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Post by baza on Jan 24, 2017 16:54:18 GMT -5
I think that fundamental (or core) values are critical in an adult relationships.
Further, I don't think that there are a heap of core values necessary, just a few, such as -
- respect
- honesty
- reliability
(And these traits are pretty good things to have generally, not just in an adult relationship)
If you both have these core values in common, then other aspects of the relationship can be as diverse as you like (and a diversity of interests is not at all a bad thing necessarily)
Ms enna and I share a few basic fundamental core values. We are exactly on the same page with those.
Outside of that, we have wildly divergent views on numerous subjects, and are very different people.
She is big on social justice (I am one of the most non PC people you'll ever meet)
I am in to sport and getting drunk with my mates at times (Ms enna drinks very sparingly and is in to more genteel things)
She is highly educated and expert in her chosen field (I left school at 17, and work part time at a brain-dead casual job)
But, I agree entirely that fundamental values are a key to a good relationship.
I think those fundamental values do NOT have to be in every facet of the relationship - just in the important core areas.
Obviously wanting to root each other would be one of them, but as guidelines, I reckon that "respect/honesty/reliability" will carry a relationship a long way
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Post by csl on Jan 24, 2017 17:24:38 GMT -5
I completely agree, but then, sometimes God just laughs at us and creates a James Carville/Mary Matalin.  |
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Post by baza on Jan 24, 2017 17:57:22 GMT -5
I completely agree, but then, sometimes God just laughs at us and creates a James Carville/Mary Matalin. That brings up an important core value too Brother csl. Spirituality / religion is probably a core value too. Ms enna and I are not religious at all - and that works out ok. Just as it would probably work out if we were both religious. But I figure if one was religious and the other not, that could be a big sticking point. And I suspect that the Lord does have a finely developed sense of humour. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 13:31:01 GMT -5
Mr. Kat and I rarely had a serious disagreement on anything - except how to deal with his libido-killing health problems.
And I have to admit - sometimes it's sort of sexy to be with a man with disagrees with me politically to an extent. Maybe that conflict, that challenge, adds a little spice. "You can't totally conquer me,"
etc.
But with me and Mr. Kat, before things went south, our agreement on politics helped us bond, like we were in an underground resistance movement together. (We met when George W. Bush was U.S. President, and we both opposed Bush.)
So, I guess for me, politics is not a dealbreaker.
But if a man lacks basic values like kindness, fairness, empathy, etc. - THAT would be a dealbreaker.
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2017 15:33:56 GMT -5
Considering that core values often are at the basis of decision making .... I feel that there has to be
some compatibility in order for both people to be able to live with the outcomes of those decisions.
I cannot imagine living with a zealot for instance. I'd want to walk out Every Single Day. Doesn't matter
if it's PETA or The Socialist State based on the writings of Mao or the Church Cult of Scientology.
I could not share my life with some Hippy Chick who thinks she doesn't need to budget money because
"the universe will provide when I need some" and thinks she can overcome gravity by force of will
wishful thinking. (Much as I happen to be attracted to Hippy Chicks otherwise).
To me, those are some core values.
I see things like tolerance, empathy, kindness, tolerance of ambiguity, respect for other people as people, as
personality traits.
Or as interpersonal skills.
And of course, some people, based on their core values, dismiss all of these as "wishy washy bullshit".
They would not be contenders for my affections, either.
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Post by LITW on Jan 25, 2017 16:50:23 GMT -5
I agree with you totally.
My first wife and I were not compatible on any level. (How I got involved in that marriage is a story for another 10 pages that I don't want to write.) So when I met my wife, we had a lot of discussions about core values. She and I have the same stand on kindness, fairness, empathy, religion, and politics. Where we differ is sex. In fact, we are so not on the same page as to be in two different books. I was blind to that because I really wanted the marriage to work. I now wish I had recognized the incompatibility at the beginning and done something about it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 20:16:22 GMT -5
petrushka, correct me if I'm wrong - it sounds like one of your values is moderation. No zealots. Me too. I don't see how anybody can be all one way or all another way, and never even try to look at a bigger picture.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 25, 2017 20:44:50 GMT -5
Two of my greatest values are intelligence and creativity. When we met, my wife and I could discuss a number of issues. And she could sing like it's nobody's business. She had a wonderful soprano voice and could tone it down to sing standards. I remember her singing "My Funny Valentine" to me.
