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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 9, 2017 21:16:17 GMT -5
8 months in therapy is a really long time to not see improvement.
Have you brought this up to your therapist? If you feel like they are stringing you along for business you can threaten to look elsewhere or flat out let them know that if you aren't seeing any change then they have no value to you. It ultimately is still a business transaction, and I don't want to immediately put all the blame on your wife for not responding to said service.
However, if you feel like your therapist is doing what they can to try and wake your wife up, it may be time to reassess what you need in this relationship.
If you need sex and she cannot give it to you you have two options 1) separation (you may encounter reset sex when the fear hits her, read more threads to hear more on reset sex) 2) outsource. I personally do not know much on this department however informing your wife that she is not enough for you and that she can still be married to you while you sleep with other people may be something that can work for you guys.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 10, 2017 3:15:33 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home. So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond? Yes indeed I have heard this before! It's a way for a refuser to get you to back down completely and immediately to the exact level or sexual frequency they want. It is a highly effective tactic whether it's a concious tactic or not. I know when my W said it I felt disgusted with myself, like I was a horrible man and no one wants to be regarded as a sex pest. I immediately backed off altogether thinking that it was the right thing to do. The thing about sex drive differences is that for the most part they can be overcome but only if both make the required, sustained effort. I would have sex by choice a couple of times a week. My W would be once a month. The gap is significant and seemingly a huge problem. Could I live with a lower amount and still be happy? Of course I could. Not in an ideal world but life is not always ideal. Could she increase and still feel happy. Absolutely! I refuse to believe or accept that she couldn't increase within reason. The gap can be shrunk dramatically if you are both committed to reducing it and in some cases the gap can be overcome altogether. |
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Post by iceman on Feb 10, 2017 11:32:43 GMT -5
When I actually tried to initiate sex, which I no longer attempt, my W would tell me she felt pressured to have sex. This was when I would broach the subject of sex maybe once a week. She used it as an excuse to withhold all affection. She said she didn't want to touch me in any affectionate way because I would think it was an invitation to have sex, which I didn't. The ironic part is that she only touched me when she was agreeable to sex so it got to the point where when she did touch me I did indeed think she was inviting sex so she had set up a self-fulfilling situation that she could throw back in my face.
I've come to the conclusion that when one spouse is feeling consistently pressured for sex that it points to a fundamental difference between each spouse's view of sex and the importance of it the marriage. It's a problem of basic compatibility. There are certainly times in any marriage when one spouse wants sex and the other doesn't for a variety of valid reasons but those should the exception not the rule. When it happens consistently there is a real problem.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2017 12:15:21 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home. So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond? Come you know exactly what's going on. She doesn't want to have sex with you and she has the excuse to close you down. Instead of responding be the one to start the conversation next time your home just ask her "do you not want an intimate relationship with me anymore......" |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2017 12:45:19 GMT -5
8 months in therapy is a really long time to not see improvement. Have you brought this up to your therapist? If you feel like they are stringing you along for business you can threaten to look elsewhere or flat out let them know that if you aren't seeing any change then they have no value to you. It ultimately is still a business transaction, and I don't want to immediately put all the blame on your wife for not responding to said service. However, if you feel like your therapist is doing what they can to try and wake your wife up, it may be time to reassess what you need in this relationship. If you need sex and she cannot give it to you you have two options 1) separation (you may encounter reset sex when the fear hits her, read more threads to hear more on reset sex) 2) outsource. I personally do not know much on this department however informing your wife that she is not enough for you and that she can still be married to you while you sleep with other people may be something that can work for you guys. I wish outsourcing was that straightforward  |
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Post by LITW on Feb 10, 2017 14:40:57 GMT -5
Early in my marriage, at the beginning of our fights about sex, she told me that whenever I touched her, it made her "feel like a piece of meat." She has since recanted that comment, but sometimes when I look at her I can still hear her saying it, and it hurts. She does not understand why I cannot just let it go, and sometimes I wonder the same thing, but I cant.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 10, 2017 15:05:25 GMT -5
Early in my marriage, at the beginning of our fights about sex, she told me that whenever I touched her, it made her "feel like a piece of meat." She has since recanted that comment, but sometimes when I look at her I can still hear her saying it, and it hurts. She does not understand why I cannot just let it go, and sometimes I wonder the same thing, but I cant. But of course, after weeks and weeks even months had passed, whenever she fancied climbing on your dick and enjoying a good ride, that would never have made you feel like a piece of meat. Just like my W. She will only ever see what she wants to see and will never flip the coin over and look on the other side. I've felt like a piece of meat before after a sustained period of years where she fucked me when she fancied cock and made no room for it elsewhere. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 10, 2017 16:08:00 GMT -5
Outsourcing as an option?
