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Post by tinymouse on Apr 25, 2016 8:55:36 GMT -5
I have my first therapy appointment through EAP today. My goal is to focus in healing from my childhood abuse inflicted by my mother and from sexless marriage. I divorced 6 years ago. Am remarried with a baby, but I didnt heal. How can I when no one seems to understand. This is my second attempt, first one was a few years back and counselor was beyond horrible. I'm nervous. I don't know what will happen.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2016 9:34:54 GMT -5
I'm sorry you had a bad experience in therapy. I hope this time you get someone who will really help you, but don't be afraid to change counselors if this one doesn't feel right. You need to have someone you can trust and feel comfortable with. You already have a specific goal and that's really helpful when you're heading into counseling. Also keep in mind that those first couple of appointments are mostly the therapist getting to know you and your situation, so you may not get any blinding insights right away. It's so normal to be nervous in a situation like this! Sending you a big hug!
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Post by tinymouse on May 25, 2016 11:31:33 GMT -5
So on the 3rd session this past Monday we finally got into the issues with my ex. I gave her the jist. The neglect, the porn addiction, the mental abuse, the sexless marriage and the fact that he was a gold digger. I explained how he acted a victim after divorce and talked shit to mutual friends who I ended up losing. How I didn't get a closure because I just wanted a quick divorce but how me telling him it was his fault would not have made a dent. How I was angry at him for hurting me and for taking advantage of me. But that I am also angry that I was stupid enough to fall for it and not get out sooner. She did basically tell me everything that I logically know. That it's no reflection on me or my intelligence. That he was the scumbag.
But... I logically know that. But it still won't go away. The damage. I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to just let it go.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 12:14:32 GMT -5
Please tell us how it goes.
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therapy
May 25, 2016 12:45:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 12:45:09 GMT -5
tinymouse good on you for going back into therapy. Please, please, please allow yourself TIME to uncover all the difficult things that have resulted from a lifetime of oppression/abuse. It has taken you this many years to reach the point where you are - it's going to take time and patience. Be gentle with yourself, please. (If it helps, I tell folks to speak to themselves as if they were a trusted stranger to promote positive self-talk).
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therapy
May 25, 2016 13:45:24 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 13:45:24 GMT -5
tinymouse good on you for going back into therapy. Please, please, please allow yourself TIME to uncover all the difficult things that have resulted from a lifetime of oppression/abuse. It has taken you this many years to reach the point where you are - it's going to take time and patience. Be gentle with yourself, please. (If it helps, I tell folks to speak to themselves as if they were a trusted stranger to promote positive self-talk). Yes, time. As in years. |
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therapy
May 25, 2016 14:19:11 GMT -5
Post by Dan on May 25, 2016 14:19:11 GMT -5
I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to just let it go. Talk, talk, talk it out. Tell her (your therapist) EVERYTHING. Every detail... true or at least as you remember it. Don't worry too much about the objective truth; just blurt out the facts and feelings as you remember them. Don't be afraid to contradict yourself. (If you catch yourself, you can correct yourself. If she "catches" you, if she's good, she'll gently ask you to decide which you mean more.) Don't be concerned about her judging you. (If she's good, she's heard it ALL before... and she will be very professional in handling details that you think don't reflect well.) The main point is: put it ALL out on the table. This may take time: sounds like you have a lot of stuff... not to mention you are recovering from a prior bad therapist! (You might still be developing trust with this one.) A lot of time, just SPEAKING something that has been eating at you is 80% of the solution. Saying out loud gets it off your chest; maybe lets you cry; or uncover a BIGGER point; or -- sometimes -- it doesn't sound so "big" once you say it out loud. Putting stuff on the table is how you both go about sorting through your stuff. Some of the stuff she'll say "you were in the right". Some of the stuff she'll confidently say "oh, don't worry about THAT... that is small potatoes". And: she'll help you focus on the stuff you need still need to work on. Perhaps this is the best summary: be patient and kind to yourself in the process. I wish you the best... |
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therapy
May 25, 2016 15:02:29 GMT -5
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Post by tinymouse on May 25, 2016 15:02:29 GMT -5
Unfortunately I only have one more session. I'd have to take off work to go see her after that and I can't do that. And my husband is tired of hearing about it. And going through it just makes me pissed all over. I just wish it was possible to forget.
