|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 9, 2017 19:42:02 GMT -5
Ok for those of you divorced or who have announced your divorce what surreal changes have you noticed. For me, recently announced, it is family dinners, the routine "business" of raising kids, and the utter normalcy of everyday life that has returned after the bomb was dropped.
For example, tonight I am going to help my STBX brush up on her Excel skills as she prepares to do a job search (she is currently a SAHM). I am also making efforts to show my son more on how to do the "guy" fix up the house stuff as well (although he doesn't know the reason why). Welcome to the new normal, I guess...
|
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Feb 9, 2017 20:24:49 GMT -5
Ok for those of you divorced or who have announced your divorce what surreal changes have you noticed. For me, recently announced, it is family dinners, the routine "business" of raising kids, and the utter normalcy of everyday life that has returned after the bomb was dropped. For example, tonight I am going to help my STBX brush up on her Excel skills as she prepares to do a job search (she is currently a SAHM). I am also making efforts to show my son more on how to do the "guy" fix up the house stuff as well (although he doesn't know the reason why). Welcome to the new normal, I guess... We are living the same as we were. The only difference is that we are going to divorce mediation. Once we are out of the office, back to status quo. We don't communicate about the divorce. We discuss topics involving the kids, jobs, family. Sometimes anger rises up and we have our passive aggressive moments. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 9, 2017 22:11:15 GMT -5
Back in the day of my ILIASM deal. Any amount of times when I was doing routine things, like checking the oil etc in the car, replacing a tap washer, resetting a tripped fuse, changing a car tyre, relighting the gas and suchlike, I'd say to my missus - "I'm about to (insert task here) if you want to watch and / or have a go at it" "Later. Maybe. Not now" being the usual response. Fortunately, the kids were interested enough from time to time to absorb some stuff. That came in handy after I left. Addendum for Brother shamwow - Yes, I left out the more obvious things, like treating snake bites, kangaroo wrangling, crocodile taming, first aid for alcohol poisoning and other suchlike standard Australian skills. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 9, 2017 22:15:01 GMT -5
Back in the day of my ILIASM deal. Any amount of times when I was doing routine things, like checking the oil etc in the car, replacing a tap washer, resetting a tripped fuse, changing a car tyre, relighting the gas and suchlike, I'd say to my missus - "I'm about to (insert task here) if you want to watch and / or have a go at it" "Later. Maybe. Not now" being the usual response. Fortunately, the kids were interested enough from time to time to absorb some stuff. That came in handy after I left. Lol baz, Knowing you're an Aussie, I was waiting to read "subdue a dingo" or similar on your list of chores. Of course since I live in Texas you would probably expecting to have "feed my horse and clean my guns" on my list of chores. |
|
|
|
Surreal
Feb 10, 2017 2:43:51 GMT -5
lyn likes this
Post by McRoomMate on Feb 10, 2017 2:43:51 GMT -5
I am just taking notes. Good stuff.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 10, 2017 12:56:13 GMT -5
Not totally the same situation, however I remember when I was a kid and my parents were going through an extremely hateful divorce bedtime was the only time we felt "normal"
My dad was only at the house for bedtime, police officer supervised, and it was the most peaceful 30 minutes of my day. That 30 minutes of laughing and reading with him kept me going a long time, and it is what encouraged me to find him again 11 years later (when my mother had no control over me either).
So as much as it may seem surreal, your kids may appreciate the gentle comfort more than you might think.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2017 13:05:22 GMT -5
Not totally the same situation, however I remember when I was a kid and my parents were going through an extremely hateful divorce bedtime was the only time we felt "normal" My dad was only at the house for bedtime, police officer supervised, and it was the most peaceful 30 minutes of my day. That 30 minutes of laughing and reading with him kept me going a long time, and it is what encouraged me to find him again 11 years later (when my mother had no control over me either). So as much as it may seem surreal, your kids may appreciate the gentle comfort more than you might think. I am sorry you went through your parents' divorce. Heartening you found your moments of comfort though. I wish no child ever went through all this but it is what it is. |
|
|
|
Surreal
Feb 10, 2017 13:18:09 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lwoetin on Feb 10, 2017 13:18:09 GMT -5
Back in the day of my ILIASM deal. Any amount of times when I was doing routine things, like checking the oil etc in the car, replacing a tap washer, resetting a tripped fuse, changing a car tyre, relighting the gas and suchlike, I'd say to my missus - "I'm about to (insert task here) if you want to watch and / or have a go at it" "Later. Maybe. Not now" being the usual response. Fortunately, the kids were interested enough from time to time to absorb some stuff. That came in handy after I left. This reminds me of things said between wife and I during arguments. From my end, if I want someone to cook or clean, I would hire a maid or eat out. From her end, if I have car or house problems, I would take it to garage or hire plumber. Friendly exchange to keep our egos in check. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 10, 2017 13:18:43 GMT -5
I think keeping the peace for the sake of the kids is most important.
