The worst week of my life (so far)
Jan 27, 2017 18:09:53 GMT -5
greatcoastal, novembercomingfire, and 2 more like this
Post by shamwow on Jan 27, 2017 18:09:53 GMT -5
On Sunday, I told my wife of 20 years that I wanted a divorce. I have not been online much since then as other thing have taken priority. However, I've got some time on my hands waiting for a flight from Houston to NYC, so I wanted to explain how it went, where I am at, and how I'm doing.
I have been preparing for this moment for some time now. I'm not sure anyone can fully prepare for this, but I did the best I could. The biggest issue I had was that I had no idea what reaction my wife would have. I know that sounds strange...I've been married to the woman for almost two decades, but like many here, it often seems the longer you are together the less you actually know your spouse. I didn't have a specific date and time in mind, but I had prepared a short (3/4 page) letter that I was going to read to her. The purpose of this was to make sure that I said everything that I intended as well as making sure that there was a record so things could not be "mis-rememebered"
I've had this letter basically prepared for several weeks now, but was waiting for a good time to have our conversation. Since I had no idea of her reaction, I wanted to make sure neither of the kids wouldn't be home. This doesn't happen every weekend, but happens often enough. Last weekend was that weekend. So on Sunday morning, letter in hand, I went into our bedroom and told my wife we needed to talk.
I am 44 years old and have cried 4 times in my adult life. I figured I had this thing covered (I had it almost memorized). Read the letter and move onto the Q&A phase of my presentation. Uh huh. It took me 20 minutes to make it through the letter, breaking down and halting throughout. In the past week, I took that 4 times crying and left it in the dust. I've broken down just about every day this week, having to pull over on my way to work. Only today, Friday, have I been able to hold it together. It is still excruciatingly hard, but it does get better every day.
Later on Sunday, I went to my parents to explain this to my mom. She has been even more emotional about this than I have. See, when you live 13 years with a mask stapled to your face, you get really, really good at wearing it. Apparently, I'm a good enough actor that I left everyone in shock. Shammy and his wife? What? How? They are the perfect couple. As I explained to my mom my struggles over the past 13 years, she began to get angry. However, before beginning, I had made her promise to think of Mrs. Shammy the same way tomorrow as she did yesterday.
See, one thing that I didn't fully appreciate over the past year since I made the decision to exit is that during this time, I've been coming to terms with things. I've even accepted them. But I never fully appreciated that, although I am at peace (as much as you can be at peace) about this decision, I didn't anticipate the steamroller I was about to drive over my closest family. If any of you are looking to follow my footsteps, realize that those you hope to be in your "support group" are actually going to need YOUR support first. Somehow, my mom thought I was going to hurt myself, and I had to get my wife and mother in law in the loop to make sure she knew I was OK. Talk about drama.
Over the past week, I've been waiting for the tears, pleading, and attempt to "reset" me with sex. I'm not sure if I should be upset or relieved that these have not come (yet). While she clearly isn't happy with the situation, but I have made it clear that in this process, the kids will come first. Also, I have given her a path out of this that allows her to rebuild while saving face. See, my preferred narrative is that "we just drifted apart" rather than "my mean wife hasn't said I love you to me in 13 years and has pushed me away sexually for 2 1/2". If she wants to fight, we switch to the other narrative which paints her in a worse light. Although I am no longer in love with her, I still care for her and her future. Since we have kids together, her future is still part of my future, and I see no need to pursue a scorched earth strategy.
In Sun Tzu's Art of War, he cautions against surrounding an enemy or pushing their back up against the wall. When that happens the enemy will fight with the savagery of men resigned to certain death. Instead, if you can provide a way out, you can either pick them off as they flee or simply win the battle without having to fight. I don't want a fight that nobody can really "win", so this is the path I have chosen. So far, it hasn't exactly been pleasant, but it beats the hell out of the alternative of flying furniture and threats.
Another aspect of the art of not fighting is that my wife an I have had more true conversations than we have had in years - maybe ever. With my "mask" on, important discussions about our children were basically impossible. Every discussion turned to disrespect and anger. Nothing could be accomplished. This week we discussed birth control for our daughter, where we stood on the kid's college education, and how we would live when they eventually leave the nest.
