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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2017 10:17:18 GMT -5
I really don't care what a refuser's opinion is on this subject. Just as a person who only hits someone for the victim's own good, the opinion of the refuser is irrelevant. If you have been refused for long enough that you have felt unattractive or unloved, you have been abused.
No apologies to any refusers who might read this.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 6, 2017 11:31:52 GMT -5
I really don't care what a refuser's opinion is on this subject. Just as a person who only hits someone for the victim's own good, the opinion of the refuser is irrelevant. If you have been refused for long enough that you have felt unattractive or unloved, you have been abused. No apologies to any refusers who might read this. Unfortunately whilst this is true, it is not seen as abuse on a wide enough spectrum. In fact there are too many people out there who will deem the refuser as strong minded and courageous for standing strong when they are faced with unwanted initiation. |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 6, 2017 11:32:09 GMT -5
I really don't care what a refuser's opinion is on this subject. Just as a person who only hits someone for the victim's own good, the opinion of the refuser is irrelevant. If you have been refused for long enough that you have felt unattractive or unloved, you have been abused. No apologies to any refusers who might read this. Unfortunately whilst this is true, it is not seen as abuse on a wide enough spectrum. In fact there are too many people out there who will deem the refuser as strong minded and courageous for standing strong when they are faced with unwanted initiation. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2017 12:02:02 GMT -5
I really don't care what a refuser's opinion is on this subject. Just as a person who only hits someone for the victim's own good, the opinion of the refuser is irrelevant. If you have been refused for long enough that you have felt unattractive or unloved, you have been abused. No apologies to any refusers who might read this. Unfortunately whilst this is true, it is not seen as abuse on a wide enough spectrum. In fact there are too many people out there who will deem the refuser as strong minded and courageous for standing strong when they are faced with unwanted initiation. I understand your point, but anyone who would see sexual refusers this way is seriously demented. And I am betting that anyone with this perspective has never been refused for any length of time |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 6, 2017 12:44:16 GMT -5
Unfortunately whilst this is true, it is not seen as abuse on a wide enough spectrum. In fact there are too many people out there who will deem the refuser as strong minded and courageous for standing strong when they are faced with unwanted initiation. I understand your point, but anyone who would see sexual refusers this way is seriously demented. And I am betting that anyone with this perspective has never been refused for any length of time I agree. When a refuser starts being refused of things they want in a relationship, that's when in goes from a sexless marriage to a sexless shithole marriage because all connections are severed. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 6, 2017 13:17:04 GMT -5
I agree 110%!
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Post by iceman on Feb 6, 2017 14:27:13 GMT -5
Completely agree. Refusers are forcing their sexuality onto their partners, or lack of sexuality would be more accuarate. If I were to force my sexuality onto my wife and force her to have sex whenever I was in the mood it would be totally abusive on my part, not to mention that I'd most likely be arrested, and rightly so. While the opposite, as in forcing me to not have sex with my wife, is certainly not illegal in anyway, it is also abusive, not to the degree of forcing myself on her, but completely unacceptable just the same.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2017 14:43:33 GMT -5
I actually had a woman comment on my blog that by saying that a refuser is being unfaithful, I was advocating marital rape. I deleted the comment with a huge amount of sympathy for her husband, boyfriend, or anyone else unlucky enough to be involved with her.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 6, 2017 17:54:55 GMT -5
I agree. If you truly love your partner, then you would openly talk about the issues and try and work them out. As the old saying says, it's not the receiving of gifts that gives pleasure, it's the giving. Of course every relationship has ups and downs, but I feel any difficulties can be worked out by open and honest communication.
Maybe I am in cloud cuckoo land.
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Post by baza on Feb 6, 2017 21:01:10 GMT -5
In a marital scenario, sexual refusal is a full brother to sexual coercion.
They are both essentially the same thing, inflicting one persons will on to another.
And both are equally abusive.
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Post by unmatched on Feb 6, 2017 21:06:24 GMT -5
I might argue that it is less abusive than staying in a marriage which is deeply dissatisfying and doesn't feed your soul in any way. That is SELF-abuse of a much higher order.
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Post by baza on Feb 6, 2017 21:36:36 GMT -5
Fair point you raise Brother unmatched.
Abuse doesn't live in a vacuum.
It requires an abuser, AND an abusee to work.
If the abusee vacates the scene, the abuse can not sustain itself.
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 6, 2017 23:14:02 GMT -5
I recently confided in a nurse that I work with that I am in a sexless marriage. She had suggested that I go to therapy a while back to talk about my abandonment issues. Well, I have now signed up to start therapy on February 16th and I told her that I had signed up. She said "Good! You realize this is abusive right?"
It's not that I didn't recognize this at a knowledge level. It's what got me back to the board after all these years. But it wasn't until some recent extremely painful event that I fully actualized it and saw it with unclouded eyes for exactly what it is.
RC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2017 23:25:28 GMT -5
I confess, I don't really like the term "abuse" for sexual refusal. I think of it more as neglect, but I understand maybe in some cases it constitutes emotional abuse.
Even so, I hate to think of us all feeling like victims. I'll admit, I've been known to throw a pity party for myself like no other (How could he treat me so poorly? I've been abused and neglected and gaslighted and lied to and manipulated, etc., ad nauseum). I am guilty as charged of playing the "poor me victim" card.
However, at the end of the day, I'm the one who didn't think I deserved better all these years. I'm the one who stayed and allowed it. I'm the one who didn't stand up to it. I'm the one who didn't teach him how to treat me. I have to own my part. I'm working on that lately. And part of it is dropping the victim role. It just doesn't serve me.
Maybe it doesn't serve any of us. Along with victim-hood goes grief, anger, bitterness, and a whole host of negative emotions. I think ideally, we let ourselves feel and acknowledge those things (which we are justified in doing!) but then we move on. Carrying all that negativity is only going to come back and hurt us in the long run.
Just my 2 cents.
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Post by baza on Feb 7, 2017 0:00:33 GMT -5
Highly valuable 2c it is Sister elle.
The first step forward comes when we shed our victim status.
Where we acknowledge that we are in our ILIASM shithole by our own choice.
Where we cease taking our spouses inventory of faults, and put the spotlight squarely on ourselves, and why we are tolerating the situation.
Where we realise that - although incredibly difficult to do - we could walk away from the situation.
Doesn't mean that we "should" walk away, just means that we acknowledge that we "could".
And out of such breakout thinking, big things can follow.
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