Eh . . . I can tell you from my experience outsourcing is a half measure "coping mechanism" and just kicks the can down the road (and it gets bigger and worse) and avoids addressing the REAL PROBLEM.
Raw animalistic sex with some affection here and there. That has been my experience with outsourcing.
The brave and uncertain Goal for me is now so obvious a Healthy Loving Long Term relationship where Sex is a part and important at that of the WHOLE THING.
I hear a lot there are three choices: Stay, Cheat, or Divorce. After trying the first 2 ad nauseum, there seems only one left.
No intimacy / no sex = Friendship . . . if that is enough and you outsource on the side. Good for you. I have a sneaking suspicion that may not be good enough for anyone on this Forum.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 10, 2017 17:55:38 GMT -5
My husband travels on business too. When he gets home from a trip he says he needs his "down time". He says everyone wants a piece of him, he's surrounded by needy people. He comes home to decompress, he doesn't need to be pressured. He would pick a fight over something I had done or not done, keeping the tension up to keep me away from him.
It's been nearly 30 years of this and I've adapted. I'm happier now that I expect nothing from him. He's happier because there's no pressure. He doesn't pick fights when he gets home anymore.
Everything is exactly as he wants it.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 10, 2017 21:10:42 GMT -5
My husband travels on business too. When he gets home from a trip he says he needs his "down time". He says everyone wants a piece of him, he's surrounded by needy people. He comes home to decompress, he doesn't need to be pressured. He would pick a fight over something I had done or not done, keeping the tension up to keep me away from him. It's been nearly 30 years of this and I've adapted. I'm happier now that I expect nothing from him. He's happier because there's no pressure. He doesn't pick fights when he gets home anymore. Everything is exactly as he wants it. Same here with my wife. Our 29th wedding anniversary is next week and she is very happy, no pressure - no sex. She's got what she wants. I no longer expect anything from her. We're just legal roommates.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 11:00:18 GMT -5
Hi cave,
Welcome, and yes, apparently it's all I ever think about and I try to 'force' my husband into sex about once every 3 months. No more, I have given up.
Have a good look at the forum, you will start feeling more normal once you see that it's not just y o u.
Love your profile picture btw.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 11:01:38 GMT -5
Sorry meant to say cavu, silly auto correct!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2017 20:57:26 GMT -5
Yes, when I was still with Mr. Kat, trying to get our relationship back to the way it once was, he told me more than once that he felt "pressured." I was so hurt, I tried to train myself to stop approaching him. And - eventually - I succeeded; because I had given up.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 13, 2017 15:01:05 GMT -5
Yes. I have heard this. I have heard it even when simply trying to discuss what we like, in the hope of discovering something I'm missing or that is uncomfortable to admit to. Simply "opening a dialogue" and demonstrating responsible care to satisfy hypothetical unusual needs, was posed as pressure.
"I feel pressured to have sex," results from a feeling of not wanting to have sex with you.
Thus ANY behaviour that might reasonably lead to the idea of sex happening between you will feel like pressure.
It's the words used to externalize one's own disinterest in sex with someone.
I'm single right now, and a friend I've been casually dating for a while - who I've not been certain how I feel about - offered to take me out. She made a perfectly reasonable half-joke about me "putting out" after. I'm feeling it as pressure, though I know she is simply expressing what she wants with me, and I've been filibustering her while I ponder my own lack of enthusiasm.
It feels like pressure right now because having sex with her feels emotionally irresponsible, given that my feelings and care for her don't feel very romantic right now. I've been letting it go and need to deal with it.
So, there's sort of an answer from the other side of it.
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Post by ihadalove on Feb 13, 2017 19:04:18 GMT -5
Yep, hear it all the time! Strange though when I ask if she wants to go to our favorite breakfast place there are no pressure issues.
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