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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 3:41:54 GMT -5
In the beginning say about 1 year into our relationship - we had gone from sex of 2 times a day to sex about 1 time a week. My W told me it was too much and she said 1 to 2 times a month is enough for her.
We continued for a few more weeks on a more frequent basis but She would just lay there and let me do my business.
That is really when things in the intimacy level took a dive off the cliff. I started outsourcing because "obligation" sex was horrible for me we had a baby together and I just got out of my first divorce with a very crazy manic-depressive alcoholic first wife. I though anything but a divorce - I will just outsource and be a good father and keep the peace with my sexless wife.
Now fast forward 10 years later - NOTHING in terms of a couple - no sex, no intimacy, no kissing, zero, nada.
We tried a couple of romantic dinners over the years but they were NOT followed by Sex - maybe a little kiss on the lips. And during the dinner I just a got a lecture on how inadequate I was.
Sex as a reward? Does not exist. I agree with the above quote "it sounds more like a negotiated transaction" - yes prostitution in a legal warped form. Horrible no thank you. Sorry to be honest it looks doomed.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 9:15:47 GMT -5
In the beginning say about 1 year into our relationship - we had gone from sex of 2 times a day to sex about 1 time a week. My W told me it was too much and she said 1 to 2 times a month is enough for her. We continued for a few more weeks on a more frequent basis but She would just lay there and let me do my business. That is really when things in the intimacy level took a dive off the cliff. I started outsourcing because "obligation" sex was horrible for me we had a baby together and I just got out of my first divorce with a very crazy manic-depressive alcoholic first wife. I though anything but a divorce - I will just outsource and be a good father and keep the peace with my sexless wife. Now fast forward 10 years later - NOTHING in terms of a couple - no sex, no intimacy, no kissing, zero, nada. We tried a couple of romantic dinners over the years but they were NOT followed by Sex - maybe a little kiss on the lips. And during the dinner I just a got a lecture on how inadequate I was. Sex as a reward? Does not exist. I agree with the above quote "it sounds more like a negotiated transaction" - yes prostitution in a legal warped form. Horrible no thank you. Sorry to be honest it looks doomed. I don't know about you but at some point for me the "romantic" dinners started to feel like a trip to the dentists office. Without the anesthesia. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 4, 2017 17:05:23 GMT -5
When I was in the bargaining phase i thought that if I were a better housekeeper, cook, conversationalist, smarter, prettier, fitter, maybe i would deserve to be made love to. It was a total mindfuck. As baza said "you fuck your spouse because you want to not because you have to." Looking at it square on was a hammer blow to my soul. It didn't matter what I did to try to deserve his love because it was his choice and it had nothing to do with me. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 17:18:21 GMT -5
I think the terminology is wrong it's "not sex as a reward" it's "sex as a weapon"
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Feb 4, 2017 17:29:33 GMT -5
Trial and error. Try the "scented candles" approach. Closely observe the results. Try the "counter refusing" approach. Closely observe the results. Try the "joint counselling" technique. Closely observe the results. Try the "taking on duties normally done by your spouse" experiment. Closely observe the results. Try the "date night" scenario, the "really talking" approach, the "losing weight (or gaining it)" method. Closely observe the results. Try whatever you like. And closely observe the results. If you are in a jaded marriage, one of the above will bring you a successful result (so keep repeating it) If you are in an ILIASM shithole, none of these things will work - in any sustainable way. If that is the case, then it is incumbent on you to really observe your results, and start making your next choices on the basis of your trial and error experiment. There is no point in continuing the experiment out any further. You have your result. Been there done that. all of it. enough times to probably be considered clinically insane (isn't a definition of insanity to continue to do the same thing and expect different results?). Sex as a reward? I don't ever recall having that. Lack of sex as punishment? Yep. Been given that treatment plenty. I guess in her mind she has me in constant and neverending punishment. It's my own personal hell and, although life is too short for this, for now I choose to live in it. My wife is crazy and cruel and everytime I am ready to leave my mind goes to my old friend Richard who suffered from depression and chemical dependency for years due to his father leaving him with a psychopathic mother. A woman probably like my wife. I stay to protect my children. It was a bad decision to marry her in the first place, but it was my decision and I guess I'm stuck with it for now. Sorry for the rant. |
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Post by solodriver on Feb 4, 2017 19:55:14 GMT -5
