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Post by mamabare on Jan 28, 2017 12:05:47 GMT -5
I got married 4 months ago to a man I truly love. Before we got married, we had sex fairly often. Now it seems like he participates out of obligation. I love this man and my stepson (3), but lately I've been wondering if I made a mistake. We've had sex 4 times since our marriage and one of those wasn't even on our wedding night. Just this morning I wrapped my arms around him and he told me he didn't like that. It feels like he doesn't even want me anymore.
Recently I was talking with a mutual friend who had broken up with his girlfriend because he was ready to settle down and didn't want to deal with drama anymore. Immediately I started wondering what my life would be like if I had married him instead. Besides the SM, my husband is very lazy and forgetful. He sleeps until noon every day while I get up at 7 to take his son to school, go to work, and he's barely put on clothes by the time I go home for lunch. We never go out anymore, it's McDonalds and pizza all the time because I get home from work late and he wants to eat then, but refuses to cook. He is horrible with money and tells me he will take care of bills and other important issues then forgets about them for 2 months. I recently had to pay the outstanding balance on my wedding ring because he hadn't paid it in 3 months.
This was NOT the man I married, but I think it's too late to go back now. I've suggested marriage counseling as we've been bickering and irritated at each other a lot lately, but he always says he'll find a counselor since I work so much. It's been 2 months now.
Our friend is everything my husband is not. He's a hard worker, dedicated, smart with money, serious about a relationship, and is not shy about his sex life at all. I've started thinking I would be happier with him, and I think he would be too.
I love my husband to death and I could never dream of doing anything to hurt him, but I am 24. I am way too young to be miserable in my marriage that hasn't even lasted 6 months. This is the time we're supposed to be all over each other and people tell us to get a room. I never considered divorce to be an option, but now I feel it's the only option.
I really just have no clue what to do.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 28, 2017 12:20:49 GMT -5
I was married at 22 and sex was once a month at best.
My H would sleep until noon on the weekends. When we were in bed and I tried to initiate he said he was trying to sleep and to leave him alone.
Here's the thing- you still love him and you are young and this is still early but after years and decades the anger and resentment will become something you don't even have a handle on. If I could go back in time to when I was your age I would lay my cards on the table and tell my H that this is not the marriage I signed up for and I expect sex this many times as a minimum and I expect the following acts to be performed with enthusiasm and vigor like like he's been walking through a desert and my body is his source of water. I'd telling him he has one month to figure his shit out, get into playing shape and be the man I need him to be because if he doesn't want to be that man there are so many men that would. Don't waste two decades of your life like I did but it turned out ok for me I got out last year and I have a date Sunday night that I'm very excited about.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 12:23:30 GMT -5
Welcome to the club no one wants to join. My story was very similar to yours, with the genders reversed. Except she didn't have all the laziness issues your husband has. I even acquired a step-child like you, and was just a few years older. Like you, the sex stopped on the wedding day. Although I got a starfish consummation fuck on my wedding night. And like you, about 3 months in I was very ready to throw in the towel.
I can tell you with near certainty that things will not get better. They will only get worse as your resentment grows into anger. If your husband did not want to fuck you on the wedding day, or more than once a month thereafter, it will never get better. It will only get worse. Expect to be in a totally celibate relationship, and probably sooner than later. And if you are like all of us here, the decision to go totally celibate will effectively be yours after you lose your sexual attraction to him. That is your future.
The biggest mistake of my life was not leaving about 3 months in when I made that decision but chickened out. As a result, circumstances, including a pregnancy, kept me in for 30 years.
You should decide NOW if the life you and I describe is the life you want to live, or you want to throw in the towel and find a man that will love you the way you deserve. And you want to do that before you get pregnant. Near celibate marriages never preclude children from near immaculate conceptions. This forum is full of those stories, and I am no exception.
The worst thing you can do is to stay and HOPE that things will get better, with no evidence to support that hope. If you stay you should make that decision with full knowledge of your future. That it will not get better. You have a gift. You discovered this forum only a couple months into your stillborn marriage. Please don't squander that gift.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 12:31:37 GMT -5
One more thing. If you stay you will learn a bitter lesson: love is not enough. Not nearly enough.
In the same vein, you may want to make a list of what he brings to the marriage, what he does to enrich your life.
- he apparently doesn't work
- he doesn't cook, and perhaps does nothing else around the house?