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Post by Dan on May 25, 2016 16:19:07 GMT -5
I just wish it was possible to forget. Doesn't really work that way. (Don't try booze; it's "forgetful" powers are overrated....) You can't simply forget you troubles. You have to talk them away. Put them on the table, and let the breeze of compassionate conversation help them dry out and evaporate -- over time. I recall EAP is a program that employers have for short term assistance... like bereavement. My company's plan only covered 5 visits under EAP. Your health insurance probably also covers mental health care (including talk therapy) with few limits. Have you checked? Does it give you access to more potential therapists? With better availability? And who cares what your husband has to say about you going to therapy? If he doesn't want to hear about it... don't tell him, just go! |
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Post by unmatched on May 25, 2016 19:27:27 GMT -5
You can't forget your childhood and you can't forget your SM, they are a part of who you are. But you can come to understand them better and particularly to understand yourself better and you can in time come to let go of some of the anger and pain that are associated with them. I am sorry you only have one more session. If you like this therapist, can you find a way to see her outside of work? If not, can you see somebody else or maybe find a support group of some kind in your area. Any kind of 'self development' group that you are comfortable with would probably be helpful.
Also I am sure that your husband would like this to all go away, but try to explain to him that this is not an issue to be resolved, it is a part of who you are (especially the childhood stuff) and you need to explore it and work with it in order to be able to live your life more fully. If he doesn't get it, too bad. And if he doesn't care enough about you to try and understand, tell him that is how you feel.
If you can't do any of that, writing can help a lot. Journal all your thoughts and feelings, and write down everything that goes through your head without censoring it. Then you can come back a few days later and reread it and it will give you a lot of insight into your thought processes. Or post lots of stuff here - it is good to get it out, and you will get all kinds of interesting and varied thoughts coming back at you. Some of them might even be helpful!
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Post by obobfla on May 25, 2016 19:53:51 GMT -5
Twenty-one years ago, I realized I had a problem with alcohol and started going to AA meetings. While there, they gave me the "Big Book," which is pretty much the original Bible of recovery programs. In that book, I found two paragraphs that changed my life. The paragraphs were originally on page 449, but they have been moved to page 417 on the last reprint. It is the closest thing I have found to the secret of life:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.
I am not saying accept a celibate marriage. We can change that. But we cannot change our spouses or our parents. They are who they are.
Sorry if this seems like a hijack. But I have been in therapy and support groups over my SM. The acceptance is the start of successful therapy, no matter what therapist you see.
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therapy
May 26, 2016 9:59:17 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tinymouse on May 26, 2016 9:59:17 GMT -5
I just wish it was possible to forget. Doesn't really work that way. (Don't try booze; it's "forgetful" powers are overrated....) You can't simply forget you troubles. You have to talk them away. Put them on the table, and let the breeze of compassionate conversation help them dry out and evaporate -- over time. I recall EAP is a program that employers have for short term assistance... like bereavement. My company's plan only covered 5 visits under EAP. Your health insurance probably also covers mental health care (including talk therapy) with few limits. Have you checked? Does it give you access to more potential therapists? With better availability? And who cares what your husband has to say about you going to therapy? If he doesn't want to hear about it... don't tell him, just go! I am doing EAP right now. Problem is that all therapists here only work until 5, and so am I. My husband is happy that I'm doing therapy, but he was tired of hearing me go on and on about my ex and continue analyzing everything. But I might tell him that I need to do it. It just lay everything out to a friend and explain that I just need to do it to heal. |
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therapy
May 27, 2016 21:43:46 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tinymouse on May 27, 2016 21:43:46 GMT -5
Had my last session today. We went over more and I told her what I told you guys. That I logically get it. I just don't want to be angry and hurt anymore. Don't want to think about it. Want to leave past in the past. We talked more about my body Image how due to my ex and due to things my mother said I am very insecure and how I hate my body changing since baby (although really not as much as I imagine) but that at the same time I do think that my body is great since it carried and birthed a healthy baby and my boobs and though small were able and still nursed the baby without a drop of formula. At the same time it'd be nice if my bras saId Victorias Secret instead of little cutie although this does allow me to pay only $3 instead of $20. And that it doesn't really affect my sex life with my hubby. But when sex declined due to baby and being tired, there are intrusive thoughts of are we in danger of sexless marriage. So while I'm coping ok in most ways, it's still affecting me. And I want it to stop.
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therapy
May 28, 2016 20:15:14 GMT -5
Post by snowman12345 on May 28, 2016 20:15:14 GMT -5
tinymouse, I don't know you very well, but to have to carry the burden those two people placed on you is awful. Maybe if you visualized it as their baggage - not yours - you could start to put it down. One bag at a time. Look at one thing at a time and deal with that thing until you can put it down. You can't expect to heal overnight, and you can't expect it to all go away at once. Give yourself some credit, you left the sexless marriage to save your sanity - you had the strength to do that. Raising kids is no bowl of cherries either!
One baby step at a time. Good luck and peace to you.
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