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Post by shamwow on Feb 10, 2017 20:15:23 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”. She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them. I wish I had something substantial to say. My situation is very different but for whatever it is worth, to share with you what I would do if I was worried about kids is to stay geographically close and ensure I don't start a new family to make sure that I am entirely available to them. I think it will help with the emotional security of a child if he/she knows that dad is still all theirs. My plans are currently to stay in a very close geographic proximity to keep things as stable as possible for the kids and to make sure they know I'm there for them. My ideal is to have things as disrupted as little as possible except that Mom and Dad are no longer living together (but still get along). Might not work that way, but it's the ideal I'm striving for. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 10, 2017 20:18:12 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”. She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them. I feel your pain, Rex. I told mine I wanted a divorce almost 3 weeks ago now. I've seen her fight harder for $1000 off a car and some floor mats than for me. In some ways, it makes it much easier, but it also does kind of make you feel like shit at the same time. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 10, 2017 22:48:34 GMT -5
I feel your pain, Rex. I told mine I wanted a divorce almost 3 weeks ago now. I've seen her fight harder for $1000 off a car and some floor mats than for me. In some ways, it makes it much easier, but it also does kind of make you feel like shit at the same time. Ouch. That stings. But yeah, it does reinforce that you're making the right call. |
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 11, 2017 0:04:45 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”. She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them. I feel your pain, Rex. I told mine I wanted a divorce almost 3 weeks ago now. I've seen her fight harder for $1000 off a car and some floor mats than for me. In some ways, it makes it much easier, but it also does kind of make you feel like shit at the same time. Im sorry shamwow, Yes it hurts like Hell to see her work hard for those simple things when she couldn't do so for you. But as you said it also makes it easier. It is good to see her growing from it and being independent |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 5:20:05 GMT -5
I cannot imagine anyone on this Forum who would not agree that Divorce Is PAINFUL in money, blood, tears, etc. - like pulling teeth out of your soul - it is the price of freedom.
The questions I would think are absolute
1. Is it the right decision? Like "War" have all "diplomatic" possibilities been exhausted (tried to improve marriage, no love left or compatibility ruled impossible etc)? Did the Divorcing spouse weigh all options in terms of pain and Stay vs. Divorce is well thought thru from both Heart and Mind?
2. Are the children being protected / reassured / loved as much as possible?
3. Is the "Exit Plan" for ALL Parties concerned in order (H, W, and Children) for situation after divorce?
Freedom is NEVER free.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 11, 2017 6:18:34 GMT -5
The surreal part for me was when she knew I had checked out and her response. After the initial realization tears ended there were no tears for the marriage and what was being lost. Her concerns were primarily about where and how she would live. We had disposed of her old home and a lot of the money went for travel and new furniture for the house we built. So she didn't have much squirreled away at the moment. But once I told her I would give her the money equivalent of her old place she rapidly changed demeanors. She quickly set about looking for new digs and putting the marriage behind her and we both mentally switched gears into the role of close friends. Helping her find her new place was somewhat surreal. The day to day interaction was pretty much as it had been for months with us just going through the motions of 2 people who temporarily shared the same space.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 11, 2017 6:33:55 GMT -5
The surreal part for me was when she knew I had checked out and her response. After the initial realization tears ended there were no tears for the marriage and what was being lost. Her concerns were primarily about where and how she would live. We had disposed of her old home and a lot of the money went for travel and new furniture for the house we built. So she didn't have much squirreled away at the moment. But once I told her I would give her the money equivalent of her old place she rapidly changed demeanors. She quickly set about looking for new digs and putting the marriage behind her and we both mentally switched gears into the role of close friends. Helping her find her new place was somewhat surreal. The day to day interaction was pretty much as it had been for months with us just going through the motions of 2 people who temporarily shared the same space. God that sounds a lot like my current situatuon. Healthy amount of assets but very llittle of it liquid. Doing nada to *reset" me or try to save things (probably not worth saving), but almost all of her thinking to finding a job and where she will live. Better than denial I guess, and day to day very little has changed over the past 3 weeks. Just the next phase in the life of two long-term roommates. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 12, 2017 11:05:04 GMT -5
shamwowA couple of things 1) at least you guys are being civil, normal-ish, in front of the kids. A lot of couples are yelling and screaming - causing chaos at this point. Far worse for everyone, especially the kids. 2) maybe she's not trying to "reset" you because she respects your decision? Your letter was pretty emphatic that you no longer love her and are getting a divorce. I'm not sticking up for her on this, just, there could be reasons for the lack of "reset". It's probably a blessing in disguise - (although surely doesn't feel great)
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