- he doesn't take care of your physical needs or your emotional needs
- he doesn't even care for his own child, which he has dumped on you
What exactly does he bring to your marriage and your life? You might want to google Codependency. Which, by my way of thinking, is a very malevolent form of "love" that is not really love.
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Post by mamabare on Jan 28, 2017 13:39:34 GMT -5
One more thing. If you stay you will learn a bitter lesson: love is not enough. Not nearly enough. In the same vein, you may want to make a list of what he brings to the marriage, what he does to enrich your life. - he apparently doesn't work - he doesn't cook, and perhaps does nothing else around the house? - he doesn't take care of your physical needs or your emotional needs - he doesn't even care for his own child, which he has dumped on you What exactly does he bring to your marriage and your life? You might want to google Codependency. Which, by my way of thinking, is a very malevolent form of "love" that is not really love. He currently is a student. He joined the Marines right out of high school then started working after that. He was laid off from his job last January (by his sons grandfather, a week before the court date for custody) and he enrolled in school the next day. He has been doing well in school, but he takes only the minimum number of hours required to receive the GI Bill and that's all he does. Before he was laid off, he was definitely the bread winner. He provided for me financially and intimately. Now he does neither. He doesn't cook or help around the house unless I consistently nag him. I take his son to school because his preschool is less than a block away from my workplace. It is convenient, but I would get to sleep in a little if I didn't have to do that. Overall, he does provide for me, but not the ways I need it. It gets stressful and exhausting, but I do love him. It's even harder because I'm the only real mother my stepson has. His bio mom is an alcoholic that is in and out of jobs and relationships. If I leave, I truly believe my husband would lose custody and he would go back to living with that monster. When we got custody, he was 3 years old and wearing 12 month pants and shirts. My husband is a good dad. He makes sure his son has everything he needs and puts his needs above our own. Sometimes it just gets to the point where he's the parent that lets him do whatever makes him happy and I have to enforce discipline. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 28, 2017 14:19:41 GMT -5
Hi mamabare - welcome to the forum - I hope you're able to sit down, read a lot of our stories, and take something positive from them. What can happen, at least it sure did to me, when you read through these experiences is the deluge of information can be like a slap in the face. When one faces a harsh reality, such as the near zero statistic for a sexless marriage turn around, it can be overwhelming and really scary. What you have, is a very young marriage. I'm not sure how long you've been together, or what the frequency of sex was like before marriage, but there is a slight possibility yours could be turned around. It sounds like your husband may be clinically depressed. From the sounds of it, his life has been in a tale spin for a while (alcoholic ex, fired from job, active duty marines, etc). It sounds like he is expecting you to come in and miraculously fix everything. (Or he was simply looking for a maid and nanny -sorry but it's a possibility). If he is in fact clinically depressed and will admit to this, seek medical intervention immediately, MAYBE you have a chance. It will be a long road, however, and there are a lot of "ifs" involved that you have zero control of. He would need to be able to respond to treatment (which in itself would probably nuke his libido), admit that your marriage is sex starved and intimacy starved then HE would have to take the initiative with marriage counseling and getting you guys back on track. You obviously are on board - he really MUST be on board and proactive if there is any chance in hell that this will work out. I have a 24 year old daughter. If she were in your situation, my advice to her (based on my own experience in an 11 year sexless marriage) in a nutshell would be to, as bballgirl mentioned, lay your cards on the table (do this immediately)- tell him what you expect from the marriage - right down to frequency of sex and him getting his act together. Give him a timeframe - I like the 1 month suggestion - if he is unwilling to do everything and anything to keep you - there is your answer. Run, don't walk to your attorney and move on. Life is too short - you have EVERYTHING ahead of you. Also, explore the codependency issue - it sounds like there is something there for sure. Remember, you really need to be happy with yourself, independent of a man, before you can fully be authentic in any romantic relationship. If you choose to leave, take some time to work on your own issues before starting something new with this other guy or anyone else. |
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Post by petrushka on Jan 28, 2017 15:55:52 GMT -5
It sure sounds like you bought a dud, Mamabare. What I mentally call "the whale on the couch".
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Post by baza on Jan 28, 2017 16:02:19 GMT -5
It reads like you were well and truly a victim of "bait and switch".
Hooked in to taking on the role of financier and child carer and gatherer of junk food for his convenience.