It is a little surreal and I get that some of it has to do with the refuser's avoidance of the issue too. I announced the divorce in September but he wasn't served until mid November. Most days it was business as usual.
Here's the big point I want to make: (and it may only apply to my situation but it's what I realized later after the divorce).
Maybe it's not surreal, maybe it's real because it's more truthful.
Around 9 months after the divorce Hurricane Matthew threatened our area and we as a family unit decided to be under one roof for the sake of the kids.
It was my decision, I had the kids, I didn't want them worrying about is their dad ok so I invited him to hunker down with us, and I made a kick ass dinner, my passive aggressive side coming out.
Anyway we spent 24 hours together and I realized everything was exactly the same. While we were married we were really divorced. Some others here have used the term "there was no marriage in our marriage" and that was very clear.
It makes me sad about the way our marriage should have been but divorce is not the end of the world and life goes on.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 10, 2017 14:14:48 GMT -5
I think keeping the peace for the sake of the kids is most important. It is a little surreal and I get that some of it has to do with the refuser's avoidance of the issue too. I announced the divorce in September but he wasn't served until mid November. Most days it was business as usual. Here's the big point I want to make: (and it may only apply to my situation but it's what I realized later after the divorce). Maybe it's not surreal, maybe it's real because it's more truthful. Around 9 months after the divorce Hurricane Matthew threatened our area and we as a family unit decided to be under one roof for the sake of the kids. It was my decision, I had the kids, I didn't want them worrying about is their dad ok so I invited him to hunker down with us, and I made a kick ass dinner, my passive aggressive side coming out. Anyway we spent 24 hours together and I realized everything was exactly the same. While we were married we were really divorced. Some others here have used the term "there was no marriage in our marriage" and that was very clear. It makes me sad about the way our marriage should have been but divorce is not the end of the world and life goes on. EXACTLY what I was getting at but much better said! |
|
|
|
Post by LITW on Feb 10, 2017 14:22:12 GMT -5
My entire divorce experience was surreal, everything about it. I think its that way because divorces are not supposed to happen--if there is a divorce, its because something is very, very wrong with the marriage. Even if the marriage really needs to end, as my first one did, its a horribly surreal and painful experience.
|
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Feb 10, 2017 18:18:37 GMT -5
I think keeping the peace for the sake of the kids is most important. It is a little surreal and I get that some of it has to do with the refuser's avoidance of the issue too. I announced the divorce in September but he wasn't served until mid November. Most days it was business as usual. Here's the big point I want to make: (and it may only apply to my situation but it's what I realized later after the divorce). Maybe it's not surreal, maybe it's real because it's more truthful. Around 9 months after the divorce Hurricane Matthew threatened our area and we as a family unit decided to be under one roof for the sake of the kids. It was my decision, I had the kids, I didn't want them worrying about is their dad ok so I invited him to hunker down with us, and I made a kick ass dinner, my passive aggressive side coming out. Anyway we spent 24 hours together and I realized everything was exactly the same. While we were married we were really divorced. Some others here have used the term "there was no marriage in our marriage" and that was very clear. It makes me sad about the way our marriage should have been but divorce is not the end of the world and life goes on. Yes! I understand this. We are legally married but emotionally divorced. This is how we have been living for years. |
|
|
|
Post by RexCorvus on Feb 10, 2017 18:38:06 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”.
She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2017 18:42:41 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”. She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them. I wish I had something substantial to say. My situation is very different but for whatever it is worth, to share with you what I would do if I was worried about kids is to stay geographically close and ensure I don't start a new family to make sure that I am entirely available to them. I think it will help with the emotional security of a child if he/she knows that dad is still all theirs. |
|
|
|
Surreal
Feb 10, 2017 20:11:35 GMT -5
Post by RexCorvus on Feb 10, 2017 20:11:35 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”. She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them. I wish I had something substantial to say. My situation is very different but for whatever it is worth, to share with you what I would do if I was worried about kids is to stay geographically close and ensure I don't start a new family to make sure that I am entirely available to them. I think it will help with the emotional security of a child if he/she knows that dad is still all theirs. Thank you for your reply @teervij, but whether I am in the next room or 1000 miles away, their mother showing hatred of me will impact them. But you are correct, I will not abandon them. They will know their father loves them and is always there for them. |
|