Yesterday, I met with her mom. Her mom is a really great woman (so is my wife, truth be told). What was supposed to be a quick meet before I went to work turned into a 4 1/2 hour conversation with me eventually calling in sick to work. Like my parents, she preferred reconciliation as an option, not truly understanding the pain they were asking me to endure. They both want us to go to counseling. I can say definitively that if they believe this will lead to reconciliation, it is a waste of time. However, if going through the motions to check that item off the list helps other accept things, then I am willing to go. Perhaps I will learn some unpleasant things about myself that will reduce the chance of this happening to me again in the future. As Baza likes to say...get my own shit together.
When I got home, I had a discussion with my wife. It was the last talk we had before I had to head out of town on business, but she had one issue with something I had said. I told her that she didn't love me. She took great issue with this, noting that I can't know her heart and her soul. She then gave me some examples of how she loves me. Her first was that knowing I was going out of town, she took my clothes to the dry cleaners to be ready for my trip. Her second example was that she spent a lot of time considering and planning my Christmas present.
To say the least, this kind of left me floored. After almost a week of time to ponder the issue of not saying "I love you" to me and 2 1/2 years of pushing me away in bed, she expressed her love by picking up the dry cleaning? I wasn't mad, though. This insight presented me with a flash of light. She looks at love as ACTS OF BEING CONSIDERATE and I look at love as PASSION AND AFFECTION with acts of consideration being superficial signs of that love.
Where we left it is that we may have two completely different definitions of what love is. That would explain why there were no tears, pleading, or attempts to "reset" me. From her perspective, there is nothing to reset. If that is the case, I have absolutely made the right decision. I cannot and will not live the rest of my life in "considerate celibacy". I used to believe she did a "bait and switch" on me. Now, I'm not so sure. What I think now is that we both got married without reading the contract we were signing. It turns out that the "terms and conditions" part is really fucking important after all.
We will go to counseling to check a box and maybe learn some things, but now I understand that there is this huge crack in the foundation of the marriage, I know I've done the right thing. I really believe we can be friends when everything is said and done. After all, friends are considerate to each other.
I have been preparing for this moment for some time now. I'm not sure anyone can fully prepare for this, but I did the best I could. The biggest issue I had was that I had no idea what reaction my wife would have. I know that sounds strange...I've been married to the woman for almost two decades, but like many here, it often seems the longer you are together the less you actually know your spouse. I didn't have a specific date and time in mind, but I had prepared a short (3/4 page) letter that I was going to read to her. The purpose of this was to make sure that I said everything that I intended as well as making sure that there was a record so things could not be "mis-rememebered"
I've had this letter basically prepared for several weeks now, but was waiting for a good time to have our conversation. Since I had no idea of her reaction, I wanted to make sure neither of the kids wouldn't be home. This doesn't happen every weekend, but happens often enough. Last weekend was that weekend. So on Sunday morning, letter in hand, I went into our bedroom and told my wife we needed to talk.
I am 44 years old and have cried 4 times in my adult life. I figured I had this thing covered (I had it almost memorized). Read the letter and move onto the Q&A phase of my presentation. Uh huh. It took me 20 minutes to make it through the letter, breaking down and halting throughout. In the past week, I took that 4 times crying and left it in the dust. I've broken down just about every day this week, having to pull over on my way to work. Only today, Friday, have I been able to hold it together. It is still excruciatingly hard, but it does get better every day.
Later on Sunday, I went to my parents to explain this to my mom. She has been even more emotional about this than I have. See, when you live 13 years with a mask stapled to your face, you get really, really good at wearing it. Apparently, I'm a good enough actor that I left everyone in shock. Shammy and his wife? What? How? They are the perfect couple. As I explained to my mom my struggles over the past 13 years, she began to get angry. However, before beginning, I had made her promise to think of Mrs. Shammy the same way tomorrow as she did yesterday.
