Post by baza on Jan 19, 2017 1:27:21 GMT -5
Back in the day of my ILIASM deal, I was a master at taking the inventory of my missus (not without justification I might add !!!) and her various shortcomings. And, I was a very consciences chaser of her "whys" as well. Her issues filled my days as I took inventory of them, and I chased her "whys" over the horizon and back.
Of course during all this, I was quite the paragon of virtue, not having any issues or shortcomings of my own.
I was "right".
I was the injured party in all this and had no negative inputs in to the relationship at all.
So off we went for a decade or two. My flawed missus and pretty much perfect me.
Going no-where.
Quickly.
Things got worse, and I responded in the proven baz way.
I redoubled my taking inventory of my missus, and redoubled my efforts at "why" chasing.
Of course at the same time, my self esteem and persona were going down the shitter, I was miserable and I was pretty good at "the strong silent" act, with a bit of passive aggression thrown in as well. I became aloof, disengaged and distant. At times, I was capable of being a complete prick.
Between us, we drove the marriage into the ground.
But naturally, we stayed together, in a pretty silent and isolated pair of matching cocoons, as a few more years clicked over.
We ended up at marital counselling. A waste of time as far as the marriage went, but I liked the counsellor, and when my missus baled out of that, I continued alone.
The counsellor challenged my thinking. Really challenged my thinking, and, as we delved deeper and deeper, I got less and less comfortable. A gnawing suspicion that something was not as I had perceived it.
In fact, I had "issues". And plenty of them.
Fuck.
Was that an unpleasant discovery or what
?
I stopped going to see her there and then.
Several months later, after the latest catastrophe in my family, I hit the wall, and went back to see the counsellor.
And started working on my own shit.
Jeez it was hard. So many home truths to confront. So much work to do. This would have been in about 2006.
Luckily, I had given up taking my missus inventory by then, and had ceased "why" chasing. I had proven to myself after 20 years of doing that that it was pointless.
I knew at some level, that the marriage was a dead duck, but there was no compelling reason to get out at that point.
I kept on trying to sort my own shit out, with some great leaps forward, and some backsliding, and some inert periods as well.
By 2008 I was in a better place. I had put some ghosts to bed, and had some very different views on people, relationships and all.
The emergence of the real baz continued, for better or worse.
But, whatever came up, I was in a way better headspace to deal with it than I had been in say 2005.
And a lot of things started to fall in to place (and a lot didn't too) My marriage for one. It was fucked. Irredeemably. That was the truth.
Come late 2008 early 2009, I knew I had to get out (I already had a plan in place to do this, in early 2010. It wasn't quite in doable shape, but close).
I had a lot of my shit sorted out, and was operating from a far stronger base. (I still had shit to sort out - still do to this day !!!) but some of thge big ticket items, like co-dependence, traumatic bonding, trashed self esteem etc I had put to bed.
I was in a position to leave, emotionally and logistically.
And I did.
In October 2009.
I do not believe I could have done this in 1995. Or 2000. Or 2005. I was not in the right headspace, and if I had left then (with my shit unsorted) I am pretty sure I would have plunged straight back in to another dysfunctional situation. In any event, I was too busy "why" chasing and taking my missus' inventory back then.
So that's my tale, but the point I want to make is this.
You, like me, may have "issues".
I think such "issues" need to be sorted out by you, irrespective of anything else.
A huge amount of things sort themselves out as you sort your own shit out.
In my case, that's exactly what happened.
My marriage ended. It didn't deserve to survive.
Maybe, if I had had my own shit sorted out back in 1990 (and if my missus had had her shit sorted out as well) the end of the story might have been different.
I started sorting my own shit out far too late for that.
If you think you do not have "issues" good on you, but I would urge you to level with yourself about that.
And, I would also recommend that if you have got issues, get them sorted out as a priority.
You will note in the above that my missus does not get much of a mention from the time I started individual counselling.
This is not an oversight.
