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Post by Carol on Jan 18, 2017 1:56:40 GMT -5
Helllo Everyone! I'm Carol. I am in my mid 40's and have been married for 16 years. 13/14 yrs of the marriage have been sexless( I lost track on actually how long it's been). In the beginning, sex was great between us. He was a virgin when we first met, I was not. I was very sexual in my twenties but always felt like I was missing the emotional aspect of sex. When I met him I thought to myself " I'm going to be able have a wonderful, emotional sex all the time!". Yeah, that didn't happen. I will admit that some of this had been my fault. See, I suffer from major depression disorder. While I was trying to get help my sex drive disappear due to the meds I was taking and feeling bad about myself.. Once I was taking meds regularly and seeing a therapist, everything came back to me. At that point I asked him when we were going to do about our marital issues. He didn't think any thing was wrong. I was in shock and was so mad at him for thinking everything was "alright". I lost a lot of respect for him that night. We agreed to see a marriage counselor. He tried blaming it on his parents (which is his go to excuse for everything). They were not particularly religious but he said he was told that sex was pretty much for reproduction. It's not ED because I've caught him masturbating and he has admitted to our counselor he still does. But yet he cannot bring himself to have sex with me. So hear I am, many trips to the counselor later, and nothing has changed. I'm so resentful of him and now I find myself completely unattracted to him. I wouldn't even have sex with him at this point. I had a major breakdown last spring and almost took my own life. The only though that stopped me was the thought of crushing of my parents & sister hearts if I did. I spent 5 days in the psych ward of the hospital and ended up in a 4 week outpatient program. Doing that cost me my job. So here I sit, no job, no sex, and really no self worth at all. I've been completing leaving him but am not capable of supporting myself at this time. I hate want he has done to me and my self esteem.
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2017 2:47:26 GMT -5
Hello carol.
`Dysfunctional marriage does your head in, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices that feed back in to the loop.
Getting a job has a lot going for it. Good for the self esteem, good for exposure toward normal people, good for ones own self discipline, good for putting a solid base under your feet. And the money doesn't hurt either.
Financial independence is a very worthwhile aim.
Speaking of that, do you know how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction ?
Would it give you financial independence ?
If you don't know, then consulting a divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction might bring you a pleasant surprise (it might give you an unpleasant surprise too)
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 18, 2017 18:16:38 GMT -5
You are no longer alone. Welcome. This forum was made for you. It is a God send. The collective wisdom here is phenomenal.
Speaking of my own experience, I have to take responsibility for my own life and not be at the mercy of anyone.
From reading your post, I would think DIVORCE seems like a reasonable solution. Why have you not considered that yet?
It is good and fundamental to treat your depression and anything else mental / physical health. From what little I know (reading your post), it seems you need to get out of this toxic relationship and save yourself. Life is too short and precious to be miserable in an SM.
God bless.
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Post by Carol on Jan 18, 2017 22:26:58 GMT -5
I am considering a divorce at this point. But it will be awhile until I can make any moves. I lost my job last summer and am in the process of finding a new job. Hopefully that will give me some financial security to support myself. I want to do this since if I were to leave not my only opinion would to move back with my parents (it's his house). I'm in my 40's and that is not an attractive option. I lived at home, with some roommates in college and with him. I guess I just scared to death to be on my own.
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2017 22:44:25 GMT -5
Your assertion that "it is his house" may or may not be correct.
Depending how long you have been together, half it - or half the equity in it - may be yours in a divorce situation.
Ask a lawyer.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 18, 2017 23:08:51 GMT -5
Carol - welcome. I had never lived on my own either until last year (about 15 months ago). At age 47, I signed the very first rental agreement in my own name. One of the biggest deals for me - ever. Getting utilities in my own name too made me feel like I had arrived in the world of adults. So funny, really - but also not funny. I would strongly advise to find a lawyer that would give a free consultation visit - many divorce lawyers do this on a regular basis. Bring any financial info you have (current bank statement, a recent paycheck stub from his work, whatever). Like baza says, the years spent together count toward something and you may have a percentage of ownership of the property even though you do not realize it. Make the appointment and ask the questions. You do not have to act on what you find out. You can take it under advisement and consider thoughtfully what you will do next. Please be sure to continue correct self-care for depression treatment. Please reach out to family or close friends if you have thoughts of self-harm. YOU have every right to a reasonably happy life. We want you here. They want you in their life. Do not let the crap drive away your will to live. Find out from a lawyer how it would work out. Good luck in finding a new job, too. Work gives us a lot of validation - and the pay doesn't hurt, of course. If you can - try to find a counselor or therapist who could see you on a sliding scale so you could afford some visits. A good therapist can help us get clarity on what we really want - for ourselves. They can't tell us what to do but they can guide our thinking so that we know we already have an answer. They can help us build our self-esteem so we can have the courage to speak that truth to others in our life. You found the best electronic forum I've ever been a member of. This group is SO supportive and we understand the agony of sexless (loveless) marriage. It is a soul-sucker. Don't let it break you. I'm glad you found us!
