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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 19:21:53 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. You do not have to accept shitty sex! You should NEVER feel used and stupid from an act that is supposed to be loving and connecting. You are worth so much more than this!! He should be the one who is grateful that you are still with him!! He made the effort because you had the talk. That's it. You are vulnerable and lonely and went along with it. Try not to beat yourself up about it. It's okay. AND...you are NOT a bitch!!! SM fucking with your head. Believe this: You are beautiful, caring, brave, loving, desirable. You deserve to be happy in all areas of your life. Begin to love and forgive yourself. Take one step at a time. I felt as if I would be stuck in this SM life forever. It took a long, long, long time for me to realize that I am worth more than this. How did I allow him to "own" my sexuality? How did I allow him to lead me down a life of celibacy when he knew it was clearly not what I wanted? It's because I was afraid, had low self-esteem, and felt no one would want me if my husband didn't. Now I am more afraid of continuing to live this life than getting out of it. Happiness is out there..step by step we can all reach it. It takes courage, strength and support. Please don't settle and don't ever give up on your happiness. ((hugs)) xo G That is so how I feel, that no one will want me, if he doesn't. He is far better looking than me, so I feel I got lucky. But then again, now I know that looks don't translate into passion. Hopefully I will find someone who ENJOYS my passion and sees past my middle aged mummy body!!! Thanks for the hugs... |
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 19:25:07 GMT -5
Yet again, this forum is amazing!! It is so good to find a bunch of people who UNDERSTAND! You all so 'get' the frustrations and insecurities.
I just have to believe that there is a better life waiting.....
Happy Valentine's day! It is over here, phew. Managed to avoid too many romantic films lol x x
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Post by shamwow on Feb 14, 2017 21:10:46 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. You do not have to accept shitty sex! You should NEVER feel used and stupid from an act that is supposed to be loving and connecting. You are worth so much more than this!! He should be the one who is grateful that you are still with him!! He made the effort because you had the talk. That's it. You are vulnerable and lonely and went along with it. Try not to beat yourself up about it. It's okay. AND...you are NOT a bitch!!! SM fucking with your head. Believe this: You are beautiful, caring, brave, loving, desirable. You deserve to be happy in all areas of your life. Begin to love and forgive yourself. Take one step at a time. I felt as if I would be stuck in this SM life forever. It took a long, long, long time for me to realize that I am worth more than this. How did I allow him to "own" my sexuality? How did I allow him to lead me down a life of celibacy when he knew it was clearly not what I wanted? It's because I was afraid, had low self-esteem, and felt no one would want me if my husband didn't. Now I am more afraid of continuing to live this life than getting out of it. Happiness is out there..step by step we can all reach it. It takes courage, strength and support. Please don't settle and don't ever give up on your happiness. ((hugs)) xo G Damn....I got nothing. What she said ^^^^^^^^ |
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:09:37 GMT -5
Awww, yea, I totally get that feeling. I had no clue that it had a name, reset sex, until I started really researching this. My husband loves to use this to make everything all better. It makes me feel so many awful things. They don't understand that, though. They did their part, what else do we want!?  |
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 4:09:31 GMT -5
Awww, yea, I totally get that feeling. I had no clue that it had a name, reset sex, until I started really researching this. My husband loves to use this to make everything all better. It makes me feel so many awful things. They don't understand that, though. They did their part, what else do we want!? And, as ever for me, it is all back to normal. But I feel a bit more chipped away at each time. He thinks it's all fine again! From what people on here say, it seems better to disconnect emotionally, and not expect intimacy, then you don't set yourself up for this vicious cycle. Not a great way to live, and it makes me feel guilty - he means well, he just obviously doesn't enjoy that side of things. I just wish I could be happy with how things are...... |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 18, 2017 4:41:13 GMT -5
Hi Richfairy,
I'm really sorry to hear that things are back to 'normal' (but keep in mind that it's really abnormal).
Yes, lots of people disconnect emotionally, I was one of them; I made myself numb to desires and feelings - or at least I tried to but I couldn't really and didn't solve my unhappiness. Besides, ask yourself "Should I be doing this to myself?", "Is this REALLY what I want?" and "Where does this get me in the long run?".
And, trust me, the long run can be a very long time...
I know what you mean about guilt. Every time we had sex, I felt like I was imposing myself on her. I felt her underlying attitude was 'This isn't what nice girls do' and so I stopped asking. That worked fine for her.
Right up to the point where I asked for a separation... which I now realise I should have asked for decades before
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:31:03 GMT -5
Hi Richfairy, I'm really sorry to hear that things are back to 'normal' (but keep in mind that it's really abnormal). Yes, lots of people disconnect emotionally, I was one of them; I made myself numb to desires and feelings - or at least I tried to but I couldn't really and didn't solve my unhappiness. Besides, ask yourself "Should I be doing this to myself?", "Is this REALLY what I want?" and "Where does this get me in the long run?". And, trust me, the long run can be a very long time... I know what you mean about guilt. Every time we had sex, I felt like I was imposing myself on her. I felt her underlying attitude was 'This isn't what nice girls do' and so I stopped asking. That worked fine for her. Right up to the point where I asked for a separation... which I now realise I should have asked for decades before Wise words dinnaken. The more time goes on, the more I know I need to move on. It's just stopping those nagging doubts that nobody else will like me, or I would be better to keep putting up with it. But it's not really fair on myself in the long run..... I really hope you can move on, you sound ready to. |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 18, 2017 10:41:59 GMT -5
Hi Richfairy,
I can really identify with what you've said here and I appreciate the choices that you have to make. Those choices will have to be made but make them YOUR OWN choices.
From my own experience, those nagging doubts wax and wane but never go away; of course they don't, you're a rational, sensible and sensitive human being.
As for putting up with it, that is something that everyone here has done for varying lengths of time but you/me/we all know that's no long-term solution for anyone here.
Yes, I'm moving on; it's not a lot of fun (there's a bit of Brit understatement for you [smiley face]) but it's happening, as it will for you, in your own time and on your own terms.
Best wishes
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