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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2017 5:30:56 GMT -5
The subject of therapy come round again and again so I decided when it comes to therapy here the only way it will ever work is if it you're spouses idea and they drag you along because you would actually want it. I hear all time we are now going to therapy and everyone here's scream "yes to shut you up". So my suggestion it great if your spouse wants it first .....
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jan 28, 2017 9:55:34 GMT -5
I don't think it has to be entirely their idea, but enough has to change it order for it not to be about the same old thing. A new problem to solve always gets more attention than an old.
Personally I changed my behavior and interaction with her. It took a few months to where she acknowledged the difference. The final steps were going on a guys trip for our anniversary then two weeks later ignoring Valentine's Day. The argument that night was where I suggested therapy. Even then I made sure she chose the therapist, so that it couldn't come back at me down the road.
It's been great. I understand more than before. It's made life more pleasant. Not that anything is "solved", but life is better than without.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 28, 2017 10:27:23 GMT -5
As far as the women with husbands that don't want sex with them I don't think therapy is going to make them WANT sex. They may be willing so that they don't lose a cook or maid but that's not honest. Men are wired to be hunters and when they are attracted to something or want something they go after it.
If a therapist has to get your man to have sex with you what's the point.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 28, 2017 10:33:19 GMT -5
lets be real - while we all unfortunately share in a SM - we are all also on a '2-way street'. Meaning, none of us is entirely innocent and all of us have contributed to our messes in some ways.
my wife loves therapy - it's where she gets to vent about me and tries to blame our SM on my attitudes, behaviors and the energy I do or don't put into the mix.
It can be very helpful, but both parties need to be very open and honest about some deep issues, and often willing to dig into those that we didn't realize we have.
if nothing else, it's allowed us to see how she's very comfortable talking about my issues, but not hers...
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 10:35:38 GMT -5
I don't think it has to be entirely their idea, but enough has to change it order for it not to be about the same old thing. A new problem to solve always gets more attention than an old. Personally I changed my behavior and interaction with her. It took a few months to where she acknowledged the difference. The final steps were going on a guys trip for our anniversary then two weeks later ignoring Valentine's Day. The argument that night was where I suggested therapy. Even then I made sure she chose the therapist, so that it couldn't come back at me down the road. It's been great. I understand more than before. It's made life more pleasant. Not that anything is "solved", but life is better than without. Thus confirming what I've often said here: all therapy is going to do is make you happier in your misery. You have been unable to entice your spouse into having sex with you for years. Maybe since the first day of the marriage. The more you try, the more sex averse they become. So you decide to hire a Professional to entice your spouse into having sex with you. Why would anyone expect a different result? From your spouses perspective, that is just a more intense form of pressure, leading to more extreme sex averse-ness. Instead of a simple "no" and rolling over away from you, they now have to spend a full hour a week beating you off, via your professional surrogate. Now, of course, if your spouse recognizes their sex aversiveness or lack of desire for you as a problem, they might initiate therapy to fix their problem. But the last time that happened they were probably still publicly feeding lions with Christians in the Colosseum. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 10:39:10 GMT -5
"It's been great. I understand more than before. It's made life more pleasant. Not that anything is "solved", but life is better than without."
Alternative take on that: therapy is counter-productive because it makes you avoid the problem that is never solved. It is a therapeutic lobotomy. Which is not necessarily a good thing.
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jan 28, 2017 12:51:02 GMT -5
beachguy - You know nothing of my circumstance, so I would caution you to not address your issues to me. Perhaps even have a more open mind that some situations are vastly different from yours and perhaps you could learn something from others' experiences without offering your uninformed opinion. You might even have potential benefit from therapy to address your unresolved anger issues that you continually project onto others.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 13:25:12 GMT -5
beachguy - You know nothing of my circumstance, so I would caution you to not address your issues to me. Perhaps even have a more open mind that some situations are vastly different from yours and perhaps you could learn something from others' experiences without offering your uninformed opinion. You might even have potential benefit from therapy to address your unresolved anger issues that you continually project onto others. My comments were of a more general level. Not directed at you. You just expressed something said repeatedly here and my personal assessment stands. |
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Post by baza on Jan 28, 2017 16:39:44 GMT -5
My first experience of counselling was at the request of my missus.
She told me her counsellor would like me to attend a joint session.
I had no objection, and I couldn't see any harm in it at all, so I agreed.
Turned out that it opened Pandora's box.
I became a big fan of counselling (and this particular counsellor) and got a lot out of it.
Helped me sort a lot of shit out, helped me to see what my marriage truly was.
My participation rate went up, my missus participation level dropped off, and gradually the 'joint' thing ended.
After another crisis a few months later, I contacted this counsellor and started seeing her by myself.
Found it very beneficial.
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Post by nancyb on Jan 28, 2017 16:57:37 GMT -5
I entered counselling at the end of my first marriage and continued on for many years. It really helped me to sort out my issues and to grow as a human being. I still periodically have a session when things are difficult with STBX.
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Post by waiting4what on Jan 28, 2017 17:51:44 GMT -5
When I was on the verge of getting out of my SM and told my X that I was done, he finally agreed to go to marriage counseling. I agreed - I'd been asking him to see someone for years. I was pretty sure that I was done, but wanted to leave no stone unturned. We saw a very good therapist for 9 months. It didn't save our marriage, but it did let me see some things a lot more clearly, gave me validation that I was not being unreasonable to expect sex, and I believe it made the eventual split less traumatic than it might have been otherwise. I think he would say it was a waste of time, since we ended up divorced, but I don't think that saving every marriage at any cost is necessarily the objective. It was definitely worth it for me.
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