|
|
Post by sarleah on Feb 1, 2017 22:09:23 GMT -5
Im so glad I found this group. It has helped me not feel so alone. Especially as a sexually starved 26 year old women.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. The first year of our marriage I knew in my gut something was wrong. He barely touched me, and even through all my attempts of lingerie, cooking naked, you name it. He rarely could get an erection. I confronted him and he confessed he has a serious addiction to porn. He has looked at it everyday, several times a day since age 9.
I felt betrayed on so many levels. Mostly though, because we did did pre-marital counseling prior to marriage. This was brought up and he lied, and lied.
Through the years the porn as always been a problem. I rarely get sex and when I do it's because I've begged and cried. Making me feel pathetic. Like it's a pity screw and even then he usually can't maintain an erections. He's even faked orgasm. And let me just say, I'm a size 2, good looking woman. He genuinely has tried to kick the porn problem. Even getting rid of his smart phone and using an ancient old flip phone. But the sex is always the same. Non existent and if it exsists at all it's always on his terms. I cannot initiate. I'm always turned down.
I went as for to make him his own book for a professional boudoir photos of me to see if it helped. It didn't. It's been another 6 months since we attempted
Sex, which he couldn't get an erection.
Last night I woke up to him laying next to me in the dark playing with himself. I tried to use this as an attempt to maybe get some action. Kissing me etc. He pushed me away and rolled onto his stomach saying he was tired.
I die inside each time.
The hard thing is, our marriage is great with any surface area topic. Money, house work, careers, etc. We make a great team. My example is this, we built a dresser together from ikea. It was extensive and took time. We never fought, we helped each other and built a dresser. But at the end, all we had was an empty dresser. My marriage is an empty dresser.
I have zero emotional and physical intimacy with my husband. It feels like a black hole is slowly swallowing me.
He knows how I feel, its been an ongoing problem for years. Yet nothing changes. He says the porn problem is getting better, but I still rarely get laid and when I do it's quick, he's in and out and usually fakes an orgasm.
I need physical intimacy. I never realized how much a person needs that. I much it effects my psyche, and my self esteem. I need it. I'm so lonely. It literally kills me to hear my friends complain about how much sex their husbands want. If I get any a few times a year I'm lucky.
I don't know what to do. I can't force him to want to have sex with me. I can't make him change or even care. I have zero control over my own sex life. How did his become my marriage, my life.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 22:22:51 GMT -5
I am so sorry to hear this. I know what you mean about feeling deceived. My W told me that after the wedding we would be having frequent satisfying sex. However, she refused me on the wedding night and we only kind of had sex once on the honeymoon. She told me it was ridiculous to expect sex on the honeymoon.
You don't mention if you have kids. If not, please take precautions to avoid getting pregnant. Sometimes, if you show dissatisfaction with a refuser, he/she will try for a pregnancy to make leaving that much harder if it gets to that point.
All I can say is that you are not alone.
|
|
|
|
Post by sarleah on Feb 1, 2017 22:43:15 GMT -5
I'm actually pregnant. I want to be happy for this baby but I'm also devastated.
He told me today he doesn't believe she is his since we rarely have sex and wants a DNA test. I've never cheated on him. Ever. He can have his DNA test come June.
I explained once again to him I really need fidelity, honesty and intimacy in this marriage. It turned into a complete mess. Denying our child, and trying to manipulate the situation so it's my fault. Not his. I made my needs clear prior to marriage, and I don't feel I'm asking for a lot.
I feel trapped. I'm financially independent and have a great career as a nurse, but my work offers no insurance. I need his insurance at least until I deliver.
Most our friends and family think we are just this amazing power couple. It's so far from true. This marriage is a sham.
I'm just worried that the grass isn't greener and I need to except this is where my marriage is and I have no control to fix this.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 22:58:00 GMT -5
I'm actually pregnant. I want to be happy for this baby but I'm also devastated. He told me today he doesn't believe she is his since we rarely have sex and wants a DNA test. I've never cheated on him. Ever. He can have his DNA test come June. I explained once again to him I really need fidelity, honesty and intimacy in this marriage. It turned into a complete mess. Denying our child, and trying to manipulate the situation so it's my fault. Not his. I made my needs clear prior to marriage, and I don't feel I'm asking for a lot. I feel trapped. I'm financially independent and have a great career as a nurse, but my work offers no insurance. I need his insurance at least until I deliver. Most our friends and family think we are just this amazing power couple. It's so far from true. This marriage is a sham. I'm just worried that the grass isn't greener and I need to except this is where my marriage is and I have no control to fix this. Ok, I have to say that this marriage sounds a bit abusive. There is no reason to deny a child. I am so sorry for your situation. My daughter is a nurse. She does very well, and is very respected. She worked in a hospital and had really good insurance. If the marriage doesn't survive, you will easily be able to be self sufficient. As to the grass not being greener, unless you have been deceptive here, another relationship will almost certainly be better, at least in the sexual arena. A normal man in his 20s will almost always prefer a warm, responsive woman to a two dimensional image in porn. Also, please read this tread. It is from my blog and I hope it will be encouraging... iliasm.org/thread/2246/encouragement |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 1, 2017 23:25:25 GMT -5
You got well and truly "baited and switched".