See, one thing that I didn't fully appreciate over the past year since I made the decision to exit is that during this time, I've been coming to terms with things. I've even accepted them. But I never fully appreciated that, although I am at peace (as much as you can be at peace) about this decision, I didn't anticipate the steamroller I was about to drive over my closest family. If any of you are looking to follow my footsteps, realize that those you hope to be in your "support group" are actually going to need YOUR support first. Somehow, my mom thought I was going to hurt myself, and I had to get my wife and mother in law in the loop to make sure she knew I was OK. Talk about drama.
Over the past week, I've been waiting for the tears, pleading, and attempt to "reset" me with sex. I'm not sure if I should be upset or relieved that these have not come (yet). While she clearly isn't happy with the situation, but I have made it clear that in this process, the kids will come first. Also, I have given her a path out of this that allows her to rebuild while saving face. See, my preferred narrative is that "we just drifted apart" rather than "my mean wife hasn't said I love you to me in 13 years and has pushed me away sexually for 2 1/2". If she wants to fight, we switch to the other narrative which paints her in a worse light. Although I am no longer in love with her, I still care for her and her future. Since we have kids together, her future is still part of my future, and I see no need to pursue a scorched earth strategy.
In Sun Tzu's Art of War, he cautions against surrounding an enemy or pushing their back up against the wall. When that happens the enemy will fight with the savagery of men resigned to certain death. Instead, if you can provide a way out, you can either pick them off as they flee or simply win the battle without having to fight. I don't want a fight that nobody can really "win", so this is the path I have chosen. So far, it hasn't exactly been pleasant, but it beats the hell out of the alternative of flying furniture and threats.
Another aspect of the art of not fighting is that my wife an I have had more true conversations than we have had in years - maybe ever. With my "mask" on, important discussions about our children were basically impossible. Every discussion turned to disrespect and anger. Nothing could be accomplished. This week we discussed birth control for our daughter, where we stood on the kid's college education, and how we would live when they eventually leave the nest.
Yesterday, I met with her mom. Her mom is a really great woman (so is my wife, truth be told). What was supposed to be a quick meet before I went to work turned into a 4 1/2 hour conversation with me eventually calling in sick to work. Like my parents, she preferred reconciliation as an option, not truly understanding the pain they were asking me to endure. They both want us to go to counseling. I can say definitively that if they believe this will lead to reconciliation, it is a waste of time. However, if going through the motions to check that item off the list helps other accept things, then I am willing to go. Perhaps I will learn some unpleasant things about myself that will reduce the chance of this happening to me again in the future. As Baza likes to say...get my own shit together.
When I got home, I had a discussion with my wife. It was the last talk we had before I had to head out of town on business, but she had one issue with something I had said. I told her that she didn't love me. She took great issue with this, noting that I can't know her heart and her soul. She then gave me some examples of how she loves me. Her first was that knowing I was going out of town, she took my clothes to the dry cleaners to be ready for my trip. Her second example was that she spent a lot of time considering and planning my Christmas present.
To say the least, this kind of left me floored. After almost a week of time to ponder the issue of not saying "I love you" to me and 2 1/2 years of pushing me away in bed, she expressed her love by picking up the dry cleaning? I wasn't mad, though. This insight presented me with a flash of light. She looks at love as ACTS OF BEING CONSIDERATE and I look at love as PASSION AND AFFECTION with acts of consideration being superficial signs of that love.
Where we left it is that we may have two completely different definitions of what love is. That would explain why there were no tears, pleading, or attempts to "reset" me. From her perspective, there is nothing to reset. If that is the case, I have absolutely made the right decision. I cannot and will not live the rest of my life in "considerate celibacy". I used to believe she did a "bait and switch" on me. Now, I'm not so sure. What I think now is that we both got married without reading the contract we were signing. It turns out that the "terms and conditions" part is really fucking important after all.
We will go to counseling to check a box and maybe learn some things, but now I understand that there is this huge crack in the foundation of the marriage, I know I've done the right thing. I really believe we can be friends when everything is said and done. After all, friends are considerate to each other.
