing takes place pre, during, post leaving. by that i mean things are bad - what to do? and all the fear of EVERTHING. then the deciding to end it\ seem to feel more power or maybe some confidence??? now theres things now, like i dont want her to even touch me, i question things she will say that indicate a future together, standing up for myself when i wouldn't have before. many many things that changed and i dont know why.
i dont hate her.not at all. i told her i'm very dissapointed with me, with her, with life's hand in it,i feel bad of coarse as warmways started out with but for gods sake, i'm here too! but the change in me is what blows me away the most. from trying again at "strike 9 and no outs to i'm out of this and will never, ever fall for that shit again, really surprises me. i only wish i did it years ago now that life feels like it gone by and everything is too late to start again with someone else.
warmways, life will go on and for the better. you not only can stop it, you can start it at any point along the journey. feelings - emotions really suck sometimes don't they?
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 19, 2017 11:56:20 GMT -5
thing is McRoomMate, it feels like another "got ripped off again" from her. i think that maybe a chemical thing takes place pre, during, post leaving. by that i mean things are bad - what to do? and all the fear of EVERTHING. then the deciding to end it\ seem to feel more power or maybe some confidence??? now theres things now, like i dont want her to even touch me, i question things she will say that indicate a future together, standing up for myself when i wouldn't have before. many many things that changed and i dont know why. i dont hate her.not at all. i told her i'm very dissapointed with me, with her, with life's hand in it,i feel bad of coarse as warmways started out with but for gods sake, i'm here too! but the change in me is what blows me away the most. from trying again at "strike 9 and no outs to i'm out of this and will never, ever fall for that shit again, really surprises me. i only wish i did it years ago now that life feels like it gone by and everything is too late to start again with someone else. warmways, life will go on and for the better. you not only can stop it, you can start it at any point along the journey. feelings - emotions really suck sometimes don't they? Right On !!! Man that is pretty much word for word what is going on around me and in my head and heart. Dave you are definitely NOT alone. This THREAD is brutal pure honesty such a high grade it is dangerous. What was that line "Truth will set you free" - I believe it now. Everybody on this thread. BIG THANK-YOU to all. Yes FEAR of the UNKNOWN - second guessing myself - doubt / Emotional roller coaster / the pain which my decisions will cause vs. the Pain of staying etc. etc. etc. This is the real freaking deal. COURAGE and BLESSINGS to ALL ! ! ! |
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 19, 2017 13:43:59 GMT -5
thing is McRoomMate, it feels like another "got ripped off again" from her. i think that maybe a chemical thing takes place pre, during, post leaving. by that i mean things are bad - what to do? and all the fear of EVERTHING. then the deciding to end it\ seem to feel more power or maybe some confidence??? now theres things now, like i dont want her to even touch me, i question things she will say that indicate a future together, standing up for myself when i wouldn't have before. many many things that changed and i dont know why. i dont hate her.not at all. i told her i'm very dissapointed with me, with her, with life's hand in it,i feel bad of coarse as warmways started out with but for gods sake, i'm here too! but the change in me is what blows me away the most. from trying again at "strike 9 and no outs to i'm out of this and will never, ever fall for that shit again, really surprises me. i only wish i did it years ago now that life feels like it gone by and everything is too late to start again with someone else. warmways, life will go on and for the better. you not only can stop it, you can start it at any point along the journey. feelings - emotions really suck sometimes don't they? Right On !!! Man that is pretty much word for word what is going on around me and in my head and heart. Dave you are definitely NOT alone. This THREAD is brutal pure honesty such a high grade it is dangerous. What was that line "Truth will set you free" - I believe it now. Everybody on this thread. BIG THANK-YOU to all. Yes FEAR of the UNKNOWN - second guessing myself - doubt / Emotional roller coaster / the pain which my decisions will cause vs. the Pain of staying etc. etc. etc. This is the real freaking deal. COURAGE and BLESSINGS to ALL ! ! ! Yes, I have the same rollercoaster going on, and doubts and guilt. It shows you are a normal caring person. Just know you are not alone. And I have tried to find things to take my mind off it all for some mental relief - easier said than done!! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 19, 2017 15:13:36 GMT -5
It's also possible that he'll be happier when I'm gone. I have to acknowledge that too. Now, we move on with love. That's what the next several months entail for us - burying the hatchet, being/becoming friends, understanding that we just aren't a match, and being respectful co-parents to our kids. He's not a bad man. He's just not the man that I need or want. Beautiful way to put it. May I keep this phrase in my pocket for future reference? |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 19, 2017 15:23:55 GMT -5
