|
|
Post by ggold on Feb 11, 2017 12:36:59 GMT -5
To unmatched. I can agree with that, I am an extremely passive person when I'm comfortable. So it would be very easy for me to just avoid conflict and let things progress on his terms. As much as I am only 26, I don't actually think I could recover from a divorce at this point. Or at least not be able to be at the level of retirement capabilities, financial stability, career possibilities etc. And just the thought of not being able to be with my daughter just destroys me. I know there is no easy answer here. I plan to talk with him again and try and put things more into perspective of how important it is to me, as well as thinking of a few similes or examples of things I do for him with a similar gravity. I am fortunate in that we have been to councillor, so I know if things get too desperate feeling he will do that for himself/us/me (and it did help before but faded very slowly with time & life changes). He also is okay with talking about things that are uncomfortable for me: like my childhood sexual abuse and conflicts with my own self masturbating and other weird things that no one likes talking about. So I do have that weighing heavy in my favor, I think it really is my own personal guilt that holds me back from opening up more. Gah this sucks Oh sweetie! You are so young!! I just want to hug you!! The fact that you are open and communicating with him now is excellent. Keep the dialogue going and use your VOICE!!! I KNOW how difficult it is to discuss these situations. (Esp. the childhood sexual abuse (hugs) and the masturbating (which I GET...had the same issues)) KEEP TALKING and try and let go of the personal guilt. I completely understand how hard that is to do, but try, try, try!! (I have some excellent self-help book recommendations if you are interested...just PM me!) It is also a good sign that you two have been in counseling. You mention if things get too desperate you both would go again. DON'T wait until things get this way. You are obviously hurting now. This is the perfect time to go back. It may help BEFORE things get too desperate and is worth a try. You have a young child. Being a mom is stressful enough. What are you doing for yourself? Are you able to take some time for you? This is critical in a SM situation. You have to love and care for yourself first to be the best you can be for your child. Where is my advice coming from? I am a 48 year old woman. I've been married for 23 years. I was 24 when we married. Our sex life and intimacy was great before marriage. Although we were still having some sex after marriage, the frequency declined. I was crying about it to my best friend after about 3 years of marriage. Crying that my husband would fall asleep on the couch every night and not want me. That was a sign. I was young, though, and had hope and wanted a family with him. I would write him letters expressing my feelings because we were unable to communicate about our lack of sex life. He would say he would change, and he never did. When we were trying to conceive, we had sex regularly. Unfortunately, it became a chore. We were unable to conceive and we eventually adopted our three beautiful children. In between life's ups and downs, I'd go from convincing myself that I could live without sex/intimacy because he was a good man and father, to crying my eyes out for days because I was so lonely and depressed over it all. I would ask myself, "How could I leave him JUST because of sex? Is that selfish of me?" This inner battle went on for years and years. I've been in and out of individual therapy for years (infertility, anxiety, depression, my father's death, marriage). I am currently in therapy to help me get through my divorce. You see, all of these years of neglect and refusal killed my self esteem. It took away, or shall I say I ALLOWED it to take away who I am as a woman. I can say without hesitation that I am a sexual woman who needs intimacy and connection. I need a partner who will communicate his needs/wants, not one who avoids and keeps all of his feelings inside. I have known my husband for 25 years and I don't truly know who he is. That's sad. We went to therapy together two summers ago. I was there to try and get him to understand the marriage was over. Unfortunately, I didn't make myself clear and he was hopeful. I don't know why since we ended therapy relatively quickly and our lives were status quo. About a year ago, I had an affair and my husband knew. It was one night, but it awakened me. It was the catalyst. I knew I had to leave my marriage. I NEVER thought that I would engage in this behavior, especially after my father had an affair on my mother and they separated after 35 years. Since then, I went on a personal journey of sexual self-discovery and became empowered. This did not happen overnight. My husband and I began divorce mediation last month. We are on the right path. We do not have a marriage, but we do have a partnership. We are coparents and roommates. We now want what is best for the kids. This is some of the most difficult shit I have gone through in my life. My SM issues have spilled over into other areas of my life. It's created chaos. I often cannot function well and am scattered, unorganized, and unmotivated. I am trying to get it all together. Some days are better than others. I have to take my own advice and love myself, forgive myself, find peace in my heart, and just move forward. I wish you all the best. You are amongst wonderful, supportive folks here. xo G |
