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Post by petrushka on Jan 31, 2017 3:26:51 GMT -5
Ha - I am 63 and I see no reason why I should not recover from a divorce at this point, although it would put a serious
crimp in my house building plans.
Emotionally is a different question - but past experience (mine) says anything between 3 and 8 years. But a lot of
other people I've seen in this community recover much faster.
As for your question: " Will the loneliness dissipate "? Not likely. More likely it will get worse, the alienation
will increase and you may find yourself falling into depression or self harming behaviour (which can start with a
chocolate addiction, or alcohol, or whatever).
My advice is to mentally map out all the possible futures you can imagine, then pick the one you want and work towards
it. And you may find that that can involve dropping some people that don't fit into the future of your choice. Or not.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 31, 2017 4:46:25 GMT -5
I just can't imagine anything lonelier than being married to someone who doesn't want all of you; who has decided to select from their own personal 'menu' of what they will accept in THEIR marriage. Alienation and thoughts of self-harm/self-checkout have already hit me, personally. Thankfully I have worked my way back to wanting to fully engage with life and love again. But, just from where I sit, in my own situation, I simply cannot imagine anything worse than what I've been through. Having a combination of Hope and Freedom is pretty fucking powerful, and can help one weather anything else that comes your way after the fact.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 31, 2017 8:54:08 GMT -5
My loneliness has never dissipated, but other things have: My passion (not even sure I would know how to kiss someone passionately anymore). My empathy (W tells me about her day, I don't care). Meanwhile other things grow: Resentment, frustration, depression. It's just a black hole that swallows everything. I don't think the loneliness ever dissipates. And it's a hurtful, blatant lie for your H to say he can't get in the mood and yet he's yanking away while you tend to parenting.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 10:45:37 GMT -5
I don't think I could leave. I have spent years helping him build his career, I am just now back in college to try and finish what I started ô years ago. We have a child, and retirement assets that I don't think I could truly recover from losing. Or... Now this may sound awful... Is there something he can eat or take that may increase his desire??!! Lol, what a joke right lol Yes, there is. www.biotemedical.com/Look to see if there is a provider in your area. I am 52, and a year ago, my testosterone was about the level of an 80 yr old man. I had the pellets inserted & I feel like I did at 21. I think he should have his testosterone checked. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 10:49:53 GMT -5
To flashjon I am working towards medical school right now. I had worked in hospitals and other things (getting the highest pay to help him advance) but I have been back in school for two years and was a stay at home mom for the first year of my littles life. So at this point, I am 26, haven't worked in 3 years and have no viable income, usable degree or place to live. I would absolutely lose my daughter and most likely never be able to apply to med school. I do really want to be with him. He is open to talking about all of this, I just feel so bad every time I bring it up. I don't like telling the second most important person in my life that there is something he is doing wrong that makes me dislike his physical contact, ya know? I'm sure a lot of you can relate, which is so nice (but obviously it isn't either haha). Well, I am a lawyer, and I can tell you that unless you are a drug user and/or a prostitute, you are very unlikely to lose custody of your son. But you don't sound like you are at that point. And I can understand that it is awkward to tell your H that you are unhappy. However, the longer you wait, the longer the pattern is established. I suggest that you gently tell him that you are dissatisfied with your sexual relationship, and you would like to find a solution together. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 17:27:40 GMT -5
The answer to your question is going to be a big fat NO your living on the crumbs of affection he occasionally throws your way and you have him on a pedestal. So if you decided to stay them it up you to make your own happiness. And find peace of mind. As he certainly won't
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 9:54:16 GMT -5
If you are lonely now and do nothing to change then the loneliness will not get better and will probably get worse.
The only way it will get better is if you figure out what you want, formulate a plan to get it, and then do it. The good part is your destiny is largely in your own hands.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2017 17:15:21 GMT -5
Here are two left field ideas that I have tried albeit only with very limited success.
