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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 15, 2017 0:38:42 GMT -5
A question for those of you who have went through with the exit strategy or are forming one: At what point did you know there was no turning back?
It has been six months, our longest drought. Month 3 and 4 had me going berzerk with frustration and resentment. Keep in mind that in over a decade, our normal sex is once every 2 months. I find myself now not really caring, not really finding her all that attractive, and while masturbation is seriously losing its appeal after half a year with nothing real, now I wonder if I can not only have sex with the W, but with ANY human being. Am I so devoid of feeling? Was that how you felt when you finally said enough is enough?
Even if W asked for sex right now, believe it or not, I would say no. Why would I say yes? A quick spurt and then reset the clock for another 6 months? No...no...I don't care anymore, and it's a horrible, dark, unloving feeling. My exit plan will be long and hard, almost financially impossible, but I need to have more than this before it destroys my soul.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 15, 2017 1:19:38 GMT -5
I found myself in a similar situation. Here is where I am at and the process:
1) Over 10 year SM - average about once every 6 months (that is being generous) and started to wonder who is the Refuser and who is the Refused? It was to the point where there was no one even asking to be refused.
2) I became a Zombie "sex only" void of even the concept of Love (Romantic love, affection, etc.) and realized our marriage was essentially a "Room Mates partnership for the benefit of our Children" - that I really had only 2 Very good reasons to be in the Marriage - our 2 children.
3) A couple weeks ago I confronted my W in an argument about a trifle that turned into us agreeing to a Divorce after 20 minutes of arguing.
4) She recanted and asked for us to work on our Marriage claiming she still "loved" me and cited many good reasons for this proof. She asked if I still loved her and I said as honest as I could at the time. "I do not know, too many toxic emotions and resentments - to see what is really in my heart now."
5) We had passionate love making after argument that is clearly now a "Reset Sex" situation - quickly died off after a week or so.
6) After painful brutally honest soul searching looking as deep as I can into both my heart and my mind - I am convinced there is no love left certainly not "in love" and only a deep respect and appreciation for my W. I got her roses but no card. I will be honest - even if inevitably brutal and hard - about my lack of feelings for her.
7) My only advice (and I am speaking to myself more than anyone) is just be as brutally honest and true to myself and my feelings looking at both Mind and Heart.
Respect!
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 15, 2017 1:25:36 GMT -5
The Final Straw came from not really an event but a process of me finally being honest and true to my heart and mind - and next step will expressing that to W - no more lies about my feelings and what is inside me or now lacking.
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Post by baza on Feb 15, 2017 1:43:02 GMT -5
You've mentioned before that there are no kids in the picture Brother deadzone75. And this story looks like you are "ready" to go, but not yet "prepared" to go. So my suggestion is that you get yourself "prepared". Go see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce will shake out for you. From that information, start putting an exit strategy in to place and knock it into do-able shape. Shore up your support network, you'll need it to help you work your way through this. Consider seeing a counsellor to help you manage the emotional side of things. Then, when "the moment" arrives for you, you'll be "ready AND "prepared". And when preparation meets opportunity, BIG things happen. |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 15, 2017 2:30:47 GMT -5
This is a really interesting question; I'm speaking as someone who has only just stepped through the exit and is only a few hundred yards down the path out of a long sexless marriage...
Despite the length of my marriage, the final 'it's time to go, no more excuses...' moment came right at the end. After my child had left college, that was it. Although I'd mentally left the marriage years before.
There was a six month delay, caused by other events, but the final moment came when I realised that if I stayed any longer I might be stuck forever. By then, as baza has advised, I was well prepared. There was a final check of the parachute harness and, for good or ill, I was out of the door.
