If I Have Learned NOTHING Else, I Have Learned These Things

new

« Prev
1
Next »

thebaffledking
Full Member

Posts: 329

Age Range: 51-55

If I Have Learned NOTHING Else, I Have Learned These Things Jan 21, 2017 22:59:14 GMT -5 Rhapsodee, GeekGoddess, and 8 more like this

Quote

Post by thebaffledking on Jan 21, 2017 22:59:14 GMT -5

* They do not give you the same care and courtesy that you give them. Even when the water is calm, it is only calm because they have set it up to be that way and you have gone along against your own intuition and beliefs. Make a wave and see what happens.

* Do not let yourself deny or question the pain and hurt of rejection and criticism. It is REAL. When they are being 'nice' it's only because you've been compliant to THEIR needs and how THEY want things to be. They don't give a flying fuck about YOUR needs or the way YOU'D like things to be. The relationship is broken. It is functional incompatibility at best.

* Do not mistake THEIR CONTROL for 'peace' in the home. The peace is coming at the expense of your sanity, your soul, and your quality of life.

* They truly do not understand your need for intimacy and never will..........and they WILL find ways to disparage you for the 'way you are'.

* LEAVE and never look back

[these are reminders for folks in an emotionally abusive, often narc-empath, trauma-bonded marriage......and won't apply to everyone]

Did I miss anything?

Last Edit: Jan 21, 2017 22:59:55 GMT -5 by thebaffledking

In the betrayal of his love he awakened
To face a world of cold reality

bballgirl Senior Members Posts: 3,462	If I Have Learned NOTHING Else, I Have Learned These Things Jan 21, 2017 23:05:08 GMT -5 via mobile GeekGoddess, greatcoastal, and 3 more like this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by bballgirl on Jan 21, 2017 23:05:08 GMT -5 I'd only add - Talk to an attorney before you leave. The rest was spot on.

thebaffledking
Full Member

Posts: 329

Age Range: 51-55

If I Have Learned NOTHING Else, I Have Learned These Things Jan 21, 2017 23:13:02 GMT -5 greatcoastal, bballgirl, and 2 more like this

Quote

Post by thebaffledking on Jan 21, 2017 23:13:02 GMT -5

That's been done. My case is very clean, very simple. I'm okay with the likely division of my pay and retirement (such as they are 'law'). We have no property and the kids are grown. As basic as it gets.

In the betrayal of his love he awakened
To face a world of cold reality

deborahmanning
Junior Member

Posts: 82

Age Range: 51-55

If I Have Learned NOTHING Else, I Have Learned These Things Jan 21, 2017 23:51:54 GMT -5 novembercomingfire, lyn, and 2 more like this

Quote

Post by deborahmanning on Jan 21, 2017 23:51:54 GMT -5

I can share a bit of shorthand I came up with, to remind myself not to feel guilty for eating the dinners he made, or accepting other types of practical "caring":

Hunger strikes are rare.

That is, even a prisoner held by force, who hates every bone in his jailer's body, will eat when food is put before him, and sleep when the lights go down. We are biological organisms despite all our force of will, with a powerful instinct to survive. Our "caretakers" want us kept in place and functioning well enough to make them not look, or feel too bad. There's no shame in going along and eating their food, until the right time comes for freedom.

baza
Senior Members

Tread your own path

Posts: 5,556

If I Have Learned NOTHING Else, I Have Learned These Things Jan 22, 2017 0:26:03 GMT -5 misssunnybunny, lyn, and 2 more like this

Quote

Post by baza on Jan 22, 2017 0:26:03 GMT -5

I'd just add on this - after the "LEAVE and never look back" bit.

Once the smoke has cleared a bit, do an autopsy on the deal.
In partic, what your role was, what baggage you have accrued as a result of your involvement in your ILIASM shithole, what baggage you might have been carrying before, that you got into an ILIASM shithole.

