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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2017 17:58:38 GMT -5
Congratulations, flashjohn , for taking control of your life. Most of those conversations that I've read about involve the STBX totally consumed with their desire to remain in the relationship. We are not a matter of interest here. Our needs are never a matter of interest, and never were. I suspect that in most or all cases here, there are extreme fears of abandonment involved. And not just our spouses, but us too. Not everyone puts in 10 years or more of total celibacy before punching out. For many people it is a year or less. But I digress. Anyway, it occurred to me that most of us handle this wrong. We announce our decision to divorce, and then defend our decision. That's a loser, at least in terms of Harvard Debating Points. Perhaps a better solution is to ask your spouse the following question: Given the circumstances of our marriage, what's in it for me if I stay? Convince me why *I* want to stay in this relationship. That should force a huge change in the debating dynamics. Your spouse will then try to return to forcing you to defend your decision, in terms of THEIR needs. You might want to ignore all that and just keep repeating the question: "What's in it for me? I'm a party to this marriage too!" I really do appreciate this. My refuser has never been able to tell me what is the upside of being married to her. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 27, 2017 18:46:19 GMT -5
Congratulations, flashjohn , for taking control of your life. Most of those conversations that I've read about involve the STBX totally consumed with their desire to remain in the relationship. We are not a matter of interest here. Our needs are never a matter of interest, and never were. I suspect that in most or all cases here, there are extreme fears of abandonment involved. And not just our spouses, but us too. Not everyone puts in 10 years or more of total celibacy before punching out. For many people it is a year or less. But I digress. Anyway, it occurred to me that most of us handle this wrong. We announce our decision to divorce, and then defend our decision. That's a loser, at least in terms of Harvard Debating Points. Perhaps a better solution is to ask your spouse the following question: Given the circumstances of our marriage, what's in it for me if I stay? Convince me why *I* want to stay in this relationship. That should force a huge change in the debating dynamics. Your spouse will then try to return to forcing you to defend your decision, in terms of THEIR needs. You might want to ignore all that and just keep repeating the question: "What's in it for me? I'm a party to this marriage too!" I really do appreciate this. My refuser has never been able to tell me what is the upside of being married to her. Then she has no basis for keeping you. You are not her entitlement. No wonder she refuses to accept you're leaving. She has nothing left on the table. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 28, 2017 3:43:37 GMT -5
IT was truly amazing! She cannot accept that I don't want to be married to her. We have been living separately since March 1 of 2016, I told her that things have not improved, and I want to move on. She still thinks I should want to work things out. I will be telling my lawyer to get it filed next week. Well I am also asking my friends who I know personally - I am finding many people who are dear to my heart are in SM and really more so LOVELESS Marriages. One of my best trusted friends was in a Sexless Marriage for over 7 years and then found a lady and fell in love and asked his wife for a divorce. She was shocked and could not understand. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2017 23:01:41 GMT -5
Well I am telling my attorney to get the divorce filed. I am ready to start my new life.
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