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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 15:01:46 GMT -5
I don't think you can generalize this. Lots of people strive to be the opposite of their parents. Instead of gravitating to people like their father they run in the opposite direction. Plus, The need to someone to blame for the way we are can be destructive as we don't then analyze ourselves.
I understand you had shit parent who has caused so many problems in your life but it does seem you have given him all your power and at some point you have to take it back?
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Post by WindSister on Feb 15, 2017 15:23:23 GMT -5
I had a great dad. I will just leave it at that. I still married a man who was all wrong for me. My ex had a horrible dad and I did blame his dad for how he turned out (cold, emotionally unavailable, etc.), but my now-husband also had a horrible dad and he turned out to be a great dad himself, warm, affectionate, emotionally available. So - I agree with thecelt, we can't generalize these things. And at some point we do have to stop looking for blame for how things turned out and just, yes, take the power back and own our choices. When I married the first time I had doubt AS I walked down the aisle -- clearly I didn't listen to my own intuition saying he was not the right man for me. Honestly, I blame myself for our marriage then because I KNEW it was all wrong. I could have saved myself AND my ex a lot of wasted years had I listened to that doubt. Most people don't admit such things for fear of looking bad but I think if we are truly honest with ourselves, a lot of us can admit we knew it was an iffy situation we were getting into the first place. My husband says the same -- he married because she was pregnant and her mom made him feel guilty about it. Before she got pregnant he was ready to break up with her. Hmm. wonder why that marriage didn't last? We have to be honest with ourselves. Own our choices. There is freedom in that and true growth that can lead to true happiness.
All that said, I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. Definitely stand up for yourself and don't allow your family over if you don't want them to come over. Be honest. Be direct. Make your choices for you and your kids. Good things will come of that.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2017 14:50:51 GMT -5
My dad was an asshole, and sometimes he still is. Then again - I never lacked for anything growing up. My mom also had issues. But both of my parents also taught me a lot, and I know I've been loved.
As I've become an adult, I've been able to look back on the life my family had through my parents' eyes, and try to imagine their feelings and motivations. Did they do some things all wrong with me? Absolutely.
But I wasn't the easiest child. Neither was my brother. And my parents both had baggage from their own dysfunctional families; and I would bet my next paycheck that the crap goes back for generations.
I didn't have kids; but since my brother did, the bullshit isn't stopping with our generation. I kind of hope my brother's kids take after his wife.
I periodically go through times of being mad at my parents for the mistakes they made. But then I always remember the bad stuff they went through, and I feel more empathy again.
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Post by baza on Feb 17, 2017 23:29:48 GMT -5
On the evidence I've seen, this issue is generational, and passes through the generations, until someone calls a halt to it, and starts modelling a different example.
That person could have been one of your parents.
That person could have been one of your grandparents (or further generations back).
That person could prove to be one of your kids.
That person could turn out to be one of your grandkids.
Or - that person could be *you*. Right here and right now.
Or, alternatively, *you* can leave it be, let it infest the next generation, and leave it for someone else to sort out.
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Post by Dan on Feb 18, 2017 22:26:05 GMT -5
My view: Insanity is hereditary... you get it from your children!
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 19, 2017 12:03:32 GMT -5
My Dad was an absentee father. My parents divorced when I was somewhere in the 6 to 7 age range. I basically didn't see my Dad again until I was about 18. Some times he would show up for Christmas, just to drop off a couple gifts, he never stayed, and sometimes he didn't. I grew up as wild as an antelope and to say I was a discipline problem would be an understatement. Had it not been for sports and a wonderful aunt and uncle I probably would have ended up in a facility for mean ass kids. When I finally grew out of that troubled era I resolved that if I ever had a family I would never leave them to find their own way as I had to do. My sons are grown now and I have to say I think there are going to be better men than me.
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 27, 2017 8:29:09 GMT -5
Hi,
It all seemed 'normal' at the time, when I was growing up.
My father was a very driven and successful businessman. He was controlling and spent little time with his children. It was my sister-in-law who observed, years later, "He was dreadful, he was never there for any of you". Maybe because of that I grew up with low self-confidence and diminished self-esteem. Perhaps, as a consequence of my upbringing I married someone who was also controlling.