There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring porn over a live partner. Some people are just wired that way and it is a valid a preference as heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and all the other versions of ---uality. Sexually, that is who he is.
The true problen here is that he is a bald faced deliberate and manipulative lying prick. And has been from the get go.
Presumably by now, after 6 years, there has been a kid to further complicate things (if there hasn't, then run like your hair is on fire would be my suggestion)
It would be a good idea to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and from that info put together an exit strategy and get it into do-able shape.
If this person will lie outright to you over a fundamental and vital marital expectation, what the F else does he lie about ?
Addendum.
I see that there is to be a kid fairly shortly.
And I see he lies about his possible paternity.
What a prize this bloke has turned out to be.
See a lawyer Sister sarleah. Real soon.
|
|
|
|
Post by rejected101 on Feb 2, 2017 5:08:06 GMT -5
I'm actually pregnant. I want to be happy for this baby but I'm also devastated. He told me today he doesn't believe she is his since we rarely have sex and wants a DNA test. I've never cheated on him. Ever. He can have his DNA test come June. I explained once again to him I really need fidelity, honesty and intimacy in this marriage. It turned into a complete mess. Denying our child, and trying to manipulate the situation so it's my fault. Not his. I made my needs clear prior to marriage, and I don't feel I'm asking for a lot. I feel trapped. I'm financially independent and have a great career as a nurse, but my work offers no insurance. I need his insurance at least until I deliver. Most our friends and family think we are just this amazing power couple. It's so far from true. This marriage is a sham. I'm just worried that the grass isn't greener and I need to except this is where my marriage is and I have no control to fix this. I don't usually condone or promote cheating but what an arse hole he sounds! Perhaps you should have cheated to give him an idea of how it feels. I'm not quite in the same boat as you but my W does use porn here and there (only twice may three times a month at most) and then she declines most of my advances. Over the years I've initiated less and less. So long story short, I know some of how you feel and I felt like it was cheating. I'm sorry for your hardship. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 2, 2017 6:10:13 GMT -5
Stay with him until you deliver the baby. Focus on yourself and the baby.
Seek a support network, family and friends.
Go see an attorney but don't tell him. Work on your exit strategy which needs to include a DNA test so that you will get child support for the next 18 years, unless you make more then you might have to pay him in which case I wouldn't get the DNA test or acknowledge him as the father.
As far as you'd marriage - he deceived you and he doesn't deserve you.
Run don't walk away!!
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Feb 2, 2017 9:32:29 GMT -5
In my brief few years of reading stories from those in a SM this is probably one of the most egregious I have come across. Your H sounds like he is intimacy averse. You do not mention any other forms of affection and the conversations you related read like he is purposely keeping himself at a distance from you and the future child. Self gratification while lying next to willing and eager spouse reinforces my opinion about his aversion to intimacy.
A porn addiction can easily translate into objectifying you as a woman. His denial of the child is also an indication that he feels no emotional attachment toward the 2 of you. It also leads me to think there are perhaps some anger issues from your having become pregnant forcing him into a parental role he did not want. It doesn't read like this was planned and desired by either of you.
I am guessing you are not in the US. Nurses are in such shortage that insurance is a given as part of their compensation package. Perhaps you at in a US protectorate. If you are in the US most states have programs at the county level for pregnant women to receive prenatal and ongoing medical care for her and the child. You might look into this possibility.
Porn, like any addiction requires a long term commitment to treatment. There are few people who can self treat their addiction to a successful completion. He might best be helped by seeking therapy for this problem. But that's on him to take care of.
I know you'd like to believe everything would be better if you could just get the sex and intimacy element straightened out. I felt that way for a long time. Unfortunately it's unlikely that's the case. It doesn't read that there is really any strong bond between the 2 of you. He certainly has not bonded with your unborn child, something most fathers begin doing while the baby is still inutero. In your heart you knew things weren't right in the 1st year of marriage. "It's and ongoing problem and he knows how I feel, yet nothing changes". If it hasn't changed in the past 6 yrs. it isn't likely to change for the next 6 or even 16 or 26 as many here can attest.
I would concur with those above who recommend you speak with an attorney and begin the work of putting together a plan for a future life without your present H. Involve your family if you think they would be receptive to helping or least sympathetic. Start squirrelling away any money you can for future needs. Go online and research subjects dealing with starting over as a single mom. Contact child services and state or county services to see what help might be available. If you attend a church find out what support or outreach programs it has in place. Many churches have food pantries or other outreach programs and there are sure to be other women there who have run this gauntlet before.
Good luck and stay with us if you need us for emotional low points or timely information and advice.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 2, 2017 10:10:37 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Welcome to a club that nobody wants to be a member of.
I can tell you one thing. I got married at age 24. We will be married 20 years this summer. I told her I wanted a divorce a week ago. I hate to tell you this, but you can comb the archives here, and it almost always goes in one direction...worse.
The baby on the way does complicate things, but the situation is what it is. I would agree with bballgirl. Cherish the new life you're bringing into this world, but start working on leaving the guy (not man) who gave you this gift.
