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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2017 12:07:11 GMT -5
Sadly there is nothing you can do to turn this around, just read your own words so the only thing you can do is look after yourself. If you do stay then you have to come to terms with the realities and find away to get rid of your resentment as that only eats away at your soul - stick around and see how others handle it. Good luck
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 18, 2017 12:20:15 GMT -5
Hi, flowerdust - welcome. Sorry but you definitely qualify. If he was going to change, he would have by now - each time that you have initiated the conversation was another opportunity for him to really mean it and begin valuing your needs (and addressing them - whether or not that is by hand, mouth, or toy). I too had a husband with ED who got Cialis but refused to take it (or to talk about why he wouldn't). If he will not open up to you about why his beers are more important than your shared (dead) sex life - I don't think you two stand a chance. If you can - you ought to visit a lawyer for a free consult to find out how a divorce would really shake out for you as far as home/assets and visitation with nearly-majority-age kids. This doesn't have to be information you ACT on. The exercise of asking the questions is beneficial and you can just keep the info in your pocket while you think on what to do for yourself. As you noted - the longer you stay, the more resentment builds, edging over to hate. I started to feel that and I initiated a divorce prior to hating him. It surprised him. He later admitted that our sex life problems went way further back than the 3-4 years I was noting. I was surprised by that. Turns out - of the 17 year marriage, we had not been honestly communicating either of our true feelings for longer than I realized! So - read up on others stories. Try to speak your own truths as kindly as you can. Find out some facts about divorce/dissolution in your state. Meditate (or: sleep on it). But your situation doesn't sound like you can hope for a happy sex-filled marriage. You can choose ANYTHING you want to. If you decide to stay and accept things the way they are, or stay and outsource your needs (with or without permission or his knowledge), or to divorce: our merry band will support you in your choice!!! Please know that we really do know how this feels. And - welcome. |
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Post by iceman on Jan 18, 2017 14:04:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're in this situation but if it helps you're not alone. I'll repeat what's already been said and say I'm afraid that there's really not anything you can do about it. It appears that you have tried all you can to no avail and are just exhausted. I completely understand that place. You and your husband are just wired differently when it comes to sex and intimacy. It doesn't make one of you right and the other wrong. You're just different. Why you're different doesn't really matter. You just are. How he is handling it is not good. He's being manipulative and dishonest with you. You have every right to be angry and resentful. You will need to decide if you can endure the situation that's not going to fundamentally change and how you're going to do that or if you are going to leave and how you're going to do that. Children certainly complicate the situation. Sorry I don't have a good solution. That's where I am as well. Fortunately there are very good people here with lots of advice to give you support. We all know how you feel and are in, or have been in, some variation of your situation. The only advice I can give is to read what's here. Hopefully you will find wisdom and comfort. Take care.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 18, 2017 14:34:55 GMT -5
Sorry to read your story. If you are at the point where you don't want him touching you then it is past the point of no return. It never gets better, just worse. And if he magically turned around, you might never notice. And as you get more bitter and resentful he feels that, making any change in him even more remote. It's a vicious downhill spiral. Please believe that when you decide what to do.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 18, 2017 15:11:27 GMT -5
He gets all hard then soon as we start its gone, its like he gets going but is turn off by the feel of me then we are done, rolls over and go's to sleep. He will not finish me off !!!!! Like there are things he could do but will not. We have chatted about an open marriage, but he told me he could not bear the thought of me with someone else. [...] I am at the point that I do not want him to touch me . [...] I am starting to hate him. I've clipped the relevant parts to my response above. flowerdust, I'm so sorry for the hurt that I know you are feeling. I also know the desperation - it feels like the moment in drowning where you are trying not to breathe in ocean water, doesn't it? For a moment, back up from defining the nature of your relationship and how you present to others. You live with a man who you hate, for reasons. You don't have a sexual relationship with this man. You don't want one with him (possibly to the point of contempt or disgust) and he obviously does not want one with you. You have attempted medical remedy