Quoting you here Sister mamabare - "I never considered divorce to be an option, but now I feel it's the only option."
It is not "the only option", staying and / or cheating are just as valid options.
But divorcing would definitely solve the problem of being in a dysfunctional marriage with this lazy irresponsible prick.
Might be worth putting your motivations in hooking up with this bloke under the microscope. Possibly that might be of value "next time" so you don't fall in to another dysfunctional deal.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 29, 2017 9:15:26 GMT -5
I got married 4 months ago to a man I truly love. Before we got married, we had sex fairly often. Now it seems like he participates out of obligation. I love this man and my stepson (3), but lately I've been wondering if I made a mistake. We've had sex 4 times since our marriage and one of those wasn't even on our wedding night. Just this morning I wrapped my arms around him and he told me he didn't like that. It feels like he doesn't even want me anymore. Recently I was talking with a mutual friend who had broken up with his girlfriend because he was ready to settle down and didn't want to deal with drama anymore. Immediately I started wondering what my life would be like if I had married him instead. Besides the SM, my husband is very lazy and forgetful. He sleeps until noon every day while I get up at 7 to take his son to school, go to work, and he's barely put on clothes by the time I go home for lunch. We never go out anymore, it's McDonalds and pizza all the time because I get home from work late and he wants to eat then, but refuses to cook. He is horrible with money and tells me he will take care of bills and other important issues then forgets about them for 2 months. I recently had to pay the outstanding balance on my wedding ring because he hadn't paid it in 3 months. This was NOT the man I married, but I think it's too late to go back now. I've suggested marriage counseling as we've been bickering and irritated at each other a lot lately, but he always says he'll find a counselor since I work so much. It's been 2 months now. Our friend is everything my husband is not. He's a hard worker, dedicated, smart with money, serious about a relationship, and is not shy about his sex life at all. I've started thinking I would be happier with him, and I think he would be too. I love my husband to death and I could never dream of doing anything to hurt him, but I am 24. I am way too young to be miserable in my marriage that hasn't even lasted 6 months. This is the time we're supposed to be all over each other and people tell us to get a room. I never considered divorce to be an option, but now I feel it's the only option. I really just have no clue what to do. Holy crap! You need to have a serious chat with him! You are responsible for his child more so then him? You must try and lay it on the line with him (I know that's easier said then done). He cannot expect you to do the school run whilst he lays in and then plans McDonald's for tea. This marriage is barely past its honeymoon and is full of bickering, lack of empathy and hard work (on his part) and has also become sexless! That's no life! Was it this bad during your engagement period? |
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Post by iceman on Jan 29, 2017 13:50:01 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sucks I know. But the good part is that you're catching it while you're young. I agree with what's already been said. You need to have a serious talk with your husband now about your expectations, and his, in the marriage. Lay your cards on the table in no uncertain terms. Don't assume that he knows what you mean and why you're unhappy if you don't lay it out bluntly. You should be prepared for excuses, both valid and bullshit, and work with the valid excuses and don't accept the bullshit. Set a concrete timeframe when the issues will be addressed and stick to it. That's the hard part. It's easy to let things slide and almost certainly he will deploy delaying tactics. Whatever you do don't do nothing and suffer in silence expecting things will get better somehow. Take it from my experience and practically everybody here, it won't. You're young and you have time on your side right now, whether it be resolving your issues in your marriage or realizing the situation isn't acceptable to you and it isn't going to get better and be able to get out. You'll be shocked how fast time flies. If you don't do something now, you'll wake up one day and realize that 15 or 20 years have passed by and you're still in an unhappy situation. Things get more complicated as time goes on. Throw a couple of kids into the situation, a mortgage, and start worrying about retirement and it isn't so easy to disengage from a bad situation. The voice of experience speaking again ... Good luck.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 29, 2017 16:44:59 GMT -5
And prepare to have sex with him. He's probably going to reset you after the talk within 24 hours so make it worth it. Make him work hard for it! Make him keep his face between your thighs for a minimum of 15 minutes or you've had at least 3 orgasms, after all he needs to make up for lost time. Then tell him he's going to have to cum on your back for round one because you expect him to eat your pussy again. He can cum inside you for round two.