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Feb 11, 2017 12:52:56 GMT -5
To unmatched. I can agree with that, I am an extremely passive person when I'm comfortable. So it would be very easy for me to just avoid conflict and let things progress on his terms. As much as I am only 26, I don't actually think I could recover from a divorce at this point. Or at least not be able to be at the level of retirement capabilities, financial stability, career possibilities etc. And just the thought of not being able to be with my daughter just destroys me. I know there is no easy answer here. I plan to talk with him again and try and put things more into perspective of how important it is to me, as well as thinking of a few similes or examples of things I do for him with a similar gravity. I am fortunate in that we have been to councillor, so I know if things get too desperate feeling he will do that for himself/us/me (and it did help before but faded very slowly with time & life changes). He also is okay with talking about things that are uncomfortable for me: like my childhood sexual abuse and conflicts with my own self masturbating and other weird things that no one likes talking about. So I do have that weighing heavy in my favor, I think it really is my own personal guilt that holds me back from opening up more. Gah this sucks You may be right about the financial aspects, but you could also may be to pessimistic about the finances. It doesn't hurt to seek advice on your financial prospects and on all other issues. Keep in mind that money is necessary to live, but not the most important. What if you have enough money when you stay, but you are using it to finance a mediocre life at the moment that has a big risk to get worse until it is not much more than a shadow of what life could be. You sound like the responsible one and you sound like you take care of your husband as if he has not much responsibility of his own. He is an adult, he needs to deliver his part to your relation. Your relation could be a codependent relation. www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependencyI think there are a lot here at iliasm who are or have been in a codependent relation. If you read about it maybe you can recognize it. If you think this applies to you, you could discuss this with a councilor. I have some issue with that article there - and that is "co-dependant people have low self esteem". This is not necessarily true at all. "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood explains that people become co-dependent by coming out of a destructive family situation where they, as a child, had to shoulder adult responsibility at an early age and segue into controlling co-dependency as remedial behaviour (which, it turns out, is just as destructive as the abusive situation they are trying to avoid at any price). It's a bit more than I can repeat in a single paragraph here. The 'chronic anger', 'guilt', and 'lying' cited are in my experience of co-dependency not at all there. Unless you count lying to one self on the part of the co-dependent. Possibly using guilt as a 'reason' not to quit the situation. On the other hand, I totally agree with the observation that co-dependent people cannot deal with change, are not in touch with their feelings (which prevents them from communicating about them, obviously). Stating that they have difficulty making decisions is highly self contradictory with saying they exhibit controlling behaviour. The trust issue in codependency goes a LOT deeper than that article suggests. And it expresses itself very differently in my experience. I think it can be easy to confuse a loving, giving, emotionally 'sane' person with boundary problems with a co-dependent who clings to controlling a {perceived} weak person in order to get over their fear of catastropic breakdown of the universe. According to Norwood, co-dependants do not cope at all well with the situation when their 'project' gets their shit together and grows up into a responsible, self sustaining adult ..... |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Feb 11, 2017 13:07:30 GMT -5
