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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 15:32:27 GMT -5
Like most of us in SMs, we feel that everything else is okay with the marriage minus sex/intimacy. I know now that it is not about sex. It's about communication, love, connection, intimacy. @ggold This should be enshrined in a bronze plaque or the motto of ILIASM - Summed up perfectly in less than 2 lines. It is not Just about sex in my marriage - not at all - you summed it up PERFECTLY. |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 11, 2017 15:34:18 GMT -5
Hi Folks,
I've just logged on and I find myself in agreement with pretty much everything being said here.
Years ago I summarised my situation like this - going into the marriage:
I wanted a happy and fulfilling (emotionally and physically) relationship with a member of the opposite sex
My wife?
She wanted to be married...
I think we all now how that scenario worked out.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 15:44:54 GMT -5
Hi Folks, I've just logged on and I find myself in agreement with pretty much everything being said here. Years ago I summarised my situation like this - going into the marriage: I wanted a happy and fulfilling (emotionally and physically) relationship with a member of the opposite sex My wife? She wanted to be married... I think we all now how that scenario worked out. Welcome Friend. The breadth of Wisdom and Experience here is phenomenal. You are no longer alone and if you are like me you will be AMAZED at the insights and honesty in these threads. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 11, 2017 17:22:28 GMT -5
@heraclitus, you make a good point.
I wonder, though... when the refuser's desire is for comfort and stability, and that is now assured for life (with or without the refused)... I wonder what negotiating power remains.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2017 10:32:12 GMT -5
drycreek,
I think the refuser still gets most of their comfort from the companionship. It's a one sided companionship because they do not have to reciprocate. They get all of the benefits without the work. The refusers are comfortable by our actions. Take a look at Lyn's thread on impressing. After she has removed herself emotionally from her husband, he has great discomfort. You can see the same thing in GGold's husband.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 10:48:59 GMT -5
A maid, cook, the status of being married, double income. Totally agree. And full time access to the kids |
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Post by deleted on Feb 13, 2017 11:14:54 GMT -5
Mine doesn't work. She has money to spend. Freedom to do what she wants.
She cleans the common living spaces about once a week. She does laundry. She doesn't cook. Ever. She carts two of our three kids around. She was able to make her parents final ten years easier. (I was funding a lot of that, too)
She also gets to be married to a spouse who feels almost completely used and unappreciated. She also gets to be married to a person who has no desire to have sex anymore, because he's such a mental case that his shit no longer wishes to function around her.
She has all of that going for her.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 13, 2017 11:57:26 GMT -5
Mine doesn't work. She has money to spend. Freedom to do what she wants. She cleans the common living spaces about once a week. She does laundry. She doesn't cook. Ever. She carts two of our three kids around. She was able to make her parents final ten years easier. (I was funding a lot of that, too) She also gets to be married to a spouse who feels almost completely used and unappreciated. She also gets to be married to a person who has no desire to have sex anymore, because he's such a mental case that his shit no longer wishes to function around her. She has all of that going for her. So is that the end of it? Resolved to a life in a marriage like this? Your W is very lucky and seems like she has it all. With empathy and compassion, I must it does not seem very good for you. What next? Just go into the future as is? Just trying to understand is all. If it is none of my business that is perfectly understandable too. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 13, 2017 12:00:17 GMT -5
@heraclitus , you make a good point. I wonder, though... when the refuser's desire is for comfort and stability, and that is now assured for life (with or without the refused)... I wonder what negotiating power remains. If the refuser's comfort and stability is assured WITHOUT the Refuser . . . that seems to me a one way ticket on the FREEDOM EXPRESS. What would be the point of a Refused sticking around if leaving does not even cause any pain to the Refuser? Maybe i am projecting myself (well of course I am) but if no PAIN would result of the Refused getting his/her life and freedom back . . . seems like a no-brainer obvious choice to me. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 10:39:38 GMT -5
I can only speak for myself. Kids definitely. Being part of a family. I lived alone for 20 years before I finally decided to get married. But if you don't want sex with your spouse marriage can also be a trap. You can try to engage in sex outside the marriage but if you get caught you end up right back where you started, alone. So you end up giving up sex in order to be part of a family. It's one or the other.
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:14:11 GMT -5
Mine loves the idea of this family. It's a nice neat package he can present to church, family, friends. He likes to be respected and he loves the kids. He gets a free private education for his children, via me, and a live in nanny that loves them.
If I would shut up and play my part he would live a fantastic life. He has no problems. My needs are the issue.
He only gets upset because I am upset and if I say anything to anyone outside of the marriage.
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Post by csl on Feb 17, 2017 21:42:01 GMT -5
Mine loves the idea of this family. It's a nice neat package he can present to church, family, friends. He likes to be respected and he loves the kids. He gets a free private education for his children, via me, and a live in nanny that loves them. If I would shut up and play my part he would live a fantastic life. He has no problems. My needs are the issue. He only gets upset because I am upset and if I say anything to anyone outside of the marriage. "What you have whispered in private rooms will be shouted from the housetops." Lk 12:3 Keep shouting, don't let him shut you up. Tear down his facade so that he has to deal with his real marriage, not his imaginary one. |
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:44:46 GMT -5
Mine loves the idea of this family. It's a nice neat package he can present to church, family, friends. He likes to be respected and he loves the kids. He gets a free private education for his children, via me, and a live in nanny that loves them. If I would shut up and play my part he would live a fantastic life. He has no problems. My needs are the issue. He only gets upset because I am upset and if I say anything to anyone outside of the marriage. "What you have whispered in private rooms will be shouted from the housetops." Lk 12:3 Keep shouting, don't let him shut you up. Tear down his facade so that he has to deal with his real marriage, not his imaginary one. Exactly! I tell him often his is not a God honoring marriage. He really wants me to just behave and be ok with what is. I look now and I can't believe what I allowed to happen. I just loved him so dang much that I made everything ok. I stuffed it all down. Save |
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Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 17, 2017 22:01:36 GMT -5
agree with the thinking that sex doesn't really enter into the refuser's way of thinking. let's face it - they're just wired differently...
for me, my wife has always enjoyed being mostly a 'stay at home mom' in a lovely house in an upscale neighborhood. She got financial stability, someone to fund college expenses, pay the bills etc. She's had the easy life of deciding whether to go to yoga/for a walk/to coffee w girlfriends/shopping or other extremely low-stress lifestyle choices. I indeed spoiled her...
what I've told her numerous times (when not focusing solely on sex) is that 'I FEEL TAKEN FOR GRANTED'
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 22:34:48 GMT -5
agree with the thinking that sex doesn't really enter into the refuser's way of thinking. let's face it - they're just wired differently... for me, my wife has always enjoyed being mostly a 'stay at home mom' in a lovely house in an upscale neighborhood. She got financial stability, someone to fund college expenses, pay the bills etc. She's had the easy life of deciding whether to go to yoga/for a walk/to coffee w girlfriends/shopping or other extremely low-stress lifestyle choices. I indeed spoiled her... what I've told her numerous times (when not focusing solely on sex) is that 'I FEEL TAKEN FOR GRANTED' Because you were taken for granted. They are wired differently. So different. They think they can pick and choose how to feed you and they set the pace. WE must deal with what we are fed and be thankful. Save |
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