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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 21, 2017 6:19:06 GMT -5
I have garnered some real nuggets here in the past few days. The effect is like taking a tangled mess of spaghetti strands and getting them laid out in nice, manageable lines. One was a story about a military man who took a very calculated and no-nonsense line on informing his wife it was over (I think this was from GC?). I work with the military day in and day out so this one really spoke to me and gave me a good idea of how verbally minimal the statement of intent needs to be. I received the same type of advice from the lovely lyn . Just say this then this then this, and end it. Cold, surgical precision is the take-away for me. Draw firm boundaries around what you will say and then say no more. This first step is a statement of intent from the giver, and straight-up information for the receiver. It's not a time for ANY other discussion; not money, not logistics, and definitely not mud-slinging. "Anything else can be discussed at a later time." Surgical. Cold without malice. In and out. And I needed that. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 21, 2017 6:30:09 GMT -5
You don't leave an iliasm situation for no reason. For most of us it has taken years or decades to get to that point.
Everything has been tried, there have been endless discussions without results.
And some day you know it will never get better. It is what it is and you either live with that or you leave.
So when you actually are leaving, nothing has to be said to repeat former discussions. No attempts have to be made anymore to make improvements.
Accusations don't need to be said as well. It is what it is and it is not working for you. (For both probably, but the spouses' part is theirs' to deal with.)
The only thing that needs to be said is "I am leaving".
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Post by baza on Jan 21, 2017 6:58:39 GMT -5
Good points above.
In the very short term exit planning - as in where and when you drop the bomb - tee up somewhere you can stay the night if need be.
If you know your missus' best friends number (and if you are feeling generous and feel it appropriate) call this person after you drop the bomb and let them know that your missus may need a friend right now. Keep that short too if you decide to do it.
You too. Have some one to talk to afterward if you need them.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 21, 2017 8:29:30 GMT -5
You don't leave an iliasm situation for no reason. For most of us it has taken years or decades to get to that point. Everything has been tried, there have been endless discussions without results. And some day you know it will never get better. It is what it is and you either live with that or you leave. So when you actually are leaving, nothing has to be said to repeat former discussions. No attempts have to be made anymore to make improvements. Accusations don't need to be said as well. It is what it is and it is not working for you. (For both probably, but the spouses' part is theirs' to deal with.) The only thing that needs to be said is "I am leaving". Excellent, tamara! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 21, 2017 8:46:34 GMT -5
I found , the 4 most powerful words were, "I hired an attorney". You will be bringing action with your statement. Behind it are more people with legal authority. You have re-created the playing field, and are starting with a ten point lead. My next sentence was "I am ending our marriage".
Not "I want a divorce". That has too many holes in it.
"I am ending our marriage", is taking full responsibility for yourself, your life, your future. From that second forward, no matter what ANYONE says, spouse, court, attorneys, family,etc...YOU are single and free, it's over. Let the healing begin.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 21, 2017 8:56:31 GMT -5
I found , the 4 most powerful words were, "I hired an attorney". You will be bringing action with your statement. Behind it are more people with legal authority. You have re-created the playing field, and are starting with a ten point lead. My next sentence was "I am ending our marriage". Not "I want a divorce". That has too many holes in it. "I am ending our marriage", is taking full responsibility for yourself, your life, your future. From that second forward, no matter what ANYONE says, spouse, court, attorneys, family,etc...YOU are single and free, it's over. Let the healing begin. Excellent points, GC |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 21, 2017 9:55:21 GMT -5
I found , the 4 most powerful words were, "I hired an attorney". You will be bringing action with your statement. Behind it are more people with legal authority. You have re-created the playing field, and are starting with a ten point lead. My next sentence was "I am ending our marriage". Not "I want a divorce". That has too many holes in it. "I am ending our marriage", is taking full responsibility for yourself, your life, your future. From that second forward, no matter what ANYONE says, spouse, court, attorneys, family,etc...YOU are single and free, it's over. Let the healing begin. I love this GC. Perfect x |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 21, 2017 12:44:16 GMT -5
I found , the 4 most powerful words were, "I hired an attorney". You will be bringing action with your statement. Behind it are more people with legal authority. You have re-created the playing field, and are starting with a ten point lead. My next sentence was "I am ending our marriage". Not "I want a divorce". That has too many holes in it. "I am ending our marriage", is taking full responsibility for yourself, your life, your future. From that second forward, no matter what ANYONE says, spouse, court, attorneys, family,etc...YOU are single and free, it's over. Let the healing begin. Discussing the end of a marriage is like engaging in a fistfight, with mutual knowledge that a gun is sitting on the table beside both of you. There is a scene in a great little action move called The Rundown, where the protagonist does just that, and the editing keeps cutting to the gun, as all parties in the room - winners and losers - are aware of it. The attorney is the gun. Mrs Apocrypha and I have had two discussions in which our marriage ended. One, prior to reinlisting as an open marriage and completely redefining the marriage, our expectations and to a very large extent ourselves (via other changes that most people do when they get divorced). The other, later, when we called time. "I hired an attorney" is an escalator. It's pointing a gun, and it means they other person is now going to need to get their gun. That is now the level on which the conflict will be engaged, with emotions running hot. When we had some frank talk during our few years of reconciliation, we both discussed our experiences in lawyering up. Each of our lawyers discussed how to bring the hammer down on our partner. When I pulled the plug the second time, I suspected that I was able to negotiate terms with Mrs Apocrypha that would help her avoid what she was most afraid of - me taking away her children. We both had frank discussions in which we put our cards on the table about what we were afraid would happen, and what we hoped a good post-divorce relationship would look like for us and our children a couple years down the road. We decided, for the time being, to work that out between us and have so far held to that. Now, with the hurt receding, we are in a better place to talk about our goals and formalize our separation, involving lawyers the least amount possible. Not everyone is in a position to do that. It still involves a lot of trust and faith in a partner's commitment at least toward retaining some benefits of the union. In my case, my goal wasn't to "win the war", it was to win the peace. |
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