- Find out if he is interested in experimenting with Eastern ideas of sex- buddhist/tantric methods (google Jennifer Lawless's blog for ideas). If you are comfortable with it and he is open to it, it could even be a guided session (google Psalm Isadora for example who might be a good coach)
- Full body massages for each other (which you approach with no expectations)
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 1:02:25 GMT -5
To flashjon I am working towards medical school right now. I had worked in hospitals and other things (getting the highest pay to help him advance) but I have been back in school for two years and was a stay at home mom for the first year of my littles life. So at this point, I am 26, haven't worked in 3 years and have no viable income, usable degree or place to live. I would absolutely lose my daughter and most likely never be able to apply to med school. I do really want to be with him. He is open to talking about all of this, I just feel so bad every time I bring it up. I don't like telling the second most important person in my life that there is something he is doing wrong that makes me dislike his physical contact, ya know? I'm sure a lot of you can relate, which is so nice (but obviously it isn't either haha). My three cents: "Deal with" your marriage until you are out of Med School and can support yourself financially. What I am sort of getting here is you are not in a financial position to be independent and free of your SM and you are thinking of your daughter. These are all very reasonable and well thought out. How long does Med School take? 3 more years? Maybe this "PLAN" - work on the marriage - which mainly means really HE eventually shows a deep and profound psychic change towards YOU and your needs - stay focused on Med School and graduate and the leave him if at that glorious point in the future you are financially stable and he is still being selfish and inattentive to your needs. Then take the AVENUE OF LIBERTY and LEAVE. My only concern is you are stuck in a horrible marriage for a few years until such time. That is like a marathon from Hell and self-destructive "coping mechanisms" and toxic emotions would be sure to build up. That is something each of us has to weigh - personally it would be too much for me - maybe there is a target date in the future to work for (graduation day at Med School or after your internship and you are fully licensed doctor etc.). Final technical note - DIVORCE is expensive and nobody ever is richer and more financially secure immediately after a divorce - costs for divorce - added expenses of two households etc. etc. but such is the PRICE of FREEDOM and a chance at Happiness. Worth every penny and sacrifice IMHO. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 9:10:03 GMT -5
Mrslowmaintenance,
You're so young that it will be easily recoverable for you. I'm not sure why you're already worried about retirement. You've only just begun. There are posters on this forum getting a divorce in their 50s and 60s. You have much more time than you realize. Although, if you keep wasting it and you will. Life goes by quick, especially after you hit your 30s.
You can go to medical school without your husband's help. There are scholarships that are given out. If you're a single mother, there are many more opportunities for scholarships and grants. I was considering medical school and the military tried to recruit me. They pay for medical school.
You have plenty of options. If you have a good relationship with your parents they could help take care of your child, while you go back to school.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 11, 2017 9:57:54 GMT -5
To flashjon I am working towards medical school right now. I had worked in hospitals and other things (getting the highest pay to help him advance) but I have been back in school for two years and was a stay at home mom for the first year of my littles life. So at this point, I am 26, haven't worked in 3 years and have no viable income, usable degree or place to live. I would absolutely lose my daughter and most likely never be able to apply to med school. I do really want to be with him. He is open to talking about all of this, I just feel so bad every time I bring it up. I don't like telling the second most important person in my life that there is something he is doing wrong that makes me dislike his physical contact, ya know? I'm sure a lot of you can relate, which is so nice (but obviously it isn't either haha). My three cents: "Deal with" your marriage until you are out of Med School and can support yourself financially. What I am sort of getting here is you are not in a financial position to be independent and free of your SM and you are thinking of your daughter. These are all very reasonable and well thought out. How long does Med School take? 3 more years? Maybe this "PLAN" - work on the marriage - which mainly means really HE eventually shows a deep and profound psychic change towards YOU and your needs - stay focused on Med School and graduate and the leave him if at that glorious point in the future you are financially stable and he is still being selfish and inattentive to your needs. Then take the AVENUE OF LIBERTY and LEAVE. My only concern is you are stuck in a horrible marriage for a few years until such time. That is like a marathon from Hell and self-destructive "coping mechanisms" and toxic emotions would be sure to