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Post by RumRunner on Apr 23, 2016 19:25:25 GMT -5
Just for conversation, let's say we were together, and I showed you a nude pick of a sexual act. I say," I would like you to think about doing this sometime?" Does that come across as passive/aggressive or taking the lead? My thoughts: that is taking the lead. I have just put myself up for the chance of rejection, manipulation, and disappointment.It's asking in a manor that is respectful not selfish. It opens up conversation such as: This is something I want, would you want that too? Would you do it anyways and possibly like it? Would you do it because I like it? Can we trade off, is there something you would like that I wouldn't, but I would do it for you? Doesn't this relate to communication in general? And in many aspects of a relationship? Compare this to telling your spouse, " we will be doing this, at such and such a time!" I see" passive" as much more respectful, and caring. Compared to someone who, " makes decisions, takes charge, takes the lead, and manipulates to keep their way! Hope I worded this well, that it is not to deep. It is something to ponder for the future. PS. My wife would use this as a crutch to never have sex because I cheated by looking at porn,..ever! (" I would like you to think about doing this sometime?") I would get a questionable sounding, " okay" answer, or a blank stare. Then nothing would ever happen. typical manipulative controller. I would think that this is what you would call communication. Your partner can say no if they want, (most likely my wife would say no) it isn't as if you said "this is what you are going to do." But you are simply stating something that you would like. Besides that to answer you question, I would say you would definitely be taking the lead, because you are leading in the conversation to try something different. If looking at porn is cheating, then I am in deep doo doo for sure! lol |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 23:52:07 GMT -5
I think it's taking the lead, but not in a bossy or aggressive way. More like making a suggestion.
I will second what JMX said, though: I'd rather have a description than a picture. If I got to comparing myself to the woman in the picture, I'd feel self-conscious and be less likely to enjoy it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2016 14:50:59 GMT -5
It might not work on me, unless the "let's try it sometime line, were worded something "I would LOVE to make you come this way, Z, when we have our date night."
I have learned NOT to react to things that are not explicitly stated, because there is a great deal of passive-aggressiveness between H and I.
Alao, because I find a man who is direct to be very appealing. I can be a bit of a handful, aggressive and intimidating, without intending to be. So I roll right over people. The people who know me best, know to look me straight in the eye and say, "We are doing X, Y and Z, because blah blah blah," instead of "what do you think about X, Y, Z."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2016 17:20:33 GMT -5
Definitely taking the lead. Communication is essential and key before having sex. Honestly before I would have sex with someone I'm asking them straight up "so you like eating pussy?". Sending a picture to someone is yes direct and playful! Very important to communicate. I accidentally in an Ambien haze sent a hot sex pic to a girl I was just getting to know. When I realized what I had done I was mortified and sure she thought I was a pervert. But she liked it and it sure made talking about sex easier after that. Thank God it wasn't one of my bondage pics... |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2016 17:44:36 GMT -5
I think it's taking the lead, but not in a bossy or aggressive way. More like making a suggestion. I will second what JMX said, though: I'd rather have a description than a picture. If I got to comparing myself to the woman in the picture, I'd feel self-conscious and be less likely to enjoy it. Agreed, if I tried this I'd make sure the guy in the picture had a smaller dick than me. I'm sure there are some out there... |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 24, 2016 18:02:16 GMT -5
Definitely taking the lead. Communication is essential and key before having sex. Honestly before I would have sex with someone I'm asking them straight up "so you like eating pussy?". Sending a picture to someone is yes direct and playful! Very important to communicate. I accidentally in an Ambien haze sent a hot sex pic to a girl I was just getting to know. When I realized what I had done I was mortified and sure she thought I was a pervert. But she liked it and it sure made talking about sex easier after that. Thank God it wasn't one of my bondage pics... Funny! Playful pics can totally break the ice. I have one where it shows the 12 zodiac signs and a different sex position for each. So instead of asking "what's your sign?" I'll ask what's your top two signs? Playful, fun, communicative and if they are offended then they're not my type. My refuser would have been turned off. |
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Post by TMD on Apr 24, 2016 18:50:49 GMT -5
I have one where it shows the 12 zodiac signs and a different sex position for each. So instead of asking "what's your sign?" I'll ask what's your top two signs? Share the picture!?! Sounds fun! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2016 19:29:07 GMT -5
I accidentally in an Ambien haze sent a hot sex pic to a girl I was just getting to know. When I realized what I had done I was mortified and sure she thought I was a pervert. But she liked it and it sure made talking about sex easier after that. Thank God it wasn't one of my bondage pics... Funny! Playful pics can totally break the ice. I have one where it shows the 12 zodiac signs and a different sex position for each. So instead of asking "what's your sign?" I'll ask what's your top two signs? Playful, fun, communicative and if they are offended then they're not my type. My refuser would have been turned off. There are 12 ways to have sex? |
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Post by petrushka on May 2, 2016 7:08:49 GMT -5
Taking the lead, absolutely. 3ish years into an affair, and my AP and I have built a solid foundation of trust overall, but also for this convo re: intimacy. We have shared fantasies. We have fulfilled many. More to go. And he recently added one t the list that surprised me. An article I read recently confirmed that in a mutually respectful relationship, when a fantasy is shared by one partner, the other takes it into consideration, as opposed to dismissing it. Further, if I entertain the idea and agree to participate, and if I don't enjoy the act, that's okay too. But at least I was willing to give it a go. Which tells my partner that I care and want to make him happy. And that he's not a deviant -- which is a terrible message to send somebody when they've been vulnerable with you by sharing the fantasy. Does that make sense? I'm running on very little sleep today. So, I will try out this fantasy with my partner. We will establish some ground rules because it involves a third. And we will go from there. I expect it won't be fulfilled for a few years. But we can put it in list. On a side note: he and I are taking a short trip together this week. While at store the other day, I saw a men's magazine (not a naked picture kind, by has sexy pics) and will pick it up for him. His wife is beyond horrified that he'd enjoy looking at a woman's body. I don't see the issue with it. THIS ! footnote, if you make this much sense when you're running on very little sleep .... ah! |
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Post by TMD on May 2, 2016 12:16:21 GMT -5
petrushka - lol. Talk to me later today. Im running on several days of little sleep.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 17:07:13 GMT -5
Well, since you are a man, I would run away!