You may be right about the financial aspects, but you could also may be to pessimistic about the finances. It doesn't hurt to seek advice on your financial prospects and on all other issues. Keep in mind that money is necessary to live, but not the most important. What if you have enough money when you stay, but you are using it to finance a mediocre life at the moment that has a big risk to get worse until it is not much more than a shadow of what life could be. You sound like the responsible one and you sound like you take care of your husband as if he has not much responsibility of his own. He is an adult, he needs to deliver his part to your relation. Your relation could be a codependent relation. www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependencyI think there are a lot here at iliasm who are or have been in a codependent relation. If you read about it maybe you can recognize it. If you think this applies to you, you could discuss this with a councilor. I have some issue with that article there - and that is "co-dependant people have low self esteem". This is not necessarily true at all. "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood explains that people become co-dependent by coming out of a destructive family situation where they, as a child, had to shoulder adult responsibility at an early age and segue into controlling co-dependency as remedial behaviour (which, it turns out, is just as destructive as the abusive situation they are trying to avoid at any price). It's a bit more than I can repeat in a single paragraph here. The 'chronic anger', 'guilt', and 'lying' cited are in my experience of co-dependency not at all there. Unless you count lying to one self on the part of the co-dependent. Possibly using guilt as a 'reason' not to quit the situation. On the other hand, I totally agree with the observation that co-dependent people cannot deal with change, are not in touch with their feelings (which prevents them from communicating about them, obviously). Stating that they have difficulty making decisions is highly self contradictory with saying they exhibit controlling behaviour. The trust issue in codependency goes a LOT deeper than that article suggests. And it expresses itself very differently in my experience. I think it can be easy to confuse a loving, giving, emotionally 'sane' person with boundary problems with a co-dependent who clings to controlling a {perceived} weak person in order to get over their fear of catastropic breakdown of the universe. According to Norwood, co-dependants do not cope at all well with the situation when their 'project' gets their shit together and grows up into a responsible, self sustaining adult ..... I think in general that many of those articles often are simplifying the subject or do not cover all aspects. And there are a lot of different ways in which codependency can occur in a relationship. By the way, enabling is part of a codependent relation as well. Something many of us do here. www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/do-you-have-a-codependent-personality.aspx |
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Feb 11, 2017 16:44:07 GMT -5
I think in general that many of those articles often are simplifying the subject or do not cover all aspects. And there are a lot of different ways in which codependency can occur in a relationship. By the way, enabling is part of a codependent relation as well. Something many of us do here. Only too true - particularly if one considers that many of the people writing those articles are not scientifically trained, nor experts in the field. Often they're just journalists regurgitating what they've been told. (does that make us like baby seabirds?). And yes, definitely enabling -- in a way that's what it's all about, because enabling shores up co-dependency. |
|
|
|
Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 11, 2017 17:37:41 GMT -5
Things I do for me: go to college, the end hahahaha!
But seriously, between my daughter's school, activities, my household cleaning needs, feeding 3 people 3 meals a day, managing our rental properties,helping my elderly dog, going to class, studying and homework I really am lucky if I can sleep 6 hours a night. There isn't too much room for me to even read this forum, literally have a chemistry book on my lap and a child coloring next to me hahaha but who said life was easy?
I do make a point to have coffee with another mom once every other week! That's always nice.
We have a somewhat codependent relationship. He depends on me for most things. I do leave town for our properties and leave my daughter with him for a week+ at a time and they do just fine. I am one of the overly lovey types that put a lot on myself to show my affection for others (good quality at times, but not at others).
I will take note of some of those codependent tendencies because as my schedule gets crazier I will need someone to help (and not house cleaning service like H wants). Although, I do have a cleaning day where we all come together and do it (even the 3yo) so that makes a big difference in my weekly outlook.
I may look a little deeper at our finances and see what kind of "freedom" I could potentially achieve.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 11, 2017 18:22:49 GMT -5
Off the top, if your financial situation involves having rental properties (presumably with some equity in them and an income from them) the net asset position of you two would be quite sound.
And taking your half of the divisible marital assets might give you a really healthy kick start into the rest of your life.
Checking out -
(a) - the full and detailed financial situation of the marriage
(b) - what your whack of the net assets would be in a divorce scenario
- would seem a highly prudent thing to do.
|
|