build up. That is something each of us has to weigh - personally it would be too much for me - maybe there is a target date in the future to work for (graduation day at Med School or after your internship and you are fully licensed doctor etc.). Final technical note - DIVORCE is expensive and nobody ever is richer and more financially secure immediately after a divorce - costs for divorce - added expenses of two households etc. etc. but such is the PRICE of FREEDOM and a chance at Happiness. Worth every penny and sacrifice IMHO. I can take me MCAT as early as next summer, if I get accepted my first try applying (acceptance rate is about 13% right now) I will have a minimum of four years there before I can possibly get my MD. If I decide to pursue the specialty I had on mind it would add 2 to 3 years to that. After that it would be 3 to 8 years of residency (long hours, littler pay). So for me, school is a long plan but it is one I had planned to pursue long before I met me H, life changes when you fall in love and have to pay bills  Summarize: if I want to go to medical school I need help for 5 to 10 years! |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 11, 2017 10:08:39 GMT -5
Mrslowmaintenance, You're so young that it will be easily recoverable for you. I'm not sure why you're already worried about retirement. You've only just begun. There are posters on this forum getting a divorce in their 50s and 60s. You have much more time than you realize. Although, if you keep wasting it and you want. Life goes by quick, especially after you hit your 30s. You can go to medical school without your husband's help. There are scholarships that are given out. If you're a single mother, there are many more opportunities for scholarships and grants. I was considering medical school and the military tried to recruit me. They pay for medical school. You have plenty of options. If you have a good relationship with your parents they could help take care of your child, while you go back to school. You are so right, I really do have time to start over. At this point I am not quite ready to, I still really care about my H. I still want to be with him, physically and mentally. Also, I am not in a situation in which I could actually provide for my little, or even myself really, and I have no support from friends or family in my area. I would have to move back to a place that makes me feel worse than my H ever could. At this time I have taken a lot of advice and inspiration from this forum and have made some changes in my house. I have started talking about it more with him (frequency and depth) and he is actually really happy about it. I have made the decision that yes, I was the victim, I was being taken advantage of, but that is the past and my resentment is only going to push him away further. I have started touching him and talking to him the way I like to, wether it makes him think I want sex all the time or not (I don't give a fuck, mostly because he is right). We had sex two times over 8 days (only 6 times total last year) and I actually was able to give him a blow job, which he has been opposed to for a while (found out why). So I am taking it slow, opening up, and being more of who I want to be wether he wants to fuck me or not. I appreciate the encouragement though, it does feel good to know that if I do decide that this really isn't the place I want to be I have a support group (and cheering squad) to guide me, that is extremely comforting. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 10:29:27 GMT -5
Mrslowmaintenance, You're so young that it will be easily recoverable for you. I'm not sure why you're already worried about retirement. You've only just begun. There are posters on this forum getting a divorce in their 50s and 60s. You have much more time than you realize. Although, if you keep wasting it and you want. Life goes by quick, especially after you hit your 30s. You can go to medical school without your husband's help. There are scholarships that are given out. If you're a single mother, there are many more opportunities for scholarships and grants. I was considering medical school and the military tried to recruit me. They pay for medical school. You have plenty of options. If you have a good relationship with your parents they could help take care of your child, while you go back to school. You are so right, I really do have time to start over. At this point I am not quite ready to, I still really care about my H. I still want to be with him, physically and mentally. Also, I am not in a situation in which I could actually provide for my little, or even myself really, and I have no support from friends or family in my area. I would have to move back to a place that makes me feel worse than my H ever could. At this time I have taken a lot of advice and inspiration from this forum and have made some changes in my house. I have started talking about it more with him (frequency and depth) and he is actually really happy about it. I have made the decision that yes, I was the victim, I was being taken advantage of, but that is the past and my resentment is only going to push him away further. I have started touching him and talking to him the way I like to, wether it makes him think I want sex all the time or not (I don't give a fuck, mostly because he is right). We had sex two times over 8 days (only 6 times total last year) and I actually was able to give him a blow job, which he has been opposed to for a while (found out why). So I am taking it slow, opening up, and being more of who I want to be wether he wants to fuck me or not. I appreciate the encouragement though, it does feel good to know that if I do decide that this really isn't the place I want to be I have a support group (and cheering squad) to guide me, that is extremely comforting. Well this is encouraging. The main thing in my mind is you still LOVE your H and want it to work - so it will be up to him too. 5 to 10 years to be dependent on your H to get thru Med School/ Residency - Good Lord that sounds like a Prison sentence UNLESS . . . you guys can work it out and have a Healthy Loving Relationship - which from what you have updated on sounds within the realm of possibilities. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 11, 2017 11:35:15 GMT -5
You are so right, I really do have time to start over. At this point I am not quite ready to, I still really care about my H. I still want to be with him, physically and mentally. Also, I am not in a situation in which I could actually provide for my little, or even myself really, and I have no support from friends or family in my area. I would have to move back to a place that makes me feel worse than my H ever could. At this time I have taken a lot of advice and inspiration from this forum and have made some changes in my house. I have started talking about it more with him (frequency and depth) and he is actually really happy about it. I have made the decision that yes, I was the victim, I was being taken advantage of, but that is the past and my resentment is only going to push him away further. I have started touching him and talking to him the way I like to, wether it makes him think I want sex all the time or not (I don't give a fuck, mostly because he is right). We had sex two times over 8 days (only 6 times total last year) and I actually was able to give him a blow job, which he has been opposed to for a while (found out why). So I am taking it slow, opening up, and being more of who I want to be wether he wants to fuck me or not. I appreciate the encouragement though, it does feel good to know that if I do decide that this really isn't the place I want to be I have a support group (and cheering squad) to guide me, that is extremely comforting. Well this is encouraging. The main thing in my mind is you still LOVE your H and want it to work - so it will be up to him too. 5 to 10 years to be dependent on your H to get thru Med School/ Residency - Good Lord that sounds like a Prison sentence UNLESS . . . you guys can work it out and have a Healthy Loving Relationship - which from what you have updated on sounds within the realm of possibilities. Now that I have been more blunt with him and am realising we will never be in a good place if I am not in a good place, I think we have a better chance. I still plan on hanging around here, if things continue as they have after the one month mark, then I will actually see a true chance. |
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Post by tamara68 on Feb 11, 2017 11:54:46 GMT -5
To unmatched. I can agree with that, I am an extremely passive person when I'm comfortable. So it would be very easy for me to just avoid conflict and let things progress on his terms. As much as I am only 26, I don't actually think I could recover from a divorce at this point. Or at least not be able to be at the level of retirement capabilities, financial stability, career possibilities etc. And just the thought of not being able to be with my daughter just destroys me. I know there is no easy answer here. I plan to talk with him again and try and put things more into perspective of how important it is to me, as well as thinking of a few similes or examples of things I do for him with a similar gravity. I am fortunate in that we have been to councillor, so I know if things get too desperate feeling he will do that for himself/us/me (and it did help before but faded very slowly with time & life changes). He also is okay with talking about things that are uncomfortable for me: like my childhood sexual abuse and conflicts with my own self masturbating and other weird things that no one likes talking about. So I do have that weighing heavy in my favor, I think it really is my own personal guilt that holds me back from opening up more. Gah this sucks You may be right about the financial aspects, but you could also may be to pessimistic about the finances. It doesn't hurt to seek advice on your financial prospects and on all other issues. Keep in mind that money is necessary to live, but not the most important. What if you have enough money when you stay, but you are using it to finance a mediocre life at the moment that has a big risk to get worse until it is not much more than a shadow of what life could be. You sound like the responsible one and you sound like you take care of your husband as if he has not much responsibility of his own. He is an adult, he needs to deliver his part to your relation. Your relation could be a codependent relation. www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependencyI think there are a lot here at iliasm who are or have been in a codependent relation. If you read about it maybe you can recognize it. If you think this applies to you, you could discuss this with a councilor. |
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