However, if a woman I was involved with did this, I would probably be moved to tears, drop down on my knees, and thank God for her. To me, this would mean she liked sex, she wanted me, and she actually fantasized about exciting sexual things we could do together. I would not be offended in the least, not even if the guy had a perfect body and a huge penis. The fact that she showed it to me and wanted to try it would be so wonderful that I would be grateful.
However, I would seriously doubt that anything good would come out of this with a refusing cheater. In that situation, such a person would view this as unneccesarily intrusive, accusatory, and an attempt to force porn on that person. Of course, this would not be true, but a refusing cheater is just that way.
If a spouse is selfish and abusive enough to refuse or limit sexual interaction, then that spouse is certainly not going to be interested in any suggestion of improving the sex live. In my opinion, the refusing spouse is interested in controlling the relationship and any unapproved action by the refused spouse is going to result in seriously negative action.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 19:38:19 GMT -5
if I was in a relationship with steady sex it would be fine
I am just trying to have any kind of sex at all. Pictures, no pictures, etc...
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Post by greatcoastal on May 2, 2016 19:47:38 GMT -5
Well, since you are a man, I would run away! However, if a woman I was involved with did this, I would probably be moved to tears, drop down on my knees, and thank God for her. To me, this would mean she liked sex, she wanted me, and she actually fantasized about exciting sexual things we could do together. I would not be offended in the least, not even if the guy had a perfect body and a huge penis. The fact that she showed it to me and wanted to try it would be so wonderful that I would be grateful. However, I would seriously doubt that anything good would come out of this with a refusing cheater. In that situation, such a person would view this as unneccesarily intrusive, accusatory, and an attempt to force porn on that person. Of course, this would not be true, but a refusing cheater is just that way. If a spouse is selfish and abusive enough to refuse or limit sexual interaction, then that spouse is certainly not going to be interested in any suggestion of improving the sex live. In my opinion, the refusing spouse is interested in controlling the relationship and any unapproved action by the refused spouse is going to result in seriously negative action. You are spot on with your analogy! When writing this I was thinking about, " the future" and how someone else would gladly accept advances, or taking the lead, in any form,including sex/intimacy. Compared to the, " less than helpful, never good enough " refuser attitude that I have passively lived with. this brings to mind, " love languages" and how, for months, I went above and beyond to give many, random acts of service, directly to my wife, disciplining the children even more, picking up after everyone, even more, more cleaning, more dinners and nights out, only to discover that these things go un-noticed, and the theme of " less than helpful" is like an engrained excuse to justify her detachment. While avoiding any of her own issues. |
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Post by warmways on May 2, 2016 21:01:33 GMT -5
if we were having sex and had an open communicative style and we're both psyched and into sex absolutely. If I knew he loved me and was really there for me and cared, paid attention, etc I'd be into the picture though right now the image I see of perfect woman's body and my current mate showing me this photo would kind of feel cold and threatening and it would piss me off that after 14 years he just throws down a pic.
I know you're not talking about a sexless relationship though. I love it when the man takes the lead.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 2, 2016 21:23:39 GMT -5
if we were having sex and had an open communicative style and we're both psyched and into sex absolutely. If I knew he loved me and was really there for me and cared, paid attention, etc I'd be into the picture though right now the image I see of perfect woman's body and my current mate showing me this photo would kind of feel cold and threatening and it would piss me off that after 14 years he just throws down a pic. I know you're not talking about a sexless relationship though. I love it when the man takes the lead. Maybe this "showing a picture" is a good way of thinking about what a healthy, loving, intimate relationship should be able to handle. Many of us have the same, " not my refuser" story that has lost any chance of resurrection! Welcome, great to hear from you! Feel free to continue to share with us! |
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