While this is normal sex in my Oppositeland World, at age 24 this is the kind of sex you should be having. If I would have demanded this from my ex he may have filed for divorce on me. Occasionally I would ask for two rounds and he laughed it off. What a waste! If he can't do that then WTF do you need him for?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 10:43:21 GMT -5
Overall, he does provide for me, but not the ways I need it. It gets stressful and exhausting, but I do love him. It's even harder because I'm the only real mother my stepson has. His bio mom is an alcoholic that is in and out of jobs and relationships. If I leave, I truly believe my husband would lose custody and he would go back to living with that monster. When we got custody, he was 3 years old and wearing 12 month pants and shirts. My husband is a good dad. He makes sure his son has everything he needs and puts his needs above our own. Sometimes it just gets to the point where he's the parent that lets him do whatever makes him happy and I have to enforce discipline. Um, are you his wife or his mother? Why would he want to work when he has you to do everything for him? And just to let you know, YOU don't have custody of the child, HE does. And why should he enforce discipline when you do it for him. All he does is go to school part time while you support him. Frankly, a good dad would want to work to support his child and a good dad would want to take the lead in helping to raise his own child. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 1, 2017 1:13:54 GMT -5
One more thing. If you stay you will learn a bitter lesson: love is not enough. Not nearly enough. In the same vein, you may want to make a list of what he brings to the marriage, what he does to enrich your life. - he apparently doesn't work - he doesn't cook, and perhaps does nothing else around the house? - he doesn't take care of your physical needs or your emotional needs - he doesn't even care for his own child, which he has dumped on you What exactly does he bring to your marriage and your life? You might want to google Codependency. Which, by my way of thinking, is a very malevolent form of "love" that is not really love. He currently is a student. He joined the Marines right out of high school then started working after that. He was laid off from his job last January (by his sons grandfather, a week before the court date for custody) and he enrolled in school the next day. He has been doing well in school, but he takes only the minimum number of hours required to receive the GI Bill and that's all he does. Before he was laid off, he was definitely the bread winner. He provided for me financially and intimately. Now he does neither. He doesn't cook or help around the house unless I consistently nag him. I take his son to school because his preschool is less than a block away from my workplace. It is convenient, but I would get to sleep in a little if I didn't have to do that. Overall, he does provide for me, but not the ways I need it. It gets stressful and exhausting, but I do love him. It's even harder because I'm the only real mother my stepson has. His bio mom is an alcoholic that is in and out of jobs and relationships. If I leave, I truly believe my husband would lose custody and he would go back to living with that monster. When we got custody, he was 3 years old and wearing 12 month pants and shirts. My husband is a good dad. He makes sure his son has everything he needs and puts his needs above our own. Sometimes it just gets to the point where he's the parent that lets him do whatever makes him happy and I have to enforce discipline. This is gonna come across as judgemental and harsh, but... explore annulment. He's not finding work for a year, and he's taking the minimum school load to qualify... *screams* serious lack of motivation and someone who's using "student" as a crutch. "Doing well" on a minimum load of first-year courses isn't too laudable when he isn't doing anything else. And he has to perform, or he loses tuition reimbursement. You seem to be the only one acting like an adult in this relationship. Take seriously the advice from folks like beachguy who's 30 years in; my story's not too different. As hard as it may be to declare a false start, it gets much harder as the years go by. And there are at least a couple women here who've found themselves 10+ years later still dealing with a man-child. Is he depressed? Does he need help? Maybe. My sense is that maybe you've signed on for more than you realized here, and you're in over your head. You need to make an honest assessment if this is the life you want to lead; don't assume it'll get better. |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 1, 2017 3:08:15 GMT -5
And prepare to have sex with him. He's probably going to reset you after the talk within 24 hours so make it worth it. Make him work hard for it! Make him keep his face between your thighs for a minimum of 15 minutes or you've had at least 3 orgasms, after all he needs to make up for lost time. Then tell him he's going to have to cum on your back for round one because you expect him to eat your pussy again. He can cum inside you for round two. While this is normal sex in my Oppositeland World, at age 24 this is the kind of sex you should be having. If I would have demanded this from my ex he may have filed for divorce on me. Occasionally I would ask for two rounds and he laughed it off. What a waste! If he can't do that then WTF do you need him for? 15 minutes with his face between her thighs? Come on at least 30 minutes! 😋 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 1:28:50 GMT -5
get the hell out of the marriage now. Else stay and stfu. simple.
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