and it has failed, partly out of apathy. Why take a pill to enable you to better do something you don't want to do? By way of comparison, 20-30 year olds seek Viagra to do what they want to do, more often and better, even though they don't need it. I'm not sure what chatting about an open marriage constitutes, but he has made it clear that not only is he celibate, but so will you be celibate. So, consider whether choosing a life of celibacy is aligned with your concept of what a marriage means to you. If it helps, imagine having that written in your wedding vows, and whether you would make the same choice. In fact, imagine if HE would have made the same choice, if that was part of his promise. I'd warrant that he wouldn't choose it either. So, what is the true nature of your relationship? Are you, and have you been living in a way that you would recognize as a married, according to your expectations of that relationship? The desperation, insult, and constant, bitter disappointment comes from expecting the fantasy of marriage, when the reality of your relationship is misaligned from what you call it and how it presents. That terrible feeling you have right now eventually dissipates when you have a market correction of your expectations of the relationship, and you both abandon the fiction in which you are struggling to uphold. What do you suppose would happen if you stopped trying, with him? |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 18, 2017 18:16:22 GMT -5
I also wonder who would want to connect with an almost 50 year old although I think I look great for my age. Am I going to divorce and be alone is my biggest fear, Self esteem out the window, I will have to work on that ! Well, I can tell you as a 40 something dating a 50-something person, all kinds of people will want to. And the trip reports of most of my great looking 50 year old friends indicates that they often get swamped with offers from 20 somethings on up to 70. |
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2017 21:38:25 GMT -5
If you have ambitions of having a great relationship, including a robust sexual component to it, that's realistic.
But if you also have an expectation that this can happen with your spouse, that just ain't realistic at all.
Your history tells you that, in no uncertain terms.
You either stay where you are, and forego any chance of a great relationship with a robust sexual component to it in the future.
Or, you vacate where you are, and take your chances (of which there are plenty) out in the wider world.
And this is going to take a while for you to accept as fact.
And it is going to take you even longer to act on - if indeed you ever do.
Extensive reading in here may help push you to the line a bit quicker, maybe.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 18, 2017 21:44:11 GMT -5
I'd suggest a counselor or therapist as well. We are damaged by our sexless marriage experience. As baza says it: ILIASM shitholes really fuck with your head and get you thinking all kinds of wrong things! (Like: self-esteem rebuilding. This is a chore for me. I have rebuilt my esteem a few times in my life now, and I know I can do it again - but it is an uphill battle, partly because I helped to tear it down always accepting the treatment in the most-dysfunctional years of the end of my marriage.) There IS life after divorce. Stay strong, sister! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 19, 2017 9:50:51 GMT -5
flowerdust - really good news that you have a therapist already. And I just have to say - I think the SM triggers our PTSD that already existed. It made me feel broken (not in an "imperfect" normal human way but in a "absolutely f'ed up" way). That is - having that pre-existing isn't helping and him treating you like crap doesn't help stay recovered despite the work done. Hang in there - stay strong, sister!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 11:15:33 GMT -5
GG I have had a therapist for a couple of years now. Every now and then something triggers it, and I have to talk to someone. You are" Absolutely " correct in saying in the "Fed up way" but also the hurt knowing that you tried and kept trying, ( through sickness and health) that is the sad part which makes me feel like I have wasted the last 20 years, that is what makes me Fed up and angry. I will on the other hand know that when I do pack up and leave, that I have done every thing I possibly could . The only good that has come out of this is my children Friend , I would like to encourage you. There are many other good things coming your way from this. Trials, and tribulations, patients, are all part of the actions, that take place that give us HOPE. A clearer understanding of what our needs are, how to fill them, and be satisfied. Your burden, your yoke, will be lighter, and your future more pleasant. The FOG is being lifted. Fear Obligation Guilt. You deserve to be respected, cherished, wanted, valued and to feel beautiful. YOU DESERVE THAT. It's up to you to go out and start taking. Give to someone else who will give back. |
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 19, 2017 11:36:36 GMT -5
I'm just starting therapy, specifically for how my childhood stuff is playing through to my SM. Maybe there's something about previous issues making us more likely to end up here, or at least more tolerant of it till it gets bad.