Only I can make it stop. I'm frustrated it's taking me so long to shore up my exit plan. I'm learning it's okay to leave and cause my husband to feel sad. I've been forever about protecting his feelings and feeling his feelings so he doesn't have to. The enabling has to end. It's time to stop putting him first. Yes, it will be painful for him, for us, but life is painful. It's time to get healthier and look at myself first and stop wasting valuable mental energy on a problem that can't be solved by staying. I can no longer make myself believe it's okay to live in an unfulfilling marriage. It's empty, sad, sexless and emotionless and I'll keep going around, year after year unless I focus on me and believe I can take the steps to walk away. It may take me a while, but if it's the right thing to do, I'll create what I need to do to leave. This is what's on my mind.. I just needed a place to put these thoughts down. Thanks for being there to read this and good luck to all of you whatever stage you're at. 💕💕💕💕🌟🌟🌟courage!!! When I find myself frustrated as you are, I rely on action. It doesn't matter how small, but action brings habits. Habits bring progress. For example, what did you do today on your exit plan? Did you do a future budget? Did you look up a new job? Did you make a plan about what you will do AFTER you exit? With exit plans, there are a ton of details. Eventually you will run out of details to work on until it is time to pull the trigger. But you will NEVER run out of ideas of what you can do with the rest of your life after you are gone. Sometimes, I think this is the most critical part. These are your dreams. They are what you are fighting for. Otherwise, you are simply reacting to a horrible situation and creating a void. And you will be filling that void with whatever negative thoughts you are carrying around with you. Instead, pick 5 things you dream to do in the next 6 months. Pick another 5 you dream to do in the next year. Every single day, you need to do something towards one of those goals. It is what is going to get you out of bed in the morning and put a smile on your face. And when the nightmare is over, you may find yourself awakening to a fully planned and implemented dream life. Actions make Habits and then Habits make Progress. Oh that is very nice. The picking 5 Things for next 6 months, then next year. Absolutely. To put it in trendy Psychology terms it is "GOAL ORIENTED" as opposed to "FEAR ORIENTED" Goal oriented inevitably involves risk (failure to achieve the goals and all the risks for each goal etc.) so freaking what. We can de-risk but there will remain some risk for everything. Only being dead has no risk. If I am alive there is risk (some managed easier than others). Going around in circles and getting nowhere. And even little things - I remember a month ago I threw out about 6 boxes of old clothes and junk - in anticipation of travelling light - and it felt good afterwards. Just keep moving forward. Do not stop - keep preparing and planning and then when time is right. ACT. I estimate to be about 30 to 60 days maximum from the "Talk" and I will stand firm and go thru it (the last "Talk" was just an argument that escalted after 15 minutes to an agreement for divorce, W quickly rescinded and reset sex etc ensued followed by 90% back to SM within 72 hours - though she is trying desperately to save her marriage - I am thinking not so likely). |
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Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 16:33:59 GMT -5
warmways, your words "only you can make it stop" are something a few of us here should say to ourselves daily. well myself for sure. i'm only one step ahead of you right now as in i did end it finally. put it to sleep as it where, before it did me in! no more of "oh i'll try harder, no more false hopes, no more reset sex, no more being rejected and disappointed. no more!" yes, i'm pretty sure it will hurt the other, but it's hurting us more. i truely feel it will kill me to stay any longer and keep trying to make it work. i think the decision to get out of this was always in my mind allthough way at the back, but once i did tell her i cant do this anymore, i felt so good! the only hesitation i have now is the stuff. house, car, just all the stuff. the very little we do have together will be very hard for me to replace. she is entitled to 50& {even though i don't believe she has earned any of it} i'm more concerned about how and where i will live once we are completely over. good luck to you warmdays, you will get through this! good luck to all of us. Inspiring post Dave. If it makes you feel better, when the D finally comes my W will get all the houses, the Business, custody, and I will walk out with visitation rights / a motorcycle and some boxes. Freedom is never free. I am giving up the cash and prizes etc. Just like the Beatles - Money can't buy me Love so freaking true. Courage All! This breaks my heart. I refuse to do this to my H. When the D comes I will be sure it's even. Even if he loses his crap and mourns and screams. I will be fair because I'm looking at the man I married, not the one I'm leaving. |
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Post by warmways on Feb 19, 2017 17:50:36 GMT -5
Me too cc. Absolutely. I want to be fair.
