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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 23, 2016 12:28:12 GMT -5
Just for conversation, let's say we were together, and I showed you a nude pick of a sexual act. I say," I would like you to think about doing this sometime?" Does that come across as passive/aggressive or taking the lead?
My thoughts: that is taking the lead. I have just put myself up for the chance of rejection, manipulation, and disappointment.It's asking in a manor that is respectful not selfish. It opens up conversation such as:
This is something I want, would you want that too?
Would you do it anyways and possibly like it?
Would you do it because I like it?
Can we trade off, is there something you would like that I wouldn't, but I would do it for you?
Doesn't this relate to communication in general? And in many aspects of a relationship?
Compare this to telling your spouse, " we will be doing this, at such and such a time!"
I see" passive" as much more respectful, and caring. Compared to someone who, " makes decisions, takes charge, takes the lead, and manipulates to keep their way!
Hope I worded this well, that it is not to deep. It is something to ponder for the future.
PS. My wife would use this as a crutch to never have sex because I cheated by looking at porn,..ever! (" I would like you to think about doing this sometime?") I would get a questionable sounding, " okay" answer, or a blank stare. Then nothing would ever happen.
typical manipulative controller.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 13:00:17 GMT -5
Just for conversation, let's say we were together, and I showed you a nude pick of a sexual act. I say," I would like you to think about doing this sometime?" Does that come across as passive/aggressive or taking the lead? PS. My wife would use this as a crutch to never have sex because I cheated by looking at porn,..ever! (" I would like you to think about doing this sometime?") I would get a questionable sounding, " okay" answer, or a blank stare. Then nothing would ever happen. typical manipulative controller. To me, it sounds like taking the lead, but in an open, inviting way. I would be pleased that you saw a sexual picture and thought of me, even if it was something I hadn't considered or was especially drawn to. But then, I'm not a refusing spouse looking for excuses not to have sex. |
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 23, 2016 13:25:58 GMT -5
Passive aggressive would be 'I bet they're having a great time.' and a hard stare.
I grew up with passive aggressive parents and became quite good at it myself until I learned to be assertive.
Yours is a direct, honest statement....however, showing someone pictures of sex acts when they don't want to see them is a form of harassment and abuse. Obviously I don't know the context.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 23, 2016 15:16:56 GMT -5
Just for conversation, let's say we were together, and I showed you a nude pick of a sexual act. I say," I would like you to think about doing this sometime?" Does that come across as passive/aggressive or taking the lead? PS. My wife would use this as a crutch to never have sex because I cheated by looking at porn,..ever! (" I would like you to think about doing this sometime?") I would get a questionable sounding, " okay" answer, or a blank stare. Then nothing would ever happen. typical manipulative controller. To me, it sounds like taking the lead, but in an open, inviting way. I would be pleased that you saw a sexual picture and thought of me, even if it was something I hadn't considered or was especially drawn to. But then, I'm not a refusing spouse looking for excuses not to have sex. I am certainly going to talk, communicate, (even with pics) with a future partner, to avoid another SM! |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 23, 2016 15:21:33 GMT -5
I think asking for what you want is absolutely vital. For me though showing someone a picture rather than just asking might be weird. It might just underline that you can't talk about stuff. I guess it depends on the relationship.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 23, 2016 15:24:51 GMT -5
Definitely taking the lead. Communication is essential and key before having sex. Honestly before I would have sex with someone I'm asking them straight up "so you like eating pussy?". Sending a picture to someone is yes direct and playful! Very important to communicate.
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Post by JMX on Apr 23, 2016 15:32:30 GMT -5
Yeah. Describe it for me - don't show me a picture of someone or "someones" doing it. I would want to see myself in the description, not think about you looking at porn to find a representation of what you were thinking about.
Why does this conjure up an image in my mind of a heavy woman tied up with an apple in her mouth - like she is about ready to be the feast at a luau? I don't know...