These would all be good things to think through, and address if necessary.
Won't help the old deal, but it may be invaluable should there be a 'next time' for you.

If the opportunity (and appropriate candidate) emerge in your future, you want to be at your best.

Indeed it's a bit like the reverse of "see a lawyer in your jurisdiction - - - - etc.
But in this case, could read - "See a therapist in your jurisdiction, and start putting a re-entry strategy to re-join the real world, and knock it onto do-able status. Attend to your support network, friends / family".

Last Edit: Jan 22, 2017 1:52:39 GMT -5 by baza

Shoutbox

This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)

mirrororchid: We've compared denier/refuser spouses to prison wardens. Dr. Psychmom has compared them to hostage takers and the unhappy spouse has Stockholm syndrome. Prisoners can't leave. Stockholm hostages don't because they want a good outcome for the captor. Sept 10, 2024 18:54:11 GMT -5

mirrororchid: Heard on a podcast: "Dating is where we present our best selves. Vulnerability is the opposite. Where we risk our partner knowing things that are imperfect. This is the way to forge the life partner bond." Sept 10, 2024 19:17:03 GMT -5

jerri: Gems!Hiya precious people

Sept 12, 2024 0:05:11 GMT -5

week5of35years: My Wife had 30 free mins before she had to start work this AM... I said.. "lets have a quick shag" and she said she was going to walk the dog instead.... Still work to do.... Sept 17, 2024 3:51:34 GMT -5

isthisit: Week 5; For once I am in your wife’s corner on this one, I’d have walked the dog too! You need to work in your delivery there… Sept 20, 2024 0:01:57 GMT -5

week5of35years: LOL, in my defence, I squeezed her boobs as we were waking up and she was pretty responsive ...... If that had just come out of the blue I would have smacked myself in the face .... ha ha ha Sept 23, 2024 5:54:56 GMT -5

mirrororchid: "Teamwork makes the dream work." - "Ever heard of the Pareto principle?" Sept 29, 2024 14:50:23 GMT -5 *

worksforme2: Happy Birthday shamwow.... Oct 11, 2024 8:03:34 GMT -5

worksforme2: Happy Birthday greatcoastal,...interesting detail above, 6714 posts in one day... Oct 14, 2024 8:44:23 GMT -5

greatcoastal: Thanks for the Happy B.D. wishes worksforme2! Oct 14, 2024 21:06:49 GMT -5

worksforme2: Happy Birthday misssunnybunny.... Oct 23, 2024 5:51:58 GMT -5

misssunnybunny: Thank you!!

Oct 23, 2024 9:20:24 GMT -5

wewbwb: Happy birthday misssunnybunny! You are awesomeness! Oct 24, 2024 17:49:43 GMT -5

misssunnybunny: Thank you!!

Oct 26, 2024 14:27:37 GMT -5

worksforme2: Rest in Peace Teri Garr Oct 29, 2024 14:33:58 GMT -5

worksforme2: Happy Birthday tiredoftears.... Nov 8, 2024 6:02:55 GMT -5

worksforme2: Happy Birthday mirrororchid,... Nov 11, 2024 6:35:23 GMT -5

week5of35years: Happy Biffday mirrororchid... may you have many un-sexless years ahead!!!! Nov 11, 2024 10:13:25 GMT -5 *

mirrororchid: Thanks, fellas. Nov 12, 2024 19:57:40 GMT -5

worksforme2: Happy Birthday baza,.... Nov 22, 2024 7:26:38 GMT -5

If I Have Learned NOTHING Else, I Have Learned These Things

Post by thebaffledking on Jan 21, 2017 22:59:14 GMT -5

Post by bballgirl on Jan 21, 2017 23:05:08 GMT -5

Post by thebaffledking on Jan 21, 2017 23:13:02 GMT -5

Post by deborahmanning on Jan 21, 2017 23:51:54 GMT -5

Post by baza on Jan 22, 2017 0:26:03 GMT -5

Shoutbox