cavu
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Post by cavu on Feb 9, 2017 16:22:29 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home.
So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond?
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 9, 2017 16:46:51 GMT -5
When you want it once a week and she is willing once a year, then there is pressure from your end. And mine, unfortunately. I tell her WE don't have to have sex.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 9, 2017 17:01:10 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home. So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond? From the outside looking in . . . you seem to be in the right place. When new here I was told "welcome to the Elephant Graveyard of worst dysfunctional marriages". You are on the road and back and she is too busy / exhausted with everything else? After a few weeks on this Forum and research, I have learned that Sexless Marriage (SM) have a pretty brutal rate of success, perhaps like 0.5% recover. Recover in what sense - meaning both partners have return to a normal satisfying sex life. MAybe yours is in the early stage and fixable. Have you let your W know that this is not acceptable? Being "pressured into sex" with your H/W? That is just not right under normal circumstances, we are married and SEX is a huge factor in gaging the health of a marriage / long term relationship. Here are my specific suggestions: 1. Tell her that it is normal for H/W to have sex regularly it is part of being married. 2. Let her know it is hurting you her refusals. 3. Ask her why she is refusing? Is something else going on? I have learned at least this much: marriage is work and both parties must be willing to put effort in. I am not sure all the "gimicks" work but maybe (take her to romantic dinner, flowers, let her feel loved appreciated somehow by acts of love towards her, little presents, make her breakfast in bed, etc.) I am not sure if it will work but worth a try. |
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cavu
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Posts: 16
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Post by cavu on Feb 9, 2017 18:05:11 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home. So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond? From the outside looking in . . . you seem to be in the right place. When new here I was told "welcome to the Elephant Graveyard of worst dysfunctional marriages". You are on the road and back and she is too busy / exhausted with everything else? After a few weeks on this Forum and research, I have learned that Sexless Marriage (SM) have a pretty brutal rate of success, perhaps like 0.5% recover. Recover in what sense - meaning both partners have return to a normal satisfying sex life. MAybe yours is in the early stage and fixable. Have you let your W know that this is not acceptable? Being "pressured into sex" with your H/W? That is just not right under normal circumstances, we are married and SEX is a huge factor in gaging the health of a marriage / long term relationship. Here are my specific suggestions: 1. Tell her that it is normal for H/W to have sex regularly it is part of being married. 2. Let her know it is hurting you her refusals. 3. Ask her why she is refusing? Is something else going on? I have learned at least this much: marriage is work and both parties must be willing to put effort in. I am not sure all the "gimicks" work but maybe (take her to romantic dinner, flowers, let her feel loved appreciated somehow by acts of love towards her, little presents, make her breakfast in bed, etc.) I am not sure if it will work but worth a try. McRoomMate thank you for the suggestions. As for letting my W know that this is unacceptable, we've been in counseling for 8 months. One particular session the counselor put her pen and pad down, looked right at my W and said "Ok. You have lot of excuses for not having sex." The acts of love i.e. dinner, flowers, presents (from places I visit), breakfast went nowhere. I guess it's about the "why chasing". 17 years of marriage and I've reached the crossroads in this relationship. I'm wondering if the pressure comment is a way of controlling in a SM. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 9, 2017 18:45:21 GMT -5
From the outside looking in . . . you seem to be in the right place. When new here I was told "welcome to the Elephant Graveyard of worst dysfunctional marriages". You are on the road and back and she is too busy / exhausted with everything else? After a few weeks on this Forum and research, I have learned that Sexless Marriage (SM) have a pretty brutal rate of success, perhaps like 0.5% recover. Recover in what sense - meaning both partners have return to a normal satisfying sex life. MAybe yours is in the early stage and fixable. Have you let your W know that this is not acceptable? Being "pressured into sex" with your H/W? That is just not right under normal circumstances, we are married and SEX is a huge factor in gaging the health of a marriage / long term relationship. Here are my specific suggestions: 1. Tell her that it is normal for H/W to have sex regularly it is part of being married. 2. Let her know it is hurting you her refusals. 3. Ask her why she is refusing? Is something else going on? I have learned at least this much: marriage is work and both parties must be willing to put effort in. I am not sure all the "gimicks" work but maybe (take her to romantic dinner, flowers, let her feel loved appreciated somehow by acts of love towards her, little presents, make her breakfast in bed, etc.) I am not sure if it will work but worth a try. McRoomMate thank you for the suggestions. As for letting my W know that this is unacceptable, we've been in counseling for 8 months. One particular session the counselor put her pen and pad down, looked right at my W and said "Ok. You have lot of excuses for not having sex." The acts of love i.e. dinner, flowers, presents (from places I visit), breakfast went nowhere. I guess it's about the "why chasing". 17 years of marriage and I've reached the crossroads in this relationship. I'm wondering if the pressure comment is a way of controlling in a SM. Good Lord. 8 months of counseling? And still SM like this? OK more facts - it sounds like you are going above and beyond the call of duty and making huge efforts. Frankly, this looks like your W is not willing to engage in Sex. Is it just lack of Sex? Is there intimacy? Do you still share any passion together? Or totally dead/ zombie "Room mate" marriage (mine is pretty much Room Mate "marriage"). |
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Post by unmatched on Feb 9, 2017 18:47:06 GMT -5
It probably is what she feels. I think that would be pretty normal for the low libido spouse, and it can play a big part in further reducing someone's sex drive. Like a vicious circle. The problem is, if she won't honestly examine her own feelings about having sex with you and open them up for discussion then you are not going anywhere. In the end if she doesn't want it then she doesn't want it. And if SHE doesn't want to do anything about that then it isn't ever going to get better by itself.