I used to do acts of service in the hopes that it would be noticed and appreciated and that it would create a desire for her to make love with me. I remember an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray was vacuuming the house and his wife said to him "Right now I am so turned on watching you!" I was hoping for the same reaction at some point from my wife. How stupid I was! TV shows are not reality no matter how much we wish! Like Baza has said "You fuck your spouse because YOU WANT TO!" And I realized she doesn't want to, and nothing that I do AT ALL is going to change that. It has to come from within her. The fact that she doesn't want to fuck me is like someone took a hammer and beat the shit out of my heart. It hurt for a long time! I felt like if she didn't want to fuck me, no woman would and what was my purpose on this earth for anymore? But after reading the other posts on EP and on this site, I realized the problem was not me. It was HER CHOICE to reject me sexually.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 20:01:19 GMT -5
I never truly believed this, but I'd be lying if I said there hadn't been times where I had wished it were true. I remember when our problems first got to the point that I started doing reading and generally researching it was a claim that came up quite a bit. Claims that the secret elixir for marital bliss was doing things to be romantic or help relieve stress for your partner. I actually read a book entitled something along the lines of "how to get your wife to have sex more often" which had more than one chapter on the subject. Let's just say it didn't take long to both discover these concepts weren't applicable to my situation, and that there was a good reason that book was only $1 on Amazon. Help more around the house they claim. Prepare a nice meal was another common statement. Well, I've always done around 90% of the cooking (and done it pretty well I might add). I already do all the laundry, and my share of the remaining housework. Toss in being a mechanic and general fixer, and I'd say I've met those claims. I find myself curious if the claim works in any marriage; it certainly doesn't work for the situation that brings folks here. My W when confronted and we agreed to a divorce . . . hours discussion later . . . she starts linking Sex/Intimacy to how I treat her and I am not showing enough respect and kindness - she said if I did not generally improve what should I expect? She said just "Go to a Whore" then unless I would change dramatically. She said she loved me too and I did not love her - I said I had a lot of toxic emotions and resentments built up and I did not know what was underneath. |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Feb 4, 2017 20:38:08 GMT -5
I had a lot of toxic emotions and resentments built up and I did not know what was underneath. Toxic emotions and resentment. i use those terms alot too. I could make a mountain out of that unhealthy baggage. |
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Post by LITW on Feb 8, 2017 14:07:32 GMT -5
I wrote a story about this on EP ... sex should never be a reward. When I was performing acts of service (Well, actually I still do because its my love language, I just have no expectations it will lead to sex) it very quickly became "more like a negotiated transaction", which made it less and less appealing. Its really hard to enjoy something that should have been given to you as a gift, but that you have to earn.
Call me silly, but I want a partner who wants me sexually without having to be convinced to want me.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 8, 2017 21:45:28 GMT -5
I wrote a story about this on EP ... sex should never be a reward. When I was performing acts of service (Well, actually I still do because its my love language, I just have no expectations it will lead to sex) it very quickly became "more like a negotiated transaction", which made it less and less appealing. Its really hard to enjoy something that should have been given to you as a gift, but that you have to earn. Call me silly, but I want a partner who wants me sexually without having to be convinced to want me. Silly (just kidding but you DID ask) |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 14:36:40 GMT -5
It's my own personal hell and, although life is too short for this, for now I choose to live in it. My wife is crazy and cruel and everytime I am ready to leave my mind goes to my old friend Richard who suffered from depression and chemical dependency for years due to his father leaving him with a psychopathic mother. A woman probably like my wife. I stay to protect my children. It was a bad decision to marry her in the first place, but it was my decision and I guess I'm stuck with it for now. Sorry for the rant. I know the feeling. I was terrified about how my refuser would treat my daughters if I was not there. I ran interference for them a long time. When my youngest started college, I hoped my W would improve. Instead, she got worse. |
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Post by baza on Feb 9, 2017 20:07:53 GMT -5
A scenario to consider.
#1 - your kids are exposed to a dysfunctional environment in which there is one 'sensible' parent, and one who is 'nuts', for 24/7. Much of the 'sensible' parents input is dissipated by the 'nuts' parent countermanding things, thus producing and adding too, the dysfunctional environment.
#2 - (in this scenario you have divorced) and your kids are getting the full attention of the 'sensible' parent about half the time, and only being exposed to the 'nuts' parent about half the time.
Of these two "less than ideal scenarios" which do you figure would have the least worse effect on the kids ?
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