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 19, 2017 12:29:19 GMT -5
Yep, we're in the same kind of place on this. Just to be clear - mine was a seriously mentally ill mother where (mostly) emotional abuse was collateral damage from the illness, but it's left me fairly shit at asserting my own emotional needs. You can see how that plays into a SM. My wife doesn't use it in a consciously manipulative way (been on the end of that stuff with my mother, I know it when I see it), but she does tend to put down emotional needs she doesn't share to childhood issues because she has no clue what it's like to get out from under all that.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2017 12:34:10 GMT -5
I'm just starting therapy, specifically for how my childhood stuff is playing through to my SM. Maybe there's something about previous issues making us more likely to end up here, or at least more tolerant of it till it gets bad. I think it is true that when you go through a traumatic event that you seem more tolerant (as most of us think that it is our fault, Something we have done) We were conditioned as children to think this way, because of that event or events by our offender. Don't get me wrong things from childhood can flood into our adulthood knowing that first hand. It is great that your seeking help and I really hope that it works for you. I also know only through my experience, (I am not a professional) but just saying because of experience ,is that sometimes when we tell a spouse or partner what has happened to you in the past that they use it against you ( you are the way you are because of this) They have no clue what they are talking about, and they to are not professionals. But I can tell you that they use it as an excuse or to justify there actions. The best person who knows you is you . You know everything about you, you are also a stronger person then you realize because of it .... You are still standing..... You are still here ...... .YOU ARE A SURVIVOR ..... You are starting a whole new topic here, that of "excuses". Over the years our spouses have used so many on us that most of us really have no idea for the reasons they are this way. For fun I am going to post a reason my wife has used at the end of each of posts for a while. Wife's excuse - the dog smells so I wouldn't be able to concentrate |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 19, 2017 12:39:44 GMT -5
I think it is true that when you go through a traumatic event that you seem more tolerant (as most of us think that it is our fault, Something we have done) We were conditioned as children to think this way, because of that event or events by our offender. Don't get me wrong things from childhood can flood into our adulthood knowing that first hand. It is great that your seeking help and I really hope that it works for you. I also know only through my experience, (I am not a professional) but just saying because of experience ,is that sometimes when we tell a spouse or partner what has happened to you in the past that they use it against you ( you are the way you are because of this) They have no clue what they are talking about, and they to are not professionals. But I can tell you that they use it as an excuse or to justify there actions. The best person who knows you is you . You know everything about you, you are also a stronger person then you realize because of it .... You are still standing..... You are still here ...... .YOU ARE A SURVIVOR ..... You are starting a whole new topic here, that of "excuses". Over the years our spouses have used so many on us that most of us really have no idea for the reasons they are this way. For fun I am going to post a reason my wife has used at the end of each of posts for a while. Wife's excuse - the dog smells so I wouldn't be able to concentrate A common thing that I tell my ex when he complains about someone giving excuses and not taking responsibility is - "excuses are not acceptable, reasons are". Of course I'm sure it goes right over his head that I'm thinking about all the excuses he gave me over the years. Most common - My back hurts or I'm trying to sleep. |
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 19, 2017 12:49:45 GMT -5
Sex in the evening has long been off the agenda. Too tired, always (and to be fair, she has lupus so she's probably got a point, but she milks it. And if she wanted to, she'd find a way). Can't remember the last time I even tried.
Sex in the morning (there's a brief slot between 10.30 - 11 about every fourth Sat/Sun where it's not pre-emptively shot down by having to do stuff) is mostly avoided by getting up as soon as I make anything that could potentially turn into a move. Last time this didn't happen was September.
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