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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 1, 2017 9:43:04 GMT -5
Over the years my W will bring up something that she disapproves of and remind me of my inadequacies and failures as a Husband, Father, and generally as a human being. She also has said over the years - "And you will never see your children" as a threat should our marriage end for whatever reason, Yes I know parental rights etc. I am also reminded periodically about how inadequate and a disappointment I am - never openly just very cleverly mentioned - so it subtly gets registered into my subconsciousness. Actually, I am learning from you folks about "EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL" and the "FEAR OBLIGATION GUILT" (FOG) approach. I heard as well about "CONTROL" issues. I heard that "Love" might be how to get into a marriage, but "control" is what getting out of a marriage is all about. Our SM is pathetically hopeless so she controls on other things still relevant. Especially finances and things. If you do not know what "Emotional Blackmail" is or FOG (I did not until yesterday) - Wikipedia actually has a pretty good summary. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmailSo how is the Emotional Blackmail and FOG in your life. |
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Post by tamara68 on Feb 1, 2017 10:27:02 GMT -5
My stbx was expert in creating a FOG and has been causing Fear ("I will destroy you when you leave"), making me feel obligated (I have to stay, I have to take care of him, I have promised to take care of him, it is my duty to....,) and constantly making me feel guilty for everything that is not right in his life. iliasm.org/thread/787/emotional-blackmail |
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Post by LITW on Feb 1, 2017 11:29:51 GMT -5
Not so much fear, as Obligation (I made a promise-I have to keep it) and Guilt (how could you do that to me?) is what keeps me where I am. When my wife became aware of the emotional affair I was having 2 years ago, she made it quite clear she believed my only motivation for having the affair was to hurt her. (Nevermind the fact that I was hiding it from her) Anything I do that is outside of her expectations of me she perceives as a personal affront, and leads to "How could you do that to me???" So I watch my step and keep my mouth shut.
Perhaps that qualifies as emotional blackmail, but I have to admit, I am my own worst enemy. Every day my mind constantly replays memories of stupid things I did and mistakes I made, even ones I made 40 years ago. When I am under the hammer of self-recrimination, its easy to think that I don't deserve a happy sex life, and that I should be glad for what I can get. So, I guess you can say I am emotionally blackmailing myself too.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 1, 2017 11:42:04 GMT -5
Not so much fear, as Obligation (I made a promise-I have to keep it) and Guilt (how could you do that to me?) is what keeps me where I am. When my wife became aware of the emotional affair I was having 2 years ago, she made it quite clear she believed my only motivation for having the affair was to hurt her. (Nevermind the fact that I was hiding it from her) Anything I do that is outside of her expectations of me she perceives as a personal affront, and leads to "How could you do that to me???" So I watch my step and keep my mouth shut. Perhaps that qualifies as emotional blackmail, but I have to admit, I am my own worst enemy. Every day my mind constantly replays memories of stupid things I did and mistakes I made, even ones I made 40 years ago. When I am under the hammer of self-recrimination, its easy to think that I don't deserve a happy sex life, and that I should be glad for what I can get. So, I guess you can say I am emotionally blackmailing myself too. Wow, LITW, you took the words from my mouth! I am realising I have put myself down for years - feeling I don't deserve better. You do deserve better, and remember, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up about them, you are only human..... now I need to believe this myself!!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2017 12:07:17 GMT -5
Not so much fear, as Obligation (I made a promise-I have to keep it) and Guilt (how could you do that to me?) is what keeps me where I am. When my wife became aware of the emotional affair I was having 2 years ago, she made it quite clear she believed my only motivation for having the affair was to hurt her. (Nevermind the fact that I was hiding it from her) Anything I do that is outside of her expectations of me she perceives as a personal affront, and leads to "How could you do that to me???" So I watch my step and keep my mouth shut. Perhaps that qualifies as emotional blackmail, but I have to admit, I am my own worst enemy. Every day my mind constantly replays memories of stupid things I did and mistakes I made, even ones I made 40 years ago. When I am under the hammer of self-recrimination, its easy to think that I don't deserve a happy sex life, and that I should be glad for what I can get. So, I guess you can say I am emotionally blackmailing myself too. Ask yourself this, "would i be replaying memories from 40 yrs ago in my mind, If I knew I was getting divorced? If I knew that I would be single and my choices only affect myself, and I control my choices? If there is the opportunity to have some one else who respects me? I don't have a crystal ball to look into your future, however we can all look back to the past, and see where logic gives us excuses. Probably half of your life would not have happened had you lived logically. Think of times you have stepped out in faith/hope, and great things have happened in your life. Dating, marriage, family, houses, jobs, cars, etc.... Dead places are comfortable, but they get larger and larger, and eventually take over. Resurrection hurts. Loose it and let it go, set yourself free. |
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Feb 1, 2017 12:17:59 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2017 12:27:39 GMT -5
