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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 2:41:49 GMT -5
For me, it's my instinct to protect and not cause harm -- making The Talk a very hard-won moment to get to. I have to REMIND myself daily of why I feel the way I do -- what she has said and done to me over the last decade or more. I have to REMIND myself that I'm the only one watching out for ME. I have to REMIND myself that MY life is worth fighting for and divorcing for. I have been so emotionally abused and yet I continue to get hung up on, 'man, she's going to be devastated'. 'What about me, me?', I have to ask myself repeatedly. That is my biggest mindfuck.
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Post by baza on Jan 26, 2017 4:04:38 GMT -5
I would invite you to examine this matter from the perspective of "thebaffledking" who is absolutely shitting himself at the prospect of telling his missus it is done, and the probable aftermath of such an action.
I would invite you to honour what "thebaffledking" is thinking and is feeling. It is every bit as valid as what anyone else is thinking and / or feeling.
I would invite you to validate "thebaffledking" by speaking your truth.
I would invite you to honour your missus by telling her the truth.
I would invite you to step out into the spotlight and be the authentic "thebaffledking".
There is no more honourable thing to do than this.
Be "you".
The authentic, frightened, fearful and genuine you.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 4:11:45 GMT -5
Brene` Brown - no one moves through anything without first becoming truly vulnerable.
Buddha - Let Go
Dude - Fuck It!
baza, I'm not going to be any more or less 'afraid' than I am today....I have reached my personal terminus of how 'cold' I am able to turn to get this over with.
(I try to read your posts without smiling, but seeing you trussed up on an A-Frame and having your ass flailed by a cat-o-nine-tails or whatever it was........did you HAVE to tell that story, my friend? (-: )
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Post by baza on Jan 26, 2017 4:26:24 GMT -5
You are quite entitled to take a selfish view of proceedings at this point Brother tbk.
It's your life, your choice, your consequence.
As far as the night out at the Hellfire Club goes, I plead the 5th.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 5:38:28 GMT -5
You are quite entitled to take a selfish view of proceedings at this point Brother tbk. It's your life, your choice, your consequence. As far as the night out at the Hellfire Club goes, I plead the 5th. Selfish in the best, most self-preserving, I can't take it anymore way  Now a half hour after writing my OP, I sit down to dinner and she goes into a ramble about a plot her brother has come up with to surprise their mom on her 80th next October. I really don't care other than the fact that she had to add, right now of all times, "I don't want to do a surprise thing. I don't want to sit on a lie and be fake for nine months. I don't like to be surprised, and I don't think my mom does either." Is someone fucking with me up there? I mean, holy shit -- because that is what ALL of us do leading up to our break-away....... and she did it, too, I'm sure. She didn't just wake up one morning and think to herself, 'I don't want sex anymore. I will tell him he can pay for sex, though, and all will be well!' We ALL do it. We sit on our fictions until we're ready to turn them into non-fictions. It's part and parcel of the shithole known as ILIASM. I will also take FULL responsibility for having to gut that one out because had I been out already, I wouldn't have had to hear it. MY BAD. |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 26, 2017 7:48:31 GMT -5
For me, it's my instinct to protect and not cause harm -- making The Talk a very hard-won moment to get to. I have to REMIND myself daily of why I feel the way I do -- what she has said and done to me over the last decade or more. I have to REMIND myself that I'm the only one watching out for ME. I have to REMIND myself that MY life is worth fighting for and divorcing for. I have been so emotionally abused and yet I continue to get hung up on, 'man, she's going to be devastated'. 'What about me, me?', I have to ask myself repeatedly. That is my biggest mindfuck. Because inherently you are A) a good person and B) either still have of had love for her once. Hurting someone is never a good persons first choice but in your situation what other choice do you have? It's hurt her or hurt yourself for the rest of your life. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 26, 2017 8:09:00 GMT -5
It's the hardest thing to do to announce the divorce when you know it's going to hurt someone but you have to put yourself first and your spouse will be sad. However something that I told my spouse because he was so upset and sad that I wanted to end the marriage, I said, "the sadness you have felt for the past 24 hours I have felt for years and in time it will get better".
