The hardest thing I have ever done in my life but...
Jan 29, 2017 18:23:41 GMT -5
unmatched, warmways, and 7 more like this
Post by dinnaken on Jan 29, 2017 18:23:41 GMT -5
Hello
I've just had a tough few days and I've had to do the hardest and saddest thing I've ever done (so far) in my life. However, it's also been very positive in ways that caught me by surprise and I thought it might be useful to some people if I shared them.
My story is like many others here. I've been married for 26 years of which 20+ have been sexless and all of which have been without emotional or physical intimacy. Like many others I 'stayed for the child' but last summer when my child finished college I knew that I had no more reasons to stay, anything else would be excuses and avoidance. That coincided with my finding this web site and realising that I wasn't on my own - sadly, far from it.
I'd thought about this and planned, in an abstract way, for years what I would do; for years I was torn and overcome by anxiety for the possible future, really worried about money and if I could make a go of it on my own. At the same time I grieved for a wasted emotional life and piled on weight. I don't think you could ever overstate the impact living in a situation like this has on your self-esteem and confidence.
Anyhow, shortly before Christmas my wife told me that she had applied for a job she really wanted to do (fair enough) but that it was for a lot less money so we would have to rely on my wage in the future but that would be OK. Err... I don't think so
So that was it - time to 'S**t or get off the pot'. I spent four days deciding - was I ready to go? Could I deal with the consequences? I scoured the web; I live in the UK and found the Relate web site full of useful help and loads of sensible advice and there were others too.
I gathered my courage, sat down with my wife and remembering to be polite, light and business-like and to behave with integrity and decency, told her I wanted a separation. Her response, after a shocked pause, was "Yes, it's not really working is it?" After all the anxiety and fear, that was it. I've avoided any angry exchanges, given her time to catch up and we've started to plan our lives apart. She wants to be in control of the whole process, of course, but she is in essence a decent person just not the one I should have married.
Telling our child was a whole different ball game. I felt sick every time I thought about it but we agreed a time and sat waiting for his cheerful 'Hi' as he came into the house and I just sat there thinking "In 30 seconds I am going to devastate the child that I love" and so it turned out... The most terrible experience of my life. But we got through that time. There will be others but one day at a time...
I had dreaded telling my mother and siblings, each time I had to wind myself up to do it, but they were just supportive and I've realised that my mum and eldest brother had realised for some time that things weren't right. So, from my family and friends no drama, just calm and quiet support, for which I will be eternally grateful.
I'll sign off now; I am drained and can barely keep my eyes open. It's very early days but I hope that some of you find encouragement.
I've just had a tough few days and I've had to do the hardest and saddest thing I've ever done (so far) in my life. However, it's also been very positive in ways that caught me by surprise and I thought it might be useful to some people if I shared them.
My story is like many others here. I've been married for 26 years of which 20+ have been sexless and all of which have been without emotional or physical intimacy. Like many others I 'stayed for the child' but last summer when my child finished college I knew that I had no more reasons to stay, anything else would be excuses and avoidance. That coincided with my finding this web site and realising that I wasn't on my own - sadly, far from it.
I'd thought about this and planned, in an abstract way, for years what I would do; for years I was torn and overcome by anxiety for the possible future, really worried about money and if I could make a go of it on my own. At the same time I grieved for a wasted emotional life and piled on weight. I don't think you could ever overstate the impact living in a situation like this has on your self-esteem and confidence.
Anyhow, shortly before Christmas my wife told me that she had applied for a job she really wanted to do (fair enough) but that it was for a lot less money so we would have to rely on my wage in the future but that would be OK. Err... I don't think so
So that was it - time to 'S**t or get off the pot'. I spent four days deciding - was I ready to go? Could I deal with the consequences? I scoured the web; I live in the UK and found the Relate web site full of useful help and loads of sensible advice and there were others too.
I gathered my courage, sat down with my wife and remembering to be polite, light and business-like and to behave with integrity and decency, told her I wanted a separation. Her response, after a shocked pause, was "Yes, it's not really working is it?" After all the anxiety and fear, that was it. I've avoided any angry exchanges, given her time to catch up and we've started to plan our lives apart. She wants to be in control of the whole process, of course, but she is in essence a decent person just not the one I should have married.
Telling our child was a whole different ball game. I felt sick every time I thought about it but we agreed a time and sat waiting for his cheerful 'Hi' as he came into the house and I just sat there thinking "In 30 seconds I am going to devastate the child that I love" and so it turned out... The most terrible experience of my life. But we got through that time. There will be others but one day at a time...
I had dreaded telling my mother and siblings, each time I had to wind myself up to do it, but they were just supportive and I've realised that my mum and eldest brother had realised for some time that things weren't right. So, from my family and friends no drama, just calm and quiet support, for which I will be eternally grateful.
I'll sign off now; I am drained and can barely keep my eyes open. It's very early days but I hope that some of you find encouragement.
