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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 12:38:41 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....)
So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed.
Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Feb 14, 2017 13:20:06 GMT -5
Chill, they do that. Don't be hard on yourself. It's a blip in the grand scheme of things, and he is desperate to keep the status quo.
You have made your decision to leave it seems, so keep the end goal in view. Use the reset / zombie sex as a reminder - People in a healthy relationship don't feel used after sex, they feel closer, happier etc...
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Post by shamwow on Feb 14, 2017 13:21:46 GMT -5
Chill, they do that. Don't be hard on yourself. It's a blip in the grand scheme of things, and he is desperate to keep the status quo. You have made your decision to leave it seems, so keep the end goal in view. Use the reset / zombie sex as a reminder - People in a healthy relationship don't feel used after sex, they feel closer, happier etc... BINGO. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 14, 2017 14:26:26 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. That path just gets worse and worse. Mrs Apocrypha would eventually stick a pillow on her own head, as if she was trying to block me out. Happened a few times - until it was made emphatically apparent that that was exactly what she was doing - a psychodrama in which she was showing me, deliberately how much she hated sex with me, while at the same time acquiescing to having the sex she didn't want, pretending to be game. Later on, in therapy, she characterized this escapade in a very dark way that proved impossible for us to recover from. Bad sex happens from sex you don't want to have. If it's touched by contempt, obligation or resentment, it can end up that sex becomes weaponized itself. |
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Cass
Junior Member
Posts: 22 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Feb 14, 2017 14:41:25 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. I would go for some bad reset sex at this point. At least it would show some sort of effort on my SO's side. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 14, 2017 14:47:26 GMT -5
This is pretty much par for the course richfairy72. Everyone one of these comments are so full of truth. I hope you take comfort in this. Sadly, that gross feeling after reset sex is another reason (I think anyway) to start nailing ling that coffin shut. Very hard to rebound from this but, people do try and I'm not really sure on the data, but some may even succeed. Personally, VD has just started in my neck of the woods - I've got the scenario playing in my head already - I've learned a lot of excuses for "not tonight honey" from my H, maybe I'll be using one or some later in the day. Honestly I hope not to be in that position, but I can't mentally deal with another reset, so, here I'm am - a potential refuser as I busy myself with my exit plans. Don't worry, I'm sure you're far from a bitch - it sure is a bad feeling though. I hear you! |
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Post by LITW on Feb 14, 2017 15:27:46 GMT -5
You are not a bitch ... throw that out of your head. I think its a defense mechanism that we sexless spouses build in to shield us from disappointment. While I won't say no to reset sex, I am hoping in my deepest being that she doesn't ask, even though I am pretty sure she wont, because I just can't get excited about duty sex.
Sending positive vibes your way!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Feb 14, 2017 16:13:53 GMT -5
richfairy72 - you can totally still whinge! Once we tried (my Ex & I) for non-PIV just to prove to ourselves we could connect sexually without insertion (since his erection had been years-dead by then) - and it actually proved to me just how "not worth it at all" it was to try. It helped SEAL the deal for me - that the only path for me was one that led out the door. Good luck - just survive for now while you get an exit plan together and visit an attorney for basic info so you know you're set. You can whinge any time, no matter what has taken place. This is YOUR (one and only) life. It is up to you to live it, to mine it for all it's got - - it is not up to anyone else how you do that!
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Post by whuffo on Feb 14, 2017 16:33:44 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. Obviously this approach may not work in all scenarios... it may not work in most, I have been wrong before. I know someone who will vouch for that (wink wink... my wife over there...) but if, and only IF you have a type of relationship with him that would allow this, why don't you ask him why he's being such a bitch? Why should you feel bad because he doesn't want a ready and willing woman to jump on him. If my wife had 1/50,000th of that desire I wouldn't be on this forum. However, if I said anything like that to her, I could guarantee that I'd never come anywhere near the V again. I still might not, but that would seal it! For you, maybe the "call you out and insult you for being such a bitch" tactic might work... but you know what you can and can't do. Happy Valentines Day though! If you were my wife I'd be glad to let you jump me as many times as you wanted today!  |
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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2017 17:42:57 GMT -5
This is the same bloke who a couple of days ago was "going to leave you and find someone else".
No wonder you are feeling "used".
Based on your run of stories you have good reason for feeling that way.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 14, 2017 18:26:50 GMT -5
This is pretty much par for the course richfairy72 . Everyone one of these comments are so full of truth. I hope you take comfort in this. Sadly, that gross feeling after reset sex is another reason (I think anyway) to start nailing ling that coffin shut. Very hard to rebound from this but, people do try and I'm not really sure on the data, but some may even succeed. Personally, VD has just started in my neck of the woods - I've got the scenario playing in my head already - I've learned a lot of excuses for "not tonight honey" from my H, maybe I'll be using one or some later in the day. Honestly I hope not to be in that position, but I can't mentally deal with another reset, so, here I'm am - a potential refuser as I busy myself with my exit plans. Don't worry, I'm sure you're far from a bitch - it sure is a bad feeling though. I hear you! "Personally, VD has just started in my neck of the woods". I had to do a double take on that!! A Venereal Disease had just started "down" in your neck of the woods? Never mind....LOL! Happy VD!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 14, 2017 18:35:56 GMT -5
I'm sorry your going through this. Hopefully you can look back on this with a half grin, and say "I certainly learned from that". Even bad experiences, hard times, difficult choices, have their place. It will make you stronger, you will see your relationship for what it is, and it will make standing up for your self easier the next time. All part of the learning experience.
There are other men out there who will respect you, cherish you, admire you, and want to unveil your beauty, because YOU DESERVE IT!
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 14, 2017 18:41:33 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. Nobody should accept crap sex. Sounds like an opportunity to become a counter refuser. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 14, 2017 18:46:55 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. Courage. Whinges are more than welcome. No you do NOT have to accept crap sex or anything below what you deserve. Grateful that H made an effort for something that should be as natural as sunlight on a flower? Right now personally I am focusing on being grateful if I can be honest and true to my mind and my heart. At the end of the day, the biggest lies and manipulations are coming from me back at me. To thine own self be true, right? Yes I do need to be reminded. |
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Post by ggold on Feb 14, 2017 19:07:47 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. You do not have to accept shitty sex! You should NEVER feel used and stupid from an act that is supposed to be loving and connecting. You are worth so much more than this!! He should be the one who is grateful that you are still with him!! He made the effort because you had the talk. That's it. You are vulnerable and lonely and went along with it. Try not to beat yourself up about it. It's okay. AND...you are NOT a bitch!!! SM fucking with your head. Believe this: You are beautiful, caring, brave, loving, desirable. You deserve to be happy in all areas of your life. Begin to love and forgive yourself. Take one step at a time. I felt as if I would be stuck in this SM life forever. It took a long, long, long time for me to realize that I am worth more than this. How did I allow him to "own" my sexuality? How did I allow him to lead me down a life of celibacy when he knew it was clearly not what I wanted? It's because I was afraid, had low self-esteem, and felt no one would want me if my husband didn't. Now I am more afraid of continuing to live this life than getting out of it. Happiness is out there..step by step we can all reach it. It takes courage, strength and support. Please don't settle and don't ever give up on your happiness. ((hugs)) xo G |
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