cavu
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by cavu on Feb 4, 2017 22:47:45 GMT -5
I was reading a post today talking about which phase of the SM one was in. I realize everybody is different but it starteded me thinking: From start (realiziation of the SM) to finish (reconciliation/divorce), what kind of phases do/did you all go through?
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Post by baza on Feb 4, 2017 23:07:25 GMT -5
I reckon the stages are not dis-similar to grief. 1. Denial and isolation 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance
1. Denial and isolation - being where you don't believe it is happening. 2. Anger - that it IS happening 3. Bargaining - where you hope to avert it happening 4. Depression - where you know it's going to happen 5. Acceptance - when it has happened
#1 in here is often referred to as the "everything is great bar the sex" phase. #2 is usually where the member recounts assorted tales of what a dud their spouse is #3 is akin to the "why chasing" stage observed in here a lot (in the early days at least) #4 is pretty much self explanatory #5 is where you start making preparations for the end of the deal.
These stages don't follow in linear fashion. There is often jumping around them in no particular order, and revisiting each many times.
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Phases
Feb 4, 2017 23:10:19 GMT -5
Post by thebaffledking on Feb 4, 2017 23:10:19 GMT -5
^^THIS^^
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 4, 2017 23:29:18 GMT -5
I was reading a post today talking about which phase of the SM one was in. I realize everybody is different but it starteded me thinking: From start (realiziation of the SM) to finish (reconciliation/divorce), what kind of phases do/did you all go through? 1. Realization 2. Decide it is not acceptable 3. Mention Divorce 4. Learn fate: Divorce or Reconciliation 5. The unknown---Life goes on
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 23:53:33 GMT -5
What Baza said. Especially in regard to it not being linear.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 5, 2017 0:02:15 GMT -5
Here's an added bonus.
Intimacy = communication. comunication = trust.
The glue that holds the marriage together.
No intimacy = no communication. No communication = no trust. No trust = divorce.
(Like lucy with the football.)
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 5, 2017 5:14:50 GMT -5
I like baza's description of this! It's very close to the mark 1. Denial and isolation - I constantly made excuses for my W as to why this was happening...new job and therefore new stresses, engaged and concentrating on wedding, too comfortable but we'll get it back in time 2. Anger - for me, anger should be exchanged with depression as the anger came later 3. Bargaining - when I started to take on more and more chores to the the point that I did everything, hoping it would encourage her to be more active and reducing the excuses available 4. Depression - here's where I got angry and ultimately where it went bad for a while as I lost all patience. 5. Acceptance - not quite there yet but almost
Finally, I don't know where to fit it in but there should also be a space for withdrawal. After around 12-18 months of not hav hardly any sex I became an uninterested husband which made things worse. Even when she wasn't isolating me I had 0 interest in being around her unless it suited me.
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cavu
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by cavu on Feb 5, 2017 14:02:42 GMT -5
For myself it was:
1) Anger: over the state of the marriage 2) Fear/Frustration/Panic: when it sets in that this is VERY serious 3) It's my fault: give in to the spouses controlling nature 4) Depression: why chasing and sadness 5) Give up: realizing you can't save the marriage alone
"Finally, I don't know where to fit it in but there should also be a space for withdrawal. After around 12-18 months of not hav hardly any sex I became an uninterested husband which made things worse. Even when she wasn't isolating me I had 0 interest in being around her unless it suited me."
I agree with the above by rejected101. Maybe this would fit in at 4.5?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2017 17:25:46 GMT -5
Well, for me, the stages lasted 28 years. I went through all of them, many times, in all kinds of orders.
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