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cavu
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Posts: 16
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Post by cavu on Feb 9, 2017 19:05:45 GMT -5
Good Lord. 8 months of counseling? And still SM like this? OK more facts - it sounds like you are going above and beyond the call of duty and making huge efforts. Frankly, this looks like your W is not willing to engage in Sex. Is it just lack of Sex? Is there intimacy? Do you still share any passion together? Or totally dead/ zombie "Room mate" marriage (mine is pretty much Room Mate "marriage"). Sex/Intimacy, in my view, is gone. I've asked my W many times to "tell me your hopes, your dreams, your fears". Instead, I just get casual conversation or watch her continuously immerse herself in social media. Her iPhone gets more attention from her than our kids or myself. Sad really! It's more of a coexistence. A rudderless ship. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 9, 2017 19:16:43 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home. So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond? It's their perception, even if it isn't reality. Yes, I've dealt with this, not that I got anywhere beyond shining a light on it. At one point amongst many different ideas, I completely pulled back from touching, comments, initiating - i.e., totally hands-off. Months later at a couples session, she starts in about how she constantly feels pressured for sex. When I enlightened her to the facts, she just went silent. And while I wish the therapist had latched onto this to drive a point, she failed to. Point being, my wife got an idea stuck in her head about how I was wronging her, and charged on ahead with full justification. Not terribly interested in rechecking the current facts, once a convenient excuse has been found. So, yes, you very probably pressured her for sex at some point (or she imagined it because she felt guilty about not doing what she knew she should). And once she latched onto that idea, she's been riding it irrespective of the current reality. It's not so much about reality -- it's more about them not wanting something and finding an excuse to avoid it. |
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cavu
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Posts: 16
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Post by cavu on Feb 9, 2017 19:18:50 GMT -5
It probably is what she feels. I think that would be pretty normal for the low libido spouse, and it can play a big part in further reducing someone's sex drive. Like a vicious circle. The problem is, if she won't honestly examine her own feelings about having sex with you and open them up for discussion then you are not going anywhere. In the end if she doesn't want it then she doesn't want it. And if SHE doesn't want to do anything about that then it isn't ever going to get better by itself. Frustrating. Baffling. Last month we went to counseling and she saw the receipt for payment before that day's session. $150. You would think that cost, twice a month, would help to motivate a person to work on their issues. Nope. Of course, it comes out of my pocket........ |
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Post by kiltedpadre on Feb 9, 2017 19:33:34 GMT -5
I'm sure all of us here have heard that said in one form or another. "I'm tired of being pressured for sex," "do you ever think of anything other than sex," etc. It's a function of how little it takes for a refuser to feel pushed when they'd be perfectly happy with sex once a day if ever again. The last time I was asked if I needed to talk to a therapist about sex addiction because "it's all you ever think about." That was around Thanksgiving, and at that point we hadn't had sex since May.
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cavu
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Posts: 16
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Post by cavu on Feb 9, 2017 19:35:19 GMT -5
".........(or she felt guilty about not doing what she knew she should). And once she latched onto that idea, she's been riding it irrespective of the current reality.
It's not so much about reality -- it's more about them not wanting something and finding an excuse to avoid it."
DryCreek - I agree. It's easier to blame someone else.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 9, 2017 19:43:16 GMT -5
".........(or she felt guilty about not doing what she knew she should). And once she latched onto that idea, she's been riding it irrespective of the current reality. It's not so much about reality -- it's more about them not wanting something and finding an excuse to avoid it." DryCreek - I agree. It's easier to blame someone else. Human nature..... |
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Post by baza on Feb 9, 2017 19:47:29 GMT -5
Claiming to be "under pressure" for sex is a bullshit argument.
But, it is an excellent 'get out clause' in a dysfunctional marriage.
Consider this -
The real pressure is on you, the refused spouse.
You pick up the vibe that your spouse is feeling under pressure for sex.
Result = no sex.
At a future date, when the paucity of sex is raised, and your spouse says "you never ask"
Result = no sex.
So you ask.
The response - "Now you're putting me under pressure for sex".
Result = no sex.
No Sex.
That is the refusive spouses aim, and the above is but one variant in how to achieve that.
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 9, 2017 19:57:03 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home. So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond? I would guess that many of us have heard that line. But it is easier to say and hear than the truth - she does not want to fuck you. The truth would keep you from chasing your tail and lead to a very uncomfortable position. |
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cavu
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by cavu on Feb 9, 2017 20:26:54 GMT -5
Has anyone here had their W or H say that they "feel pressured for sex"? I travel for work and sometimes I am gone for 4 or more days in a row. When I come home I really missed my W and, of course, I wanted sex and physical intimacy. Sure kids and life can get in the way but I'm at a loss as to how someone can "feel pressure" when the other spouse isn't home every night. So, I back off and days go by. Before you know it, it's time to go back on the road and there was no intimacy the whole time I was home. So, has anyone dealt with the comment of "I feel pressured for sex" and how did you respond? I would guess that many of us have heard that line. But it is easier to say and hear than the truth - she does not want to fuck you. The truth would keep you from chasing your tail and lead to a very uncomfortable position. Sobering....... |
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