Not so much fear, as Obligation (I made a promise-I have to keep it) and Guilt (how could you do that to me?) is what keeps me where I am. When my wife became aware of the emotional affair I was having 2 years ago, she made it quite clear she believed my only motivation for having the affair was to hurt her. (Nevermind the fact that I was hiding it from her) Anything I do that is outside of her expectations of me she perceives as a personal affront, and leads to "How could you do that to me???" So I watch my step and keep my mouth shut. Perhaps that qualifies as emotional blackmail, but I have to admit, I am my own worst enemy. Every day my mind constantly replays memories of stupid things I did and mistakes I made, even ones I made 40 years ago. When I am under the hammer of self-recrimination, its easy to think that I don't deserve a happy sex life, and that I should be glad for what I can get. So, I guess you can say I am emotionally blackmailing myself too. Wow, LITW, you took the words from my mouth! I am realising I have put myself down for years - feeling I don't deserve better. You do deserve better, and remember, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up about them, you are only human..... now I need to believe this myself!!! Allow me to share some HOPE with you! (this does not have to do with sex, but it's along the same lines). My divorce has put me in a limbo mode towards employment.My head is full of negative, defeating doubts. (fear) My resume is too long. My resume is out of date. It will be years until I get full time anywhere. I will have to go back to school. That school is half way across the state. I am to old, no one's going to hire me. I need health care, that means full time. It's all "fill out an application on line" there's to much going on with this divorce for anyone to hire me....and on and on...... With a,"what have I got to loose, I am going to do this" attitude, I drove to the company I would like to work for and went inside. I met the manager. He gladly answered my questions. I didn't need my resume. They only hire full time. They don't work weekends. I don't have to go to school, I can study on line and pass my exam locally. There's nothing wrong with me ,or my age, I am plenty fit, and in good shape. Full benefits starting immediately. I am welcome to come back any time. Not all things work out this way, but you have to take the chance. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 12:30:54 GMT -5
Yes, my refuser used FOG all the time. She accused me of not loving my children, and told me I would go to HELL if I divorced her. She told me that SHE meant her vows, and I should stay with her until one of us died. And she constantly told me how hard it was on her not to have me around.
If you notice, she never said anything about what benefit there is to me of being married to her.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 1, 2017 17:33:28 GMT -5
Wow, greatcoastal that is fab! It just shows what we can do if we try.....
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Post by thebaffledking on Feb 1, 2017 17:46:52 GMT -5
So true. And it took me the longest time to understand that the perpetrator CAN do and say these things without thinking a thing about it. They're not trying to be assholes.....they're just working off their own peculiar wiring. They're being quite 'themselves'.
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2017 21:42:25 GMT -5
I remember a discussion at an outdoor cafe the day I left where my then missus said - "My lawyer says I could take you for everything".
I just smiled inwardly at this outburst.
All it meant was that -
(a) - either she hadn't even seen a lawyer.
(b) - or that if she had, then she picked the dumbest one in Australia.
But anyway, I enigmatically looked off in to the distance, took a sip of coffee, and allowed a very heavy and awkward silence to accrue.
Then I said - "You'd do that if you could would you ? If I was in any doubt about this (and I wasn't) that just made up my mind for me"
That was a nice bit of P.A. on my part don't you think ?
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Post by novembercomingfire on Feb 1, 2017 22:44:16 GMT -5
Over the years my W will bring up something that she disapproves of and remind me of my inadequacies and failures as a Husband, Father, and generally as a human being. She also has said over the years - "And you will never see your children" as a threat should our marriage end for whatever reason, Yes I know parental rights etc. I am also reminded periodically about how inadequate and a disappointment I am - never openly just very cleverly mentioned - so it subtly gets registered into my subconsciousness. Actually, I am learning from you folks about "EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL" and the "FEAR OBLIGATION GUILT" (FOG) approach. I heard as well about "CONTROL" issues. I heard that "Love" might be how to get into a marriage, but "control" is what getting out of a marriage is all about. Our SM is pathetically hopeless so she controls on other things still relevant. Especially finances and things. If you do not know what "Emotional Blackmail" is or FOG (I did not until yesterday) - Wikipedia actually has a pretty good summary. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmailSo how is the Emotional Blackmail and FOG in your life. Very heavy it is. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 2, 2017 1:54:52 GMT -5
greatcoastal Thank-you for that. One of the things you all are teaching and discussing is the DOING - yes we need to understand all the psychological underpinnings of the disfunction from "sorting our shit out" and learning about how we are manipulated by FOG / Emotional BlackMail and "Control", BUT and it is a big but - - - At the end of the Day it will be a question of Courage and ACTIONS fueled by Courage. I very much appreciate your experience on overcoming Obligation and Guilt and taking action and succeeding - yes not a guarantee but then again if we DO nothing, that is a guaranteed failure. So what have we to lose? Exactly.
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