Now, she forgets everything. Her voice is gone. She just doesn't think about anyone or anything. I tried to get her to draw or paint, but she barely does that.
I need a muse. I need someone to give me that spark, to inspire me, and to push me. My wife no longer does any of the three.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 25, 2017 20:48:19 GMT -5
I agree with you totally. My first wife and I were not compatible on any level. (How I got involved in that marriage is a story for another 10 pages that I don't want to write.) So when I met my wife, we had a lot of discussions about core values. She and I have the same stand on kindness, fairness, empathy, religion, and politics. Where we differ is sex. In fact, we are so not on the same page as to be in two different books. I was blind to that because I really wanted the marriage to work. I now wish I had recognized the incompatibility at the beginning and done something about it. Don't feel guilty about it, so many of us are experiencing it. Values was a HUGE factor in my choice for a wife. Her choice and boundaries to remain a "v" until after the wedding, was a very high value! Your list and mine are the same. I think the build up of the expectations was lacking. There was to much blind trust, and lack of concern that their would be any problems in the sex department. So many of the other values showed a caring, giving, loving ,selfless, person. A HUGE blind spot has been, the control of finances. Not a matter of greed, or materialism, or coveting, or idolizing, but CONTROL, by me allowing through trust, and her manipulating through zero communication. Kind of goes full circle back to intimacy and sex. |
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2017 21:52:43 GMT -5
petrushka , correct me if I'm wrong - it sounds like one of your values is moderation. No zealots. Me too. I don't see how anybody can be all one way or all another way, and never even try to look at a bigger picture. It's purely pragmatic, as far as I am concerned: Zealots in my experience have ONE core value that overrides everything else, partner, family, friendship all play second fiddle to The Cause or The Faith. It also often overrides ethics and morals, even overrides instances where they should know better. They will throw you to the wolves if they think it's in the interest of the Cause. That goes against everything I believe in. My life is based on a balance between emotion and rational thought, living together under one cranial roof -- not on Faith. The people I interact with are more important to me than some dogma. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2017 12:51:48 GMT -5
Love is such a little bugger it gets us to look past flaws, values and views. It a wonderful all consuming feeling. You can't beat yourself up now for not seeing the writing on the wall because even with all the crap I never regretted falling in love ❤️
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 27, 2017 16:24:10 GMT -5
Fundamental values of honesty, decency and especially trustworthiness are basic to any relationship.
Religion is a difficult area. My wife is profoundly and deeply religious; I never was but, initially, I was open minded and willing to support her in her beliefs. Now, after enduring many unhappy years of marriage I am a profound and happy atheist. I won't say much more on the subject lest I start to froth... but, personally, I would advise against a union such as mine, not unless you want to find yourself playing second fiddle to your spouse's imaginary friend.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 10:47:27 GMT -5
petrushka, correct me if I'm wrong - it sounds like one of your values is moderation. No zealots. Me too. I don't see how anybody can be all one way or all another way, and never even try to look at a bigger picture. But what if your partner is guilty of immoderate moderation? |
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Post by csl on Feb 4, 2017 12:35:15 GMT -5
petrushka , correct me if I'm wrong - it sounds like one of your values is moderation. No zealots. Me too. I don't see how anybody can be all one way or all another way, and never even try to look at a bigger picture. But what if your partner is guilty of immoderate moderation? Methodists practice "all things in moderation." A few years back, we went to a wine shop to buy something for my mom, and during the tasting, Wife decided she didn't like the stuff, and so announced that when it comes to wine, she will practice extreme moderation. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 13:13:54 GMT -5
But what if your partner is guilty of immoderate moderation? Methodists practice "all things in moderation." A few years back, we went to a wine shop to buy something for my mom, and during the tasting, Wife decided she didn't like the stuff, and so announced that when it comes to wine, she will practice extreme moderation. My wife had the same reaction to black tar heroin. Go figure... to each their own I guess. |
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