Conscious of all this, I have tried to be different with my child; only time will tell if I have been successful.
To end on a lighter note... Have you come across this poem by the famously gloomy British poet, Philip Larkin? A few years ago, I came across a news report where a judge in a divorce case, exasperated by the warring couple in front of him, called them before him and read them this in front of the whole court.
This Be the Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
He then told them to go away and sort themselves out - let's hope they did
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Post by leifericson on Feb 28, 2017 20:25:41 GMT -5
The type of father you have and they have will determine what sort of husband they will be and how you choose your men. My father is an asshole. So much so that I knew as a child that when I eventually married and had kids I would move far, far away from him. I was never loved, valued or protected by him. I was rarely spent time with. My only sibling, my brother, likewise moved across country. My mother waited until I was a senior in high school and divorced him. I remember him sitting on my brother for hours on the living room floor. I remember threatening to call the cops but was afraid of him. Even if I had called the cops nothing would have changed. I remember begging him to show me attention as a little girl and he would always pawn me off on strange neighborhood kids unless it was to do something he wanted to do. His other relatives call me to complain about his visiting because they cannot stand him. My own daughter remembers him yelling at her as a toddler. He even yelled at my special needs son because on that visit my son still couldn't talk so my dad treated him like he is deaf--which he isn't. Funny that after several hellish visits he still wants to visit again? After he yelled at my daughter I told him to get the f out of my house. Has he forgotten that? It was about 6 years ago. I haven't so I would rather send pictures and keep a nice long distance grand-parent relationship because he will never love on my kids like he didn't with me. I don't want him to ever visit again! IMO he just wants to control my kids and not being able to is killing him. I deliberately planned to live far away bc kids are easily influenced and great targets. I honestly won't forgive him for his behavior the past few times he has visited. I am still angry at how he always ruins everything. He is uncapable of being a loving father and time apart has never changed his continued bitterness towards my mother for leaving him and his subsequent and repeated anger towards me about it. He blames us for leaving him. I just went away to college. I knew I was leaving for many reasons but I simply need a way to say no to another visit. I have had my kids 99% of the time since my divorce bc my posx hasn't taken them overnight in 3 years. I am under enough stress and am exhausted enough to the point where I don't have the time or desire to rekindle my childhood pains. My brother wants to visit this 4th of July and I really don't feel like seeing anyone. Everyone to cheap to get a hotel room. They expect me to cook, entertain LOL! Then complain about dog allergies. Why should I have to be the host anyway in my situation? Doesn't anyone understand that I am barely hanging on? Right before I filed papers for my divorce 3 yrs ago my mother arrived after I deliberately told her that it was a bad time to visit. So I left the house for a day and 1/2. I remember ppl on iliasm saying not to tell anyone that you are filing unil it is done--too many things can happen financially. I had already been taken by a financial ride by the refuser. My mother hasn't visited since, at least she is now on my side when it comes to the divorce and the asshole. I really understand her now--I understand how awful it must have been to be married to my father. I understand why she left. I understand how challenging it is to raise children alone. I respect her. I now see that the type of father anyone has will ultimately determine the outcome in their relationships. Men that I see who work hard at their relationships do so because their fathers did. Those who don't care had fathers who didn't. Apparently my father's father was a real dick--so much so that none of the brothers ever wanted to discuss him when I asked about him on father's day. Perhaps I should have never married since I had such a dud for a father. It seems as if the cycle just repeats itself. There are many controlling like similarities between my father and my x refuser. Both emotional voids who only care about themselves. It's as if I have never known what healthy love is. I spend a lot of time talking about this to my pre-teen daughter. I tell her about what sort of man to pick, to avoid, that choices are lasting and extremely important, that having an independent financial life and career is most important. I still need to figure out a way to tell my "father" to bug off. I don't need another male in my house intimidating my children even if for a few days. I simply do not have the energy. Visitors are unwelcome! It's not like anyone in my family has ever helped me anyway. You sound on the edge Pointbreak. A SM doesn't seem like the worst of your problems. Do you think that your poor excuse of a father also colored the way you acted towards your husband or you subconsciously married your "father"? My father was an alcoholic and it was no picnic growing up in that house. I left home as a teen and stopped speaking to him for the last dozen years he was on this earth. |
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