Without the child, I'd have left years before. Sadly, I now realise that the problems in my marriage had always been beyond my ability to fix.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 15, 2017 6:53:25 GMT -5
A question for those of you who have went through with the exit strategy or are forming one: At what point did you know there was no turning back? It has been six months, our longest drought. Month 3 and 4 had me going berzerk with frustration and resentment. Keep in mind that in over a decade, our normal sex is once every 2 months. I find myself now not really caring, not really finding her all that attractive, and while masturbation is seriously losing its appeal after half a year with nothing real, now I wonder if I can not only have sex with the W, but with ANY human being. Am I so devoid of feeling? Was that how you felt when you finally said enough is enough? Even if W asked for sex right now, believe it or not, I would say no. Why would I say yes? A quick spurt and then reset the clock for another 6 months? No...no...I don't care anymore, and it's a horrible, dark, unloving feeling. My exit plan will be long and hard, almost financially impossible, but I need to have more than this before it destroys my soul. The straw that broke the camels back for me might seem trival or even petty. But that is often the way with back breaking straws on an overloaded camel. For me, after 12 years of not hearing the words "I love you" coming from her mouth unprompted, she posted it loud, far, and wide on our anniversary last year "I love you". At that point, I knew in her eyes at least, that our marriage was for appearance only and I was done. In retrospect, I was probably where you are at about 6 months earlier. I knew it was bad, and I knew the only two ways out were death and divorce. I just hadn't quite wrapped my head around the divorce. I'd wager where you are at, there is going to be some trivial, almost petty straw. But if things continue as they have been, it will come. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, DZ |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Feb 15, 2017 7:13:00 GMT -5
I don't think there was any one single straw which led to my indifference. There was a series of straws. With each one I thought the camel's back was well and truly broken only to find that it had actually withstood the last one. I think more in terms of nails in coffin. There's always room for one more. How many more you allow after the lid is well and truly hammered down is up to each individual. The path to indifference was a long road for me, with many places to pass through, such as anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, grief and loneliness to name a few. It feels a bit like Pilgrim's Progress tbh. I think finally however, if I'm pushed, I would say loss of respect is what led to my feelings of indifference. I no longer desire him. I no longer respect him.I no longer love him. Unfortunately I find it very difficult to hurt him. I've seen this over and over in stories here. Even though you are deeply hurt, you don't in turn wish to hurt the other party. Perhaps this is because in MOST cases the intention is not that of malice. Selfishness perhaps, but not malice.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 15, 2017 8:54:06 GMT -5
I never reached the point of indifference. When I finally decided I was done I still loved my W. I still do. I'm just not "in love" with her anymore. Over the last year or so of the marriage we had had a # of short restarts, each following a "talk" by me to her about how unhappy I was and how dysfunctional our marriage was becoming. The restarts were really just resets. Then after numerous attempts at changing the sexual and other intimacy dynamics I started a conversation about me having a FWB in a last ditch effort to continue the marriage. It turned into 3 discussions. During the 3rd discussion I stated I could not continue in a marriage so devoid of intimacy. She promised to really make an effort to be a more loving and caring wife. And she was for roughly 3 months and then the holidays arrived and the old Mrs. works reemerged. Christmas and New Year festivities were the priority with intimacy and love pushed to the bottom of the to do list. That was it for me. It was finally clear to me we would never be anything other than roommates and occasional f**k buddies. So I distanced myself from her and took off the ring. 3 months later we decided to separate and the rest is history.
If you are so far down the road that indifference is your state of mind then your marriage is clearly done. Financial impact or not you are going to have to chart a path out of this wilderness. Your W is bound to be picking up on what's going on with you. If she has any brains at all she will be considering that divorce is likely in her future and may well decide to make the divorce as much on her terms as possible, Best not to allow yourself to be put in that position.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 15, 2017 8:54:10 GMT -5
Then, when "the moment" arrives for you, you'll be "ready AND "prepared". And when preparation meets opportunity, BIG things happen. "When preparation meets opportunity, BIG things happen." Worth repeating worth burning to memory for this Forum and life in general Freaking Brilliant. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Feb 15, 2017 9:03:04 GMT -5
I never reached the point of indifference. When I finally decided I was done I still loved my W. I still do. I'm just not "in love" with her anymore. I'm not even sure of the difference any more. I don't hate, but is that love (as opposed to ' in love')? I wouldn't want anything bad to happen, but I have considered what would happen if he died. As the father of my children I would be devastated for them. But if someone said to me " it's like losing your right arm" I'd be thinking " tooth". |
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 15, 2017 9:14:06 GMT -5
I never reached the point of indifference. When I finally decided I was done I still loved my W. I still do. I'm just not "in love" with her anymore. I'm not even sure of the difference any more. I don't hate, but is that love (as opposed to ' in love')? I wouldn't want anything bad to happen, but I have considered what would happen if he died. As the father of my children I would be devastated for them. But if someone said to me " it's like losing your right arm" I'd be thinking " tooth". I think you answered your own lack of understanding as to the difference. You would be devastated for your children, but not for yourself. If your were still "in love" with him you would also be bereft by the loss. The most important person in your life would be gone forever. As it stands now you would be saddened. That's the difference. |
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