She had her own shit to deal with - or not - as she chose. I am far from convinced that she had a red hot go at it, but I will assume that she did what she was capable of, and then the cards fell where they may.
Of course during all this, I was quite the paragon of virtue, not having any issues or shortcomings of my own.
I was "right".
I was the injured party in all this and had no negative inputs in to the relationship at all.
So off we went for a decade or two. My flawed missus and pretty much perfect me.
Going no-where.
Quickly.
Things got worse, and I responded in the proven baz way.
I redoubled my taking inventory of my missus, and redoubled my efforts at "why" chasing.
Of course at the same time, my self esteem and persona were going down the shitter, I was miserable and I was pretty good at "the strong silent" act, with a bit of passive aggression thrown in as well. I became aloof, disengaged and distant. At times, I was capable of being a complete prick.
Between us, we drove the marriage into the ground.
But naturally, we stayed together, in a pretty silent and isolated pair of matching cocoons, as a few more years clicked over.
We ended up at marital counselling. A waste of time as far as the marriage went, but I liked the counsellor, and when my missus baled out of that, I continued alone.
The counsellor challenged my thinking. Really challenged my thinking, and, as we delved deeper and deeper, I got less and less comfortable. A gnawing suspicion that something was not as I had perceived it.
In fact, I had "issues". And plenty of them.
Fuck.
Was that an unpleasant discovery or what
?I stopped going to see her there and then.
Several months later, after the latest catastrophe in my family, I hit the wall, and went back to see the counsellor.
And started working on my own shit.
Jeez it was hard. So many home truths to confront. So much work to do. This would have been in about 2006.
Luckily, I had given up taking my missus inventory by then, and had ceased "why" chasing. I had proven to myself after 20 years of doing that that it was pointless.
I knew at some level, that the marriage was a dead duck, but there was no compelling reason to get out at that point.
I kept on trying to sort my own shit out, with some great leaps forward, and some backsliding, and some inert periods as well.
By 2008 I was in a better place. I had put some ghosts to bed, and had some very different views on people, relationships and all.
The emergence of the real baz continued, for better or worse.
But, whatever came up, I was in a way better headspace to deal with it than I had been in say 2005.
And a lot of things started to fall in to place (and a lot didn't too) My marriage for one. It was fucked. Irredeemably. That was the truth.
Come late 2008 early 2009, I knew I had to get out (I already had a plan in place to do this, in early 2010. It wasn't quite in doable shape, but close).
I had a lot of my shit sorted out, and was operating from a far stronger base. (I still had shit to sort out - still do to this day !!!) but some of thge big ticket items, like co-dependence, traumatic bonding, trashed self esteem etc I had put to bed.
I was in a position to leave, emotionally and logistically.
And I did.
In October 2009.
I do not believe I could have done this in 1995. Or 2000. Or 2005. I was not in the right headspace, and if I had left then (with my shit unsorted) I am pretty sure I would have plunged straight back in to another dysfunctional situation. In any event, I was too busy "why" chasing and taking my missus' inventory back then.
So that's my tale, but the point I want to make is this.
You, like me, may have "issues".
I think such "issues" need to be sorted out by you, irrespective of anything else.
A huge amount of things sort themselves out as you sort your own shit out.
In my case, that's exactly what happened.
My marriage ended. It didn't deserve to survive.
Maybe, if I had had my own shit sorted out back in 1990 (and if my missus had had her shit sorted out as well) the end of the story might have been different.
I started sorting my own shit out far too late for that.
If you think you do not have "issues" good on you, but I would urge you to level with yourself about that.
And, I would also recommend that if you have got issues, get them sorted out as a priority.
You will note in the above that my missus does not get much of a mention from the time I started individual counselling.
This is not an oversight.
She had her own shit to deal with - or not - as she chose. I am far from convinced that she had a red hot go at it, but I will assume that she did what she was capable of, and then the cards fell where they may.