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 26, 2017 8:32:07 GMT -5
It's the hardest thing to do to announce the divorce when you know it's going to hurt someone but you have to put yourself first and your spouse will be sad. However something that I told my spouse because he was so upset and sad that I wanted to end the marriage, I said, "the sadness you have felt for the past 24 hours I have felt for years and in time it will get better". Pinching this for my talk if that's ok BB  x |
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 8:33:02 GMT -5
For me, it's my instinct to protect and not cause harm -- making The Talk a very hard-won moment to get to. I have to REMIND myself daily of why I feel the way I do -- what she has said and done to me over the last decade or more. I have to REMIND myself that I'm the only one watching out for ME. I have to REMIND myself that MY life is worth fighting for and divorcing for. I have been so emotionally abused and yet I continue to get hung up on, 'man, she's going to be devastated'. 'What about me, me?', I have to ask myself repeatedly. That is my biggest mindfuck. Because inherently you are A) a good person and B) either still have of had love for her once. Hurting someone is never a good persons first choice but in your situation what other choice do you have? It's hurt her or hurt yourself for the rest of your life. Precisely. I hold a LOT of anger over what she has done. But I still remember the person I met at age 19, thirty-six years ago, longer than some mebers here have been alive. And the woman that wanted three kids with me. But that woman no longer exists, and even she has admitted that. She claims to 'hate' how she used to be.......I don't know why. That version was pretty cool. "Everything that is happening at this moment is a result of the choices you've made in the past." — Deepak Chopra |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 26, 2017 8:34:35 GMT -5
For me, it's my instinct to protect and not cause harm -- making The Talk a very hard-won moment to get to. I have to REMIND myself daily of why I feel the way I do -- what she has said and done to me over the last decade or more. I have to REMIND myself that I'm the only one watching out for ME. I have to REMIND myself that MY life is worth fighting for and divorcing for. I have been so emotionally abused and yet I continue to get hung up on, 'man, she's going to be devastated'. 'What about me, me?', I have to ask myself repeatedly. That is my biggest mindfuck. You my friend, are certainly feeling the FOG. (Fear, Obligation,Guilt).How much of that is from years and years of training, through manipulative control? Just your example of her conversation about her mom's B.D. Does she ever first ask you if you would listen, I would like your help with this, and talk about it with her,and give your opinion.? NO. She forces it at you, throws it on you, and makes you sit there and listen to her demands. She then ends it with what she is going to to do about it. Your response? (in your mind) Yes dear. Whatever makes you happy dear, you are always right dear, I have thoughts and opinions, but they hold no value to you dear. Imagine the day you say," I could care less about your mom's B.D. that's her problem. So she doesn't like a surprise? How selfish and arrogant is that? Give her nothing than. Let her do for her self. Tell her to stop demoralizing people, no body want to be around people like that, just like you and your selfish attitude! What about us as a family, forget your relatives, what about us? When's the last time you've given a dam about us and me? She would probably be speechless, or come back with DARVO. That's where you just sit back, smile, and tell her, "you just proved my point, you can't accept it, and you only think about yourself." "She's going to be devastated". Forgive me if I'm wrong on this, I don't think she will be devastated at all. If anything be aware and ready for her to dig in her heals and give you an all out battle for control. You think she's going to roll over like a dead fish? Hardly! She's a pro at manipulation, and she knows how to use it! Reminds me of that old song, "She's a Man-Eater" .This is war, and you have to fight the enemy on their soil with their terms. One positive way to approach this is to remind yourself that you are actually helping her. You are freeing her from having to do all that manipulation, you are giving her a tremendous gift, an opportunity to turn her life around,and make changes. Will she take it, will she ever admit that she is a controller? Probably not. This is no longer your problem or concern. She needs to put on her big girl panties, and fend for herself. I realy think a good refresher for you would be to read/listen to shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/I say this with respect, and sorrow for what you are going through. I'm just a messenger wanting to offer you HOPE. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 8:35:45 GMT -5
It's the hardest thing to do to announce the divorce when you know it's going to hurt someone but you have to put yourself first and your spouse will be sad. However something that I told my spouse because he was so upset and sad that I wanted to end the marriage, I said, "the sadness you have felt for the past 24 hours I have felt for years and in time it will get better". That's beautiful, bb. Thank you. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 26, 2017 8:38:19 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 26, 2017 8:51:52 GMT -5
Nice change in your Avatar too! " Here's lookin' at you kid!" |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 26, 2017 8:53:35 GMT -5
Nice change in your Avatar too! " Here's lookin' at you kid!" I'm keepin my beady eye on you lot lol! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 26, 2017 9:10:07 GMT -5
It's the hardest thing to do to announce the divorce when you know it's going to hurt someone but you have to put yourself first and your spouse will be sad. However something that I told my spouse because he was so upset and sad that I wanted to end the marriage, I said, "the sadness you have felt for the past 24 hours I have felt for years and in time it will get better". Pinching this for my talk if that's ok BB x Of course honey! Xo |
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