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Post by Isabellas39 on Apr 23, 2016 15:40:43 GMT -5
Definitely taking the lead. Communication is essential and key before having sex. Honestly before I would have sex with someone I'm asking them straight up "so you like eating pussy?". Sending a picture to someone is yes direct and playful! Very important to communicate. This made me laugh out loud for real !! I agree with you though, I would ask if they enjoy it, and if they are good at it too lol...I view it as being direct about things you want or desire...I probably wouldn't use a picture, but whatever works based on the situation.. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 23, 2016 16:02:42 GMT -5
Definitely taking the lead. Communication is essential and key before having sex. Honestly before I would have sex with someone I'm asking them straight up "so you like eating pussy?". Sending a picture to someone is yes direct and playful! Very important to communicate. This made me laugh out loud for real !! I agree with you though, I would ask if they enjoy it, and if they are good at it too lol...I view it as being direct about things you want or desire...I probably wouldn't use a picture, but whatever works based on the situation.. I am not sure how many straight answers you would get. Umm... Don't really like and actually I'm really bad at it. Wanna fuck me anyway? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 23, 2016 16:05:33 GMT -5
I think asking for what you want is absolutely vital. For me though showing someone a picture rather than just asking might be weird. It might just underline that you can't talk about stuff. I guess it depends on the relationship. I respect everyone's thoughts on here! Maybe the pic. Is a bad analogy! What interests me is the way others see things when comparing leader/control vs. passive/follower ( do I dare say....submissive! Hahaha) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 23, 2016 16:10:51 GMT -5
Yeah. Describe it for me - don't show me a picture of someone or "someones" doing it. I would want to see myself in the description, not think about you looking at porn to find a representation of what you were thinking about. Why does this conjure up an image in my mind of a heavy woman tied up with an apple in her mouth - like she is about ready to be the feast at a luau? I don't know... So...what do you read, or look at to conjure up such images! (Hahaha) must be some S T R O N G stuff in that coffee! |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 23, 2016 16:12:24 GMT -5
Definitely taking the lead. Communication is essential and key before having sex. Honestly before I would have sex with someone I'm asking them straight up "so you like eating pussy?". Sending a picture to someone is yes direct and playful! Very important to communicate. This made me laugh out loud for real !! I agree with you though, I would ask if they enjoy it, and if they are good at it too lol...I view it as being direct about things you want or desire...I probably wouldn't use a picture, but whatever works based on the situation.. I'm glad I made you laugh and yes I agree directness is so important because the bottom line is compatibility if not everyone is wasting their time. As far as a pic. Early in a relationship, no I wouldn't, but down the road when there's trust, a meme, something clever or just a suggestive pic with the words "I want you!" Or "are you ready?" can be fun to some if done tastefully or not tastefully! Lol. |
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Post by Isabellas39 on Apr 23, 2016 16:51:27 GMT -5
This made me laugh out loud for real !! I agree with you though, I would ask if they enjoy it, and if they are good at it too lol...I view it as being direct about things you want or desire...I probably wouldn't use a picture, but whatever works based on the situation.. I am not sure how many straight answers you would get. Umm... Don't really like and actually I'm really bad at it. Wanna fuck me anyway? That's true too, but if you listen to what someone talks about you get a very good idea of what they enjoy. If they claim to be an expert and when given an opportunity they suck at it, then it can be a teachable moment... Either way the truth will be revealed.. The direct approach is best for me .. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 23, 2016 17:56:43 GMT -5
That's true too, but if you listen to what someone talks about you get a very good idea of what they enjoy. If they claim to be an expert and when given an opportunity they suck at it, then it can be a teachable moment... Either way the truth will be revealed.. The direct approach is best for me .. (Did you hear a clang!) Boy, you got my wheels turning in my brain! I have had moments when I was so paranoid about being a gentleman, being proper, polite, a nice guy. Thinking " I hope she feels respected, am I being proper? Have others opened doors for her? I'm going to hold her hand in the car." Then when in the car she puts your hand down her blouse! Well...what does that do to your train of thought? Now that is a direct approach! Suddenly you've gone from trying out for the team, to coming around third and heading for home! just think I was taking a lead by holding her hand?! |
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Post by TMD on Apr 23, 2016 18:59:20 GMT -5
Taking the lead, absolutely.
3ish years into an affair, and my AP and I have built a solid foundation of trust overall, but also for this convo re: intimacy. We have shared fantasies. We have fulfilled many. More to go. And he recently added one t the list that surprised me.
An article I read recently confirmed that in a mutually respectful relationship, when a fantasy is shared by one partner, the other takes it into consideration, as opposed to dismissing it. Further, if I entertain the idea and agree to participate, and if I don't enjoy the act, that's okay too. But at least I was willing to give it a go. Which tells my partner that I care and want to make him happy. And that he's not a deviant -- which is a terrible message to send somebody when they've been vulnerable with you by sharing the fantasy.
Does that make sense? I'm running on very little sleep today.
So, I will try out this fantasy with my partner. We will establish some ground rules because it involves a third. And we will go from there. I expect it won't be fulfilled for a few years. But we can put it in list.
On a side note: he and I are taking a short trip together this week. While at store the other day, I saw a men's magazine (not a naked picture kind, by has sexy pics) and will pick it up for him. His wife is beyond horrified that he'd enjoy looking at a woman's body. I don't see the issue with it.
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