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jgb
Junior Member
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Post by jgb on Jan 23, 2017 10:32:40 GMT -5
I too have serious issues with depression. I have been medicated for it, off and on, for years. Currently, I take...let's see...venlafaxine, wellbutrin, and trazadone. Although the trazadone is supposed to help with insomnia and it isn't. And, yes, because of these drugs, especially the venlafaxine, getting an erection is nearly impossible and an orgasm is completely impossible. But, still better than waking every morning with suicidal thoughts. Anyway, I'm getting off the subject here...
My advice is not to try to address too many issues at once. Prioritize and don't look too far ahead. Shorten your gaze to what you can handle right now. Day by day...hour by hour if need be. Right now, getting your depression under control is the main issue. Do that first. There are those that will argue that if you fix the circumstances of your life, the depression will go away. But that is not true is it? Everything can be peachy and you will still be subject to it. And those same people will then shit on you for being depressed for 'no reason'.
You need to get a good psychiatrist and work on getting your self under control. It will never go away, but it can be managed. Then you can deal with him. Your self-esteem need not hinge on whether he wants to f**k you. Remember that celibacy isn't fatal, but depression damned well can be.
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Post by lyn on Jan 23, 2017 11:05:14 GMT -5
I am considering a divorce at this point. But it will be awhile until I can make any moves. I lost my job last summer and am in the process of finding a new job. Hopefully that will give me some financial security to support myself. I want to do this since if I were to leave not my only opinion would to move back with my parents (it's his house). I'm in my 40's and that is not an attractive option. I lived at home, with some roommates in college and with him. I guess I just scared to death to be on my own. What might help is to start "living" your life now as if you've already left. Just daily stuff like working out, getting a job, continuing to work with your counselor INDIVIDUALLY, and getting that legal consultation is really a good idea. It's natural to have fear of the unknown and starting over. If you didn't, you probably wouldn't be facing reality. In any case - we're here for you - {hugs} |
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Post by Carol on Jan 23, 2017 11:27:59 GMT -5
Thanks all. I've been fighting this depression since I was a kid. My parents always said that it was just really PMS. They get it now, somewhat. I'm on Wellbutrin, lexapro and trazadone. I have been seeing a therapist for a while now. It's helped to a point. But lately I've been crying just about everyday. It's just taken such a toll on my self esteem. I just haven't felt like myself in a long time. Did I do this to me? Did he do this to me?. I really don't see me reaching the light at the end of the tunnel any time soon.
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jgb
Junior Member
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Post by jgb on Jan 23, 2017 13:53:30 GMT -5
Lexapro is a SSRI drug and is mostly given to people with anxiety disorders. So is Trazadone (an SARI), but it is used a lot for sleep disorders. Personally, wellbutrin, by itself does not do much for me. It is given a lot as a supplementary drug, in hopes that it will mitigate some of the side effects of the 'main' drug. None of these are all that effective for major depression disorder. You might want to discuss a SNRI drug (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) with your doctor. The SSRIs only work on serotonin. The SNRI drugs work on serotonin and norepinephrine. If you are crying a lot and "not feeling like myself" , then you need to get to the doctor ASAP and try something else. Like immediately. Is your therapist a psychologist? Make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
Do you find that, when you have the random stray somewhat negative thought or you see (or even smell) something a little unpleasant that your brain just rushes in to 'pile on' till you can barely move? The SNRI drugs won't make you not care, but it will give you breathing room to let those things pass without triggering a depressive cycle.
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Post by baza on Jan 23, 2017 19:21:13 GMT -5
Sister Carol.
You are fighting a war on two fronts here, and that is pretty much an impossibility.
You have your pre-existing issues to deal with - a tough enough job all by itself - PLUS a foundering primary relationship to contend with.
