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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2017 2:28:14 GMT -5
There have been a few posts of late where the "problem" is being sheeted home to porn.
Personally, I think that twanging off to porn (or having partnerless sex if you prefer) is a perfectly legitimate expression of a persons sexual persona.
Every bit as valid as being heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual or any other type of xxxexual you care to name.
This is how some people express themselves sexually. That is who they are.
It doesn't require "fixing", any more than being heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual etc requires "fixing".
In short, preferring to masturbate to porn, is a perfectly valid choice.
Where the problems arise, is when a person preferring partnerless sex / masturbation (call it what you will) passes themselves off as something they are not - say as a practicing heterosexual who likes to sexually engage the opposite sex - to entrap another person for the purpose of appearance, or to present a false facade to the outside world.
This is not a sexual problem.
This is a LYING problem.
It is a problem of plain old dishonesty.
If you find yourself in the invidious position of having hooked up with someone who sold you a bill of goods concerning their sexuality, the problem ain't so much their true sexual persona, rather, it is the blatant dishonesty they have exhibited to draw you into their web of deceit under completely false pretences.
And, if they will outright lie to you about this basic relationship issue, then what the fuck else will they feel quite at ease in telling you untruths ?
In the world of dealbreakers, sexual preference may - or may not - be one.
But you'd figure that basic dishonesty would be a dealbreaker.
Again, if you find yourself on the wrong end of this situation, maybe it might be clearer if you were to focus on the basic dishonesty as the true problem, rather than the sexual preference of the refusive spouse.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Feb 14, 2017 3:25:05 GMT -5
Lying. Always the lying. If you can't be honest in one area, how can you be trusted in another? Deceit is so destructive to any relationship.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 14, 2017 5:27:19 GMT -5
Definitely lying. As well as choosing porn over a willing partner and I realize that it's their sexual preference.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 14, 2017 6:04:49 GMT -5
Yes, absolutely VALID and often all too hidden TRUTH. The heart of the matter is LYING.
Per my recent researches and studies on making a LONG TERM LOVING RELATIONSHIP work.
First, there is of course the mad "IN LOVE" romance phase - this usually if all goes well evolves into a Deeply AFFECTIONATE LOVE & ATTACHMENT phase that if nurtured right can last a life time.
The keys to its success - per my research and looking into my heart (yes I found it) are
TRUST
HONESTY
EMPATHY
LOVE of course - there needs to always be that even if it evolves into more profound over time.
And plain old HARD WORK on a day to day basis. Every day.
Without Trust - it seems to me impossible. And trust comes into it of course HONESTY.
The porn user is NOT being honest with him/herself or the H/W - it is another all too common example of dishonesty (often both to oneself and the partner).
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 14, 2017 6:10:31 GMT -5
Some say too it might be due to an ADDICTION - but all addicts (druggies, alcoholics, etc.) build their existence on LYING and DECEPTION - above all to themselves (nobody can lie to himself better than an addict).
If it is an Addiction - then the H/W can make a choice to see if that addict can change their behavior.
Very scary situation - if anyone I loved (daughter/son) was involved with an addict I would advise them to get the Hell out. I have known to many alcoholic/ addicts that do not change for years and NOTHING anyone can do will get them to stop their addiction except themselves when if ever they hit "rock bottom". I have known addicts (family/friends) die a slow agonizing death in their addiction and always try (unconsciously) to drag as many down with them.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 14, 2017 10:27:25 GMT -5
When my X once walked in and found me viewing porn again she sais she "didn't like me watching it". I wanted to say" where else I am going to see 2 people having sex and having a great time with each other". But I didn't want to say sometime that might be hurtful to her. It didn't occur to me at the time just how hurtful her actions were being to me. But this is not in tune with the theme in Baz's post. The betrayal is of coarse the lying. That one's SO places no value on an interaction that reinforces so many other aspects of a relationship and moves it from the genre of love to companionship.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 10:53:06 GMT -5
Well, I have no problem with people who prefer masturbation to sex with a partner (with or without porn.)
And I have no problem with people who say they are asexual, or some variation of that.
The only problem I have is when they insist on having a partner - even if in order to do so, they must deceive somebody.
I wish that asexual people, low-sex-drive people, those who prefer masturbation, etc., would seek each other out. How would that NOT be a win-win for everybody?
Look at the gay community. Out gay people do not bother starting things up with straight people. Everybody with a functioning brain knows that that would NOT work out - so why even start?
Why can't asexuals, masturbation-only people, etc., learn from the example of gay people?
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 12:32:28 GMT -5
So true, it's the lying that gets me every time.
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Post by csl on Feb 14, 2017 14:09:54 GMT -5
Uh, no. Just no. Gary Wilson's TEDTalk on The Great Porn Experiment shows that porn is not a "preference" but is instead damaging. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 14, 2017 14:16:59 GMT -5
Look at the gay community. Out gay people do not bother starting things up with straight people. Everybody with a functioning brain knows that that would NOT work out - so why even start? Why can't asexuals, masturbation-only people, etc., learn from the example of gay people? This is not a true fact. It's a dirty secret that many gay women, around the final childbearing years, find themselves in the situation of having sexual urges toward male partners that they cannot explain. And celibate lesbian relationships are so common that they've developed a name for them: lesbian bed death. I, myself, have been contacted by several married lesbians who were taking measures to seek a male sexual partner. In one case, both partners were seeking someone - they had the same problem. And, many gay men have a specific thing where they are mostly attracted to straight men. They seek them out by answering ads that men post for women. Prior to my marriage, I was off sex for a few years - closely coinciding with a very bad breakup and depression. I looked at porn during that time. It was a way to serve a personal need without engaging in something I found depletive or demanding. I did not have to take responsibility or care for anyone. Later, when Mrs Apocrypha went off sex, it seemed that she held a candle for a certain celebrity, and I stumbled onto her flicking her bean a few times. The problem wasn't the porn, or anyone watching it. The problem was that she didn't want to have sex with me. I don't have evidence to say that it was because of porn. If she wanted to have sex with me, and felt an urge - it would have been easy enough. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 14:20:10 GMT -5
Well, I have no problem with people who prefer masturbation to sex with a partner (with or without porn.) And I have no problem with people who say they are asexual, or some variation of that. The only problem I have is when they insist on having a partner - even if in order to do so, they must deceive somebody. I wish that asexual people, low-sex-drive people, those who prefer masturbation, etc., would seek each other out. How would that NOT be a win-win for everybody? Look at the gay community. Out gay people do not bother starting things up with straight people. Everybody with a functioning brain knows that that would NOT work out - so why even start? Why can't asexuals, masturbation-only people, etc., learn from the example of gay people? Kat, this is an excellent point. Low libidos need their own dating site! Hey, what an idea! I will work on that. |
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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2017 20:34:40 GMT -5
Uh, no. Just no. Gary Wilson's TEDTalk on The Great Porn Experiment shows that porn is not a "preference" but is instead damaging. I'm not arguing that porn is harmless (or harmful). This Gary Wilson bloke can chase that "why" over the horizon and back if he wants. The point at issue is lying about it. Not presenting the truth to a partner or potential partner. Being deliberately deceptive to ensnare another person. It may well be that porn is harmful to an individual using it. That's that individuals problem. For them to address - or not - as they wish. But the lying about it is most definitely devastatingly harmful to a relationship partner. |
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