I also agree with Baza. Visit a lawyer (don't tell him), and see how a divorce would shake out.
Again, so sorry to hear this with you so young. However, at least you may be realizing this early enough so you don't wake up 20 years later wondering where the most vigorous years of your life have gone.
|
|
|
|
Post by sunniedays on Feb 2, 2017 10:44:55 GMT -5
"Our marriage is great on a surface level."
Then,
"He told me today he doesn't believe she is his since we rarely have sex and wants a DNA test."
Doesn't sound anywhere near "great."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2017 10:50:39 GMT -5
Sarleah,
I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship. It must be extremely tough to go through this. Just so you know, most men would love to have a wife who wore lingerie and wanted to please them.
You're husband is a jerk and a liar. He had no right to tell you one thing and marry you with his problems.
Get out while you can. Add 18 more years of the loneliness to what you feel now. It's only going to get worse. You'll have to become numb as a coping mechanism. It's not being true to yourself or your child.
|
|
flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by flowerdust on Feb 2, 2017 11:00:49 GMT -5
Stay with him until you deliver the baby. Focus on yourself and the baby. Seek a support network, family and friends. Go see an attorney but don't tell him. Work on your exit strategy which needs to include a DNA test so that you will get child support for the next 18 years, unless you make more then you might have to pay him in which case I wouldn't get the DNA test or acknowledge him as the father. As far as you'd marriage - he deceived you and he doesn't deserve you. Run don't walk away!! I so agree. You are so young you will find someone who loves you and your baby. You so do not need this guy. I have to ask though you are a nurse and you do not have insurance Nurses here in Canada have amazing insurance. I realize other counties may be different but you may want to look into it further |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Feb 2, 2017 12:10:46 GMT -5
Im so glad I found this group. It has helped me not feel so alone. Especially as a sexually starved 26 year old women. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. The first year of our marriage I knew in my gut something was wrong. He barely touched me, and even through all my attempts of lingerie, cooking naked, you name it. He rarely could get an erection. I confronted him and he confessed he has a serious addiction to porn. He has looked at it everyday, several times a day since age 9. I felt betrayed on so many levels. Mostly though, because we did did pre-marital counseling prior to marriage. This was brought up and he lied, and lied. Through the years the porn as always been a problem. I rarely get sex and when I do it's because I've begged and cried. Making me feel pathetic. Like it's a pity screw and even then he usually can't maintain an erections. He's even faked orgasm. And let me just say, I'm a size 2, good looking woman. He genuinely has tried to kick the porn problem. Even getting rid of his smart phone and using an ancient old flip phone. But the sex is always the same. Non existent and if it exsists at all it's always on his terms. I cannot initiate. I'm always turned down. I went as for to make him his own book for a professional boudoir photos of me to see if it helped. It didn't. It's been another 6 months since we attempted Sex, which he couldn't get an erection. Last night I woke up to him laying next to me in the dark playing with himself. I tried to use this as an attempt to maybe get some action. Kissing me etc. He pushed me away and rolled onto his stomach saying he was tired. I die inside each time. The hard thing is, our marriage is great with any surface area topic. Money, house work, careers, etc. We make a great team. My example is this, we built a dresser together from ikea. It was extensive and took time. We never fought, we helped each other and built a dresser. But at the end, all we had was an empty dresser. My marriage is an empty dresser. I have zero emotional and physical intimacy with my husband. It feels like a black hole is slowly swallowing me. He knows how I feel, its been an ongoing problem for years. Yet nothing changes. He says the porn problem is getting better, but I still rarely get laid and when I do it's quick, he's in and out and usually fakes an orgasm. I need physical intimacy. I never realized how much a person needs that. I much it effects my psyche, and my self esteem. I need it. I'm so lonely. It literally kills me to hear my friends complain about how much sex their husbands want. If I get any a few times a year I'm lucky. I don't know what to do. I can't force him to want to have sex with me. I can't make him change or even care. I have zero control over my own sex life. How did his become my marriage, my life. Hold on. I stopped reading at "cooking naked" I'll be back. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Feb 2, 2017 12:35:34 GMT -5
sarleahOkay, I'm back. Here's the issue as I see it. He has an addiction issue that he isn't willing to address. This addiction is affecting you and your marriage. Here's a little test: Would YOU be willing to watch it with him? If so would HE being agreeable to that? Because if not, then it the problem isn't porn, it's something else. 
|
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Feb 2, 2017 12:54:24 GMT -5
Hi sarleah. I won't repeat what everyone else has said, but, please just know that there is nothing wrong with you. Easy for complete strangers to say this, right? Well, it's true - we've all been through very similar situations. Are your parents anywhere near you? Are they supportive? Can you go stay with them? I'm concerned about the welfare of you and your unborn baby. Stress during pregnancy is quite dangerous. Not to be intrusive, but, are you in the U.S.? @worksforme is correct - there are numerous State and Federal (and religious) entities that provide free medical care and support for you and the baby. Stress and pregnancy do not mix - I know this from personal experience. There is nothing you can do for your husband - his problems are internal yet he is making them your problems. - you can only take care of you, and your baby. |
|