The primary relationship does NOT look like a solid base for you to work from. It looks unstable and a real emotional and energy drainer. Indeed it looks like a situation where the primary relationship is an impediment to you dealing with your issues. Far from 'helping' you in a supportive way, it appears to be ADDING to the problem.
Is there any way you can see to try a bit of "zipcode therapy" ?
That is to say, to get away from the unhelpful marital environment for a while so it is not in your face 24/7 and get a bit of breathing space to concentrate on YOU and what is in YOUR best longer term interests ?
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Post by petrushka on Jan 24, 2017 5:04:52 GMT -5
I too have serious issues with depression. I have been medicated for it, off and on, for years. Currently, I take...let's see...venlafaxine, wellbutrin, and trazadone. Although the trazadone is supposed to help with insomnia and it isn't. And, yes, because of these drugs, especially the venlafaxine, getting an erection is nearly impossible and an orgasm is completely impossible. But, still better than waking every morning with suicidal thoughts. Anyway, I'm getting off the subject here... My advice is not to try to address too many issues at once. Prioritize and don't look too far ahead. Shorten your gaze to what you can handle right now. Day by day...hour by hour if need be. Right now, getting your depression under control is the main issue. Do that first. There are those that will argue that if you fix the circumstances of your life, the depression will go away. But that is not true is it? Everything can be peachy and you will still be subject to it. And those same people will then shit on you for being depressed for 'no reason'. You need to get a good psychiatrist and work on getting your self under control. It will never go away, but it can be managed. Then you can deal with him. Your self-esteem need not hinge on whether he wants to f**k you. Remember that celibacy isn't fatal, but depression damned well can be. Really, really good points. Day by day, hour by hour. Reach for the achievable. Put every thing on hold that is not essential. People can be surprisingly understanding. The taxman was understanding when I rang and said I couldn't file Right Now. Achievable for me was to eat one warm meal a day - even if it was a bowl of porridge or a fried egg, brush my teeth and feed my dogs. By the end of that, I was completely bushed and crawled back to bed. I managed without meds, but that's probably not for everybody. I only had two major episodes 30 years ago now. I don't expect it to come back, but I watch for the symptoms. At the first hint, I reach out, I talk to people, I ease off on myself. I seem to be able to head it off that way. |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 24, 2017 7:54:00 GMT -5
Helllo Everyone! I'm Carol. I am in my mid 40's and have been married for 16 years. 13/14 yrs of the marriage have been sexless( I lost track on actually how long it's been). In the beginning, sex was great between us. He was a virgin when we first met, I was not. I was very sexual in my twenties but always felt like I was missing the emotional aspect of sex. When I met him I thought to myself " I'm going to be able have a wonderful, emotional sex all the time!". Yeah, that didn't happen. I will admit that some of this had been my fault. See, I suffer from major depression disorder. While I was trying to get help my sex drive disappear due to the meds I was taking and feeling bad about myself.. Once I was taking meds regularly and seeing a therapist, everything came back to me. At that point I asked him when we were going to do about our marital issues. He didn't think any thing was wrong. I was in shock and was so mad at him for thinking everything was "alright". I lost a lot of respect for him that night. We agreed to see a marriage counselor. He tried blaming it on his parents (which is his go to excuse for everything). They were not particularly religious but he said he was told that sex was pretty much for reproduction. It's not ED because I've caught him masturbating and he has admitted to our counselor he still does. But yet he cannot bring himself to have sex with me. So hear I am, many trips to the counselor later, and nothing has changed. I'm so resentful of him and now I find myself completely unattracted to him. I wouldn't even have sex with him at this point. I had a major breakdown last spring and almost took my own life. The only though that stopped me was the thought of crushing of my parents & sister hearts if I did. I spent 5 days in the psych ward of the hospital and ended up in a 4 week outpatient program. Doing that cost me my job. So here I sit, no job, no sex, and really no self worth at all. I've been completing leaving him but am not capable of supporting myself at this time. I hate want he has done to me and my self esteem. Hi carol, no marriage is worth taking your life over. I'm glad you didn't take your own life! If your marriage has reached a point of no return you must begin planning your exit. It won't be easy, it may be really shit for a while. Will be so shit that you consider suicide? I very much doubt it. Clearly you are a strong person as you've reached this stage and you haven't been beaten. Speak with your family, your friends and whom ever you trust will support you and try to find a way of binning the fool who prefers fucking himself. |
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