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dave
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Post by dave on Feb 19, 2017 18:45:50 GMT -5
the fair thing is a given for alot of us no doubt. the person we married" wow! if thats not a kick in the head. and here i thought i see it from all angles. you guys never cease to amaze me. warmways started this with the genuine concern of hurting her H even though she knows what its doing to her. what a wonderful person she must be in irl. but isnt this what we all strive for? you know, to be the best version of ourselves we can be? i like to put my head down on my pillow at night and be able to say i did the best i can do today. i couldn't intentionally hurt someone and most of all, "the person i married" and heartbreaking? hugging the toilet bowl is getting old already. saw a counselor and she really felt those spouses will be hurt, but for a shorter and less severity then those that care dare i say like we do? not saying my W is incapable but things dont bother her like they do me. that also helped me make decisions that i couldn't before. i'm hoping with every fiber of my being that we be as truthful as possible so that theres no head games, no back stabbing or any of that crap. enough pain and suffering already. god sakes, i just want it all to stop. yes, warmways, only i can make it stop! thank you. you don't know how much!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 19, 2017 20:05:49 GMT -5
Me too cc. Absolutely. I want to be fair. The first thing I'm going to say is "i'm sorry, cause this ain't me talking right now!" You've got a spoiled child on your hands. One that's going to throw a tantrum, manipulate, con, abuse, throw pity parties, and it's your burden to now help them. Are you going to sit there ? I see no evil, I hear no evil, I am being fair, here take my wallet, take the car keys, have the house, have the children, keep your games, porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling, affairs, job idols, etc.... Because I'm a loving parent and I want my kids happy! Is that what a loving parent does? A loving parent says, "don't do that, I told you don't do that, that's going to hurt, don't do that, okay, I aint saying nothing. "OUCH that hurt!" Yea, I told you, now you know! That's part of love! I wish mountainrunner was still here (you can look up her old posts) she had example after example were she wanted to be" fair" during her divorce and didn't listen to her attorney, regretting it, and learning from it. Hey , if things end up not fair, you can always give it back! I wanted to be fair,and go the collaborative law route. My STBX started withholding money, and making false accusations, that ended that ,and postponed things, I was going to be more than fair. What happened? More and more manipulation, of money, moving of money, breaking the law is occurring, more and more in my favor, financially, and I was going to be a sucker and be more than fair. (were talking 100's of thousands of dollars) There are times to be brave, be bold, be courageous, pick up your sword and go into battle against the odds and trust in the final outcome, put your fears aside and do what's best, including taking care of yourself. Others are watching you, and will follow your lead. Back to the spoiled child, your really not helping them in the long run by trying to be so fair. God loves us, God lets us suffer, we endure trials and tribulations galore, meanwhile God is there saying " Choose my yoke, their will always be a burden but mine is much lighter, put trust in me, let me show you the way." It's time for giving, giving a good example of setting boundaries, and enforcing them. Giving an example of love by showing no fear. 1 john 4;18 "there is no fear in love." If you are not taking ground you are loosing. Dying to self takes extraordinary effort! Lets talk more about what's right, and not what's wrong with the world! Death to self equals victory. What is victory? " An act of defeating an enemy, an opponent, in battle, or game, or competition." For many of us the marriage has been an ongoing battle and competition that needs to come to an end with the giver being the victor!. get on the battlefield! Don't just be okay with hanging out and being defeated day after day! The strategy of the enemy is to make you feel all alone. Don't let that happen, Involve people you trust and work the plan, It takes effort and it takes having people around you. A threefold cord is not quickly broken! Faith and fear can not operate together, the major strategy of the enemy is to threaten you! Stop putting the weapon back into the enemy's hand. Don't operate in fear. Don't put the weopon back in the enemy's hand. If your the owner of the store and the robber comes in with a knife and you've got a loaded gun pointed at them, are you going to hand them your gun, and say, "here take this, go ahead, it's loaded!" Don't operate in fear. "I'm going to be afraid today", Fear peralizes!" Time to stop putting yourself in these situations. "There is no fear in love". Start your journey. |
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